Scene 5 Edit
The family and mediums are sitting in the living room later that night. The mediums have a bunch of equipment set up (speakers, microphones, drums, electric guitars, karaoke machines, etc). Ryan and Marty are getting ready to jam to "Smoke on the Water" when Old Mae comes into the room.
Old Mae What the hell are you guys doin'??
Ryan Um...well, we were, er...trying to provoke the spirits! Yes, that's it! Right Marty?
Marty (nodding head in agreement) Yes! Exactly! We know they love this song so we thought it would entice them to show themselves to us!
Old Mae Hmmm...not a bad plan! Wait...that accountant is contacting me. (closes eyes What? You say they hate "Smoke on the Water?" If they play it the spirits will get so angry that they'll suck the house into the other realm? Alright, I'll tell them. (opens eyes) Sorry guys, but that's not going to work. Now put that junk away and get out the spirit-detecting gizmos. NOW! No I don't mean the gismo where Tom Cruise had body thetans!
Marty and Ryan sadly begin packing up the band equipment, take it out the door and come back in with a bunch of unrecognizable machines that seem to be composed of bells, Tesla coils and record amplifiers.
Diane What the hell is that stuff?
Old Mae This is our professional EVP-Tracking Stereophonic Inter-Dimensional Para-Energy Amplifying Ecto-Translator 3000. It's for tracking, monitoring, manifesting and talking back and forth with spirit beings from the other dimension.
Diane I see....
Steve recovers consciousness, rubs his head.
Steve This is professional?
Old Mae (Sigh) No actually not. This isn't a profession. There are no certificates or licenses to practice parapsychology. It's just something to do when we're bored.
Marty connects the last of the cords into the outlet and Ryan switches the machine on. It begins humming and whistling loudly.
Old Mae Oh yes!! Those are EVPs! Someone's trying to contact us!
Suddenly Steve hears something, gets up from the floor and goes to answer the phone.
Steve Hello? What? Oh, sorry. It's this Ecto-Amplifier Paradimensional Stereofuck thingie that these psychics brought into the house. (Calls into living room) The neighbors are contacting us, they want to know what all the racket is over here.
Old Mae Aha.
Machine suddenly stops whistling and humming.
Marty Well at least we know it works!
Steve comes back into room.
Old Mae Well, I guess we should try contacting your daughter, huh?
Diane Oh yes, definitely! (Cups hands to mouth) Carol Ann! Carol Ann! This is your mom calling! Can you hear us?
Scene 5 and 1/2 Edit
In the Other World
Xenu I'll communicate here! (Gives an evil laugh)
Back in the living room
Voice of Xenu (faintly audible through the EVP tracker) Your mom goes to college!
Diane You bastard! I'm trying to talk to my daughter and you go insulting my mom to my face! F*** YOU!!
Old Mae Diane, stop that. You're going to make them angry and the last thing this house needs is a bunch of angry spirits.
Suddenly Carol Ann's voice is heard.
Carol Ann Mommy, is that you?
Diane YES! YES IT'S ME! Can you hear me?
Carol Ann Mommy, help me! I'm being held captive by Tom Cruise!
Diane Tom Cruise, you bastard! SHE'S JUST A BABY!
Tom Cruise HAHA! This is the perfect stage in her life to get her to think my way! OW Stoppit you little brat!
Steve Tom, you let go of her RIGHT NOW!
Tom Cruise (voice changes to Xenu's) BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NEVER!!! You shall all be mine!
Old Mae Mr Freeling, where was Carol Ann playing when she disappeared?
Old Mae MR FREELING!!!!
Steve Oh yeah, I think she was playing by the refrigerator!
Old Mae Then we'll go check there!
Steve They won't let you!
Old Mae shows her brass knuckles.
Old Mae We'll just see about that won't we!
Suddenly Marty comes in from having examined the kitchen. He is holding his bloodied side and yowling in pain.
