StarCraft, also spelled StarCraft due to the appearance of the game's logo with an enlarged S and an enlarged C, is one of the most popular computer games in the world. Originally launched in 1998, it remains one of the most often played computer games.
StarCraft comes in two formats: Single player and Multiplayer; the former of which consists of campaigns and miscellaneous games; the latter of which is played online between up to eight parties. It is classified as RTS (Real Time Strategy, despite structures being built within 1 minute and soldiers trained within 30 seconds) and Teen (okay for teens, despite the massive amounts of blood spilled in every game). Three races partake in this conflict (strange how you can understand ALL 3's thoughts): the Terrans (humans), Zerg (insectoids), and Protoss (psionic humanoids). The developers, in a completely unforseen and generally questioned departure from industry standards, gave each of the races different units and different advantages--which turned out to be an immense success and catapulted the creation of many similar games. Most of the action occurs online, where Koreans, players, hackers, noobs, and game addicts play the game as if it were real and as if their lives were on the line (note that one Korean died after playing in a StarCraft tournament nonstop for 36 hours, so this may be true). StarCraft has since become the national sport of Korea.
"OMG ling rush! Ke ke ke" - Korean player, on StarCraft
"We pwnz all 'a U!" - another Korean player, on StarCraft
"En taro Seoul" - yet another Korean player (SlayerS_'BoXeR'), on StarCraft
"Am I you, and are you me, and are we not the same?" - Zerglings, on StarCraft
"Oh my god this hurts so much! Someone put us out!" - Archon, on StarCraft
"Wanna turn up the heat?" - Firebat, on StarCraft
"All your base are belong to us" - Overmind, on StarCraft
"Aww man! Can't even kill a darn little Marine in a hit..." - Battlecruiser, on StarCraft
Look at the picture. Take a good, close look. All the Terran in StarCraft always end up in this dismal position of having to shoot like crazy with a rifle that spews out gausses (those red flares that do damage to 6 cells at a time) rather than bullets. All of them. From Boot Camp to The Hammer Falls to The New Dominion to Chaining the Beast to Omega, it's the same. Talk about stereotyping aliens. Bliz obviously likes sterotyping humans far more.
At least the battlecruisers are better off. But since there's no air in space, all it takes is 1 hit and all the air leaks out and everyone aboard dies. And since they're so slow and big, that'll be easy. Very easy. Period.
In 2499, these backward humans are still using slow, 1-inch-per-second "speed-bikes" and slower spaceships. One wonders how they managed to get to space in the first place.
The Zerg seriously pwn everybody. No doubt to it. Heck, if you'd paid any attention to the cinematics you'd have seen how much they rule. And if you didn't, they'd kill you. If you resisted getting killed, they'll infest you. Or if you just happen to be Kerrigan, they take you and rape you and then through some freak accident make you O Queen. With like superpowers. And the Overmind with even more superpowers. Oh, and if you didn't notice, by the end of Episode 2 they become "Perfect". OOOOHHHHH!!!! COOLLLL!!!!!!
Not. They're so painfully ugly I can't stand looking at them. At least they don't look as cartoonish as the Terran, but really, did they hire a fifth grader to do the artwork? When I was in fifth grade I could already draw any pictures in StarCraft, and a lot better at that too. The clip on the right is where we get that famous comment by children ever since 1998, "Daddy, daddy, is Sandy Claus a Zerg?"
The Protoss rock too. They have the one unit in the game that actually updates itself (the Dark Archon, pictured on the right). No other unit's graphics can move. So of course they win!
Oh, and if it happens that you win, they'll just have their mobile Dark Archons mind control you. Then, they end up winning anyway. So you see, it's a lose-lose situation any way you look at it. The only way to not lose is to go out in one of those box-looking ships from the initial cinematic, in which the Protoss Mothership comes up and Planet Crackers you into smithereenies. Yep, that's the only way, because Tassadar's dead, the Zerg are far stronger and the Terran like tricking them so much.
Terran Marine Medic (M&M)
This is the strategy that involves purchasing a bag of M'Ms from your local convenience store. Upon opening the bag, a large number of colorful and chocolaty marine and medics will pour out. Then, you throw them at your opponents while they dodge them as if they were feces. The marines, the brainless clones of each other (They all have the same face), enjoy utilizing stim packs, better known as a multiplicitive concoction of heroin, steroids, and sex. This technique is a good defence against the Zealot Penis Technique, as the marines have access to speed hacks while under influence. However, as the mentally challenged marines suffer from withdrawal affects soon after, the medics then touch them all over in a sexually explicit manner, involving glowing objects. Sometimes, you may end up with some firebats in your M&M bag as well. They are extra fun since they explode violently upon death. In the event that you run out of your marines and or firebats, the medics are then forced to cover for each other by engaging in hot lesbian action until one of them explodes while screaming in an incredibly strange manner.
