Back to Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Start to Scene 2

Scene 3 Edit

Carol Ann and Robbie Freeling’s bedroom, eerie sound effects happen intermittently throughout this scene. A giant something has reached into the room and grabbed Robbie! The something looks like a gnarled tree with the head or face of Xenu somewhere on its trunk or in its branches. The something has limbs that could be the branches of a tree but could also be Xenu’s branching limbs as they appeared in the first scene. Steven Freeling (drunk) and Diane Freeling (sober) rush into the room. A tug of war follows as Diane and Steven Freeling pull their son back into the room while the tree/Xenu tries to pull Robbie out of the window. The tree/Xenu lets go and is sucked away by whatever, Xenu’s evil laughter is heard from the window.

Xenu I’ll be back.

Steven and Diane Freeling watch the retreating tree/Xenu then Diane Freeling looks apprehensively towards the door. [1]

Diane Freeling Where’s Carol Ann?

Cut to Carol Ann alone in the room. The closet suddenly flies open and a huge light appears inside and all the junk in the bedroom gets sucked towards it.

Carol Ann Okay, who left the vacuum cleaner on again?

Faint voices are heard whispering "C'mon, Carol Ann, let's go play!" The suction gets stronger and soon Carol Ann is hanging on to her bedpost for dear life.

Carol Ann What the heck is going on here? Let go of me! I don't wanna play with you! You guys are too rough!

Suddenly three ghosts who bear striking resemblance to Fatso, Stinky and Stretch from the Casper film appear in the closet doorway.

Stretch: Aww c'mon! We'll play nice! We promise! (Heeheeheeehee)

Suddenly Robbie's bed tilts upward and gets sucked toward the closet. The Ghostly Trio have barely a second to see it before it hits the doorway and crushes them.

Fatso (muffled): I keep telling you to watch where you're pointing that thing! We got the bed instead of the girl!

Carol Ann gets up and runs out of the room and into the kitchen.

Carol Ann Mom! Dad! I know who's been eating our...uh oh!

The refrigerator door suddenly flies open and the light appears inside.

Carol Ann Oh ****!!!!!

A ghostly hand (Stretch) reaches out of the fridge, grabs her, and pulls her in. The door slams shut.


  1. This is from the Poltergeist film, there is nothing as far as we know in Scientology about Xenu masquerading as a tree.

Scene 4 Edit

The hall or vestibule just outside the living room or whichever room was the setting for the television scenes. Steven and Diane Freeling rush through and the camera follows them as they enter the television room. Steven and Diane Freeling stare disconsolately at the broken remains of the television set and the remote. Carol Ann’s voice is heard again from outside.

Carol Ann from somewhere outside Help me! Help me! I’m in the refrigerator!

The camera follows the parents again as they rush out of the television room and back into the hall or vestibule, then with the camera following them they rush into the kitchen. Desperately they open the refrigerator door, Carol Ann is nowhere to be seen and her voice is heard yet again.

Carol Ann from somewhere inside the fridge Help me! Help me! I’m in the freezer section!

The parents open the freezer section, there they see Carol Ann’s disembodied head inside a giant ice cube. Carol Ann speaks to them from the ice cube.

Carol Ann (echoing) It’s freezing here!

Diane: What's with that creepy voice?

Carol Ann: It happens when you get sucked into another dimension, you silly cow!

Diane and Steve look at each other. Dana is panicking in the background.


Diane: Calm down, sweet....


Diane: Steve, take care of her will you, honey?

Steve: No problem, dear!

Steve takes a frying pan from the stove and whacks Dana quickly on the back of the head. A goofy grin spreads across her face and she falls to the ground and stars and circles and screeching birds circle around her head.

Diane: Thanks! Now, what do you propose we do about our daughter?

Steve: Well, I suppose we should just wait for her to regain consciousness and then...

Diane: No, I mean the one in the fridge!

Steve Oh. I guess we should call for some help!

Diane Ghostbusters?

Steve Don't be silly! I was thinking more like the Ghost Hunters team.

Cut to: Ghost Hunters walking up to walk to the Freeling home.

Jason Did you guys hear that???

Brian I think that was the door creaking open! And there's someone behind it!

Grant Oh, I think it's our host! You guys can chill.

Steve Thank goodness you guys are here! We need to get our daughter out of the other dimension.

Ghost Hunters enter the house and immediately freeze.

Brian AAAAUGH! That noise! I heard a creepy noise! It was like 'bip'!

Jason OMIGOSH! What's that??? (pointing towards photograph of Farrah Fawcett on the living room wall) A GHOST!!! A GHOST! RUN!

The Ghost Hunters stumble and push and shove and step all over each other as they rush out of the house in panic.

Steve Maybe we should've tried asking a psychic medium...

Cut to: Steven sitting in the office of psychic Old Mae Brown, who is being constantly bothered by annoying spirits. Behind her are her two Assistant Mediums, Marty and Ryan.

Old Mae So how many of your family were involved in this incident, hon?

Steve I dunno...five...six...oh wait, no, it was just our daughter Carol Ann.

