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Talk:The Heir

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Contents

[edit] Characters

  • Ezra: seventeen-year-old who was adopted by Jonas. He is the heir to the throne of Armesia, the son of King Eliaz, who was murdered twenty years ago by the fiendish Nardek.
  • Jonas: former palace guard who adopted rescued Ezra from Nardek's hand. He travelled to the mountains of Brama, where he adopted a humble life as a serf in the village of Cirta under the lord Ceeziak in order to save Ezra from discovery by Nardek.
  • Silas: Jonas' true son, and good friend of Ezra. He helps Ezra in his mission to take the throne.
  • Nardek: Evil king who was the adopted son of Eliaz. He was overcome with greed and lust and murdered Eliaz and his all of his sons (except for Ezra, of course) and took the throne of Armesia in the capital of Carouk.
  • Kyle: old friend of Eliaz and Jonas, and one of the leaders of a scattered rebellious group known as the Eastern Resistance. He finds out where Ezra is, and follows the goblin army to Cirta.
  • Elias: the true king of Armesia. He married an Elf, Alia, and she bore seven sons. This, of course, means that Ezra is half-Elf.
  • Solena: Jonas' wife. She has lived in Cirta her whole life.
  • Erin: Ceeziak's daughter, and Silas' love interest. Not a warrior but can defend herself (and others) if necessary.
  • Gelena: Powerful Elf-queen who dwells in the southern region of Dirida
  • Gelen: Powerful Elf-king and husband of Gelena (when two Elf monarchs are married, it is customary that their names be similar)

(more characters to come; don't hesitate to add characters)

All male cast, eh?Serprex 00:35, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Yeah, and maybe with an Eowyn thrown in, too? --YZHchat/2000+ edits 01:17, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

What, you want Arya in there? Don't we have enough Mary Sue's out there? No, I'm planning on adding some females. For instance, Silas will have a love interest, and of course Ezra will later on. And then there will be powerful elven queens (Galadriel?) and maybe one of Nardek's servants can be female. Don't forget the female Ahuran that can always be added. Ylfowvitfb 16:05, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Outline

Ezra is a young serf living in the mountain village of Cirta near the coast of Armesia (dropping the island part). One day as he and his brother Silas are out hunting, they are attacked by a pack of goblins. While speculating on where the creatures came from, an old man named Kyle shows up who tells them that they are spying on the village from a cave further up the mountain. Kyle has flame-breath, which comes in handy. The three enter the cave and find several goblins asleep, and they kill them. Then they enter another chamber and find several standing guard. They manage to kill some, but they sound the alarm and the whole rabble is upon them. The three retreat to the entrance and block it, and Kyle incinerates several with his breath. But then the rest dissappear. After a search of the cave, they find that there's a back entrance that leads out onto the other side of the mountains. Instead of following, they retreat back to the valley and tell the lord Ceeziak. A council is formed where they discuss the threat. Kyle reveals that the goblins were sent to the valley by the Black King Nardek, and tells how Nardek assasinated the true king of Armesia, Elias, and his sons long ago.

Then they reveal that one of Elias's sons survived. That son, of course, turns out to be none other than Ezra. Shocked by this revelation, Ezra eventually decides to accept his destiny. But before he can, they must face off with the army of goblins and undead that is now on its way to destroy Cirta.

(Once this part of the story is finished, the next part of the outline will begin.)

I changed it partially away from what the outline here says. Now Ezra and Silas have been captured, and it's up to Kyle to save them. --YZHchat/2000+ edits 16:39, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Good idea, but it doesn't seem to fit with what we have written. Shall we delete the rest, or shall we keep it for further use? Probably the latter would be better. Ylfowvitfb 16:43, 4 January 2007 (UTC) Ylfowvitfb 16:41, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

I say we keep it all... We can keep adding more and more chapters in between. --YZHchat/2000+ edits 16:53, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

[edit] History leading up to the events of the story

Many millenia ago, the world, Gaela, was created by a supreme, omnipotent diety known as "The Creator" or "The Great One". He created Elves, Men, Dwarves, amongst other creatures, and his mighty servants, the Ahuran. The most powerful of these was overcome with greed and passion and desired to rule Gaela. But he failed in his attempts, and was cast down and forever barred from the Realms of Light. He had corrupted lesser Ahuran, and these became his servants, Phantoms. He corrupted the minds of many of the beings of earth, too, and these became filthy, horrible creatures known as goblins. He tried many times to take Gaela from his brethren, but they defeated him again and again. Finally, he had to flee to the East, to a dark land known as Netopyrus, and there he set up his foul, dark fortress.


