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Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the ParodyEdit

I: The Umbrella of DestinyEdit

We open on a ship, the BIG-ASS SHIP, sailing through foggy waters. A GIRL can be seen at the rail, looking out over the prow. She is singing an old pirate shanty.

GIRL

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s another Disney film,[1]
They pillage and plunder and rifle and loot,
Buy t-shirts at the foy-er.
It’s pirates and swords and guns and ships,
Buy up me hearties, Hi Ho!
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, this one’s got Johnny Depp in,
He’s loved by your mommies and grans,
So drink up me hearties—

Suddenly, a HAND clutches her shoulder. She gasps and turns to find MR. MCNALLY squinting down at her.

MCNALLY

Quiet, Missy! Ye don’t want t’ be overdoin’ it with Disney references now, do ye? We’ve got a whole film to fill, so we ‘ave!

GIRL

Why are you talking like a pirate? Aren’t you supposed to be a sailor here? Surely you’d at least try to make it look like you’re not going to end up a pirate in the second act?[2]

MCNALLY

Rats, this be the flashback bit! Er...stone the crows, squire! I was just ‘avin a giraffe, so I was, me old china, what what, don’t’cha know?

LIEUTENANT (approaching)

Mr. McNally! That will do for your poorly-attempted proper British accent. Just stick with the pirate speak.

MCNALLY

Right you are, guv’nor. I’ll be off up the apples and pears and...oh, er, I mean...yarr, matey.

LIEUTENANT

I do not care for such talk of pirates. Scallywags and ragamuffins, the lot of them.

GIRL

Well I think it would be rather exciting to meet a pirate. Especially one with excessive eyeliner.

LIEUTENANT

Think again, Miss Swann. I intend to see to it that any man who flies a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves…to be mashed into a pulp, then his eyes gouged out while his elbows are broken, then his kneecaps split, his body summarily burned away before having his limbs all hacked and mangled and his nostrils plucked and his bottom burned off and his pe—

GOVERNOR (approaching)

That’s...that’s quite enough of that.[3] I’m concerned about the effect such talk will have upon my daughter, Lieutenant Jack Davenport.

DAVENPORT

My apologies, Governor Jonathan Pryce.

GIRL

Actually, I find it all fascinating. I think it would be certainly marvellous to meet a pirate, perhaps when we’re marooned on a desert island somewhere and we sing songs and drink lots of rum then lay down on the beach and...

PRYCE

Er...look, a conveniently distracting umbrella in the water!

CREW

Gasp!

GIRL

And look! There’s a boy in the water!

CREW

Lawks!

MCNALLY

Also, there’s a burning ship.

CREW

Meh.

PRYCE

But the boy is far more important. I want you to look after him. He'll be in your care, meaning I’ve inadvertently set up the relationship my daughter enters into that I risk her life to get her out of later in the series. I’m a very forward-thinking person. Hey, I wonder if these wigs come in "distinguished grey"?

Meanwhile, the GIRL has wandered off and is trying to rouse the BOY. Suddenly, he wakes with a start, clutching at the GIRL’s arm.

GIRL

Don’t be afraid. I’m a young Keira Knightley.

BOY

Hi. I grow up to be Orlando Bloom.

UR-KEIRA'

Jackpot! I’ll be watching you, Orlando. Er, watching over you, that is. He-he.

PROTO-ORLANDO slips back into unconsciousness. MINI-KEIRA spots a medallion on a chain around LIL-ORLANDO’s neck. She takes it.

UR-KEIRA

Yoink!

DAVENPORT (approaching)

Did he say anything?

UR-KEIRA

Nopes. And I certainly didn’t steal anything from him, so you can’t prove anything at all.

DAVENPORT

O-kay. Well, I and the entirety of the ship’s crew are going to distract ourselves by gawping at that umbrella, so if any large, impossible-to-miss pirate galleons happen to waltz right past us, obviously we won’t actually see them. Ta-ta.

UR-KEIRA

Right-o. I’ll just examine this medallion...I legally acquired...many years ago. [beat] Hey, look, a large pirate galleon is waltzing right past! Yikes!

