For Blood Orchid, the guy/gal/alien/A.I. that said he/she/it likes dark humour
And in case you don't know what dark humour means, it's really bad, bad stuff...So run away and cover your ears kid! It's the only way! RUN FOR YOUR DEAR LIFE!!! Unless, of course you're...15 (Well, they let five-years-olds listen to that story with wolves eating little girls). In which case your mind is clearly more suited to bear the dark memories of death and despair (than, say, one day before you were 15). That would otherwise scar you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!
That was a mature-content warning, in case you're not immature enough to understand it.
Stanley remembered the events that preceded his walk through the dark, gloomy streets of Gigglesburg. He could remember them as foggy at best, but that was because they happened in foggy rooms with foggy people doing foggy things. The problem was not with Stan's mind (he liked calling himself Stan. Stan sounded creepy, he thought) nope, it couldn't be.
Not only he was a fifth degree member of the Sixty-Sixth Order of the Great Dark Lordly Fellow, but he also bore the titles of "Pentagram-Drawer Extraordinaire" and, after many months of mastering the different sized guillotines, hypothetical knives, sphincter rippers, hodge-podge transformers, and Elvis costumes, "Most Dark Sacrificer of Dead Critters of All Shapes and Sizes."
Stan knew those were very, very, very important thingies, especially since he was one degree from becoming a full member of his group of like-minded individuals who endeavour in common interests which many times relate to mysticism.
The leader of the Order of the Great Dark Lordly Fellow, Harajholva, (an old gypsy with crazy eyes, called "Most Dark Mistress of Night and Whips and Poison and Other Generally Bad Things" reverently by her rank-inferiors) gave him a message relayed from the very fires of HELL ITSELF (that were symbolically represented by her lava-lamp)!
When translated from Hell-fire into English the message was pretty much "You gotta go and kill a guy/gal and then carve a pentagram on his/her forehead with a sharp pointy object and bring the body to the cult centre Author's note: "Kids, don't try this at home"," [editors note: or do but forget you heard about it here] but it was conveyed with the same antiquated language and tone very peculiar to all the messages revealed to her by the BOWELS OF THE UNDERWORLD (by which I mean the words "ere" and "fro" were used at least four times, "thou" six times, "thither" twice, and "deadfuck" a peculiar sixty-three times.)
Stanley, of course, hadn't really thought on the human-killing aspect of being a Satanist until now (he was in it for the free cheeseburgers, really) and had no idea on how he would do it. Oh, sure he was "Most Dark Sacrificer of Dead Critters of All Shapes and Sizes." A human sacrifice is a big deal, though, and there were so many options. So many squishy, fleshy things that could be distorted, disrupted, perhaps even disassociated. It was too much for one already stressed Satanist to think about.
As he pondered the matter, he was pretty amazed that Most Dark Mistress of Night and Whips and Poison and Other Generally Bad Things and her two sisters managed to get sixth degree (and, by the way, those three were the only ones to receive such honors), without him ever hearing of people's bodies appearing on the streets with pentagramed foreheads. He chalked it up to their mystery.
It was in this kind of deep thought that Stanley heard something. He wasn't sure if he would classify it as a thud or a thad, or a pum, or maybe even thunk. It was undoubtedly dark and ominous. As Stan jumped over a nearby white fence he saw a girl, a dead one, fallen over the window. A little box of sleeping pills lay empty on the ground next to her.
Stan was somewhat dismayed at the sight of the dead girl. Where's the fun in mangling something that's already dead? On the other hand, a corpse was exactly what he needed to gain his sixth degree, which was cool. So, he gave his creepy, demented laugh, which was only mildly creepy, but rather more demented than the average.
He swiftly infiltrated the girl's house, careful to not wake up any possible parents, and went to her kitchen to get a knife. When he returned, the girl had stood up and when she saw him, she stumbled towards him, exlaiming said "Petty Sirlly colurs...!" Stan did his best to smile and wave, while hiding the knife behind his back, also while shouting the "Most Vile Seven Evil Curses of Creepy Words," and then while catching her as she fell dead, again.
He couldn't contain a feeling of impish yayness while he carefully, but gleefully carved the pentagram on her forehead, with the experience of a true Pentagram-Drawer Extraordinaire. Then, he put the knife in his pocket, so as to not leave any evidence. He dragged the girl to the window. He dragged her through the window. He dragged her to the fence. Then, he took a breather because, as everyone knows, corpses are heavy. He pushed her over the fence. Finally, he brought her into the Secret Lair of Vile Loathings.
When he showed his sacrifice to the other brothers and sisters, but, more specially, to Dark Mistress of Night and Whips and Poison and Other Generally Bad Things. He finally would attain the most high degree of the brotherhood! And thus, when the Mistress spoke her words, it was as if they were spoken by the Great Dark Lordly Fellow himself!
"Uh...Stan...I hate to tell you this, but we were just messing with your head, all you needed to do to attain sixth degreeship is to sign some forms. We thought you wouldn't...you know," she said, but in a evil sort of way that would make an entire church vomit in horror.
"What? What you mean by this? What sort of treachery is this!? Was this all a test?"
Dark Mistress of Night and Whips and Poison and Other Generally Bad Things rolled her eyes, "We were just kidding, actually."
"Oh...bother. Well, that's not such a problem, since I...well, I didn't actually kill her, she was dead when I found her."
The entire brotherhood laughed heartily, and the Great Gypsy of Darkness Said "Man, we don't really kill people on a regular basis here, dude, that would be twisted. We have principles, you know, like anonymous sex in funny outfits, a rebellious perversion of Christian ritual in lieu of originality, individualism that would theoretically be harmful to an organization, and good food"
And even more (mostly hallucinogenic-induced) laughter ensued. So much that the girl woke up from her state of near-death, and said "You guys are, like, the funnest guys ever! And this party is kinda funny with the skeletons and big pointy stars and the pretty pictures! Hey...why is my forehead all bloody and stuff?"
Dark Mistress of Night and Whips and Poison and Other Generally Bad Things seemed startled for a moment, although all the brothers knew, as she, with her far-sight powers that came with the Sixth Degree Pact of Evil and Death and Stuff, already knew, what would happen. Looking evily at the girl, she yelled, "She knows too much! Kill Her!."
That night the Sixty-Sixth Order of the Great Dark Lordly Fellow rejoiced laughing at the irony of it all. And as they feasted on the girl's corpse, the drugs, still lingering in her body, lulled them to a sweet and marvelous sleep.