Terran Gundam Rush (Heavy Metal)
This one requires lots of dudes that have long hair, some heavy metal band's cd, same band's t-shirt that those guys bought 4-5 years ago, jeans and black boots. Once you gather all those resources, all you have to do is say "Hey guys! Manowar's in town. Concert's tonight, in that guy's base and he thinks they suck! Let's go get him! There's also free beer!" Now watch those headbangers butcher every single enemy unit.
Ever watched players go at a match? Sometime at the beginning (in the first 1 second) they start clicking like crazy even though they aren't doing anything. Most of the time this involves selecting the starting structure, then hold-drag-selecting all 4 workers, then selecting the starting structure, then selecting the workers, endless repeat. The idea is to do it as fast as you can, then while the computer's suffering from this lag you hold down the F1 key which causes the slow-down to accumulate for both you and your opponent. If your opponent's too dull to realize what's going on, you go to main menu and select the option "Extra High Latency" and this line comes out: "<someone> has switched network effects to extra high latency" which transmits all this lag compounded to the opponent and away from your own computer, so for the rest of the game you get to do what you have to while the other guy can only watch in horror as it takes 10 seconds for the pointer to update. Oh, and don't forget to keep clicking away with the F1 pressed, that continuously increases the lag until the other player's computer drops 'em.
The Vulture is an ex-Hell's Angels member who got kicked out for killing ,then raping, too many people. It is cheap, fast, and will run over whatever the fuck gets in its way. They don't take shit from anyone, even players. Also note that some vultures enjoy taking a large, smelly dump anywhere they feel like, with diabolical cause. This is because vultures can receive fecal steroid bio-mechanics upgrades which allow their shit droplets to obtain sentience (IQ up to 150), and retrofit their fecal warriors with explosive charges. Then, these poo-warriors hide in the ground, but make like a jihad upon detection of antagonist units causing mass destruction, flying fecal debris, and A'SPLODAGE. Fortunately, vultures only have the digestive capability to excrete three fecal-jihadists at a time. Be wary when using these units.
Terran Science Facility
The Science Facility is a great nerd recruitment center, where they can do some crazy research, play RPG online and rest in Star Trek-decorated rooms. With this nerds recruits, a Terran Commander can launch him in some suicidal missions. Any nerd care abort this, while it has him.
Terran Science Vessel
The Science Vessel is the result of thousands of nerds saving their allowance to create "the coolest clubhouse ever." From this clubhouse, the nerds can use their math skills and strange chemistry projects for attacks. Computer nerds in the Science Vessel can even hack into Protoss units and shut down their shields.
The Ghost is another type of nerd. They call themselves the "exterminator" but they are the most weak Terran infantry unit in the game. Even still, victory can quickly be achieved by using a Ghost to nuke one's own base the moment any hostiles arrive. Terrans officially CAN´T use nuclears missiles, because the Human Right´s stupid laws. But they can use ghost nerds as a cover. The Ghost "hack" a command center security system and launch the missile, the commander blames the ghost for the incident and "start a investigation", the H.R. people can´t do nothing, and everybody is happy!!!
...Except, you know, the people who got nuked, but nobody cares about them.
Protoss High Templar
High Templar are basically Zealots, but on drugs. When they share their drugs, even in small amounts, they can cause their enemies to hallucinate, and see double. The effects of these strange cocktail of substances has an effect similar to radiation on superheros: it allows them to make lightning strike their enemies, and occasionally themselves. They don't really care what the lightning strikes, because the sounds and bright light are sooo trippy.
Protoss Dark Archon
Dark archons are the best units in the game. Looking at a Dark Archon will cause players to go blind. Standing near one will cause players' hearts to be crushed by their overpowering aura. The best way to defend against Dark Archons is with soulless robots like Probes. Dark Archons have the three powerfully abilities: Divide By Zero, which confuses the enemy, Turn Target Into Pile Of Purple Crap And Throw It At Them, which deals damage according to the amount of crap thrown, and the signature famous Dark Archon Seduction, which seduces the target with the sheer ugliness of the Archon and causes a reverse psychology type effect and the target will become under your control.
Protoss High Archon
Archons are the gay marriage of two High Templars. They are essentially huge balls of solid crack. They instantly explode when they come into contact with a Dark Archon, which is understandable, because Dark Archons are more alcoholics than druggies. Being solid balls of crack, they can use the ability divide by infinity, which counteracts the Dark Archon's ability to divide by zero.