II: It Was All a Dream...Edit

The present day (i.e., a long time ago on seas far, far away...)[4]

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY (now in full Stone Cold Fox mode) wakes up after a dream. She gets out of bed and takes her medallion from a drawer. She puts it on just as a knocking is heard outside. She quickly throws on a gown as GOVERNOR JONATHAN PRYCE enters the dark room.

PRYCE

Still a-bed at this hour?

He throws open the curtains, revealing a beautiful harbour scene.

PRYCE

Ha! That’s two fingers up at all you guys stuck in dreary old England or boring suburban America! We’re in the Caribbean, and to prove it, the entire series will be littered with gratuitous shots of beautiful tropical scenery that will make you drool all over yourselves like the common muck you are!

KEIRA

Um...dad? The film...?

PRYCE

Oh, yes. Er, quick, bring in the Character-Defining Metaphorical Device.

KEIRA

Looks like a corset to me.

PRYCE

Yeah, well we’re going to beat you over the head with its symbolism throughout the film until your ears bleed.

KEIRA

Ah, I see now that the corset functions to stifle my desire for unrestricted freedom by placing me in a situation in which I have trouble literally and figuratively breathing. More on that later.

BUTLER

But for now, you have a visitor, M’Lord.

CUT TO: Downstairs in Governor Jonathan Pryce’s mansion, where ORLANDO BLOOM (in full Front-Cover-of-Sugar-Magazine mode) waits with a box under his arm. He inspects a candelabra on the wall, and, when he accidentally yanks a candlestick from the wall, hilarity ensues!

PRYCE (approaching)

Ah, Mr. Bloom! Good to see you again.

ORLANDO

Good day, sir. I have your order.

He opens the box to reveal a well-crafted sword. PRYCE inspects it.

ORLANDO

The blade is hoistened adamantium.[5] That’s gold hoipalloi laid into the vertical axis. The flange has nearly the full contrail of the blade’s coaxial magnitude.

PRYCE

I...see...

ORLANDO

It’s also got a little picture of a puppy-dog on the knobbly bit, just there.

PRYCE

Ah, bless. Commodore Davenport, as he’s about to become, is going to be very impressed with this. Do pass my compliments on to your master.

ORLANDO

Perhaps you didn’t catch that ridiculous spiel of 18th Century technobabble...?

PRYCE

Yes, I’m sure your master has taught you a great deal about...cleaning sheds and whatnot.

ORLANDO

No, you see, my expertise in this subject implies that it was I myself who crafted this sword, and I’m looking for some kind of gratification that my work is appreciated, in order to fuel my highly volatile ego.

PRYCE

Yes, I caught that, but my character is meant to at first brush you aside as a common dogsbody then gradually grow to resent you as his daughter’s suitor. Notice how enamoured I am with Jack Davenport and his lovely, soft face.

ORLANDO

Oh. Well, then, I shall pass on my compliments. Or whatever... [pause] Hot damn!

KEIRA is descending the stairs, now dressed in her metaphorical corset. She appears pleased to see ORLANDO.

KEIRA

Orlando! I’m pleased to see you, as evidenced by my faint smile!

ORLANDO

I am likewise pleased to see you, as evidenced by the way my eyes are scrabbling out of their sockets to bury themselves in your surprisingly prominent cleavage. However, I am wearing the male equivalent of the metaphorical corset, and so I’m going to treat the subject of many a wet dream with abject indifference.

KEIRA

Well, if that’s how you’re going to be...I thought you looked like a girl in Lord of the Rings![6]

KEIRA storms off into her carriage.

PRYCE I think it might be fitting at this point to interject with, "Orland-OWNED!" and leave. Toodle-pip, loser.

Governor JONATHAN PRYCE and KEIRA KNIGHTLEY ride off into PORT ROYAL. ORLANDO is left at the doorway.

ORLANDO

Toodle-pip...Domino.[7]

A low blow, indeed. Still, wishy-washy teen angst takes a backseat as we CUT TO:

III: Aw Hells YeahEdit

THE MOST AWESOME INTRODUCTION THIS SIDE OF DARTH VADER.[8] A PIRATE is approaching PORT ROYAL atop the mast of his ship. Dreadlocked hair flapping about the place and a determined look on his face, CAPTAIN JOHNNY DEPP has arrived! His ship, revealed to be a simple fishing dory, sinks into the water as DEPP steps onto the harbour and swaggers off. The HARBOURMASTER yells after him.

