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A parody of the film The Polar Express, starring Tom Hanks (in this version, Ham Shanks). Contributions Welcome!

Darkness.

Fade to title.

Fade to scene of dark, night winter sky. Snow is falling.

Narrator (Ham Shanks): One Christmas Eve many years ago, I was lying in bed. I did not rustle the sheets or belch loudly or pass..well, never mind that. Anyway, I was lying in bed, listening for a sound I was afraid I'd never hear...the ringing bells of Santa's sleigh.

Bells jingle in distance. Hero Boy jumps out of bed, runs to the window. Hero Boy touches heater.

Hero Boy: AARRRGG!! OOW! OOUCH! OOOOUUCCH! DARN!

HB clears window with fingers, looks out. Then he runs to his shelf and picks out a bunch of magazines.

Hero Boy: Let's see...whoops! Who's been reading this junk? [finds a bunch of Star Trek fan magazines] I think Dad needs to get rid of these. [he runs over to his other shelf and picks out the "N" volume of the encyclopedia] Lessee..."North Pole". Aha! [he reads over it] "The North Pole was once the home of Santa Claus...but then he went crazy, having realized that he was gettin' a raw deal. Now you can't hardly walk 'round it without stepping in reindeer guts."

Runs over to the door, out into the hall, and down the stairs. He looks under the Christmas tree; empty. He looks at the pizza and glass of beer left out for Santa; still there. Suddenly, he sees a Santa-like shadow approaching. However, it turns out just to be his dad and sister Sarah.

HB: Crud.

He runs back upstairs with his parents behind. He goes back into his room, shuts the door and peaks out to see his parents tucking his sister in.

Sarah: But dad, he said that Santa would have to travel at light speed in order to get around the world in one night! And...he said that his sleigh would have to be as big as an ocean liner! And that he would have to have hyperdrive on his sleigh! And that hyperdrive wouldn't work anyway 'cause he would just crash into the sun! And the energy released from the collision would cause the sun to go explode, blowing up the whole solar system! And...well, actually, that would be pretty cool.

Dad: Aww, he was just kiddin' you! Santa'll come, you'll see. Now go to sleep!

Mom: Yup, Santa ain't gonna come 'till you're asleep!

Sarah: How does he know when I'm asleep?

Mom: He's got monitors all over the house. If he sees you awake, he's gonna take your presents and give 'em to his dogs and fill your stocking with reindeer poo instead.

Hero Boy runs back into bed and slips under the covers. His parents come in.

Mom: I remember when he was a little tot, and he'd stay up all night waiting for Santa!

Dad: *Sigh...when you get this old, there comes an end to the magic. Then you realize that Santa would indeed run into the sun if he tried hyperdriving around the world.

Mom: Yeah, whatever.

Dad: Well, he's asleep! An express train wouldn't wake him up now. Not even a Baldwin 284 Class 17 steam locomotive on its way to the North Pole!

Hero Boy looks around, and then puts his head back. Suddenly, he hears a clattering. He looks over to see a plate leaning against the heater rattling against it. He looks up to see a model airplane shaking violently.

Hero Boy: Crap! The aliens must be landing. Lucky I've played enough Halo to know how to whoop their a**es.

Suddenly his window lights up, and there's a crash outside. Hero Boy gets up and looks out the window to see a huge flying saucer landed outside.

Hero Boy: What the....

Two green aliens, one big and one small, emerge.

Big A: Now let's see...is this the house whose inhabitants we're supposed to abduct?

Small A: Well, uh, lessee the instructions.

Big A: Just a minute! I'll have a look...hmmm...WHAT!! This says "Madagascar"! We're nowhere NEAR Madagascar! This is Grand Rapids, Michigan! Why you...

Small A: Now wait a minute...I can explain...HELP!

Big A grabs him by the throat and hurls him back into Flying Saucer. Flying Saucer whirls around and takes off again.

Hero Boy: Weird. They're getting dumber all the time.

He gets back in bed. Suddenly plate and plane begin to rattle again, and items begin to fall off the shelf.

Hero Boy: Hey! Those are my bags full of crack! They're goin' all over the place! OH NO!

