This is an idea for a Three Stooges film. If someone can come up with a funnier title, feel free to move it. Oh yes, and contribs are welcome by any familiar with the Three Stooges or Titanic.

Darkness, then start playing "Three Blind Mice".


Fade to Moe, Curly and Larry sitting in the cabin of Captain Edward Smith.

Smith: So you gentlemen want the job of helmsmen, eh?

Moe: Oh yeah, we could do it, couldn't we boys!

Curly: Sure! I'd love to wear a helmet! Nyuk nyuk nyuk...OOH! (Moe pokes him in the eyes)

Smith: Well, you seem to be pretty adept fellows. I guess you can have the job.

Moe: Oh yes! Thank you Captain!

Curly: When do we get our helmets?

Moe grabs his nose and pounds on it. BEEP BEEP!

Moe: We're not wearin' helmets, you imbecile. We wear hats! We'll be steerin' the ship! Got it?

Curly: Sure! You steer and I'll work the gas pedal! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Moe: See this? (He holds out his fist)

Curly: Yeah, it's a fist! Can you steer with it?

Moe pounds on his fist with his other hand. It flies around and hits Curly in the head. BONK!

Curly: OOOH!

Moe: Now listen here, you knucklehead. If you mess up, I'll dunk you into the Atlantic myself!

Larry: Who works the brakes?

Moe lines the two up and slaps them across the face both at once.

Moe: This isn't a car, you imbeciles! Now here's what's gonna happen: Curly, you'll be the lookout. Larry will man the telegraph, and I'll take the wheel!


Moe turns around and sees nothing.

Curly: I'm supposed to be the "lookout"! Nyuk nyuk nyuk..OOW! (Moe pokes him in the eyes again)

Moe: It means you look ahead of the ship to see if there are any icebergs or anything we might hit. Now do you knuckleheads think you can handle all that??

Larry: Sure, I can handle the telegraph! Can I call my Aunt Bertha on it? OOW! (Moe grabs him by the hair)

Moe: I'll use it to report to the captain if you start acting stupid!

Smith: Well gentlemen, we must be making ready to leave. You can get up on deck right now and begin your assigment!

All three at once: Yes sir!

Curly: Wait a second. What happens if we see an iceberg?

Smith: Well, if you see it while we're still far enough away you can signal to Moe and he'll steer us away!

Curly: Ooh! That means we get to use smoke signals! Nyuk nyuk nyuk...OOW! (Moe hits him in the stomach. BONG!)

Moe: You wave your arms, stupid.

Curly: Like this? (He waves his arms and knocks over an expensive vase)

Moe: You imbecile! (He hustles them all out of the cabin)

Cut to the three of them standing inside the wheel room.

Moe: Now see here, you two knuckleheads. This is what's gonna happen: I take this wheel and steer the ship. Curly, you stand outside there on the bridge.

Curly: What? There's no bridge around here! OOW! (Moe bangs him on the head)

Moe: You stand out there on the deck. If you see an iceberg, you wave your arms and show me which way to steer. Got it?

Curly: Can we stop it and get onto the iceberg?

Moe: Yeah, and then we'll leave you there!

Curly: Wow! I've never been on an iceberg before! OOW! (Moe pokes him in the eyes)

Moe (to Larry): Now see this gizmo? This is the emergency phone. If we for some reason can't steer past the berg, then you radio the first mate. He'll send a message down below and the engineers'll reverse the engines!

Larry: Okay! Say, what's my Aunt Bertha's telephone number phone number? I can't remember...OOW! (Moe grabs his hair)

Moe: Listen Porcupine, that phone is for emergency purposes only!

Larry: Oh it's an emergency all right! I forgot my pills!

Moe: C'mere, I'll show you some pills.

Larry walks over and stands next to Curly.

Larry: Okay, where are they?

Moe: Standing right in front of me!

Curly: Pills can't stand up...OOW! (Moe grabs him by the ears)

Moe: Listen numbskull. You two are bein' pills! Now cut it out before you get us fired!

Suddenly Captain Smith calls.

Smith: Gentlemen, prepare to steer us out! The passengers are finished boarding!

Moe: All right you imbeciles, get to work!

Larry and Curly get down on the deck. Larry takes a piece of chalk out of his pocket, and they begin to play Tic Tac Toe. Moe grabs each of them by the ears and stands him up.


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