HARBOURMASTER

Hey, hold up there you! It’s a shilling to tie your boat up at the port. And I shall need to know your name.

JOHNNY DEPP

What do you say to three shillings, and we forget the name? Although, you could just refer to me as The Saviour of All Mankind. Everyone else will by the time the credits roll.

The HARBOURMASTER’s companion (looking dubiously like some kind of slave-boy) raises an eyebrow.

HARBOURMASTER

Sorry, Mr. Depp. Didn’t recognise you under all that make-up.

JOHNNY

It’s all part of the character, mate.

HARBOURMASTER

Right you are.

DEPP swaggers off, stealing the HARBOURMASTER’s purse as he does and downing a bottle of rum, just because he can.

CUT TO: A tedious promotion ceremony over at FORT CHARLES, involving COMMODORE DAVENPORT dressed as a Mardi Gras float (in-joke ahoy!). He swings his sword about as KEIRA looks a bit ill, probably from that Domino jibe.

CUT BACK TO: The much more interesting CAPTAIN DEPP, who is being accosted by two INEPT MARINES, and is about to launch into a comedy routine!

INEPT MARINE #1

Halt! This area is off-limits to members of 60‘s rock and roll bands!

JOHNNY

I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t know. I’ll have to tell my dad.[9] Easy mistake, don’t worry about it. If you’ll excuse me...

CAPTAIN DEPP moves off, but INEPT MARINES #1 and #2 follow, bayonets ready.

JOHNNY

Apparently there’s some sort of la-di-dah and killer diller to-do up at the fort, ay? Now, how could it be that two righteous narcs such as yourselves did not merit an invitation, ya jive?

INEPT MARINE #2

Somebody has to keep recycled 70’s slang from crowbarring its way into the script.

JOHNNY

It’s a fine goal to be sure, but it seems to me that it’d be far more proactive to guard that bloody great ship over there.

He points to the BIG-ASS SHIP, flagship of the NAVY.

INEPT MARINE #2

Oh, you’d have to be insane to try and steal the Big-Ass Ship. Now, the Interceptor, on the other hand, that’s a ship worth stealing. No ship can match it for speed.

He points to a smaller, sleeker ship behind them; the INTERCEPTOR.

JOHNNY

I’ve heard of one. It was name-dropped in the title.

INEPT MARINE #2

The Black Pearl? Heh, well, there’s no real ship as can match the Interceptor.

INEPT MARINE #1

The Black Pearl is a real ship.

INEPT MARINE #2

No, no, it isn’t.

INEPT MARINE #1

Yes it is.

INEPT MARINE #2

No, it isn’t.

INEPT MARINE #1

Yeah, it is.

INEPT MARINE #2

It isn’t.

INEPT MARINE #1

It is.

INEPT MARINE #2

Isn’t!

INEPT MARINE #1

Is!

INEPT MARINE #2

Isn’t!

INEPT MARINE #1

Is!

INEPT MARINE #2

Is!

INEPT MARINE #1

Isn’t...aw, poot!

INEPT MARINE #2

So, as I’ve conclusively proven, there’s no real ship as can match the Inter—bloody hell, he’s buggered off!

INEPT MARINE #1

So he has! He’s scarpered![10]

The two INEPT MARINES look around wildly for CAPTAIN DEPP, spotting him at the wheel of the INTERCEPTOR. They race onboard, weapons raised.

INEPT MARINE #2

Hey! Get away from there! You’re not supposed to be aboard there, mate!

JOHNNY

Sorry, it’s just, it’s such a lovely boat...ship. See, I really like ships. I’ve got a thing for them, which you’ll notice whenever I get the chance to lovingly stroke one when I think no one’s looking.

INEPT MARINE #2

What’s your purpose in Port Royal, Captain Fetish?

JOHNNY

What? Sorry, I was busy idly stroking the ship...

INEPT MARINE #2

What’s your purpose here?

INEPT MARINE #1

Yeah, and no lies!