Heater whistles like a steam engine.

Hero Boy: What??

Window lights up again and this time the rattle of a train is heard.

Hero Boy: Since when do train tracks go past my house? They must've put them down without our permission. ALL RIGHT, SOMEONE'S GONNA GET SUED!

He grabs his bathrobe; it rips in half.

Hero Boy: Dang it!

Hero Boy grabs his plaid bathrobe and hurries out.

Hero Boy: I can't believe Dad gave me this. It must be the ugliest one around! Of course, that's why he wanted to get rid of it...

He runs out the door onto the snow, and sees a large cloud of steam sitting in front of the house. He runs forward and slides on the ice and falls on his head.

Hero Boy: OW!

He gets back up and looks at the cloud.

Hero Boy: Oh, let me guess. I suppose I'll be transported to the North Pole on a cloud of steam, huh? This must be one of the newer models; I've never seen it in any of my books!

He walks to the front as steam begins to clear, revealing a large, black steam locomotive.

Hero Boy: Oh.

Suddenly, lantern appears from the back of the train.

Conductor: ALL ABOOOAARRD!

Hero Boy turns around and starts walking in that direction. He walks up to the conductor.

Conductor: Well? You comin'?

Hero Boy: Where?

Conductor: To Honolulu! First Class! Didn't you know we do this every Christmas Eve?

Hero Boy: REALLY?? I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO THERE!!

Conductor: Well, c'mon board then for pete's sake! Stop standin' around looking...[waves lantern around wildly]

Train suddenly starts up. Conductor and Hero Boy look toward it.

Conductor: HEY! Where in tarnation are you goin'? STOP! STOP!!

Train roars out from view. The two stand there, looking in shock and disbelief.

Conductor: I'm gonna...

Suddenly cars come back into view as train backs up.

Conductor: I gotta watch what I do with my lantern. So anyway, you comin'?

Hero Boy backs up, shaking his head.

Hero Boy: Actually, although I'd love to visit Hawaii and see all those beautiful babes they've got there, I've got motion sickness.

Conductor: Oh well, suit yourself! [waves lantern]

Train starts up again. Hero Boy watches as the cars pass him again, then suddenly runs forward and grabs onto the railing of one and pulls himself aboard. He looks at the houses as they pass. Suddenly his snowman starts waving. Then, it puts its arms to its throat and starts choking as the smoke envelopes it. Conductor clears throat behind him.

Conductor: I thought you had motion sickness!

Hero Boy: Yeah, but the thought of all those hot babes and those white sandy beaches has a way of making me feel better.

Conductor: Just don't throw up all over our seats. [Ushers him into car] Oh, and by the way this train is NOT going to Hawaii after all! It's actually taking you on a wild ride to the frozen cold NORTH! HAHA!

Hero Boy: WHAT!! Why you ***** liar! I'll tell the authorities about you!

Conductor: Watch your language boy, or you get to shovel coal.

Hero Boy, under his breath: *******

Hero Boy enters car, finds a bunch of kids belching, guffawing and hitting each other with seat cushions, kicking and pulling each other's hair.

Conductor: HEY! What did I tell you! If you're going to do that, do it OUTSIDE the car! Thank you!

Hero Boy walks to a seat, sits down. Hero Girl is sitting across the aisle from him. He looks across at her, sees her looking at him. He pulls a disgusted face and looks away, then starts drooling.

Hero Boy: I think she likes me!

Looks her way again, she pulls a disgusted face and looks away and starts drooling.

Hero Girl: I'll bet he likes me! Ah, romance!

Suddenly, Know-It-All, a geeky kid with spiky blond hair and cokebottle glasses pokes his head over the front of Hero Boy's seat. He speaks in a high, squeaky Rick Moranis-like voice.

Know-It-All: Hey you! Yeah, you! Do you know what kinda train this is?

Hero Boy: Huh?

Know-It-All: Train, you spineless invertebrate! TRAIN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF TRAIN THIS IS! C'mon, ****it, you gotta know!

Hero Boy: It's the Birthday Train! We're going to deliver toys to all the little boys and girls on the other side of the mountain!