[edit] History of Armesia

Hundreds of years ago, the land that would become the Armesian Empire was wild and filled with violence. Clans warred against each other and an evil being known as Zamroth, tried to take control of it. However, Zamroth's enemies, the great beings known as Ahuran (or Shining Ones), sent a man named Elgira to drive out the legions of goblins that were invading the country. Then he took control and, under the authority of the Ahuran, united the land under one banner.

Elgira was king of the new Armesian Empire for many years, and his descendants after him also. But, when Eliaz became king, Zamroth again attempted to take the land. His goblins killed the inhabitants of a small outpost, but spared a small child, Nardek. The goblins, under Zamroth's control, took the boy to the capital in Carouk and he was adopted by Eliaz. When Nardek grew into a young man, he began to desire the kingdom of Armesia for his own, and requested his father Eliaz to give it to him. But Eliaz firmly told him that his eldest son was to be king, and that he would be a lesser ruler. Filled with rage and jealousy, Nardek killed Eliaz and his sons and took power. Zamroth sent him legions of goblins to enforce his rule, and he has ruled the country ever since. Through him, Zamroth hopes to take control of all of Gaela, the world.

Jonas, one of the palace guards, saved one of Eliaz's sons, Ezra, and fled with him and his true son Silas to the island of Shiorta, to a small village called Cirta, where another of Elias's servants, Ceeziak, was lord. There he worked as a serf, but he managed to contact the Eastern Resistance every now and then through talking birds and other animals. One day, Kyle, who was the leader of the rebellion, managed to find his way to the island, where he met up with Ezra and Silas while the two were hunting. There they discovered a nest of goblins that had been sent by Nardek.

[edit] A Description of Gaela and the Surrounding Realms

Gaela, the earth, is flat and is situated at the center of the Universe. The sun and moon circle round it once every twenty-four hours, although sometimes certain powerful spells can alter their course briefly. The stars are dotted here and there throughout the Space. Surrounding the Universe are the Realms of Light, in which dwells the Creator and the souls of men who have died on the side of the Light. There is one known Way between Heaven and Earth, situated in the far West at the edge of the Great Sea. If one crosses the Great Sea, there is a landmass there which consists mainly of a range of mountains. Beyong these is the place where the sun sets, and beyond that is the Way, a portal between the Realms of Light and Gaela. Only the Ahuran and the souls of deceased mortals can travel there. It is closed off to the living.

In a foul, dark void region of the Universe is the Abyss, a horrible place where Zamroth is to be sealed off with his followers forever. Not much is known about it, except that it contains a perpetual fire which cannot be quenched. It burns thousands of times hotter than any fire on Earth.