JOHNNY

All right, then. I confess: it is my intention to create a drunken, rock-and-roll pirate character so off-the-wall that no executive in the land would feed a film starring said drunken rock-and-roll pirate any amount of money, though ultimately said film starring said drunken rock-and-roll pirate would go on to make massive sums of wonga at the box office, thus rendering all naysayers schtum and allowing the portrayer of the aforementioned drunken rock-and-roll pirate to finally get into the bloody A-list where he belongs. Savvy?

INEPT MARINE #1

I said no lies!

INEPT MARINE #2

I think he’s telling the truth.

INEPT MARINE #1

But such an off-the-wall character would never work in a mainstream Disney blockbuster!

JOHNNY

Ah, unless of course the main protagonists were so blandly uninteresting as to make the drunken rock-and-roll pirate the only interesting hero in the film.

INEPT MARINE #2

Nah, who could possibly be so blandly uninteresting in a swashbuckling pirate action film such as that?

JOHNNY

Ah...

CUT TO:

IV: Rising DampEdit

ORLANDO BLOOM in his blacksmith’s shop, doing something uninteresting with a bland look on his face.

CUT TO:

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, watching the uninteresting promotion ceremony with bland disinterest. The newly-promoted COMMODORE DAVENPORT walks up to her.

DAVENPORT

Miss Knightley. May I have a moment?

They walk out onto the battlements. KEIRA is still struggling with her metaphorical corset. DAVENPORT looks nervous.

DAVENPORT

You, ah, look lovely, Keira. Um. I’m going to stand here for the next twelve and a half minutes perfecting my stumbling, stiff-upper-lipped British persona while looking nervously uncomfortable in this bloody great Christmas tree I’ve been forced to wear. So, you know, um, any time you want to, sort of, fall off the battlements, be my, er, guest.

KEIRA

Oh, right. Ta.

KEIRA falls off the battlements. DAVENPORT dashes to the edge and looks down in horror.

DAVENPORT

But I’m a roguish pirate in the next one!

It is TOO LATE: KEIRA has fallen in the water. DAVENPORT’s officers hurry up as the COMMODORE prepares to leap after her.

GILLETTE

Sir! The rocks! It’s a miracle she missed them!

DAVENPORT

Couldn’t I just aim for the spot where she fell and avoid the rocks completely?

GILLETTE

No, sir, I can’t take that risk!

DAVENPORT

Stop being so overly-protective of me!

GILLETTE

Can’t sir! You see, I’m the best a man can get.[11]

*Rimshot* And a CUT TO A BETTER JOKE:

CAPTAIN JOHNNY is talking to INEPT MARINES #1 and #2 onboard the INTERCEPTOR.

JOHNNY

...But I’m afraid I was very, very drunk.[12]

KEIRA plummets past them and into the water. All stand.

JOHNNY

Will you be saving her, then?

INEPT MARINE #1

I’ve only just got my Bronze Ten Meters Swim. Not going for the Silver Rescuing Posh British Birds From the Sea until Friday.

INEPT MARINE #2

Forgot my water-wings.

JOHNNY

Pride of the King’s Navy you are. Do not lose these!

He hands his effects over to INEPT MARINE #1 and dives into the water. KEIRA, meanwhile, has sunk to the sea bed, where the medallion sends out a pulse through the ocean. JOHNNY summarily rescues her, though not before adhering to the rules of every Hollywood movie ever and divesting the heroine of an article of clothing.[13] They arrive back on the harbour.

INEPT MARINE #2

She’s not breathing!

JOHNNY

Move!

He literally and figuratively cuts open KEIRA’s metaphorical and literal corset. That’s probably important.

INEPT MARINE #2

I never would have thought of that.

JOHNNY

Clearly your grasp of metaphor is as negligible as Keira’s outfit.

He stares at KEIRA’s chest.

JOHNNY

Shiny.

KEIRA

Oh, Mr. Scoundrel, I do hope you aren’t going to abuse my helpless and decidedly moist position!

JOHNNY

Sorry, love? I was looking at your medallion.

KEIRA

Oh.

Suddenly, DAVENPORT, PRYCE and NAVY OFFICERS race up to the harbour. Guns are aimed at CAPTAIN DEPP.

DAVENPORT

On your feet!

KEIRA

Commodore! Do you really intend to kill this smokin’ piece of...er, I mean, do you really intend to kill my rescuer?

DAVENPORT

[sighs] I suppose thanks are in order.

