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Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Parody, fit the SecondEdit

VIII: Reference-O-VisionEdit

The PRISONS. JOHNNY is pressed against the bars, facing towards camera and holding a bone. A DOG sits in the foreground, looking disinterested and generally MANGY. KEYS dangle from his mouth.

JOHNNY

Come on, come and get it, come on. Here we go, look what I've got, come on...bit closer, bit closer...

The DOG, bored, ambles off. JOHNNY continues to face the camera, waving the bone about.

JOHNNY (cont.)

Come on. Look at old Johnny. Look, a nice, juicy reference for you. Yes it is, yes, a big ol' reference. Look how clever we are! Come and get it, come on, you common, slavering hordes!

There is a NOISE. JOHNNY drops to the floor as ORLANDO enters.

ORLANDO

You! Depp!

JOHNNY

Ay?

ORLANDO

I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like...no, hold on, I want to become a wizard and defeat He-Who-Must...wait, no, I think it's something or other about dyslexic dragons...[1]

JOHNNY

Are you, by any chance, as the plucky-yet-terribly-naive hero, looking to team up with me, being the elder (though not by much, thank you) and considerably wiser man without whom you would be paddle-less up a particuarly dung-infested creek? Ay?

ORLANDO

Wherever did you get that idea from?

JOHNNY

Oh, must have read it somewhere. Once.[2]

ORLANDO

Well, yes. I do, resentfully, need your help. Miss Knightley's been kidnapped by the pirates.

JOHNNY

Oh, so it is that you've found the only girl in the world who isn't a pirate yet! Good for you, but as to your offer, I'm afraid I'm disincarnate to aqueduct to your regress...or whatever. Damn that Rush and his sophistamacated diallage!

ORLANDO

...What? You're trying to say you won't help?

JOHNNY

Yup. In case you've missed the dreads, the hat and the eyeliner, I'm a pirate, capeesh? I see no profit in it for me.

ORLANDO

I can get you out of here.

JOHNNY

How's that? We're only allowed one Prison Dog reference per movie.

ORLANDO

I'm a blacksmith! I can use my unique powers to help you escape! Observe:

He strikes a pose, and pulls out a book (The BLACKSMITHONOMICON) from a pocket, and begins to recite an incantation:

ORLANDO

Blacksmithius et legendiumus avec moi[3]
Doorus expelliarmus instantaneous[4]
Open sesame and alakazam,[5]
Klaatu barada nikto![6]

The doors EXPLODE in an EXPLOSION of MAGICAL EXPLOSIVENESS.

JOHNNY

Wow. Who'd've thought a blacksmith would be this useful? And that display of blacksmithery randomly leads me to believe you're the son of an old pirate friend of mine, who, as I said, was a pirate, and not a blacksmith. But still, I'm totally convinced you're related on that basis.

ORLANDO

Great. I'm low on mana. We'd better get out of here.

JOHNNY

Not without my effects! Gotta top up on the old eyeliner.

ORLANDO

How is that essential out on the open water?

JOHNNY

All part of the character, mate.

ORLANDO

[sigh] Where's a Gandalf when you need one?[7]

CUT TO: The DOCKS, where JOHNNY is about to stage a SWASHBUCKLING ACTION SEQUENCE!

JOHNNY

Okay, so we're going to take over Big-Ass Ship over there, thusly distracting the entire Royal Navy long enough for us to piss off into the sunset with the Interceptor, in a sequence so swashbucklingly brilliant it's going to be used twice before this trilogy's out!

ORLANDO

Whatever you say. I'm just here for the booty, remember.[8]

JOHNNY

Gotcha.

The SWASHBUCKLING PLAN commences. JOHNNY and ORLANDO climb aboard the BIG-ASS SHIP with pistols drawn. GILLETTE is on board.

JOHNNY

Gentlemen, we are taking over this ship!

ORLANDO

Aye, [generic pirate slang]!

The CREW fall about laughing.

GILLETTE

You morons! This ship can't be crewed by two men. You'll never make it out of the bay!

JOHNNY aims his pistol between GILLETTE's eyes.