[edit] Creatures and Bestiary

  • The Ahuran: servants of the Great One. They are beautiful and far more powerful than any mortals. When Zamroth abandoned his position, he lost a great deal of his power and his beauty was destroyed.
  • Vampires: Dark, powerful beings that roam throughout Gaela. They usually take the appearance of tall, bat-like creatures, but they can take many other forms, such as Werewolves. The most powerful Vampires are corrupted Ahuran, although some are the souls of the deceased who are bound to the earth with Zamroth. There is no known way to kill them; they will eventually be banished forever from the earth with their master. Anyone who practices any kind of sorcery or black magic immediately falls under Zamroth's power. Then their bodies begin to rapidly deteriorate until nothing but their souls are left. They can take on new bodies, but these are twisted and deformed, a crude excuse for a replication of their original forms, and these act as mere shells for the darkness that now composes them.
  • Men: Mortals. The Great One created them from the earth, and so they love the earth. They grow plants and till the soil and raise animals.
  • Elves: Immortal created beings. They were created from wood and leaf, and so they love the forests and dwell there primarily.
  • Dwarves: Mortals along with Men. They were created from stone, and so they love mountains and rocks and they mine deep for gold, silver and precious stones. They are often driven to greed.
  • Goblins: Foul, corrupted Men, Elves, Dwarves and other creatures. Most are black and have a terrible stench about them. Their eyes are yellow or red and their faces are hideous and deformed. They are considerably stronger than the non-corrupted, although they are of little intelligence and weak minds.
  • Werewolves: Horrible beasts that resemble a cross between a man and a wolf. The first were corrupted Ahuran, but were slain during the great battles with the servants of the Creator. They pass on their condition through bites.
  • Werecats: Same as above, except that they resemble felines and are servants of Light. Some of the Ahuran took these great, noble forms and fought the Werewolves in them. They are immortal, but do not pass on their forms to mortals.

(more to come; don't hesitate to add)

[edit] On Integration

  1. change Certa from a prosperous city in the north to a) a cottage in the north or b) one of the other cities on the map at Image:Comp1.jpg.
  2. Vayrian can have the Great One as an epithet
  3. A similar story in the Neverending Wiki framework has Drake be the traitor to Vayrian, and steal some of Vayrian's servants the Dragons.
  4. Your entry on the world match closely with that of the Midworld.
  5. You can modify our entries in the Neverending Wiki to reflect what you've already got.

--YZHchat/2000+ edits 19:38, 28 December 2006 (UTC)

You could easilly use The Neverending Wiki as inspiration, but state at the beginning that it does not conform in every way. In fact, you could decide to just make The Heir a Legend.Serprex 20:54, 28 December 2006 (UTC)

As for fitting The Heir into the legends/history, note that we have a lot of blanks for the Horador kings (see N/History/Rulers and N/History) so you could just pick up on one of those kings for the king you have in your story. The other stuff may take a bit of imagination, but it's possible. If you want me to work on the integration, just tell me, here or at my talk page. --YZHchat/2000+ edits 21:34, 28 December 2006 (UTC)

I think for The Heir I'll just make it a legend. Perhaps I'll just start a new universe, as well as adding to the N. In my story here, the Creator is male, whereas Varyian is female, later changed to male. He doesn't have an equal; Zamroth is simply acting out his will. Of course I have goblins, undead and those sorts of things, but that doesn't have to equal the ones in the N, otherwise it would require an integration.

[edit] Rating

I'm giving it a 3/5 for now because it seems rather rambling. Hopefully I'll be able to give it a higher rating very soon, once you've patched your work up a bit. There's definitely some room for improvement. --YZHchat/2000+ edits 20:29, 31 December 2006 (UTC)

Don't worry, as you can see it's been "patched up". I see you've changed the rating. Just to let you know, I've given the Mage Compilation a rating of 4/5. It's coming along really well. Ylfowvitfb 15:59, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for the rating! --YZHchat/2000+ edits 16:45, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

You bet. Thanks for your ratings! Ylfowvitfb 03:56, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

[edit] On Chapter Two

I'm working on Chapter Three now, but that doesn't mean Chapter Two is done. Since I don't know all the backstory, you'll probably have to provide it in Chapter Two. Nothing elaborate: just the main points. I'll probably "take the chapter apart" by shifting all the plot elements, with plenty of detail added, throughout the story, so that it doesn't sound like a narrative, but we need to get the basic background down first. --YZHchat/2000+ edits 19:14, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

I've provided a rather detailed backstory at the top of this discussion page, but I'll continue the second chapter. About Chapter 3: I don't seem to recall Jonas accompanying them; he was on his way to the village to sell their pigs. If you'd rather have him going with them, you'll have to change the story so that he accompanied them on their hunting trip, but there was work to be done on the farm so that he would have to stay home and take care of it. Ylfowvitfb 20:15, 2 January 2007 (UTC)
I've made chapter two the prologue, so it's more like a premise for the story. It still needs work, though.aYlfowvitfb 03:53, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

