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Here’s a science fiction story about an alien called Xenu, We didn’t write it, someone called L. Ron Hubbard wrote it but the authors spoof Xenu here. Why is it important? All too often advertisements paid for by Scientology turn up on the Internet and some are obviously Scientology but others talk about Dianetics or just promise you ethical happiness etc without making the source clear. Well Scientology doesn’t look very ethical, and many reasonable people say Scientologists are more likely to empty your bank balance and make you less happy and less healthy than before. So if you find advertisements pretending saying they’ll improve your life and it all looks too good to be true keep away.

This is at the top of the page because a similar notice on the top of The Aliens of the Flaming Red Sun may have helped inspire, Scientoligeist! May it inspire yet more good creative fiction.

Scene 1Edit


Main Title.

Jimmy Hendrix' "Star Spangled Banner" playing. Scenes of various American landmarks flash across the screen. The Lincoln Memorial's head has been replaced by that of Elmer Fudd.

Cut to: Overweight, unshaven Steven Freeling sprawled out on the easy chair in front of the television, which is now playing static. The static clears partially to show, Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu (now deposed) who glares with evil out of the television uttering fowl words.

Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu: Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! Quack! Quack! Cock a Doodle doo!

Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu continues, with foul alien words this time words.

Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu: You will never be rid of my evil influence unless you hand over the whole of your life savings to Scientology

Static returns, then the static clears partially while Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu speaks again.

Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu: I'll goof the floof, just you wait and see if I don't. [1] Static returns then clears yet again while Xenu speaks yet more.

Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu: Judges can't stop us! The law can't stop us!

Steven Freeling:Err, What did you say?

Grand Imperial Warlord Xenu still glaring with evil and making a gesture with his fowl foul alien hand. It is unclear if Xenu is raising one finger skyward in a very rude American gesture or if the evil one is thrusting with two fingers in a similar rude two fingered gesture popular in the United Kingdom, Australia etc. Indeed the strange, evil alien hand may possess one or more strange, evil alien fingers that branch into two part way up, only the disrespectful gesture is clear, Steven Freeling stirs.

Steven Freeling: Errr! Ooo!

Static returns Steven Freeling goes back to sleep.


  1. Hubbard insists that Xenu's capable of goofing the floof, whatever it involves. Here's what Ron Hubbard actually wrote,
    ...and they were about to unelect him (Xenu). And he took the last moments he had in office to really "goof the floof."
    Of course Hubbard may have been intoxicated and confused when he wrote it, see here.
    Here's alternatives for Goof the floof. Goof means to make a mistake. London Back slang for fool is, “loof” which is similar to, “floof” London UK is an important international dock where American sailors may well have learnt back slang to develop their own version. “Make the fool goof” looks like a plausible translation of, “Goof the floof” but the Urban dictionary definition is much funnier.

The floor is littered with beer cans. The family dog is loudly and messily consuming the remains of what appears to be a dead animal. Are there rats in the house? The dog runs upstairs into Dana Freeling's room, where it finds an entire chocolate cake underneath the pillow. Devouring the cake, it runs into Carol Ann Freeling and Robbie Freeling's room where it eats Robbie's secret stash of Snicker's bars. [1]

Exit dog.

Carol Ann sits up suddenly, rubs her eyes and makes her way down the stairs. She gets down on her knees in front of the television.

Carol Ann: Hellooooooo? Hellooo?

Suddenly Roz from Monsters, Inc. appears on the screen.


Carol Ann: What??

Static appears again.


Steven, Dana, Robbie and Mrs. Freeling awaken and come down the stairs. TV ghosts are questioning Carol Ann.

Carol Ann (responding to questions): Five....I dunno....I dunno....WHAT??? You pervert!!! How dare you ask me that! [Makes puzzled face] My dental records? 

The dog returns and is sick over the carpet. [2]

Carol Ann MUMMY!!! The dog’s been sick all over the carpet!!!


  1. If a group wants to produce this film the part above can be produced, using several hungry dogs that look similar. When one dog has eaten its fill the camera stops or films something else while another dog is brought onstage to replace the satisfied dog. That way a surreal amount can be eaten.
  2. This can’t be produced using a real dog but would work well in a cartoon or animation.

Scene 2 Edit

Camera pans over scene of Cuesta Verde from a hilltop. Theme from "Ghostbusters" plays. Several signs appear on the hillside:





Suddenly Rambo appears, outfitted with Ghostbusters apparel, including the unlicensed nuclear accelerator and ghost trap.

Rambo (firing his ray gun): YAAAAAAAAH!!! Ghosties, I'm comin' to GET YOU!!

Cut to: Man riding his bike laden with beer through the neighborhood. A couple local kids are sitting on the curb, playing with their RC cars. RC cars cross paths in front of bicycle, causing man to brake rapidly and spill all his beer on the ground. Beer cans violently explode, soaking man and several neighbors with beer.

