Admiral's log, October 1, 3301, Enterprise heads for Pluto at one-quarter ultraimpulse. We passed Saturn and are coming up on Uranus. Our guests just finished a tour of the ship. Captain Ramses said that the ship impresses him, but that the people running it are stupid. Our guests remain silent, while the paparazzi perpetually ask inane questions. I will be very glad when we get back to starbase, so that I may dump these annoying schmucks off my ship.
Picard-Kirk finishes his log entry. Rona’s console beeps.
RONA: Josh, ships are coming at warp.
PICARD-KIRK: What sort of ships? They are not El-Aurian refugee ships trapped in the Nexus, are they?
Rona struggles to read what her computer says about the approaching ships.
RONA: Uh, um
Assistant Chief Science Officer Commander Sonic reads it.
COMMANDER SONIC: It is the Tholians, Admiral! This did not happen in Star Trek Generations. Speaking of which, I thought this was a Star Trek: The Motion Picture parody.
Steve Decker takes his thumb out of his mouth.
DECKER: For the most part, it is. However, there is other stuff peppered in. I mean, look at Cho; he did a nice homage to Galaxy Quest back in dry-dock.
Cho mumbles something obscene under his breath. Decker puts his thumb back in his mouth.
TUBMAN: The Tholians are hailing us and are requesting visual communication.
PICARD-KIRK: Open hailing frequencies; put it on screen.
TUBMAN: Hailing frequencies open, Admiral.
A Tholian appears on the viewscreen.
THOLIAN: This is Commander Tsyhtema of the Tholian Assembly. Prepare for your destruction!
GALILEO: Hey, what gives? Enterprise-B never encountered Tholians on her maiden voyage.
TSYHTEMA: Ah, you forget Star Trek Generations: Beyond the Nexus for the Nintendo Game Boy.
PICARD-KIRK: Video games are non-canonical, and you know it!
TSYHTEMA: This parody is also non-canonical. If I wish to draw from other non-canonical Trek sources, I can so nyah!
The viewscreen switches back to a view of Uranus. Suddenly, there are blue flashes of light, emerging from which are the orange-glowing, roughly conical ships of the Tholian Assembly.
PICARD-KIRK: Egads, full stop, then go to red alert, arm weapons, raise shields, and deploy armor!
YELCHIN: We have no armor, Sir.
PICARD-KIRK: Do not tell me, Tuesday?
AHAB: No, never, armor became obsolete after hollidanium replaced tritanium as the chief metal used in starship hulls.
RAMSES: Tritanium is also virtually impossible to melt, which makes one wonder how Starfleet built any ships with it. Hollidanium is much easier to melt and is much stronger.
YELCHIN: Admiral, look!
On screen, two Tholian ships connect their aft ends. The ships then pull away from each other, emitting an energy beam between them.
PICARD-KIRK: My Lord, they are creating a Tholian Energy Web™! It looks like the end for us. I just want to say one thing before we die. Even though I only knew you all for a short time, I think you are the finest crew in Starfleet.
AHAB: Damn it, man, the Tholians did not improve their tech since "The Tholian Web" in the 23rd century! This is a 34th-century super gentleship for crying out loud! Blow them to Hell! Yeesh, I will be so glad when this is over. This dumbass is rotting my brain!
Galileo and Ramses nod in agreement.