Know-It-All: What??

Hero Boy: Oh never mind. I dunno, what kinda train is it? A Baldwin 284 Class 17 steam locomotive, built in...

Hero Girl: Why you silly, it's a magic train! We're goin' to the North Pole!

Know-It-All: Aww, I know it's a magic train! Sure! Everybody knows that! Actually it's a Baldwin...hey, you knew! Good for you! But you missed a bunch. It's a Baldwin 284 Class 17 Steam Locomotive built in 1854 in the London...[he rattles off for several minutes]

Hero Boy looks toward Hero Girl, she shakes her head.

Hero Boy: Are we really going to the North Pole?

Hero Girl: Mm-hmm! Isn't it exciting??

Hero Boy: But if that's the case we'll have to go up through Canada, over all those bays and lakes! There're no tracks there! And then we'll have to cross the Arctic Ocean, the Arctic Circle and for that we'd need a bridge! And then...

Hero Girl: Hey! What'd I tell you? It's a magic train. It can go wherever it wants!

Hero Boy: But there's no such thing as...

Know-It-All: Hey look everybody! Herpolsheimer's! Herpolsheimer's!

All the kids crowd to the windows, pushing and shoving and kicking. In the window of Herpolsheimer's they see a mechanical Santa taking toys out of his bag and putting them under a tree. Suddenly, as he is bending down his pants rip. All the kids burst out laughing.

Conductor: HEY! You're not gonna get any toys if you laugh at Santa! Besides, those are nice boxer shorts. I wish I had a pair like that.

Kids: Sorry.

Conductor: Oh yes, tickets please! [walks up to Hero Boy's seat] Ticket please.

Hero Boy: What! You mean you give us the illusion of a free ride, without having to purchase the stupid things for twenty-thousand dollars online, and now you all of a sudden come up and...

Conductor: Try your pocket!

Hero Boy: Oh. Sorry! [He reaches into his pocket] Oh would you look at that! I have a hole in my pocket!

Conductor: Well try your other pocket for pete's sake!

Hero Boy reaches into his other pocket, finds a big golden ticket inside.

Hero Boy: A golden ticket! I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET! [Starts singing] I've got a golden ticket! I've got a golden pass to make my...

Conductor: JUST GIVE ME THE BLASTED THING!

Hero Boy: Oh. Sorry! [Hands the ticket over]

Conductor: Thank you. [Punches hole in it, then starts rapidly punching a bunch of holes in it]

Hero Boy: HEY! What're you doing?

Conductor: Here you go. [Walks further on] Uh-uh-uh! That is a public address microphone, not a belch amplifier! Take your seats!

Letters G and F have been punched into Hero Boy's ticket.

Hero Boy: Wha...?

Know-It-All walks up.

Know-It-All: Boy that guy sure likes to show off with his ticket punch! G-T! What'n tarnation does that mean!!

Conductor [over loudspeaker]: Next stop, 13144 Elm Street, 13144 Elm Street. [Kids gasp in shock] What?? I just said...

Suddenly Freddy Krueger jumps on board. Kids scream in horror and run for the door.

Fred Krueger: Oops, I think I got the wrong film. This's no nightmare...although it will be later on! HAHA! So long kids!

Krueger leaves. Conductor steps out of train to meet a young boy.

Know-It-All: Why'd he stop at this place for?? Didn't he know that menace lived here? Oh well, it's just another pickup. I thought you were supposed to be the last one!

Conductor [from distance]: Why to Hawaii of course! This is the Paradise Express!

Boy [named Billy] eagerly jumps on board. Conductor waves his lantern, train starts up.

Conductor: Oh by the way, I was just fooling! This is really the garbage train! You've just gotten a free ride to the dump! HAHA!

Billy: WHAT!!

Conductor: Just kiddin'! We're actually going to the North Pole! It's the Polar Express!

Billy: Well I never! Lemme off the train! It's cold and miserable enough HERE in MICHIGAN, DOGGONE IT!

Conductor: Sorry, we really needed you on board and knew you wouldn't come if you knew at first.

