This piece is wayyyy too short and lacking a storyline. I hope it gets developed soon, otherwise it's a candidate for deletion. 12:11, 9 October 2007 (UTC)
Nice, I like the intense description of what's going on in Sid's mind. This story definitely has potential, assuming you know where you're going with the embarrassment topic. 13:55, 9 October 2007 (UTC)
I second that, nice. Oh and particularly liked the nameless stranger ("Nope," Hah!). I would love to help ya with that, but I fear what I might not be as good as you at that. So, I'll try to add something, and if you dislike it, or it makes impossible for you to continue, just delete or change what you see fit. Treat any contributions I make as suggestions. --Nonimportant 23:31, 11 October 2007 (UTC)
Hmm... Considering how this guy's an embarrassment freak, won't he have thought over and over about what had made him so embarrassed (I mean at the start of the story)? He should have leaked that out into his replaying mind by now. Ie, I want to know what's going on in the start of the story. Keeping that secret to build up suspense actually would make it unrealistic. Oh, and is this going to be more than just psychological? Because I realized that you just avoided the entire dialogue that Sid was supposed to have with Jenny in the bar...? 00:05, 12 October 2007 (UTC)
Nah,Sid is an arrogant dilly wag who only thinks of himself so he doesn't go over conversations much,just his view of what he did in his talksUser:Serprex 01:23, 12 October 2007 (UTC)
Serprex, don't presume to judge others' characters like that. I for one know that Sid is a much more insightfully developed character than that. 03:57, 12 October 2007 (UTC)
Hey - he's an alcoholic now. Okay, but do people really keep Scotch in the fridge? I guess that can be a quirk? YZH - I think you're right that he would go over and over things. We probably need to flesh things out a bit more to include what's going on in his head as he moves from one sort of embarrassment (clumsiness) to another (rudeness). I didn't intend for it to be too psychological, I just like leaving gaps for the reader to fill - sometimes I probably leave too many. Also, great to see contributions from others in there - keep it coming and we can iron it out as we go! User:Flamingalah 09:28, 12 October 2007 (UTC)
Much of what I said was jestful speculationUser:Serprex 12:36, 12 October 2007 (UTC)
Well, I'd guess that's what alcoholic losers keep in their fridge. Though I wouldn't know since I decided to not burn anymore brain cells than the strictly necessary. Oh and Yun, if you want more detail, then add some detail, the guy's letting anyone to mess with his story for a reason. --Nonimportant 16:36, 12 October 2007 (UTC)
Uh...does this guy have a job or what? I assumed it was weekend, so I had him waking up at noon, but when weekend is over, what does he do? It needs to be something that pays for a bottle of Scotch in the fridge and flowers. Like plastic surgeon of the stars, or, you know, mid-level manager on his mother's transportation company. --Nonimportant 00:04, 13 October 2007 (UTC)
He needs a job that doesn't require too much dynamism and drive. Something non-manual, since he's clumsy and would generally want to avoid physical situations. He probably has a pretty mundane job but secretly dreams of becoming something much more glamorous. Some ideas are: mailman, telemarketer, bank teller, research assistant. Don't think his mother would run a company - she should be lonely and a bit frail so that when he neglects her because he's too busy thinking about his flaws, he feels terrible because she needed his help. User:Flamingalah 14:03, 12 October 2007 (UTC)
Telemarketing would be odd,since so many would be angry and the like.Mailman works pretty well though,since they don't have to interact with anyone all that muchUser:Serprex 15:13, 13 October 2007 (UTC)
Telemarketer wouldn't do for an easily embarrassed guy (unless the goal is comedy), besides, every time I tried to write anything about telemarketers, it would invariably end with them being dismembered, suffering radiation poisoning and then having radioactive cockroaches eating their entrails. So I guess mailman it is! --Nonimportant 15:17, 14 October 2007 (UTC)
