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Would you pass me the casserole, mademoiselle Mércèdes?

Why, yes, Monsieur Count. Here it is.

My wife's cooking is truly the best in all Europe, wouldn't you agree, my dear friend?

It has been a long time since you called me that...

Uh...we've only met yesterday, did we not? When you saved my son?

Suuure. Never met each other before. Certainly not in Marseilles. Well, that is a nice food your wife cooked. I tasted something similar in Marseilles. IS SHE FROM MARSEILLES!?

Why, yes, monsieur. I'm from Marseilles. Now don't get worked up over it.

Sorry. It's just that I've known a guy that knew a guy called DUMAS! ALEXANDRE DUMAS, THAT WAS BETRAYED AND IMPRISONED UNJUSTLY IN MARSEILLES, AND LOST HIS ONE TRUE LOVE TO A FRIEND! AN EEEEVIL FRIEND! Anyways, this marseillan food reminded me of that.

Oh, my, such a sad story. Ever hear of that while you were in Marseilles, m'dear?

Oh...I did hear of a guy I used to date being imprisoned in a far-off prison island. Perhaps that was him?

Perhaps. It is interesting, though, why prisons seem to be frequently located on islands?

Oh, I suppose that it is general belief that being surrounded by sea makes escapes less frequent themselves.

Indeed, It would seem that is the reason. But that never stopped Alexandre Dumas from MAKING A DARING ESCAPE AND FINDING SPANISH GOLD AND COMING BACK TO FRANCE TO OBTAIN HIS VENGEANCE ON THE EVIL DANGLARS!!

Why, that is my name! What an amazing coincidence.

Also, he wants to have the love of his life back. Mércèdes.

Oh my, I do hope he gets a grip. Did he not know that we were merely dating at the time? I mean, really, we were just teens.

B-but...but you said...you said you loved m...him.

Oh, really, I said that to at least fourteen guys before I married, cocoacups here. Isn't that right, Danglars?

It is interesting, though. Does this man want to exact vengeance on ME, by any chance? I mean, Mércèdes is my wife.

Oh, yes. He didn't like you accusing him of high treason.

I accused no one! Really, that is preposterous.

WHAT!? How dare you, I know you did! IKNOWIKNOWIKNOW!!!

Well, don't get worked up, monsieur count, this imaginary snitch has nothing to do with you!

For fuck's sake! I'm Alexandre Dumas! I found Spanish gold and I'm pretending I'm a noble to exact bloody revenge on you!

Oh, my! That is certainly surprising. Isn't that right, honey?

Certainly, cocoacups, Monsieur Dumas should know better than to make pretentious life threats on the dinner table. Really, it is rather impolite.

Indeed. But as I was saying, I accused no one. It was Fernánd Danglars who did that, I'm Jacque Danglars.

That is correct, Monsieur, I would marry no snitch!

WHAT!? But I...where is Fernand, then!? I must have revenge!

Well, my sincerest apologies, but he seem to have had an accident last week, smashed by bricks, apparently. Poor bastard.

But I...I had all the trouble of escaping that inescapable prison fortress!!

Well, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Why didn't you warn me before!?

Oh, you see, we did not know of your identity. I must say, you are a very good actor for someone with no background in theatre. Perhaps you should try one of these days.

You know how hard it was to find that Spanish gold and become rich and act noble and do nobly things only in a murdering range from you guys?

Well, I would warn you if I knew, Monsieur. Certainly.

Oh, but look on the bright side. Now you've escaped from prison and are rich!

Hmm...

Yes, that is correct, and I daresay that I was in part responsible. I mean, if not for your murdering impulses, you'd not have the initiative to do that!

Well...you do have a point there.

Indeed...well, would you care for a glass of cognac, Monsieur Count?

Why, yes. And please, do pass me the olives.

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