I'm still trying to find a way for Nardek to discover that Elias's son is still alive. Any ideas? Ylfowvitfb 19:50, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

See, that's why we should have an outline before we begin writing--you won't have to backtrack and delete so much of your story. The backstory at the top of the page isn't enough--you need to have like 5 kb worth of storyline, with details such as where all the characters are, what they say, do, and find out, etc. As far as Nardek discovering Ezra, that can come way later in the story--we can have the newly arrived goblin army come just to attack the humans on note from the antagonist that there may be an uprising forming in the village, etc. And you can keep the part that you deleted, just end it with the fact that none of the three prisoners gave the information away. --YZHchat/2000+ edits 20:06, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

Okay, I'm adding an outline at the top of this page. Ylfowvitfb 16:02, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Spellcasters being corrupted?

Wow, we seem to advocate a black and white policy toward things... Spellcasters must be bad, Lamoth must be evil... Why? Can't spellcasters cast magic in a utopian environment, like that presented in Mage? In that story which I'm working on, spellcasters have great responsibility that comes with their knowledge, but they aren't defiled by their art--your view of the matter seems too much like a Christian thing (like witch-hunts). Meanwhile, Lamoth is a cosmic deity, which means that he stands for a personified aspect of reality--in this case, corruption and destruction. One could potentially imagine instances in which corruption and destruction is actually a good thing, or otherwise something that must exist in order for its opposite to exist as well (no white without black). --YZHchat/2000+ edits 22:13, 2 January 2007 (UTC)

I wish you wouldn't place Christianity in a negative light. But don't worry, I haven't removed "magic" from the story. As a matter of fact, the powers that the Ahuran and the servants of Light wield are far more powerful than those wielded by magicians and sorcerers. This is how it goes; when a person lets go of his greed for things of the physical world and focuses on the purity of the Creator and his Light, the Power of Light flows through him and doubles his potential against Zamroth. Then he/she is not limited by spells or potions or whatever, but can simply channel this power with their will. This power is many times more powerful than what spellcasters in this story can conjure. Of course, this doesn't make it a picnic to defeat a Phantom as Phantoms are extremely powerful, but without it, a person is powerless against a Phantom. Don't worry, I'm not trying to tell you to remove magic or anything like that from your story. As far as I'm concerned, you can have as much of it as you want in Mage. But in this story, it's evil. Does that make sense? I'm not trying to be rude, mind you. Ylfowvitfb 03:51, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

I don't wish to get into a debate about whether or not sorcery is right or wrong here; this is just for its place in our stories. Just to clarify! Ylfowvitfb 03:57, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

In the cases in which Lamoth's destruction is needed, it would be welcomed by the gods of balance. However, in most cases, it is best to create new things then to destroy, even if balance is always needed.Serprex 04:16, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

Sounds good--and I have NO ill will toward Christianity at all, by the way, just to clarify...

Hm.. what about Kyle? He has magic powers too.

--YZHchat/2000+ edits 04:31, 3 January 2007 (UTC)

Kyle is one of the Ahuran, and so he uses the powers of Light.
I've developed a history of Gaela's magic. When the Creator made Gaela, he placed a power in it and set various laws in motion. The power, which was called "magic", would control the laws of nature. The Ahuran were made from Light, therefore they were the most powerful in magic, and a particular element was assigned to each of the two most powerful to control. To Orono was given the Power of Fire and Earth, and Zamroth originally controlled Air and Water, which he later forfeited, so his power was granted to a lesser, female Ahuran, Nebla. When Zamroth rebelled, he corrupted magic so that any mortal who tapped into it would fall under his power, and he also managed to corrupt several of the lesser Ahuran this way. Therefore the Creator divided magic into two entities: the Power of Light, and the Power of Darkness. Anyone who used magic with greed and malicious intent would be using the Power of Darkness (or Darkforce as it is called) and will fall under Zamroth's influence, but anyone who used it with a pure heart would be using the Power of Light (or Lightforce).
Ezra eventually learns to use the Lightforce. Ylfowvitfb 15:48, 3 January 2007 (UTC)
The Power of Fire and Earth means the ability to control earthquakes, cause volcanoes to erupt, etc.
The Power of Air and Water means the ability to control the weather, and to break up and bring together the atoms that make up water.