JOHNNY

Kiddo, I'm Captain Johnny Depp. Capeesh?

GILLETTE

Lawks! My buckle has been well and truly swashed!

We find DAVENPORT at the dock with LIEUTENANT ELLIS.

DAVENPORT

Tum-te-tum, what a pleasant stoll I'm having on the dock. I'm sure absolutely nothing can go wrong--

There is much ADO from a longboat off the harbor. GILLETTE appears to be shouting something. DAVENPORT peers through a magical SPYGLASS that allows him to hear the distant man.[9]

GILLETTE

Sir! Depp and Bloom! They've taken the Big-Ass Ship! We've been both swashed and buckled, sir!

DAVENPORT

Bloom, your blacksmithery is trying my patience!

DAVENPORT and his men quickly board the BIG-ASS SHIP just as JOHNNY and ORLANDO leg it over to the INTERCEPTOR. They cut the ropes tying the ships together, and sail away. JOHNNY calls back as DAVENPORT notices their departure.

JOHNNY

Cheers, mate! Glad we can count on you bumbling Brits to fumble everything!

DAVENPORT

Wipe that American grin off his face! Get them in range of the long nines!

ELLIS

...The what-nows, sir?

DAVENPORT

[sigh] The cannons! Get them in range of the cannons!

ELLIS

Oh, right-ho. Russel Crowe, get after the Interceptor.

RUSSEL CROWE is apparently standing at the helm.[10]

RUSSEL CROWE

'E's disabled the big wheely thing, sir!

GILLETTE

Well, it was lucky those swashbuckling pirates allowed us to escape in a longboat. Heavens, it was certainly a close shave for Gillette![11]

*Rimshot* Perhaps fortunately for the comedy world, the BIG-ASS SHIP, unable to steer, smashes the longboat to pieces. On board...

ELLIS

I'm in love with Johnny Depp.

DAVENPORT

So, it would seem, is everyone around here.

This is TRUE.

IX: Daddy IssuesEdit

The INTERCEPTOR is sailing on the HIGH SEAS, our piratical heroes onboard, performing arbitrary, nautical-based actions. ORLANDO is looking puzzled, as evidenced by a slight furrow in his brow.

JOHNNY

Hoist that petard! Splice that tallywacker! Haul the threepwood![12]

ORLANDO

I think that'll do for random nautical terms for this scene. Let's get the backstory out of the way: I have reason to believe you knew my father.

JOHNNY

Maybe I did.

ORLANDO

Well, in that case--

JOHNNY

But maybe I didn't.

ORLANDO

Did you or not?

JOHNNY

I didn't not ever not know him, probably.

ORLANDO

Look, can we quit skirting pointlessly around the issue? You mentioned my father while I was performing Blacksmithery (Level 5) back in the prison, and you seem to recognise my face.

JOHNNY

Doesn't mean a thing. You two look nothing alike. I mean, seriously -- nothing alike. It's as if, say this were a film, the makers had hired an actor to portray your father in the financially-successful but critically-pooped-on sequel, but hadn't actually bothered to cast anyone who looked anything like you. Or spoke like you. Or was of the same nationality. Or bore any resemblence to you whatsoever.[13]

ORLANDO

...Right.

JOHNNY

Just saying. It's only your ability to lift doors off their hinges that convinced me you're the son of Orlando Bloom -- that's his real name, though most people just called him STELLAN or STARSGARD, with a funny little circle above the "a" that I could never manage to write properly...

ORLANDO

Aha, so you did know him!

JOHNNY

Yup. Good man. Good pirate. I swear, you look nothing like him, though.

ORLANDO

Hold up...pirate? My father wasn't a pirate. He was a navigator on a spice freighter.

JOHNNY

That's what your master told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals, thought he should have stayed here and not gotten -- hold on, I have no idea what I'm on about here.[14]

ORLANDO

Dunno. Something about accusing my father of being an immoral, scum-of-the-earth type!

