In a seemingly normal day, on a seemingly normal world, in an abnormally cheerful stage, in front of TV cameras...
IIIT'S Uncle Chauncee...and Friends' show!
"We live in a bright beautiful ball, that flies 'round the sun, at 107,218 kilometers per hour! And a cheerfully cheery old chap, is here to tell us 'bout it, so let's give 'im a big clap! It's Uuuuncle Chauncee...and Frieeends!" a disembodied voice sung.
A fake-bearded twenty-four years old guy that couldn't get a better job got in front of the blue screen of the stage from the left.
"Hello kids!", he then looked to his left and yelled at no one in particular, "Who's gonna be my friend for today!?"
A girl in big bunny suit entered, and answered in the most masculine voice she could muster.
"It's me Uncle Chauncee, Big Bunny Bob! What will you teach us today?"
"Today we will talk about a very interesting theme, it's called... 'White Man's Burden'," he spoke those words as if he was revealing the most marvellous mysteries of life.
"Oh wow, Uncle Chauncee, this sounds interesting! I guess it's time for..." here she stopped for a second.
"'What's it all about?'!" they finished, in unison.
"What's it all about? What's it all about!? Oh, Uncle Chauncee, what's it all about!?" the singing spirit rattled again.
"Well, Big Bunny Bob, 'White Man's Burden' is the reasons the Europeans gave to justify their owning of the world. They said that, since their civilization was the most advanced, they ought to go out there and teach everyone else the marvels of civilization. Like the Romans!"
"The guys that watched gladiatorial battles and lions eating people for entertainment?"
"That's RIGHT, Big Bunny Bob! There's even a poem, written by a guy called 'Rudyard Kipling' about the subject, it talks about 'Your new-caught, sullen peoples, Half-devil and half-child,' that white men should 'Take up the White Man's burden--The savage wars of peace--, Fill full the mouth of Famine And bid the sickness cease.'"
"Oh WOW, Uncle Chauncee, those are big words, what do they mean?"
"I don't know, Big Bunny Bob, let's ask Mbumka, the hungry illiterate AIDS-stricken African kid!"
A sock puppet appeared through a hole in the background, and trembled moved chaotically while the puppeteer said, "Tummy...hurts."
"NO, that's NOT it, Mbumka! But that was a good try! The poem was subtitled 'The United States and the Philippine Islands' and Kipling wanted the United States to know that now it started to enter the whole imperialism thing, they had obligations with the people of central America, like the Europeans had with Africa."
"Oh WOW, Uncle Chauncee! That's great! Did Europe really like that, didn't they get bored?"
"Of course not, Big Bunny Bob, because in exchange, Europe could take any wealth the Africans didn't need for themselves! They even got some African people to work for free in their other colonial farms. That's called: Colonialism."
"That's right!" the bizarre black sock said, "Africa was the source of 90% of the world's gold and almost 100% slaves!"
"Oh WOW, Uncle Chauncee, the Europeans really liked it, didn't they?"
No one answered.
"Oh WOW, Uncle Chauncee, the Europeans really liked it, didn't THEY!?"
"That's right!" said a guy with clothes made of flags from European countries, that was a bit late.
"Jacques Harold Fraün Ferrera Lesoto, the white European man! How do you do?"
"Marvellously! Now that we have this EU thing going, we are getting richer than the US!"
"Hey! Hey! White European Man! Can you give me more aid? I really need money to buy medicine for the AIDS, and food, and books, you know?" the sock vibrated.
"Oh sorry, my little black friend, but you see, we need to give all the aid we can to underdeveloped Western European countries like Portugal and Italy, because then we will become even more powerful and rich, and we need that to recolonize Eastern Europe. So we can't divert much important money," the colourful guy said, gleefully.
"Aw, okay then, White European Man at least give me free AIDS medicine so I can NOT die in less than a month," the sock pleaded.
"Umm...I dunno...White American Man!" the flag guy yelled to offstage, and a sillier version of the classical uncle Sam appeared.
"What, White European Man?" it asked.
"This kid asked me to give them free AIDS medicine, I suppose I could, but would you do it too?"
"Oh, no, if we did that, our corporations wouldn't cash in huge royalties, and that would actually lower the price of AIDS treatment drugs for people out of Africa, then our corporations wouldn't have record profits anymore. That would be unjust," it said, at a moment of thought.
"My, you're right, sorry Macumba, but no can do."
"Now that it's settled I need to go back to the coincidentally oil-rich countries of North Africa to help their military to integrate with mine, because then we will more easily protect them from terrorists. Like Paraguay and Colombia! Bye everyone!" and it left.
Then the flag monster told the ugly black sock, "But don't worry Mebumke! At least you'll have a show by U2!"
"U2! YAY!" and the hand went back into the hole it got out.
" Hahaha... And remember, we don't want your illegal immigrants getting into our countries!"
"Awesome, White European Man, then after the show you'll finally do it, eh?"
"Pardon African countries' foreign debt. You guys said you would, after the show."
"Oh, THAT. You see, we thought a lot about that and decided for a new and improved policy regarding it."
"Oh yeah? What?"
"We will NOT do it!"
"That's awesome European White Man!"
"Yeah, Uncle Chauncee! I think this was the best idea since that guy had the idea of inventing fire!"
"But now I have to go!" The flag thing said, while leaving, the bunny and the fake-bearded man were left alone.
"Wasn't that educative, Big Bunny Bob?"
"It sure was, Uncle Chauncee, but say, what will be..." she paused.
"On next week?!" they yelled together
The sound boxes turned on by themselves again, and sung, "On next week! On next week! Uncle Chauncee what'll be on next week?!"
"Well, Big Bunny Bob, on next week we'll have a show explaining 'Why a fascist dictatorship is way better than a communist one' when we'll explain things like 'why everyone loves un-red China?', or 'why the developed countries thought that letting Hitler remilitarize Germany was a great idea?'. Goodbye everyone!"
"We live in a bright beautiful ball, that flies 'round the sun, at 107,218 kilometers per hour! And a cheerfully cheery old chap, is here to tell us 'bout it, so let's give 'im a big clap! It's Uuuuncle Chauncee...and Frieeends!" a disembodied voice sung, and after a metallic clack, it was finally over.
Credits and DisclaimerEdit
Special thanks go to:
- Me, for managing to write that without falling to the floor and assuming a fetal position in horror.
- Europe, for creating enough revolting situations of misery and tragedy to fill an epic and a half.
- Corrupt African governments, for keeping it fresh for us, twenty-first century writers.
This is a work of fiction, any resemblance to actual people, places and stuff like that, is a mere coincidence. Really!
So, African kids, tell me, which one is more jejune, this story, or your diet?