The two most powerful Ahuran of Light control these, and the lesser Ahuran under them also command the powers to some extent. For example, Kyle is under Orono, so he is able to control fire. Mortals on the side of Light can also tap into and use these powers. Zamroth can control all of them, but he is weaker in each of them than his brothers and sisters, because he is limited by the weaker Black Magic.

So water people can fuse hydrogen atoms into helium, therefore causing a hydrogen bomb explosion, and if put far enough, a new star? Interesting...Serprex 00:19, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Yes, Orono can create new stars. However, he and the Creator are the only ones who are able to. The rest are too weak to do such a thing.

Just to let everyone know who is involved with the story, Ezra is half-Elf, because his mother, Alia, was an Elf. Ylfowvitfb 00:33, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

You sure? That'll mean King Elias was married to an elven queen. Sounds weird. --YZHchat/2000+ edits 01:00, 4 January 2007 (UTC)
Nah, it's not really. It's happened in fantasy stories before. Ylfowvitfb 14:35, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Right, the lesser waters only get to make nuclear strikes...Serprex 01:04, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

I say we just forget the nuclear stuff, since it's getting crazy like this. That's not even my idea; you came up with it! Ylfowvitfb 14:35, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Madness - and Suggestions

  1. This idea is starting to sound crazy. How did nukes get into a fantasy story? It doesn't fit.
  2. Try this instead:
    1. Power of Air = Tornadoes
    2. Power of Water = Tsunamis
    3. Power of Fire = Drought
    4. Power of Earth = Earthquakes
    5. Air + Water = Hurricanes
    6. Air + Fire = Firestorm
    7. Air + Earth = Sandstorm
    8. Water + Fire = ? Life maybe
    9. Water + Earth = Mudslide
    10. Fire + Earth = Volcano
  3. The story is starting to sound like Lord of the Rings:
    1. Goblins = Orcs
    2. Too much fighting going on, not much else (oh wait, that was my fault...)
    3. Dark magic vs. Light magic, so clear-cut
    4. Super-powerful evil creatures ie. Phantoms
  4. If Cirta is on an island, the goblins must have gotten there by boat, ie a WHOLE FLEET. There's no way a fleet of invaders or even a handful of goblins could have gotten there secretly. Rather, place it on some shore.
    1. Try replacing Cirta with Tristram, Bahasa, Gamanta.
    2. If you have to have it be an island, try Caer Arkanros.

Water+Fire=Steamy

That means that I'd have to integrate it with N, and I don't much like that idea. I suppose I could make Cirta a coastal village rather than an island. I'm trying not to mkae it too much like LOTR, but it can't be helped sometimes. Goblins don't equal orcs, but they are similar. We can remove the nukes; that wasn't even my idea. The powers you came up with sound good; they're a keeps. However, I'm still going with Light vs. Dark; that's not limited to LOTR. Phantoms are perhaps a little too similar with the Nazgul, but I still like the idea. Maybe we could forget about them being just spirits and have them retain their physical bodies, but they're totally under Zamroth's control? That would remove too much similarity with the Nazgul of Sauron. Ylfowvitfb 14:32, 4 January 2007 (UTC)
Perhaps we can not have the goblins invade until later on in the story? I mean, now that you mention it the battle sequence was a bit early. However, that's not really a bad thing; it's happened in stories before. Maybe we could have the prologue involve a big battle, and then the battle sequence we're talking about doesn't occur till later on. Ylfowvitfb 14:38, 4 January 2007 (UTC)
In actuality, I really don't mind the early fight. Heck, why save it for later? There'll be plenty more to come! Still, if you'd rather have it come later, that'd be fine with me. I mean, we've got to have some time for introduction to characters, development, that sort of thing. A few little skirmishes couldn't hurt at first, of course. Ylfowvitfb 14:52, 4 January 2007 (UTC)
I've got another idea—why not replace Phantoms with Vampires? No, not Dracula, they'd be different. They wouldn't require blood, as they live on the Dark Powers of Zamroth. They wouldn't have fangs either, but perhaps they'd be bat-like. What do you think? Ylfowvitfb 14:40, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Why not just use liches?Serprex 14:57, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Why not use both? The liches could be under a Vampire's command, perhaps.