JOHNNY proffers his hand, but DAVENPORT grabs it and reveals a pirate brand on his forearm.

DAVENPORT

Mwah-ha-ha-hah! My dastardly British veneer paid off once again! Had a brush with Tom Hollander did we, pirate?

PRYCE

Er...we haven’t got to that film yet.

DAVENPORT

Oh. Er, well, let’s see...

He spots a tattoo on CAPTAIN DEPP’s arm; the silhouette of a man with scissors for hands.

DAVENPORT

Well, well. Johnny Depp, isn’t it?

JOHNNY

Captain Johnny Depp, if you please, sir.

DAVENPORT

Well, I don’t see hordes of screaming fan girls, Captain.

JOHNNY

I confused them with all this make-up.

DAVENPORT

Yes, is that really necessary?

JOHNNY

It’s part of the character.

DAVENPORT

Right...er, if you want to make your swashbuckling escape any time soon...

JOHNNY

Oh, right. Ta.

He makes his SWASHBUCKLING ESCAPE while the BRITS run through a series of pratfalls. Much ado with falling cannons and swinging ropes as JOHNNY zip-lines to safety.

DAVENPORT

After him, men! I might have a chance to zing out a witty one-liner since Johnny just forgot his.

JOHNNY (off-screen)

Oh, fiddlesticks!

V: Man-on-Man ActionEdit

He decides to pop into a smithy. He finds a DRUNK lying sleeping in a chair, but concerns himself with removing his chains. He does so, just as the door opens, and ORLANDO walks in, a box under one arm. He spots JOHNNY.

ORLANDO

It’s you! The one the fan girls are looking for!

JOHNNY peers down at ORLANDO’s package...gah, I mean, the package ORLANDO is holding under his arm...it is BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM on DVD.

JOHNNY

Research?

ORLANDO

Ammunition.[14] She’s only going to bring up Wilde at some point, and I don’t need that.[15]

JOHNNY

Ah, so you’ve found a girl, but are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet seeing as she thinks you’re a rent boy.

ORLANDO

Well? At least I wasn’t a eunuch.

JOHNNY

Meh. Get your weapon out, Orlando.

A pause.

ORLANDO

You mean my sword?

JOHNNY

...Yes. Yes, that. I meant that.

ORLANDO gets his weap—sword out. Segue into: The Obligatory Pirate Duel Scene, which JOHNNY wins on account of being a REAL LIFE PIRATE. However, the DRUNK from earlier bashes him over the head with a bottle just as DAVENPORT and his men break the door down. DAVENPORT stands over JOHNNY with a triumphant grin.

DAVENPORT

Yeah, in your FACE American! No one beats the British, ever!

JOHNNY

[regaining consciousness for a moment]
That was your witty one-liner? This is a Hollywood film, mate.

DAVENPORT

...Oh, poot!

His future as an easily-dispensable British character looming large, DAVENPORT orders his men to take JOHNNY away.

VI: Pirates, and Eyeballs, and Curses; Oh My!Edit

MONTAGE of CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ahoy! KIERA thinks about damp pirates; ORLANDO whacks his mallet; and JOHNNY sits around looking generally cool, having decided to hide out from the fan girls in the PRISONS. But even his HAN SOLO-class grin can't keep our interest as...

A SINISTER, BLACK-SAILED SHIP arrives at PORT ROYAL amid a bit of a breeze. DAVENPORT and PRYCE are up on the fort's battlements.

PRYCE

Has my daughter given you an answer yet?

DAVENPORT

Nope.

PRYCE

Oh. [beat] Well, I guess that's our conversation choices exhausted, and we've got to continue social interaction until that SINISTER BLACK-SAILED SHIP gets within range.

DAVENPORT

Well, we're British officers in a film full of American action heroes...

PRYCE

Of course! [beat] Ghastly weather, don't you think?

DAVENPORT

Bleak. Very bleak.

PRYCE

Er...Tim Henman's doing well this year, isn't he?[16]

DAVENPORT

Strawberries and the Queen.

Suddenly, the SINISTER BLACK-SAILED SHIP starts shooting the bejeesus out of the port. Barrels, bamboo huts and small children EXPLODE as only in a JERRY BRUCKHEIMER production allows. The Brits are left cowering behind the battlements. Meanwhile, in the PRISONS, JOHNNY looks alert and addresses his fellow prisoners.

