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Robin Hood Reforms

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Robin Hood's Merry Men annoyed him to no end. In addition to being petty and whiney, most of the lot could stand to have a decent scrub- if nothing else the least any of them could do would be to venture out into an open meadow the next time it rained. They had some thing against bathing, a fear perhaps. How else could a group of grown men spend the majority of their lives reeking of barnyard smells and other noxious nasal assaults. But the complaining, that was perhaps the worst. Just yesterday Bob had came to him with the most ridiculous complaint that ever he shot another of the Merry Men in the ass with his bow and arrow, he'd become an outcast.

Robin fed the fellow the silent treatment and wandered off as the man broke into tears. Robin heard him mutter something about running off to kill himself.

Robin walked along, enjoying the many birds dying between the trees. Actually, most of the birds were dying between the trees, but one blue jay hit a tree before falling to the ground. He didn't care for the bird, but the thump that the bird made when it hit the tree disturbed his planning. Behind him, he heard another thump. He turned and saw that another bird had run into a tree. And then another thump reached Robin's ears. And another. And yet another. The thumps grew more frequent, until all of the birds finally died. More animals joined the frenzy. Mostly, Robin knew they were there because he could smell them or because they ran into him (as some of the birds were now doing). The animals seemed mainly rabbits and antelope. Robin Hood forgot his schemes and wildly tried to think what could cause all these animals to behave like this. They must be running from something. But what? Then Robin detected a new smell among the others. Now he knew. There was only one being in the world who could make the animals flee so, who could smell so hideous... the Sheriff of Nottingham!

Robin Hood'shalf-hearted attempt at an escape only served to further annoy the Sheriff, who bellowed, "I finally have you all alone, free of your queer compatriats!"


"Sheriff," sighed Robin Hood. "I'z wonderin' where you been. How's yo wizife? Last time we talk, she all yammerin' on 'bout dat South Beach shiznit. She crack me up! Dat fat bitch ain't never gonna lose weight. Wut's it like havin' to bang a hippo every night?"

"My bovine spouse is none of your concern. You shant divert the subject with your nonsensical prattle of ebonical vernacular," said the Sheriff, "Now come along. You're under arrest." The Sheriff took out a small piece of paper and squinted at it.

"Hold up! Maybe I got sumthin' ya might want. How 'bout I get you some bling bling, and you forget all 'bout dis stuph."

"Are you attempting to bribe me? I'll just have to add that to the ever mounting list of charges..." The Sheriff smiled.

"Dat's whack! I steal from da rich, holmes!"

"Ha! Economic egalitarianism is a foolish ideal! Without political reforms, do you honestly believe any lasting freedom will remain for the proliteriat?"

Robin Hood stared at the Sheriff, dumbfounded by his anachronistic jargon.

The Sheriff then sighed and explained, "What makes you think I can't just steal it all back from your 'homies'?"

Robin Hood grinned. "Man! Dis is boolshit! I'z Robin o' da Hood! Ya'll can't mess wif me, bitch!"

Robin then signaled several associates hidden nearby. The men then rode by on horseback, firing arrows as they passed. The Sheriff quickly fell to the ground in a pool of his own blood.

Robin continued to rob from the rich and give to the poor. The poor simply bought a great deal of designer jewelry, malt liquor, and fried chicken, thus essentially giving the rich their money right back to them. Frustrated, Robin moved to the hills and changed his name to William 'T-Bone' Wallace. The 'T-Bone' moniker never caught on, and the rest is history (kinda).

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