JOHNNY

No-o, I said he was a pirate. See, in this film, the bad guys are the good guys, while the guys who are technically the good guys because they're fighting the people who are technically bad guys -- though are, as I said, the good guys -- are even badder guys than the guys who are bad and/or good. Oh, and there's a comedy monkey, too.

ORLANDO

Right. So he was a good man, then.

JOHNNY

Yep. All pirates are, deep down. Apparently. But it looks like you're going to need some time to come to terms with this -- say, about another hour and a quarter?[15] So in the meantime, I'm going to chuck you onto this boom and swing you out over the ocean for the remainder of the voyage.

JOHNNY does indeed send the BOOM crashing into ORLANDO, who grabs it to stop himself being sent overboard. He clings on desperately while JOHNNY steers the ship.

JOHNNY

See, I'm your begrudging mentor, so this is technically a hard-earned life lesson.

ORLANDO

What's this supposed to teach me?

JOHNNY

That I'm actually a double-crossing git who thinks nothing of literally and metaphorically dangling you over the ocean.

ORLANDO

But...you're a cuddly, loveable pirate. You said -- pirates are the good guys...

JOHNNY

I'm not till the end of the film, mate. Hang in there.

ORLANDO

I have a bad feeling about this...[16]

The INTERCEPTOR sails on, towards...

X: Turtle Island!Edit

An ISLAND in the Caribbean, sadly not in the shape of a TURTLE. JOHNNY and ORLANDO are wandering through the ramshackle streets, avoiding assorted brawls, drunks, brawling drunks and PROZZIES.

JOHNNY

Turtle Island, mate! A unique, proliferous bouquet that just so happens to be a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy.[17] Look, there's a guy being dunked in a well. And a ho! Hi, ho![18]

RED-HAIRED HO

[approaching] Gasp! Where did you get that darling makeup?

BLONDE-HAIRED HO

[also approaching] Lawks! You must let me try that eyeliner, it's simply divine!

JOHNNY

Er...time to go.

Our heroes hurry away from a steadily-growing group of blusher-obsessed LADIES OF NEGOTIABLE AFFECTION.[19]

JOHNNY

Not sure I deserved that. I mean, it's all part of the character, you know?

ORLANDO

Sure it is.

They arrive outside a PIGSTY. A MAN is asleep inside.

ORLANDO

We came all this way for some pigs?

JOHNNY

It's not the pigs, mate.

ORLANDO

What, old Sideburns McGee got a ship hidden in his muttonchops, has he?

MCNALLY

[waking]
Ahoy now, there be no need for digs at the facial gubbins, boy!

MCNALLY spots JOHNNY standing next to ORLANDO. He does a hairy double-take.

MCNALLY

Great Scott! Johnny! Ye know it's bad luck to be dissing another man's muttonchops!

JOHNNY

Aha, fortunately for me then that I know how to counter it. The men who did the dissing buy the man who sports the dubious muttonchops a drink. Said muttonchop-laden man drinks the drink while listening to a proposition from the men who did the dissing. Capeesh?

MCNALLY

[thinking]
...Aye, a drink'll about do it!

ORLANDO

Might I interest you in a sword to trim the scraggly bits?

JOHNNY

Better make that two...

The little band arrives at THE FAITHFUL BRIDE tavern, formerly known as THE MOS EISLEY CANTINA.[20] JOHNNY buys MCNALLY a drink.

JOHNNY

Right. I'm going after the BLACK PEARL.

MCNALLY

That's crazy-insane. I'm in!

ORLANDO

That was quick for a man who is scared of fog.

JOHNNY

Well, the whole "recruiting a pirate in a rowdy cantina"'s a little overplayed, ay? Let's just cut to...

XI: Dancing Cartoon SkeletonsEdit

The BLACK PEARL drifts through the foggy night. KEIRA is still onboard. The COMEDY PIRATES enter, carrying a DRESS.

ARENBERG

Want to get naked?

CROOK

Hur. Hur. Hur.

KEIRA

Hello, what?

ARENBERG

It's like this: we've already had the rough-and-tumble bar brawl, which has satisfied our core audience for at least half a minute, but, they're going to have to endure what is for all intents and purposes a Disney musical number with dancing skeletons. So, we've got to throw in a bit of nudge-nudge-wink-wink-say-no-more to keep the teens on our side until Johnny gets back.