JOHNNY

I know those guns! That SINISTER BLACK-SAILED SHIP is really the Black Pearl!

TED ELLIOT & TERRY ROSSIO

Finally! Now we don't have to keep typing out "SINISTER BLACK-SAILED SHIP". But look! Shenanigans are afoot!

They're also afloat, as the SINISTER--er, the BLACK PEARL disgorges several longboats. Arriving at the docks, the boats carry foul-looking, ill-dressed, swarthy-faced, smelly old tramps wielding an assortment of swords, guns and kitchen utensils. These are, of course, PIRATES.

They lay SIEGE to the town. A group of the scallywags races towards the GOVERNOR'S MANSION. The mob knocks politely on the door. Inside, the BUTLER is standing in the hall, shaking slightly and talking to himself.

BUTLER

Okay, Butler, you can do this. It's just a knock...no need to answer it, no need to answer it...

KEIRA (approaching)

Butler? What's the matter?

BUTLER

It's...it's the knocking, Miss Knightley! The knocking! It's like catnip to my kind! I...can't...resist...

He snaps, and dashes to the door, wrenching it open and fixing a gleaming smile upon the MOB outside, which promptly produces a gun and SHOOTS HIS FACE OFF.[17] KEIRA screams and dashes upstairs as the MOB enters and begins sacking the MANSION. Two of its number, ARENBERG and CROOK, follow KEIRA. They enter an empty room.

ARENBERG

We know you're here, poppet! Come out, and we promise we won't hurt you!

A voice emanates from a closet.

KEIRA (V/O)

What?

ARENBERG

...What?

KEIRA (V/O)

Aren't you supposed to be bloodthirsty, unsympathetic, evil cursed pirates? Not that I'd know you're cursed, of course, but still... Why would you think I'd believe that?

ARENBERG

No-no-no, we're not just any old bloodthirsty pirates. Look, take a peek out of that closet you're definately not hiding in. What do you see?

KEIRA (V/O)

Er, a short, bald, slightly podgy pirate and a tall, lanky, daft-looking pirate...

ARENBERG

Exactly. We're Laurel and Hardy C-3PO and R2-D2 Cannon and Ball the comic relief. You're in absolutely no danger what-so-ever.

CROOK

Yup, look, I've even got a comedy false eye.

Said comedy false eye proeeds to fall out of its socket and roll off out the door and down the stairs. Much ado with chasing the eyeball through the MANSION amid flying cannonballs and EXPLOSIONS. A sigh is heard from inside the closet.

KEIRA (V/O)

I'm supposed to be captured by these guys? There's no eyeliner among them!

Meanwhile, JOHNNY is still languishing in the PRISONS, when a commotion outside heralds the arrival of DREADLOCKED PIRATE and MANGY PIRATE. They approach JOHNNY's cell with a mixture of contempt and glee.

DREADLOCKED PIRATE

Well, well, look what we 'ave 'ere, Mangy Pirate. Captain Johnny Depp.

MANGY PIRATE

Last time we saw you, you was all alone, dying in Victoria Era London. [to DREADLOCKED PIRATE] His fortunes ain't improved much.

JOHNNY

You know nothing of From Hell.[18] And, to stick to my side of the script: worry about your own fortunes, gentlemen. See, I'm the only one who can pull off the "dreadlocked pirate" thing in this film, and as for your pet here, there's already a mangy dog around here somewhere.

DREADLOCKED PIRATE is angered by JOHNNY's taunts, and grabs his throat through the bars, conveniently casting his arm into a sliver of moonlight and revealing a rotted, skeletal arm.

JOHNNY

Woah now! Get that thing off me! What the hell's that?

DREADLOCKED PIRATE

It's my arm, revealed in its true, skeletal form under the moonlight. Y'know, since I'm a cursed pirate an' all.

JOHNNY

Yeah, but I didn't think it was an actual curse. Geez, can't anyone around here pull off a metaphor properly? I mean, skeletal pirates, really? How effective can that actually be in a combat situation? Do you employ someone to follow you around and wire bits back on again?