Billy: Well, in that case, I think I'll go sit all by myself in the back car! HMPH! [Stomps off to the back]

Conductor: Suit yourself! Now everybody, take your seats, please! [Train jolts, throwing him forward; he picks himself back up as all the kids burst out laughing] Any more of that, and you'll be thrown off the train! [Takes microphone] Attention, Polar Express Passengers! Is there anyone in need of refreshment?

Kids all jump up and down excitedly and start making fart noises.

Conductor [rolling his eyes]: I thought so. [Yanks open the door, door comes off] WHY THAT...Oh never mind.

Waiters skip out of the next car, tap-dancing. Hard rock starts playing.

Waiters [singing]: Hot, hot...

Conductor: Ooh, we got it!

Waiters: Hot, hot...

Conductor: Yeah, we got it!

Waiters [spreading tablecloths on invisible tables and spinning seats around]: Hot hot...

Conductor: Say, we got it!

Waiters: Hot chocolate!

Cooks come out of car, throwing plates around. Plates crash all around the car, smashing through windows and leaving a mess on the floor.

Conductor: Oohhh...Here we only got one rule!

Waiters: Here we only got one rule...

Conductor: Never, never, never drool!

Waiters: Never dump it in the pool!

Conductor: 'Keep it sizzlin' in the pot...soon you got...HOT CHOCOLATE!

Cooks come out of car, on a drink cart carrying a large pot. The pot squirts hot chocolate into the air, hot chocolate lands all over everything and on kids' nightgowns and on the conductor's suit. The drink cart falls over, pot crashes open and cocoa spills out all over the place.

Conductor: Why you clumsy...this suit is DRY-CLEAN ONLY! YOU'RE ALL FIRED!

Cooks all rush out, as kids are lapping up the remaining hot chocolate off the floor.

Conductor: Bumbling ****ing buffoons.

Kids finish "cleaning up" the mess, then all start sighing and lying on the floor.

Know-It-All: Yaknow, Montezuma, the King of the Aztecs would drink 50 quarts of hot chocolate every day!

Other kid: Wow, that sure would take a lot of water to flush the toilet that many times!

Know-It-All: Aww, hush. Anyway, it was thick as mud and red, 'cause he'd put chili peppers in it instead of sugar! Get it? "Hot chocolate"?

Other kid: I bet he burned his mouth right out.

Hero Girl takes a cup of hot chocolate out from under her seat.

Hero Boy: Hey! What're you doing?

Hero Girl: I managed to catch one of those big drops. It's for him. [Points to Billy in the back car]

Hero Boy: You can't go back there by yourself!

Know-It-All: Yeah, it's a violation of railroad safety regulations to cross moving cars without chipmunk supervision!

Hero Girl: What?? Look, I think I'll be okay!

Hero Boy: Are you sure? You might get sucked underneath the wheels! Then you'll get squashed, chopped up and soufled! Your guts will be spread all over the tracks! Your parents will never know what happened to you! Or something like that.

Conductor [standing behind]: Stop watching all the B-crap on TV, young man. Now, [turns to Hero Girl] what about this young lad? Did he get any refreshment?

Hero Girl: No, he wasn't here when...you know.

Conductor: Thank goodness...well let's take some to him by all means!

Opens door, ushers girl out onto platform. Hero Boy looks over and sees her ticket on her seat.

Hero Boy: Hey, she left her ticket!

He grabs it and runs to the door.

Know-It-All: HEY! What are you doing??

Suddenly, a gust of wind blows the ticket out of his hand.

Hero Boy: HEY! Come back here with that!! Come back you hear me! I'LL HAVE THE LAW ON YOU FOR TICKET-SWIPING!

Ticket flies up into the air, lands in a wood. We hear the distant sound of howling wolves. Suddenly, the train thunders by. A pack of wolves darts past, knocking the ticket out of its place. It flies along as the pack darts over a cliff and into the river below with a splash. The ticket flies up into mid-air where an eagle grabs it in its beak and flies down a waterfall, getting soaked in the process. It takes it back to its nest, and feeds it to its little baby. The baby starts eating, then chokes and starts turning green. It starts hacking and finally hacks the ticket up. The mucous-covered ticket flies out, and into a snowbank where it turns into a big snowball. The ball rolls downhill, hits a rock and smashes into a million pieces as the ticket lands on the railroad tracks in front of a tunnel, just as the train thunders out and hits it. The ticket flies along underneath the train, hitting the face of a sleeping hobo.

