On October 1, 3161, Starfleet completed charting the entirety of the Milky Way Galaxy. The other various empires of the galaxy ceded their space to the United Federation of Planets. Now controlling the entire galaxy, the Federation reestablished itself as the United Suprederation of Galaxies. "Suprederation" is a portmanteau of "super" and "federation."
It is now September 30, 3301. A bright pink cloud about eight billion miles in diameter penetrates the Galactic Barrier. It heads for Earth, capital world of the Suprederation. As the cloud passes Delta Vega, three Suprederation Butterfly-class "gentleships" intercept it. They are U.S.S. Fairy Princess, U.S.S. Fred Rogers, and U.S.S. Barney the Dinosaur.
The lead ship is Fred Rogers. Flanking her starboard and port are Barney the Dinosaur and Fairy Princess, respectively. Captain Brown, a Klingon botanist, sits in his raised command chair at the center of the blue-lit Bridge of Fred Rogers. While he strokes Spot, his Venus flytrap, his first officer stumbles to his side.
FIRST OFFICER: Damn, it is dark in here! Computer, turn up the lights!
The Bridge brightens very slightly.
FIRST OFFICER: Oh, come on, surely, you can brighten it more!
COMPUTER: If I make it any brighter, it will ruin the drama. Deal with it!
Brown rolls his eyes and sets Spot down on the floor.
The viewscreen activates. It shows a computer-generated view of the ships approaching the cloud.
The viewscreen switches to a live view of the cloud.
BROWN: Send a friendly greeting.
FIRST OFFICER: Should we not shoot three torpedoes at it, Captain?
BROWN: I am not Mark Lenard nor is this Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Commander. The Suprederation Starfleet is a peaceful organization. I also do not want this fleet disintegrated by balls of lightning.
FIRST OFFICER: Star Trek: The Motion Picture sucked balls. That is for sure.
COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: Cap, our signal cannot penetrate the cloud. We will need to use a probe.
BROWN: Very well, launch a probe.
Fred Rogers launches a probe from her forward boom. The probe disappears into the cloud. As the crew waits in silence, a pink ball of lightning suddenly appears.
BROWN: Holy shit, invasive procedures!
FIRST OFFICER: Evasive maneuvers, Captain!
BROWN: Yeah, that!
At the Zeta X (10, ten) subspace relay station. A Bolian female, Lieutenant Commander Sloot, converses with Captain Brown via subspace radio.
SLOOT: What is going on, Captain Brown?
BROWN: We intercepted a bright pink cloud, and we are under attack by bright pink balls of lightning!
SLOOT: I will tell you who has hot pink balls of lightning.
BROWN: I am not joking! See for yourself!
Sloot's viewscreen switches to a view of the lightning balls harassing the gentleships.
SLOOT: Hey, that reminds me of V'Ger from Star Trek: The Motion Picture! Do you reckon that that is V'Ger's sister?
Meanwhile, at the cloud, one lightning ball finally overwhelms the shields of Barney the Dinosaur. It strikes, enveloping her hull in extremely bright pink light. The ship subsequently vanishes. However, fortunately, Barney the Dinosaur's crew transports to Fred Rogers before she disintegrates.
BROWN: Damn it, we lost Barney the Dinosaur!
SLOOT: I never liked him, not even when I was a child.
BROWN: I will call you back, Sloot.
Brown terminates the subspace transmission.
BROWN: Where is Fairy Princess?
A nine-year-old clone of Shirley Temple enters the Bridge and answers Brown's question.
SHIRLEY TEMPLE CLONE: She is in Fairyland.
She giggles, and Brown turns his chair to look at her.
BROWN: Who released the Shirley Temple clone?
FIRST OFFICER: Fairy Princess retreated, Sir.
Brown yells various expletives.
The clone covers her ears, as the first officer escorts her from the Bridge. The chief engineer's voice then comes through the intercom.
CHIEF ENGINEER: The warp drive is nonfunctional!
BROWN: Well then, retreat at full impulse!
Another lightning ball races toward Fred Rogers as she desperately attempts to flee.
BROWN: Invasive-I mean evasive pattern, delta five!
Eventually the lightning ball strikes the ship, and she suffers the same fate as that of Barney the Dinosaur.
Looking over Sloot's shoulder is Commander Xon, the commanding officer of Zeta X. They witness the gentleships' destruction at the balls of the "Barbie Nebula," as Sloot calls it, via the viewscreen.
SLOOT: We plotted a course on the cloud, Commander. It will pass fairly close to us.
XON: Where is it heading?
SLOOT: Take a wild guess.
XON: Is it Vulcan?