MANGY PIRATE

Quiet, you! We're intimidating and completely competant, us!

DREADLOCKED PIRATE

Right. Now, let's leave the only guy who knows how to reverse the curse that renders us both invincible and immortal here in this easily-escapable situation, in the hopes that he might not follow us to the dreaded Isla de Muerta in an attempt to get his revenge on the man who stole his ship and left him to die ten years ago, who is, coincidentally, currently our captain, and the man who would be completely vulnerable to a single shot from a well-maintained pistol if the curse were ever to be lifted by, oh, I don't know, someone who is able to rope into his madcap adventure the son of the last guy we need to contribute blood to the stone chest on said dreaded island in order to, yes, lift the curse. Besides, there's cake back at the ship.

The PIRATES leave. JOHNNY sits contemplating in his cell.

JOHNNY

Cake? That's interesting. That's very interesting...

VII: A Knightley Rush to Bloom, er, DeppilyEdit

The BLACK PEARL! KEIRA has somehow managed to be captured by the COMIC RELIEF, and is now being jostled aboard as the PIRATES return to their ship. She catches a glimpse of an imposing figure standing on the upper deck, before encountering the BO'SUN.

KEIRA

I am here to negotiate the cessation of kidnapping by comedy pirates. If I must be kidnapped (and seeing as I'm only one of two females in the film, it looks like I've got no choice) I'd rather be outwitted by someone who isn't one gold medallion short of a mortal life.

CROOK

I'd probably resent that if my character had any depth.

BO'SUN

You want real-life pirates, huh? How about this?

He SLAPS her in the FACE. A hand catches BO'SUN's arm; CAPTAIN RUSH is on the other end of it. A MONKEY is perched on his shoulder.

RUSH

Ye'll not be actin' like real-life pirates, now. Did ye not see Johnny hamming it up earlier? 'Cause I certainly did, and I'm not about to be outdone by Willy Wonka.[19] [to KEIRA] My apologies, Miss.

KEIRA

Captain Rush, I presume?

RUSH

Aye.

KEIRA

Or perhaps Captain Cliché? Look, you've even got a monkey on your shoulder.

TED ELLIOT & TERRY ROSSIO

There's a guy with a parrot later on. But let's gloss over the massive amount of pirate clichés we've crow-barred in by tossing in some long words to confuse the audience!

KEIRA

I'm here to conciliate the cessation and/or abayance of the engagement of hostilities against Port Royal.

The PIRATES laugh.

RUSH

We be pirates, and concordantly and/or ergo, I be disinclined to acquiesce to your request. And as an addendum for our predicted audience: that means "no".

KEIRA

Rats. Your vocabulary has outdone me. Nothing left but to hand over the one thing I should not under any circumstances hand over to these pirates. Here, have this medallion.

She hands over said MEDALLION. CAPTAIN RUSH's monkey takes it and runs away gibbering.

KEIRA

[sighs; enters into a soliloquy] There it goes. My last link to Orlando. Lawks, he's so dreamy. Maybe I'll marry him someday, perhaps in an impromptu service in the middle of a whirlpool, presided over by our arch-nemesis...Mrs. Orlando...

RUSH

Thanks for the medallion. Seeing as we've got what we came for, we're going to set sail, so we won't be able to drop you off. Now that you're stuck onboard, we'd better get to know each other. Do ye have a name, Missy?

KEIRA

[still soliloquizing; dreamily] Keira...Bloom. Yeah.

RUSH

Miss...Bloom...

He turns to the CREW with a wicked grin. There is muttered whispering amongst the PIRATES.

ARENBERG

Bootstrap!

CROOK

Legolas!

RUSH

Hush. Well then, Miss Bloom...we're going to pop along to the dreaded Isla de Muerta.

KEIRA

[snapping out of it] Eh? Isla the what? Hold on, you can't leave me on this ship! According to the Code of the Brethren, you have to take me to shore--

RUSH

First, ye've got to be a pirate for the Pirate's Code to apply, and ye're not; second, you were too busy fantasizing about bloomin' Florida to actually stipulate any terms; and finally, the Code states that any one of a film's two female characters -- that'd be you -- must be kidnapped by the evil bastard -- that'd be me -- until rescued by some kind of wet-behind-the-ears boy-hero...although on that last point, we consider the Code to be more actual guidelines than rules. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Bloom!