Hobo: *****!! Stupid flying tickets. Wake me up from the nicest dream I ever had.

It then flies up and back into the car as the conductor and hero girl return, closing the door. It sticks to the heater.

Narrator: I'm not sure if you got that, but I'm sure you understand that the tracks had to magically appear where they couldn't plausibly have been in order for the ticket to get back to the train. We just have to do these things for these kinda films. I know it's not realistic to you scientific types, but if you don't like it then go to...go stick your head in the toilet. Anyway, back to the story...

Conductor and Hero Girl enter car again.

Conductor: Hold on a second...young lady, forgive me, I think I forgot something!

Hero Girl: What?

Conductor: Lemme think...I know it was SOMETHING...doggone it, what was it? Think..think...think...please, I know it's in here somewhere! OH PLEASE, REMEMBER REMEMBER REMEMBER!!! C'MON KIDS, help me think! What was it I forgot to do??

Fat boy: I know! You forgot your deodorant.

Conductor sniffs armpit, turns green.

Conductor: Yes, I have! Thank you young man! [Sprays armpit with Old Spice] But I know there was something else too!

Know-it-All: I know! Your fly's down! You forgot to zip it back up.

Conductor: Oh ****...

Conductor turns around and zips up fly.

Conductor: But I know there was something else! What the ***** was it!!

Hero Girl: I know! You forgot to punch my ticket.

Conductor: Oh yes, that was it! Thank you! Not I won't suffer from insomnia for the next fifty years wondering what it was! Oh yes..ticket please.

Hero Girl reaches inside pocket for ticket, but her ticket is gone.

Hero Girl: Well, you know, I think my dog ate it right before I left.

Conductor: In other words...you don't have a ticket?

Hero Girl: Yup, that's the way it looks.

Conductor: You LOST it?

Hero Boy: No, I lost it! I was trying to return it to you but the wind blew it out of my hand. It's probably in the stomach of some baby eagle right now.

Conductor: Why, you stupid bumbling moron! Young lady [turns to Hero Girl], you'll just have to come along with me!

Hero Boy watches in horror as Conductor ushers Hero Girl out of car.

Know-It-All: You know what's gonna happen now, right?

Hero Boy: No, what?

Know-It-All: They're gonna throw her in the Iron Maiden torture device for five hours, while pumping in Madonna music and force-feeding her nothing but Brussels sprouts! It's standard procedure.

Hero Boy turns green and throws up all over the place.

Hero Boy: That's sick! They can't do that!! That's so...hey, wait a minute!

Hero Boy looks up and sees Hero Girl's ticket stuck in the heat register. He jumps up on the seat and pulls it out.

Hero Boy: IT'S HER TICKET! YAHOO! She won't have to be tortured after all!

Know-It-All: What're you gonna do, go out there by yourself? You can't do that! You'll get sucked down between the cars and get chopped up into a zillion bloody pieces!

Hero Boy: Oh shut up.

Hero Boy opens door, walks out on platform of car. He bursts into the next car where Billy is sitting. He runs down the aisle and out onto the platform of the Observation Car.

Hero Boy: Oh no! They must've thrown her in already!

He runs back into Observation Car.

Hero Boy: What'd he do with the girl?

Billy motions with his head out the window, where they see a shadow of the Conductor, two ferocious, slobbering mutant velociraptors on leashes, and Hero Girl.

Hero Boy: OH NO! I gotta get to them in a hurry!

Hero Boy runs out, climbs up to the top of the car and runs through the blinding snow toward the light of the Conductor's lantern in the distance.

Hero Boy: STOP! STOP! I'VE GOT THE TICKET! I'VE GOT THE ******* TICKET! PLEASE DON'T FEED HER TO YOUR VELOCIRAPTORS!

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