Their bodies are covered with a blue fog, which makes them an excellent weapon of mass distraction. (3000-4000 of them should be able to fog up the whole map)
As a species with the most advanced war technology equipment, this unit is the best in the game, and one Korean unit will cost 200 supply, 10,000 minerals, and 10,000 vespene gas. Plus, only when you control all 3 forces (Terran, Zerg, and Protoss) will you be able to build a Korean Laboratory, where the Koreans are genetically engineered. Hint: Use protoss to mind control the other 2 forces. Except this is a Terran unit so you have to start playing Terran, which means it's impossible for you to mind control the other two races. And the whole process takes like 3 hours to produce 1 unit. What's more, it comes with the spell Armageddon which requires infinity energy.
That's where the cheats come in handy:
- Show me the money - creates 10000 minerals and vespene
- Food for thought - allows you 200 supply
- Modify the phase variance - allows you to build all structures for all three races
- Medieval man - allows you to get the research you need to mind control using Terran
- Operation cwal - allows you to build instantly
- The gathering - provides infinite energy
All of which are built-in cheat codes. So you see, Blizzard developed StarCraft with this arche-cheat in mind.
Episode 0: Loomings
- "What happen?" - Civilian, in Episode 0 (the demo version), Loomings
- Players of StarCraft may be shocked to discover that there's more to the storyline than StarCraft Original is wont to admit. Check it out for yourself at Blizzard.com--search for the demo version of the game. That's right--the "demonstration" of the game, except for the fact that whatever is discovered or mentioned in the demo episode are kept secret from the civilians, and even the military, of the Terran (that's human) Confederacy in the Koprulu Sector. Add on top of that the insidious nightmarish Zerg and the sky-blasting Protoss, and you'd wonder how the Confederacy managed to survive for all that long time. Who knows, but maybe the aliens' invasion may turn out to be a good thing: things within the Confederacy have gotten so bad... it's like democracy's nemesis, with the entire state being run by plutocrats, all more concerned about their own property than about fighting off the threat, and there being conflicts of interest, allegations of "terrorists" (maybe Blizzard predicted Al-Qaida on this point), and using their bloated "Squadrons" of hundreds of troops to fight off (often unsuccessfully) against local militial revolutions. The whole thing is run by sheer lies, and lies is what in the end leads to the government's collapse. But anyways... the point is, in "Loomings" (the name of the demo version, by the way), anything that looms has to remain top-secret and classified, and especially NOT demonstrated (at least not to the masses).
Episode 1: Rebel Yell
- No one understands why Blizzard chose this name for the first *cough* Episode of StarCraft, played by the Terrans (humans--and by the way, who else CAN you play with? You'd get torn to shreds if you tried to control any Zerg brood, or get locked up in Stasis cells if you tried to command Protoss tribes). Aside from being a SECOND proper introduction into this game (which really is quite simple to learn the rules of, but hard to master), Episode One also has "important plot elements"--like, Jim's messed-up love affair with Sarah Kerrigan (who, being a telepath, knows that he only "loves" her to be able to bed with her, and that isn't going to happen anytime soon, especially after she gets perverted by the Overmind in the same episode). Oh, and we can delight with the knowledge that the despicable Confederacy finally falls apart. One problem--there isn't any good government to replace it with. Oh, and maybe another problem--the Zerg are still there. Maybe add a third as well--the Protoss, who indulge in nuking over the entire surfaces of multiple planets (count: Chau Sara, Mar Sara, Antiga Prime, etc., etc.). Yeah: things are looking quite grim for our "heroes" (though of course we know that they never die, because after all how could the game continue if they die off? So unrealisitic, never mind the strategy). The only major highlight in the entire episode is the use of the Psi Emitter--a device which attracts a lot MORE Zerg than we ever knew existed (how impossible does that get?) and draws them all down to the planet surface (how did they get through space? It seems like they could fly through it--the Mutalisks certainly did). You get to watch as the entire enemy base falls apart under this juggernaut. And why can't you just activate the Psi Emitter anywhere on the planet? It would have the same effect. Final point: There's quite a bit of stupidity floating around, like the following:
- "Get me OUTTA here!" - Civilian in mission, "Desperate Alliance"
- "OOH! Pretty disc thingy! Does it make music when I play it?" - Marine in mission, "Jacobs Installation", about the Data Discs
- "You pig..." - Sarah Kerrigan in mission, "Revolution", about Raynor's "thoughts"
- "Some one set us up the bomb" - Edmund Duke in mission, "Norad II", about his is crashed ship
- "Hey, isn't there supposed to be a secret mission around here?" - Kerrigan in mission, "New Gettysburg", about--well, it's a secret mission, after all...
- "I got owned by a n00b!" - Edmund Duke in mission, "The Trump Card", about the Psi Emitter
- "We rushing that Ion Cannon the way Skywalker rushed the Death Star?" - Jim Raynor in mission, "The Hammer Falls", about that Ion Cannon
Episode 2: GARRR!!!!