Beer Man: Oh *   * STUPID *    *'s!

Man picks up exploded beer cans, which are somehow still spraying beer, and runs into Freelings' house where he plops down on the couch with a bunch of other football fanatics to watch the game. Suddenly the channel changes to Ghost Hunters, where Jason Hawes, Grant Wilson, Brian Harnois and a makeshift crew of "experts" are investigating the basement of a haunted mansion.

Brian Harnois: WHAT THE F***!! Did you hear that??

Crew Member: Sounds like the wind to me...

Brian reacts violently to something unseen, hitting Grant in the face and smashing a $1,000 camera.


Grant Wilson: What the...

Jason: :WTF!!! There was a voice! It said "BLAKKA BLAKKA OOKA BLAKKWA!"

A mist appears in the room

Investigators and Crew together: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGH! RUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!

Crew push, shove and step all over each others' faces to get out of the basement. In the process the camera filming the episode is smashed. Brief static, and then the channel goes back to the football game, which has just ended. The football fans all start yelling and swearing.

TV Announcer: For those folks who missed the game, here’s the result .............

Static returns, then clears revealing a ghostly manifestation of Tom Cruise and it appears he’s guess what, fingering his p****.

Thundering Ghostly Voice: “Stop goofing the floof Tom, it’s very bad manners and makes a very bad impression.”

Ghostly Manifestation of Tom Cruise: It’s not my fault! It’s those THINGS! They keep making me do it.

Thundering Ghostly Voice: What THINGS? Don’t make excuses and stop doing that!

Ghostly Manifestation of Tom Cruise: Really, I’m telling the truth as I’m alive! I’m telling the truth as I’m a Ghostly Manifestation! It’s BODY THETANS! Some of them are stuck to my p**** they keep making it itch so I have to scratch my gizmo, I don’t want to.

Thundering Ghostly Voice: Get a grip on yourself man! Use some self control!

Ghostly Manifestation of Tom Cruise: I’m really trying to stop getting a grip on myself but my gizmo itches so much. The Earthly Tom Cruise audited his Body Thetans away but then they decided to come over here. Now I can’t get rid of them the same way because I’m just a Ghostly Manifestation. And this one at the tip makes me itch so much.

Static returns, then suddenly trailer for Paranormal Activity begins broadcasting.

Caption In September 2009 a bunch of people got to see the screening for this awesome, scary new film. We promise it's the SCARIEST film you've ever seen. We recommend that those who are pregnant, who have medical conditions, who have explosive diarrhea or who are precariously balancing a load of fine China not watch this....

Scene opens with Micah and Katie sleeping in their bedroom at night. For about twenty seconds nothing happens, then ugly scary gargoyle-thingie with big horns and sharp teeth pops up on the screen and screams really loudly. The football fans all jump in their seats.

Beer Guy OH S**T!!!! I pissed myself!!

Caption GOTCHA!!! HAHA! You're just as gullible as those idiots who we got to watch the screening!!! BWAHAHAHA

Steven Freeling sighs, gets up and goes to the sliding door to confront his next-door neighbor, Benny.

Steven: Benny, I can't believe you guys waste your time with that lame show. We just missed our game!

Benny: C'mon, Steve! We've never missed an episode. Look, just move your stupid set okay? [Aims remote control at Freeling house and clicks]

Steven [clicking back with his remote]: Move yours, Benny.

The two continue clicking at each others' houses faster and faster until both remotes and televisions blow up.

Benny: I hate you

Suddenly football fans come out in a rage and scare Benny back into his house.

Cut to: Diane Freeling cleaning out Robbie and Carol Ann's room. She sees a dead Tweety in the birdcage.

Tweety: I KNEW I taw a puddy-tat....

Narrator: Oh this is just plain silly and boring! Let's get to the exciting stuff!

Scene 2 and 1/2 Edit

Cut to: Later that night in Carol Ann and Robbie's bedroom. A ferocious storm is howling outside. Lightning and thunder are crashing and the house is shaking.

Robbie: Boy that storm sure is swell! I hope some lightning hits our house!

Narrator: WHAT???

Robbie: Ooops, I mean...AAAAAUGH! That storm is really freakin' scary!

Steve appears in the doorway.

Steve G'night, buddy. Hey what'sa matter?

Robbie: I'm scared of the storm, Dad!

Steve: Well I think the storm is moving away from us! You know how I can tell?

Robbie Lemme guess. You wait for the lightning, then count until you hear the thunder, right?

Steve Well not exactly. What you actually do is imagine the lightning hitting your worst enemy. Isn't that a swell idea?

Robbie: Totally Dad!!! I love it! Let's see...right now I'm thinking about it hitting that stupid jerk at school who keeps on taking my lunch money.