Here's a possible revision: the three stir up the goblin cave, as we already have, but instead of them going down the valley, they depart through a back entrance on the other side of the mountains, and make their way back to the capital to report to the Black King (great title, by the way!) Then during this time, there is a council meeting with the lord Ceeziak to discuss the goblin threat, and Kyle and Jonas reveal to Ezra that he is Elias' son. Then another army of goblins (or perhaps undead) attacks the valley, and we have the good battle sequence, and Kyle sends the fake raven back to Nardek to report that the goblins have supposedly crushed all resistance. Ylfowvitfb 15:56, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

Why would they go to report to the capital, and especially report to a capital whose king is the feared and hated Black King?

I'm not sure who you're talking about here. The goblins are his servants; they have to go back and report to him! They would of course report to Ceeziak instead. And as for revealing that Ezra is Elias's son, we should have that come in after a "test" of some sort. We could have a bit about the perversion of Nardek, etc, etc... --YZHchat/2000+ edits 16:14, 4 January 2007 (UTC)
A good idea. Let's go for it! Ylfowvitfb 16:39, 4 January 2007 (UTC)

[edit] show not tell

You don't need to have Kyle describe the characteristics and capabilities of a Lich. I've demonstrated some of it with the altered battle sequence; you can add more by making the battle sequence more complex. Try it! You'll end up with a more active, interesting story. --YZHchat/2000+ edits 04:09, 6 January 2007 (UTC)

But how will the readers know that it's a lich if it isn't called a lich anywhere? Ylfowvitfb 04:20, 6 January 2007 (UTC)


I like the dramatic irony of the part when Solena asks about the staff-LOL (not really, I'm not supposed to make noise in my home)! But then Solena goes from cold to a staff? You mean "old"? ———(YZHchat5000+ edits) 22:09, 8 January 2007 (UTC)

I think Kyle's origin should be changed, because right now he seems to similar to Gandalf. How about this: Liches were created by the Great One to assist the Ahuran in their governing. Four were assigned to help with the building and guiding of the Four Kingdoms, and Kyle was one of those. Several liches were corrupted, however, by Zamroth, and thereafter they became known as Vampires.

How's that? Ylfowvitfb 01:55, 10 January 2007 (UTC)

Never mind—according to this article liches are supposed to be evil. For that matter, liches will be corrupted Ahuran, Kyle will maintain his Ahuran status, but Vampires will be extremely powerful beings superior to liches. I still think it's a little to similar to LOTR; if anyone could suggest an idea to remove the similarities it would be better.
Forget about liches being Ahuran; they'll be corrupted, undead men (and Elves too, perhaps) Ylfowvitfb 02:33, 10 January 2007 (UTC)

Love story? ———(YZHchat5000+ edits) 03:47, 13 January 2007 (UTC)

Of course! What's a fantasy without a little romance? Nardek 16:21, 13 January 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Deletions

What's the point in writing so much stuff, and then deleting it all? Yunzhong Hou 5000+ edits 02:20, 14 January 2007 (UTC)

I didn't delete it all, I just rewrote it a little bit. Since this is high fantasy, I didn't want the history to be so simple that it could be written in a single chapter, so I just removed the "deep history" from the creation and just went back to the beginnings of the empire. Nardek 19:26, 14 January 2007 (UTC)


Given Literary insight Image:GoldStar.jpgImage:GoldStar.jpgImage:GoldStar.jpgImage:GoldStar.jpgImage:GoldStar.jpgImage:GoldStar.jpgImage:GoldStar.jpgImage:GoldStar2.jpg, Humor novelty Image:BlueStar.jpgImage:BlueStar.jpgImage:BlueStar.jpgImage:BlueStar.jpgImage:NoStar.jpg by    

Only refers to Ylfowvitfb's contributions to this story. Well written and interesting story. Characters are underdeveloped, though storyline is well-crafted....
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