SLOOT: Do you not remember, Commander? The future Romulan Nero destroyed Vulcan in 2258.
XON: Do you not remember, Commander? This is the Prime Universe!
SLOOT: Oh, right, I knew that. It is on a precise heading for Sol III.
Sloot clears her throat.
XON: Oh, right, Venus.
SLOOT: Oh, for the sake of the Bajoran Prophets, Xon, have you never studied stellar cartography? It is on a precise heading for Earth!
It is the 140th anniversary of the foundation of the United Suprederation of Galaxies on Earth. The city of San Francisco is the location of Starfleet Headquarters and the office of the Chief of Starfleet Operations. He is a cross-eyed, bald man with buckteeth, wearing a pair of round, oversized glasses.
Orbiting Earth is a dry-dock facility, housing a 2,000-meter long starship with four warp nacelles. The behemoth is U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-AA, built with a hull made of the super-hard and super-strong metal, hollidanium. She is the first super gentleship of the Enterprise-class and the third Suprederation starship to bear the illustrious name. Below is how the Chief of Starfleet Operations (a.k.a. "the Chief") describes Enterprise's exterior design.
"She is a kit bash of a Federation Ambassador-class saucer, a Romulan Narada-type mining ship, and a Klingon D7-class neck. The 'tendrils' of the mining ship serve as her warp nacelles."
Please note that that is a very rough description. Take it with a metric ton of salt, with about a kilogram of potassium for good measure. It is now time to look at Enterprise's senior staff. The Chief selected only the "best" to crew the Suprederation's newest flagship.
Name: Joshua Picard-Kirk
Rank: Rear Admiral
Position: Commanding Officer
DOB: September 8, 3271
Origin: Paris, France, Earth
Rear Admiral Joshua Picard-Kirk descends from James Tiberius Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. The Chief's decision to put this yahoo down in any command chair encountered much criticism. Picard-Kirk slept his way to the admiralty, by seducing and laying any high-up woman that would have him! Rumor has it that he never even fired a phaser before! Despite his failings, however, he is best friends with Larry Burton and his wife Rona Burton.
Name: William Stephen Decker
Position: First Officer
DOB: March 4, 3280
Origin: Utopia Planitia, Mars
Captain William Stephen Decker descends from Willard Decker and his father, Matthew Decker. He insists that people call him by his middle name, even lower-ranking officers.
When Willard Decker merged with V'Ger, he created the Borg Collective and became king. His relatives and descendants were now royalty and became "rich beyond the dreams of avarice" to quote a famous 23rd-century physician. Here is the story of William Decker's rise to the captaincy.
Once upon a time, there was a man who sucked his thumb named William Decker. His parents had lots of "bling." He was so dense, it was a wonder he made it through regular school. He continually failed his Starfleet Academy admission exam, so his parents paid for his entrance into the academy. However, he was a thorn in its side and aptly nicknamed "the Starfleet Academy menace," which inspired a play by the same name. He stayed a first-year cadet for five years. Alas, his parents paid the academy to graduate and give him a captain's commission.
Unfortunately, the Chief of Starfleet Operations was as dense as Decker. Come time when the Chief was assigning the crew to Enterprise, he made Decker ship's first officer.
Name: Rona Burton (née Chekov)
Position: Chief Science Officer/Second Officer
DOB: January 1, 3265
Origin: New Antarctica, Pluto
Commander Rona Burton (née Chekov) descends from Spock and Pavel Chekov. She has the Vulcan Pah-roh-dee Syndrome and cannot wear clothes due to an extreme fear of clothing. However, she can and does wear a red clip-on nipple ring, with an arrowhead communicator, on her left breast. She also wears three silver clip-on earrings on her right ear to represent her rank. Despite her disability, the Chief still assigned her the positions of second officer and chief science officer. His reason: "She is a Vulcan, and Vulcans are smart."
Name: "Miz" Monique La Forge
Rank: Lieutenant Commander
Position: Chief Engineering Officer
DOB: July 7, 1970
Origin: Williamston, North Carolina, Earth
Lieutenant Commander "Miz" Monique La Forge is an ancestor of Geordi La Forge. An unexplained temporal "accident" transported her from July 7, 2010 to today. The Chief assumed that since she and La Forge shared ties, that she would make "one Hell of a chief engineer." The Chief gave her a lieutenant commander's commission, and she became Enterprise-AA's chief engineer.
Name: Larry Burton
Rank: Lieutenant Commander
Position: Chief Medical Officer
DOB: October 10, 3245
Origin: Christopher's Landing, Titan
Lieutenant Commander Larry Burton descends not from Leonard McCoy. There is nothing much else to say about him except that he is an excellent surgeon.