KEIRA

A likely story! I'm not getting…what you said. Indecent.

ARENBERG

Oh, piss. Still, the audience has already imagined it, so no harm done. In that case, you've got to wear this here dress and dine with Captain Rush.

KEIRA

Well you may tell the captain he can fork right off. Or, that I'm disenfranchised to acclimatize to his unrest. Whatever.

ARENBERG

He said you'd say that. Also, he wants to know if you've seen Raiders of the Lost Ark.[21]

KEIRA

Raiders of the what-now?

ARENBERG

Wow, it really is a coincidence. And here I just thought it was insipid unoriginality.

KEIRA

I'm quite lost.

ARENBERG

Just go dine with the bad guy in your lovely new dress. It'll all fall into place like a knife through a heart.

KEIRA

Oh. Right-o.

She DOES SO. Food has been laid out in RUSH's cabin.

RUSH

Arr, I be glad ye're here! See, I be needin' to foist off a lengthy wad of exposition onto another cast member, so I won't be havin' to deal with it for the rest o' the film, an' can be gettin' down to rememberin' my various piratical catch-phrases.

KEIRA

Woah there, I thought I was here to be poisoned by this massively out-of-place feast, not sign up for Exposition 101!

RUSH

Well, tough buns. See, we pirates be cursed by a terrible curse that has cursed us an' made us curse like cursed pirates. Curses upon it!

KEIRA

Right, so that's "the curse of the Black Pearl", then? I think I've got it--

RUSH

T'were ten year ago, when we first found the treasure of Neo Cortex,[22] which, bein' cut-throat pirates, we did naturally steal and fritter away on food and drink and pleasurable company.

KEIRA

Okay, though perhaps simply hoarding it would be more in line with pirates, but there you go...

RUSH

But the more we frittered away, the more we came to realize--

KEIRA

Let me guess: none of the luxuries you brought with the blood money satisfied, because you'd been cursed, which also dovetails nicely into a fairly decent moral warning about how money won't bring you happiness and similar.

RUSH

--that we had become cursed men, Miss Bloom.

KEIRA

Yes, I think I get the picture--

RUSH

The food turned to ash in our mouths, the drink would not satisfy, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust...

KEIRA

Right-o, exposition time over...

RUSH

So ye best start believin' in ghost stories, Miss Bloom!

KEIRA

Oh, for heaven's sake!

She grabs a KNIFE and stabs RUSH in the heart.

RUSH

Oh, now come on, my acting's not that bad...

This one is for the lawyersEdit

  1. The first two are obvious. A brownie point for anyone who gets the third.
  2. Look what you've wrought, Joseph Campbell! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE WROUGHT!
  3. Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys!
  4. Potter!
  5. He was a Pokémon, wasn't he? I feel ashamed.
  6. Gort!
  7. Fighting a Balrog in a crappily-bluescreened fight sequence that essentially squats a dookie over his iconic death. But I digress...
  8. That was a pun, or pune! Again, the wit is unstoppable!
  9. This actually happens
  10. He really is. Probably got confused while filming Master and Commander. Bless him.
  11. See ref # whatever-it-was. The first Gillette joke.
  12. Billy Shakespeare and a Monkey Island ref in the same line? Yes sir!
  13. Word.
  14. Hah. See, because the whole monomyth this story is based on was already used in Star Wars, so... there's that connection... I was commenting upon. Did that need explaining?
  15. Till the end of the film, natch.
  16. Yep, "Flannelshirt" Lucas again.
  17. I.e., each successive Disneyland
  18. See ref #1
  19. Thanks to Mr. T. Pratchett from Ankh-Morpork for that descriptive.
  20. You will never find a more wretched hive... almost had Johnny say it earlier on.
  21. You know which scene I mean. It's the same! See also: running away from spear-brandishing natives through a jungle.
  22. "Darn you, Crash Bandicoot! Ha-ha-ha!"

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