KEIRA

Well, dang it all!

CUT TO: Port Royal; the next day, the aftermath of the battle. ORLANDO wakes up, lying in the street -- oh yeah, we forgot to mention that he totally got punked by those dang-nasty PIRATES, but he used a Bond-class one-liner during the fight, and that's just unforgivable.[20] So anyway, he failed to save KEIRA, and is pretty moody about it, as evidenced by a slight furrow in his brow.

ORLANDO

Dang it all also! Keira, my one true love, has been kidnapped, and I have no way of finding her! Wait, surely I can implore Commodore What's-His-Face to help. He seems like a relatively non-threatening, organized, business-like Brit!

ORLANDO skips off to FORT CHARLES, where he finds DAVENPORT, PRYCE and the INEPT MARINES consulting a map.

ORLANDO

Ahoy, there…hold on, what are you doing?

DAVENPORT

Arbitrarily consulting this map in a feeble attempt to track down the pirate ship. Also, who in heck are you?

ORLANDO

Why aren't you in some kind of office -- or war room -- or map room? You are the commanding officer of the entire fort, after all. And don't say "I think of my office as out on the street"--

DAVENPORT

--on the street -- sorry, did you say something? I was too busy being proactive in the search for my future fiancée.

PRYCE

And I'm sure she'll agree to marry you, Commodore. You do have great hair, after all.

DAVENPORT

Stop that. [to ORLANDO] Look, kiddo, or champ, or whatever other demeaning noun I'd think of if I could be bothered...go back to bashing your anvil, or filling your slack tub,[21] or whatever it is you crazy smithys do.

ORLANDO

Hey! There's more to me than just a metal-headed blacksmith, you know!

INEPT MARINE #2

'Course, we could always just ask that Johnny Depp to help us.

ORLANDO sticks an axe into the map.

ORLANDO

Weld-one! Mind of steel, you have!

He proceeds to hammer the axe in deeper, for effect.

ORLANDO (cont.)

Let's forge on and clap those pirates in irons! Er...kiln-ariffic?

DAVENPORT

[sighs] Yes, you're an apparently-dunderheaded blacksmith with a heart of gold, we get it. Now shoo, blowtorch.

ORLANDO skulks off.

DAVENPORT

And don't let me catch you using your blacksmith skills to break the pirate out of jail so you can engage in a wacky swashbuckling adventure on the high seas! Because none of us want that!

ORLANDO

Hey, there's an idea...!

He EXUENTS. DAVENPORT and co. are left staring quite pointlessly at the map.

PRYCE

Well said, Jack. Er, may I call you Jack?

DAVENPORT

Oh, hush up, you.

Homage-O-MeterEdit

  1. An easy one to kick off with. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, of course, with "hi ho" taking the place of "yo ho".
  2. She's got a point there.
  3. It needed a group of wandering minstrels, really. The first Monty Python ref, taken from The Ballad of Sir Robin in The Holy Grail.
  4. It's Star Wars, but with pirates. Well, more pirates.
  5. Snikt!
  6. This is true. Also, one with giant eyebrows.
  7. As in, the bounty hunter.
  8. True again.
  9. Hah! Because...because, do you see? His dad...in the third one...his band...oh, I'm so witty!
  10. Monty Python and Sir Robin's buggering-off again.
  11. Might have to spell this out for the Yanks: Gillette is a razor over in good old Blighty, whose adverts proclaim it to be "The Best a Man Can Get". Well I thought it was funny...
  12. A ref of a ref. The original line was taken from The Fast Show, as is this, far more appropriate one.
  13. Huzzah for Hollywood and Dubious Sexism!
  14. Orlando's quite right to use it as ammo against Keira. It's terrible.
  15. Heh. Rent boy.
  16. Come on, Tim! Gah, he never does...
  17. Seriously, why the hells did he open the door? They're pirates! That's almost as bad as Jehovas Witnesses!
  18. Oh, how witty am I! Also, spoiler alert.
  19. Hands up who thought it was uncomfortably close to a Jacko impression in the remake? As if the guy wasn't creepy enough. Either of them.
  20. He did. With a Serious Face.
  21. Wikipedia for the win!

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