Name: Henrietta Tubman
Position: Communications Officer
DOB: February 2, 3266
Origin: Ghana, United States of Africa, Earth
Lieutenant Henrietta Tubman descends from Harriet Tubman. The only thing for which she is good is saying, "Hailing frequencies open, Admiral."
Name: John Cho
Position: Helm Officer/Tactical Officer
DOB: June 16, 1972
Origin: Seoul, South Korea, Earth
Lieutenant John Cho is an actor famous for portraying "Hikaru Sulu" in J.J. Abrams's Star Trek. He is another victim of the temporal "accident" and the Chief's stupidity.
Name: Anton Yelchin
Rank: Lieutenant Junior Grade
Position: Chief Security Officer/Navigation Officer
DOB: March 11, 1989
Origin: St. Petersburg, Russia, Earth
Lieutenant Junior Grade Anton Yelchin is an actor famous for portraying "Pavel Chekov" in J.J. Abrams's Star Trek. He is another victim of the temporal "accident" and the Chief's stupidity.
An air tram lands at Starfleet Headquarters. Its gull wing door opens, revealing none other than Admiral Picard-Kirk. He exits the air tram, joining an anthropomorphic male hedgehog with blue quills.
PICARD-KIRK: Commander Sonic did you get my e-mail about being Enterprise's assistant chief science officer?
COMMANDER SONIC: Yes, Admiral, thank you.
PICARD-KIRK: Then why are you not aboard?
COMMANDER SONIC: Captain Decker requested that I finish running around aimlessly here.
PICARD-KIRK: Enterprise is in final preparation to leave dock.
With the unoriginality of this scene making him nauseous, Sonic says his next line.
COMMANDER SONIC: This will require 24 hours at minimum. Damn it, Admiral, you owe me 20 bucks if I throw up!
PICARD-KIRK: Yeah, we are totally ripping off the scene where my favorite ancestor is talking with Commander Sonak.
COMMANDER SONIC: What do you mean your favorite ancestor? Do you not like Captain Picard?
PICARD-KIRK: That crybaby Picard could not defeat Soran in Star Trek Generations, so Kirk had to do it! What happened to Kirk? He died!
COMMANDER SONIC: Well, Kirk said that he would die either alone or with a bald Frenchman.
PICARD-KIRK: Anyway, do not beam to Enterprise. Take a shuttle.
COMMANDER SONIC: Why should I do that?
PICARD-KIRK: The transporter will scramble your molecules. You will be what Starfleet "got back that did not live long."
COMMANDER SONIC: What makes you say that?
PICARD-KIRK: Oh, come on, Sonic, do you not realize that this a Star Trek: The Motion Picture parody? Did you not read the part with the bright pink lightning balls?
COMMANDER SONIC: I was too busy making love to a hot, pink, anthropomorphic female hedgehog by the name of Amy Rose.
PICARD-KIRK: Do not give the SonAmy 'shippers a heart attack, Commander. Gee whiz, they are rabid enough without you stirring their imaginations.
Later, Picard-Kirk beams to the orbital office complex where Lieutenant Commander "Miz" Monique La Forge greets him.
MIZ MONIQUE: Hey, Admiral.
PICARD-KIRK: Miz Monique, have you lost weight?
MIZ MONIQUE: I do not reckon. All I did was walk round K-Mark.
Picard-Kirk and Miz Monique board a travel pod and the rear airlock doors close.
PICARD-KIRK: Are you ready for it.
MIZ MONIQUE: What is it, Admiral?
PICARD-KIRK: It is the long-ass, monotonous tour of the docked Enterprise.
The travel pod labeled "47" undocks from the office complex. An hour passes, and the travel pod docks at the port airlock of Enterprise's saucer. The airlock doors open, and a female ensign in a green uniform discovers two bodies on the floor. It is Picard-Kirk and Miz Monique, and they are asleep, drooling out the sides of their mouths. The tour bored them to sleep.
Picard-Kirk sits in the command chair on the Bridge. Miz Monique is in Engineering. Decker sits beside Picard-Kirk, sucking his thumb. Rona sits in a fetal position, rocking back and forth in her chair at the science station. Cho and Yelchin sit with their legs up on their respective consoles. Tubman has earphones on, listening to her iPod. Her console starts beeping. Tubman does not hear it. However, it startles Rona, making her scream.
PICARD-KIRK: Calm down, Rona, Miss Tubman, answer that . . . Miss Tubman!
Tubman removes her earphones.
PICARD-KIRK: Your console is beeping.
Tubman pushes a button on her console. A young woman's voice comes through the intercom.
WOMAN: Hey, Dad, this is, like, your daughter.