Marty YOOOOOWWWWWW!!! OH S***!!!!!!
Oda Mae What the hell happened to you??
Marty I was over by the fridge and something disemboweled me! (Lifts up shirt to reveal emptied abdominal cavity)
Old Mae I think we'll spend the night in the living room.
Steve Oh no, WRONG! Diane, take Dana and Robbie and go spend the night in town.
Diane Absolutely not! Not while that moron has my baby!
Suddenly there is a loud stomping, roaring, and a blast of wind from upstairs. There is a flash of lightning and then the house shakes and many things are broken and people tossed around.
Diane (shouting from living room) OHHH! Carol Ann! She just went through my soul! I felt her! But there was a cold, evil presence with her!
Old Mae turns back and closes her eyes. She looks extremely disturbed.
Old Mae It was an evil spirit, I think! A demon perhaps.
Diane What? I thought it was Tom Cruise!
Old Mae It's not Tom Cruise! Come on! Tom Cruise is still alive. He may be stoned out of his mind, but he's still technically alive.
Diane So who was it then?
Old Mae (Closing eyes tightly) I'm reaching for the name, but for some reason it has escaped me.
Robbie What do we do then?
Old Mae I guess we should get some shuteye while I'm waiting for the name to come up.
Scene 6 Edit
The Freeling family is sleeping (or appears to be sleeping) in the living room. Old Mae calls Ryan and Marty for a little private discussion.
Old Mae Has our tracker recorded any movement yet?
Marty Oh you know, there's been a few ionization fluxes, radio static, phone conversations, podcasts...I'd like to make sure it's not caused by humidity or any natural phenomena but I sure as hell am not going upstairs to find out.
Ryan We've got much more than the paranormal taking place here! There's a measurable physical science in this house!
Marty Yeah, it goes far beyond any of the cold spots, creaking doors, smashing chairs, bleeding cabinets and disappearing ladders-from-under-your-feet that I've ever experienced!
Old Mae So where's the voice on the television coming from? I mean the one that's not broken?
Ryan Well there's a channel that's not getting a signal, so it's free to receive crap from just about anywhere! Solar waves, car ignition sparkings, the neighbors' brand-new Blu-Ray TV, the neighbors' cell phones, outer space...
Old Mae Outer space??? So that explains why we're getting messages from Xenu...
Marty Or inner space! Remember, Xenu was deposed? I mean, supposedly?
Ryan Yes! What if these people have an area bilocation in their own living room? If that's the way out, then somewhere in this house is the way in!
Marty No...I think the signals are coming from somewhere else. There's nothing in the living room.
Old Mae Where?
Marty Well, this is going to sound kind of crazy, but I think they're being tracked from the bathroom. The toilet to be precise.
Old Mae and Ryan look at each other
Old Mae Well, you two can figure it out. I'm going to get some shuteye. I need to figure out the name of that Evil Presence.
Family in the living room. Old Mae is about to turn off the TV.
Diane Leave it the f*** on!
Old Mae Watch your language bitch!
Diane Oh sorry. I mean, please leave it on!
Old Mae leaves the TV on and goes to sit back down.
Robbie (sitting on Diane's lap) Miss Old Mae, how come Tom Cruise can't pull his head out of his ass?
Old Mae Well Robbie, some people get strange ideas in their head about the world. At first they are skeptical but then suddenly the ideas become intriguing and then irresistable. They think it's interesting and fun and free. Soon it's all they can think about and then their heads are up their asses and they find themselves unable to pull them out. It's quite sad really.
Robbie Oh I see. But why do dead people continue to walk the earth? Don't they know they're dead?