- (We don't know what the Zerg are trying to say, so the name of the episode doesn't really matter.) Actually, we don't know what the Zerg are trying to say, so this is the transcript we're getting: "Garr!!!! GRgrgrgrrgr... wwuooolloll! Ca-ca-ca!! Ca-gr. Ca-gr. GRgrgrgrrgr. Ka-gca! Gurugru! Garr!!! Ga-ca!" ---Judging from the short sentences and the repetition, and the lack of vowel and consonant diversity, we (the scientists) conclude that the Zerg are only capable of primitive logic, and mostly commands from all those exclamation points. The "Ca-gr" is probably made by the Zerglings, since they're the only ones who only take orders and never give any. Heck, this could be the summary of the entire Second Episode! Actually, that's not all. Input from our Telsat seems to report that there's actually quite a bit going on in the Zerg sector, and not all of it stupid (for those that are stupid, see the quotes below). Sarah Kerrigan--now the Queen of Blades, because being raped by the Overmind while in a cocoon somehow gives a very powerful promotion to her--shows that she can single-handedly vanquish multiple good-sized armies with the might of her powerful clawed wings! And though she's just a bit exuberant about this newfound power, she squanders it all very quickly. Then the Overmind comes and squanders the rest by not using her--his "prize"--in the BIG battle for Aiur. Wow, so maybe they ARE stupid...
- "Behold the Overmind; I'm your very very very BIG daddy." - Overmind in mission, "Among the Ruins", about himself (of course--no one else is that big)
- "Bring it on! Oops, seems like you just killed my friend Cerebrate." - The Queen of Blades in mission, "?", about challenging a hallucinated Tassadar to a duel
- "NO! Do you expect me to ressurect your pal every day (and twice on Thursdays)?" - Overmind in mission, "?", about the PERMANENTLY DEAD Cerebrate (just what's that supposed to mean?)
- "I've raised you up so painstakingly, now I WON'T use you in the BIG battle." - Overmind in mission, "Invasion of Aiur", about the Queen of Blades
Episode 3: The Fall
- "We lost the last time we did that. So let's go do it again! Hooray!" - Conclave in mission, "Into the Flames", about fighting the Zerg "nobly"
- "Yay you're here to save me!... Arrest me? No Yay!" - Tassadar in mission, "The Hunt for Tassadar", about his "saviors"
- "We're about to be overrun by Zerg, now's the time to fight against our own brethren" - Conclave in mission, "The Trial of Tassadar", about who to fight next
- "Yeah I'm sorry, you were right, but that doesn't mean we're going to help you now that you're the only hope for our survival." - Judicator Aldaris in mission, "Eye of the Storm", about not helping out Tassadar and Raynor in the FINAL battle
- "Now I know why the Japs liked their Kamikaze..." - Tassadar in mission, "Eye of the Storm", when he crashed himself and his Carrier into the Overmind to win the war
Gameplay is very, very diverse in this game. Sometimes you command 200 guys in battlecruisers, sometimes you micromanage 3 marines as they dance around a Lurker like crazy until they yell at you to shut up and then get killed, and sometimes you click and click and click and click and click....
It's even more interesting in television. Ride of Valkyries is sported by a bunch of masculine Valkyries (for some reason) with effeminate names like JulyZerg, Nada, Yellow, etc. And like ten hours before a match begins they start screaming like nuts (the audience) and then the game proceeds, with the one commentator's words drowning out all the bits and bytes needed to show the viewers the status of the game. So you end up with weird things like Vultures squeezing through buildings that are actually connected, a dozen Mutalisks stacked on top of each other, and a Barracks landing right on and blowing up three tanks that had just entered Siege Mode.
Yeah--Really, really entertaining. Oh, but I forgot to mention the gameplay. Sorry about that, there isn't much gameplay to talk about.
"DON'T got time for this!!!" - A player on his n00b strategy, Early-game Rushing
"Go SPEEDHACK! Praise to Gundam (one man against the world)!" - Vulture on Terran strategy: Gundam Rush
"Which is the right path to take if the right path to take is the one that's left behind?" - Siege tank on Terran strategy: Siege hopskotch maneuver
"It's really easy. Make loads of Zerglings. Make loads of Zerglings. Make loads of Zerglings. Make loads of Zerglings. Make loads of Zerglings. Make loads of Zerglings." - Spawning pool on Zerg strategy: Zergling Rush
"Numbers is all that matters. Those Terrans are scared of us, everywhere, everytime. Fear is all that matters; numbers do not. Wait, did I just said that numbers don't matter? Sorry, they do! I mean, only fear does!" - demented Zergling twins, on Zerg general strategy
"Power overwhelming!... I can destroy anything! As long as I don't destroy anything, because I'm godly and if I kill anything then I won't be anymore..." - Archon on Protoss general strategy