PICARD-KIRK: Which daughter are you? I have several.
PICARD-KIRK'S DAUGHTER: I do not know, but, like, some Larry person will not beam over because of, like, transporter phobia or something.
PICARD-KIRK: I am going down there.
STEPHEN: Khan might be down there!
Picard-Kirk enters the transporter room and heads to the transporter console. He pushes a button on the console.
PICARD-KIRK: Larry, why will you not beam up here?
Larry's voice comes through the intercom.
LARRY: I have transporter phobia, Josh!
PICARD-KIRK: Look, Larry, I need you badly! Besides, your wife is onboard. You want to be with your wife do you not?
LARRY: Oh, all right.
Larry Burton appears with a long beard touching the transporter pad.
PICARD-KIRK: Jeez man, do you not shave!
LARRY: Damn it, Josh, I am a doctor, not a barber!
The senior staff sits on the stage in Enterprise's auditorium. The rest of the crew sits in the audience. Picard-Kirk steps up to the lectern.
PICARD-KIRK: Hi, everyone
The audience answers in tired monotone.
AUDIENCE: Hello, Admiral Picard-Kirk
Picard-Kirk chuckles nervously.
PICARD-KIRK: The former commander, chief engineer, and navigator of Enterprise-Z, as well as the paparazzi, are accompanying us on our maiden voyage. I want everyone on their best behavior because these are distinguished guests. Moreover, I hear that Captain Ahab ran a very tight ship, and I would hate it for him to see you act like fools. That is all, thank you.
The audience departs.
A champagne bottle spins through space à la Star Trek Generations. It eventually smashes against the hull, christening Enterprise-AA. Nameless extras clap in the dry-dock maintenance and observation booth. Retired Captain Ahab of the Picard-class U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-Z enters the Bridge from the turbo-lift. A female paparazzo with very untidy hair immediately shoves a Nintendo Game Boy in his face.
PAPARAZZO: How does it feel to be back on Enterprise's Bridge?
CAPTAIN AHAB: Go away, woman, and brush your hair!
The paparazzi gather round Ahab, his former navigator Galileo, and his former chief engineer Ramses. However, Rona begins hallucinating that she is an Eymorg woman, searching for Spock's brain. She runs round the Bridge, prompting the paparazzi to disband.
RONA: Where is Spock's brain? What is a brain, anyway?
PICARD-KIRK: All right, you damned gossip gluttons! There will be plenty of time for questions later! Captain Ahab, Captain Galileo, Captain Ramses, it is an honor to meet you.
CAPTAIN GALILEO: What is the deal with the naked Vulcan chick running amok? Is it her "amok time?"
Larry, who shaved earlier, answers the question.
LARRY: It is always her "amok time," but despite her Pah-roh-dee Syndrome, she is good. She is very good.
PICARD-KIRK: She is my second officer and chief science officer.
CAPTAIN RAMSES: What is happening to Starfleet?
CAPTAIN AHAB: It is that damnable new Chief of Starfleet Operations! He is so stupid, that he put this whack-job here in command of the Suprederation flagship, and assigned her a crew of mentally unsound people!
Picard-Kirk, though unhappy with Ahab's comment, forces himself to smile.
PICARD-KIRK: Would you care to take your seats?
The three men take their seats.
PICARD-KIRK: All right, folks, here is the rundown. We are to slingshot round Pluto and come back, so that we may dump you assholes off at Starbase 001. Then we intercept the "Barbie Nebula." Are there any questions?
An anthropomorphic female hedgehog with pink quills raises her hand.
PICARD-KIRK: What is your question, Miss Rose?
AMY ROSE: Where is Sonic?
PICARD-KIRK: He is puking in the restroom.
AMY ROSE: You know that you owe him 20 bucks now, right?
PICARD-KIRK: How well I know. Anyway, Captain Ahab, it would honor me if you gave the order to get underway.
Captain Ahab stands up, adjusts his uniform, and clears his throat.
CAPTAIN AHAB: Get this damn boat moving!
The Bridge erupts into applause. Picard-Kirk sits in his command chair. He rocks the chair slightly, making it squeak. Larry comes to his side.
LARRY: What is wrong, Josh?
PICARD-KIRK: I miss my old office chair. Oh, well, Mr. Cho, you heard Captain Ahab.
CHO: Yes, Sir
Cho presses a few buttons, and the thrusters of Enterprise-AA fire. As she slowly creeps out of dry-dock, she gradually veers to starboard. Captain Ahab darts to the helm controls, relieves Cho, and is able to adjust course. However, Enterprise still scrapes the starboard dry-dock wall. Ahab yells expletives in several languages.
End of Episode 1