The Last Day

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Summary: The description of a suicide attempt.

The Last Day

Mark had decided to do it. He would put an end to it soon. For the past few days, he had been meditating about that and he thought he had no more topics to think about. What Mark was going to do was what he should have done many years before. Now, it was an irrevocable decision, no way back.

He was remembering all his life: A sequence of failures and sins, all of it, in his opinion. At least he would get rid of it soon. He had planned it all. He had thought it thoroughly, he would suffer no pain. He could imagine his friends weeping on his funeral. It would be funny to be able to be there to see all that hypocrisy… Hehe, but it was not possible, he thought. He remembered his friends, although no one of them was very close to him. The girls would cry, of course, the men will miss him. Those girls, who would never accept even a hug from him, would cry! He was seeing with the eye of the mind his whole family. All of them, with red eyes, crying and depressed. He felt a little sorry for them but he had taken a decision. Anyway, he only loved himself and did not care too much about his relatives. The best part of his plan was that no one would ever know why he would do such a thing. He did not even know, completely, which were the reasons to make such a crazy action.

He kept on daydreaming with his family. He saw them living a life without him. At this point, his thoughts changed a bit. Would he be useful for someone or something? Why was he alive? Wasn’t it better to just die instead of keeping with this farce called life? Those were questions he could not answer. Mark had reviewed his whole life and had not found anything worth living. It was a complete mess. He was hated by many, had fought others and nobody liked him. Mark had a big tongue, that is to say, he was very talkative but he usually damaged everyone with his talk. It was better that he remained quiet on a meeting. When people had not heard him say his stupidities, they would like him. But when they heard what his noisy voice had to say, they started to get away from him. And moreover, he was very violent, shouting angry sometimes. He was very sure no one would miss him after a few days.

That was one of the problems. Another one was that he could not complete his university. It was very important for him. Right, he had studied by himself and worked for some time on what he wanted. It was a success, but he did not see it that way. His depression did not let him accept his achievements. He was totally depressed now. On those days, he had stopped working and kept only connecting to the web, reading nonsense. Mark had immersed himself in his private world, and he did not let anyone enter there. He survived because he had saved some money before.

At least he did not abandon any girlfriend. He had no one. And he had never had one. No woman would get close to him. Several had done it in the past, but as soon as they knew him, they fled. Anyway, if some lady could get very near him, he would make them go away. He would just stop talking to her. That was the way he thought: he could not fall in love with anyone, because he loved no one, not even himself. That was the reason why he did not want to hurt anybody with his “love”. And he would not be able to do so, because he would hurt any girlfriend as he hurt his very few friends.

Now Mark was happy, as a depressed person can be, imagining people’s reaction to his death: Crying and more crying. That would be the first moment when they would think he was useful for something. But it was nonsense, just to be there, to live. His family would miss his presence. When they woke up and found no one on Mark’s room. When they went to buy something for lunch, he would not be there. He would not sit at the computer. He would not go to make exercise. He would not exist. Anyway, he thought, he was not there before. He had entered into himself and had stopped talking to his family. They were very worried about it but he just ignored them.

At last, after all that thinking, he did what he had to do. He took the great bunch of sleeping pills he had bought in different drug stores and swallowed them all, without thinking, like a mad man. He then went to bed, waiting for the unavoidable…

What he did not think was that he was to die on that sunny day, a happy day for most people. Nobody wept him because nobody knew of his suicide attempt yet. Some people were outside, playing football. The children were happy shouting and making noises. Mark could not feel the happiness of living, of playing, of smiling. Although his life was destined to be happy, he changed his fate and chose death. He was a bit neurotic and he could not stand many of his imperfections. Then, he decided to end his life, because he found that it had no purpose at all. He did not think that if everyone thought that, the world would be empty. And he was not a bad guy either. The matter was that he had a wrong self-image. His self-esteem was almost inexistent too. He did not want to live anymore. He was very different from the rest of living beings: even a microbe desires to live, whatever it happens. But he was very different. He was not happy with what he had or what he could achieve.

Mark did not understand that it is our fate to live, no matter how. He did not think about people being tortured and harassed. And of course, he did not care about tetraplegic people or suffering from cancer. Those people did love life and they would stand their sufferings because they thought that was the way life worked. But Mark could not understand, until the moment of his suicide attempt, that some decisions cannot be undone. He was an expert undoing most things. He undeleted files, or delete the ones he did not like. But life is not erasing and unerasing, it is completely different.

He started to feel cold. He tried to relax and to be as conscious as he could. He felt the desire to cry, because Mark was now thinking that his decision had gone very far. He realized that he had made the worst mistake on his life. Perhaps the only big mistake, the only one that mattered: he decided to end his life. He felt guilty as a murderer and wanted to undo it all. He tried to wake up and go to a hospital or even call someone, but his members did not answer at all. And there was nobody home, he just chose that moment because of that, to be completely alone. He never thought he would like to repent from suicide. But now he was wishing he had not done that crazy thing.

Now he felt worst, he could not move at all! All those pills were doing their job, he had taking too many that he was entering a coma, maybe. He was half asleep now. He felt scared, very scared of death. He never thought that it would be so cruel. He thought he would feel nothing, no regret, no fear.

He heard someone entering the room. Mark could not open his eyes. He started to see everything in black; he could not distinguish any light at all. He stopped smelling the bad odor of his room. And the worst of all was that he completely stopped feeling his body. He was very frightened, as the stranger that had come was not his mother. Now he had no change, it was over. He never understood that reverting changes is impossible in life, and so he was dying, being unable to undo his deeds. Then he felt his last sensation, a cold hand on his heart and suddenly, it stopped working. He died instantly.