Old Mae And would you welcome a thorough..oh, hold on. I've got a spirit contacting me. (Closes her eyes) Yes? Who are you and what do you want? I'm busy right now...who? No, I'm sorry, I've never...of course I'm not going to tell your husband you want your alimony! What the hell would you do with alimony? You're dead for Christ's sake! Look, why don't you just move your little ghostie ass into the Light like a good ghost should. Yes, I mean NOW! You'll get more than your alimony if you do. What? No! GOODBYE! (Opens eyes again) Sorry about that, Mr. Freeling. These things pester me ALL the time.

Steve How long has this been going on?

Old Mae Ever since this murdered financial accountant came to me for help. Now every f***ing ghost in the US is coming to me for petty, ridiculous favors! I'm going insane!

Steve Well don't worry, Mrs Brown. Help us and you won't be bothered again!

Old Mae Yeah, that's just what the accountant said. Oh well, at least I get money for this. Oop, hold on, here comes another one! (Closes eyes) NO! It’s the accountant, he says he wants to prevent fraud! Look I’m absolutely not fraudulent, don’t you dare suggest! Oh it’s fraud in Scientology you’re concerned about, yes you got out of it but you’re worried about others. Yes!!! We all know that $CIENTOLOGY COSTS A MINT! but it’s nothing to do with me! I’m out to extract money from this family of suckers, er I’m out to offer valuable services to the very sensible Freelings. (Old Mae shakes as she tries to get rid of the accountant) Go away! I'm busy! I'm with a client who's actually PAYING me for my trouble! (Opens eyes) Now Mr. Freeling, will you welcome a thorough investigation?

Steve Uh, sure, I mean yeah, because we need to get our daughter back!

Cut to: Freeling home. Diane is taking the mediums on a tour of the house.

Diane And this is our bedroom. As you can see, it's been newly refurbished and we even took the liberty of...

Oda Mae Mrs. Freeling, this is all very interesting but we're not here to tour your house, we're here to investigate your daughter's disappearance.

Diane Oh yes! I forgot all about that.

Diane takes them downstairs to the fridge and opens it up. A blast of wind flies out and various food items are floating around, making goofy noises at the onlookers. The Head Medium gets squirted by the bottle of ketchup as it flies past her face. Ryan and Marty both get soaked with chocolate syrup.

Cut to: Mediums and Freelings sitting around the kitchen table, trying to drink coffee (which is difficult as the coffee urn keeps squirting coffee on them). The Head Medium is trying to explain to the Freelings exactly what they are experiencing.

Old Mae Well frankly, I think what you've got here is a poltergeist. It bears all the classical marks: Objects moving by themselves, little kids talking to no one in particular, dogs fetching tennis balls thrown by an invisible entity, little kids talking to the TV set, food items spraying themselves on people, people getting sucked into other dimensions, etc etc etc. This is a lot different from hauntings, which are associated with a place rather than a single person and take place over a longer period of time. Poltergeists are associated with one person and they usually don't last too long.

A giant frying flies up from somewhere and hits Steve on the head, Steve falls to the ground, his legs rise up into the air, then fall again.

Old Mae Uh huh. That’s Karma generated when Steve did something like that to Dana.

The giant frying flies up yet again and strikes Diane less hard that Steve was just struck.

Old Mae Uh huh. That’s Karma generated when you encouraged Steve and didn’t mind that Steve hurt Dana.

Diane (Rubs her head) So you're saying that all this could just end at any time?

Old Mae Uh huh. I wish I could say the same for myself...

Steve wriggles groaning semi-consciously on the floor. Old Mae mumbles

Old Mae Uh huh. Perhaps I should try not to be fraudulent or bad karma could get me.

Scene 4 and 1/2 Edit

Carol Ann is sitting on a couch in the Other Realm with a spirit that resembles Tom Cruise (in a parody of a famous scene from The Matrix). He is rather unsuccessfully attempting to convert her to Scientology so he can get all her family's money.

Tom Cruise No no no, you don't get it at all. Scientologists do NOT believe that an evil alien warlord named Xenu kidnapped over fifty million of his people and killed them with hydrogen bombs around volcanoes and that everyone is infected with alien parasites. Don't you understand?

Carol Ann Yes, I understand that you're a misguided moron who's screwed up in the head. And that you're lying. Not only do you believe that, but you want everyone's dough so you can buy yourself another diamond-studded swimming pool and a twenty-acre mansion. And I understand that you are completely unable to pull your head out of your ass.

Tom Cruise Now please just listen. This is a science of the mind...

Carol Ann It's a science of bullshit. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get out of the fridge and back to my family, so we can show you how to pull your head out of your ass.

Tom Cruise Very well, but not until you deposit at least $60K into my account.

Carol Ann I'm not depositing one penny into your f***ing account, Mr Cruise! Now lemme outta here.

Tom Cruise And also you must go bite off Matt Stone's balls for daring to insult the Church of Scientology.


Scientoligeist - The Spine-chilling Curse of Xenu/Scientoligeist Scenes 5 to 6

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