Steve That's the spirit! Keep it up! I'm going to bed now. Sleep tight! Don't let the lightning, bedbugs bite !

Robbie is about to start imagining, but suddenly he notices the creepy Krusty the Clown doll at the foot of his bed.

Robbie (curling up in fetal position) Can't sleep, clown will eat me! Can't sleep, clown will eat me!

Cut to: Robbie and Carol Ann sleeping with their parents. The television is on and playing static. Suddenly, Carol Ann awakens to the sound of faint voices in the TV. She gets up and kneels down in front of it.

Carol Ann *SIGH* You guys again? What is it this time?

Voice of Sam Wheat (from Ghost) Hey listen here! I need to warn you guys about something!

Carol Ann What?

Sam Wheat The Scientologists are trying to take your money!

Carol Ann that isn't already obvious enough...

Sam Wheat But it's worse than that! You see...hey, LEGGO! OW!

Other voices from within the screen Hold him down...shut him up...listen, little miss, you don't have to worry about a thing. This guy's a lunatic. Don't trust him. We killed, he committed suicide because he was depressed because he was possessed by...I mean, he was on drugs, yeah that's it.

Carol Ann You guys are all a bunch of f***ing liars!

Voices No we're not! We're here for your good! In fact, we want to amuse you all with some tricks!

Carol Ann Hmm...well I do like tricks. What can you do?

Bright flashes appear on the screen and then suddenly a huge, creepy misty hand pops out of the TV!

Carol Ann Wow, that's a pretty cool trick!

The big hand continues to extend but suddenly it stops. A panicked voice is heard inside the TV.


Another Voice Stupid moron! We're ghosts remember? We can get through anything! Now stop your clowning around and get through the damn screen!

First voice gives a painful whelp, and then suddenly there is a bright flash as Ghost 1 flies through the screen and into the wall right about the bed. The house shakes and things start falling and breaking. Family wakes up.

Steve What the h...Carol Ann! What on earth are you doing talking to the TV again??

Carol Ann (in a really creepy voice) THEEEEEEY'RE HEEEEEEERE! Muahahahahahaha

Diane Oh knock it off. Who's here?

Carol Ann The TV people!

Robbie What? You mean like Diane Sawyer and Bob Costas?

Carol Ann No stupid, the TV ghosts! They're using the TV as an entrance to our dimension from theirs!

Family together Oooooooh!

Cut to: Breakfast around the table next morning. The kids are having an all-out brawl and food and utensils and stupid insults are flying around the kitchen.

Diane Wow, we sure trained our kids right, didn't we?

Steve Who's "we?" 

Steve straightens tie and then quickly leaves the house to go to work just as a fork lands right by the door. Dana finally gets up from the table to go to school.

Diane Dear, are you sure you want to go like that?

Dana Of course! Everyone else is doing it!

Dana quickly leaves as Robbie and Carol Ann are still covering each other in cold oatmeal.

Diane All right, kids, that's enough. Now Robbie, go get ready for school.

Robbie runs off to get ready, Diane starts scooting the chairs under the table while Carol Ann suddenly goes to stare at the static on the kitchen TV.

Diane Honey, that'll hurt your eyes!

Carol Ann Aww mom, everyone else watches static! Besides, the TV people want to talk to me again.

Diane Oh I wish you'd come off of that. There are no such things as ghosts! EEEEEK

Diane turns around to see the chairs stacked one on top of the other on top of the table.

Diane Oh gee, I guess I must've stacked all those together and forgot all about it! Yeah of course.

Cut to: Later that evening as Steve is coming home from work. Another ferocious storm is on its way in. He gets out of his car and suddenly Diane is rushing out the door and grabbing him by the hands and dragging him into the house.

Diane Hurry Steve, before it stops again!

Diane pulls Steve into the kitchen. Several burgers have been set out on the counter.

Diane Now try to be open-minded about what you see, all right?

Steve Okaaaaayy...

Suddenly, an invisible force starts messily devouring the burgers right in front of them. Ketchup and mustard and pickle relish spray all over the observers. Diane starts jumping up and down and screaming with delight. Steve wipes the mess from his face and huffs.

Steve Honey, have you feeding all our burgers to this thing?

Cut to: Later, in Steve and Diane's bedroom. They are having a loud argument.

Steve Honey, I'm serious here. I don't want you giving all our food to these...whatever they are! They're absolute piggish gluttons!

Diane But doesn't it just fill you with wonder?

Steve Hell no! I don't need to wonder! No one goes into the kitchen until I figure out what's going on, allright? And no more feeding these greedy polterthingies!

A terrifying s-c-r-e-a-m is heard from Carol Ann and Robbie Freeling’s room!

Steven That’s my son, Robbie, I must rescue him!


Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Scenes 3 to 4

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