Old Mae Some people believe when you die you go to a wonderful place called heaven. And some people believe there's a wonderful light that awaits the spirits of those dead people through which is heaven. But you see, some people believe that Heaven has noisy ice machines and that if they leave the earth and go through the Light they'll get the room right next to those ice machines. And that would be annoying. And they also believe Nehru jackets aren't allowed in heaven, so they don't want to go because they love their Nehru jackets too much. It's quite sad really. But then some people wanted to live longer and didn't want to die, so they get really angry and bitter and jealous of their friends and relatives who are still able to watch "Lost" but they aren't. And those feelings are bad. And they start throwing things around and smashing things and stubbing their toes and uttering long lists of swear words.
Robbie and Diane together Oooooh!
Old Mae But then there are still OTHER people who just get lost on their way to the Light. They're walking towards it and suddenly they think "Hey, I think that Sylvester Stallone may have come out with another Rocky Balboa film! Ooh! Man, I wanna see it if he did! Rocky Balboa's the awesomest character ever invented! I mean, I know Stallone's over sixty and this crap is starting to get old, but I can't seem to get tired of it!"
Ryan is sitting by the equipment sketching a bikini-clad Angelina Jolie. Marty is ravenously stuffing his face with Cheez-Its.
Ryan How can you eat if you've been disemboweled?
Marty Uhhh...er...I dunno! Some weird spiritual gift, I suppose. (Looks up into box) Oh darn, I'm out of Cheez-Its! I'm going into the kitchen to get some more stuff to eat.
Ryan But aren't you afraid of the food? It might come to life and start crawling! Maybe even sing annoying Billy Idol songs!
Marty Haha, you're so full of it! Food can't come to life, everyone knows that!
Marty enters the kitchen and grabs a bunch of junk food out of the pantry. Then he opens the fridge and takes out a steak and a chicken leg. He begins inhaling the chicken leg while he places a frying pan on the stove, goes to the sink and then suddenly hears a disgusting, *SCHLORP SCHLORP* behind him. He turns and sees the steak crawling across the counter.
Marty OOH YUCK!!! EEEEEEWWWWW!!! That's gross!! YUCK!
Steak continues crawling until it reaches the edge of the counter, then suddenly the Chestburster from Alien jumps out of it and starts singing "Mony Mony."
Marty AAAAAUUUGH! NOOOOOO! It's HORRIBLE!
Suddenly his face contorts in pain and he spits out the chicken leg. A bunch of maggots go crawling away from it but Marty doesn't even notice them.
Marty I didn't know it had Blazin' buffalo sauce on it!! Man that BURNS!!
He rushes to the bathroom and starts filling his mouth with cold water. Strange light is coming from the toilet but Marty barely notices it. Suddenly he notices a sore on the side of his face. He puts his finger in it and the flesh comes off. The sore grows larger and soon he is pulling massive hunks of flesh off his face. It splashes gorily into the sink. He pulls the last bit off to reveal the face of Davy Jones.
Davy Jones Do you fear death? HAHAHAHHA
Suddenly there is a bolt of electricity and Marty's face is restored.
Marty Awww, man! That was so fun being Davy Jones!
Back in the living room, everyone is sleeping except for Ryan, who is still busy drawing Angelina Jolie in a bikini and listening to AC/DC and completely unaware of what is going on. Suddenly one of the surveillance cameras the paranormal investigators set up turns to face the upstairs where a mysterious mist is gathering. The mist gradually takes the shape of a clown. Robbie suddenly awakens and stares in horror.
Robbie AAAARG! It's gonna eat me!
Everyone else awakens and stares in wonder at the spirit. Ryan is now busy dancing and jamming to his music and singing loudly.
Clown Spirit OOOH! Will someone please shut him up!!!
Marty comes in, yanks the headphones from Ryan's ears and points his head toward the spirit. The clown begins to descend the staircase when suddenly it trips and tumbles down the rest of the way. He lands on his crotch on a tricycle that for some odd reason was parked right in front of the stairs.
Clown WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH SHIT!!!! F*** YOU!!!
Clown gets up, throws a tantrum and then jumps into the ceiling. The house shakes and Many Things Are Broken.