What do you think should be the role of the nameless stranger from the bar? I would like him to surface a couple of times, have some impact and then disappear again. User:Flamingalah 13:43, 16 October 2007 (UTC)
That'll be hard to say. Anything I'll suggest will only confine you to that... However, it may be a good idea to read the other stories around here and get a few ideas that you'll find useful. 16:29, 16 October 2007 (UTC)
Keep him as a simple plot device,remaining ever nameless and ever guidingUser:Serprex 19:47, 16 October 2007 (UTC)
Storyobs - I like the therapy twist, that would be crushing. I think you might have shot Sid down too fast with the boyfriend thing though. If she has a boyfriend he should probably find out a bit later. I would be interested to see what happened in a therapy session first. What does everyone else think? Also, I think your indenting and use of apostrophe instead of quotation marks messed up the formatting. User:Flamingalah 10:53, 17 October 2007 (UTC)
I agree about the boyfriend - Sid should find out later. Sorry about messing up the formatting, but I wanted to try conventions re. indenting, etc!! [User: Storyobs 10.10, 17 October 2007 (UTC)]
That is some nice work with the therapy session! I love the fact that he slept through it. I like Jensen too, he and Sid work well together. The bit where he blurts out "are you boyfriend and girlfriend" has potential too. User:Flamingalah 18 Oct
I could bet all the money I have in my pocket that StoryBobs had him sleeping through it 'cause he was being hypnotized. Don't trust shrinks, I'm telling ya. --Nonimportant 16:38, 18 October 2007 (UTC)
Oh, and also "I were to get her, I'm first going to follow her, be around her more often"!? will he mutate into a freaky stalker? Because I'd like that! --Nonimportant 17:10, 18 October 2007 (UTC)
I like the piece about the father, and that he asks if that's the therapy guy. But I don't think Jenny would yell, or slap someone. I'm also sure Sid isn't a stalker. [User:Storyobs] 2:30,19 October 2007 (UTC)
More like she was going to rise her finger and be stern on him, but decided to not bother, but don't worry, it's not like it was much important. --Nonimportant 14:17, 20 October 2007 (UTC)
Ive added a bit about Helen having an accident, as the story needs to move forward. I think Sid's goal is to begin a relationship with Jenny. His need is to relax and not to be self-obsessed. He actually has to do this before he has a chance with Jenny. Maybe his mum's accident will show him that he needs to shift his focus away from himself to others, and that will make him much less emabarrassed. He needs to laugh more - and he certainly needs to be able to laugh at himself. User:Storyobs 04:00, 20 October, 2007 (UTC)
Some browsers have problems to load pages larger than 30kbs, because they have sucky connection, so, when a story gets bigger than 30kbs, a magical thing happens, and someone has to create a cover for it, then divide it in as many pages as necessary. --Nonimportant 15:00, 20 October 2007 (UTC)
I would like to try creating a cover for it. Having said that, anyone's welcome to offer an improvement. User:flamingalah 12:24, Oct 21, 2007 (UTC)
This work already has a cover... 12:51, 21 October 2007 (UTC)
It's here Category:Embarrassment, though, yes, if you're talking about a cover picture, we need one. --Nonimportant 17:01, 21 October 2007 (UTC)
I've done a line edit and tried to tidy up some inconsistencies in character and storyline, as well as some irrelevant material. Storyobs 01.00, October 22, 2007 (UTC)
Ya,sign on when you do edits.If you hadn't posted that you wanted that,I'd of RVd that edit as vandalismUser:Serprex 00:12, 22 October 2007 (UTC)
Sorry, Serprex. I thought I had signed on. User:Storyobs02.40, October 23, 2007 (UTC)220.245.124.231 01:39, 23 October 2007 (UTC) Oops ... sorry again. User:Storyobs 02:50, 23 October, 2007 (UTC)
Given Literary 
, Novelty 
by
- Development is uneven: while places have rather strong psychological/character-development, other parts are lacking and rather inconsistent, resulting in a work that is well written in places and a bit awkward at others. I like the focus on a particular psychological effect in detail....
Given Literary , Novelty by Template:Resu Tset
- I like it....