by Shaolu

Warning Edit

I first wrote this short story when I was around 17 years old, so (like most teenagers) the humor can get a bit crude. However, it still might give some a good chuckle, and perhaps the community can improve it, if there's any interest.

The Beginning... Edit

Everybody knew Oscar was a grouch, but the kids at home never knew why. When the network started the show, all they had were happy people and smiling puppets. It seemed all right at first, but they knew they needed to spice it up for the audience at home. They wanted an objective observer with whom the parents could identify. They wanted a total jackass who thought all this non-drug-induced happiness was a bunch of bullshit. They felt that parents could then identify with this character, and they were right.

They found Oscar living out of a trashcan, drinking booze. He had just gotten off the bus and was mumbling, “prob’ly ‘cause I’m green, that racist bastard,” after an altercation with the bus driver. He was more than the network expected to find. Not only was he an angry bum, but a green muppet as well. The parents would be entertained and kids always liked fuzzy things (they’re kind of like cats that way).

When he came on the show, reeking of booze and urine, the other cast members weren’t too happy. Oscar loved it. All he had to do was be himself and they would pay him for it. It was great at first, he yelled at the cast and made fun of Elmo’s jewish heritage (many viewers still do not know that Elmo is actually half Jew, half Red Monster). On two occasions he even assaulted Bert and Ernie in a homophobic rampage.

With the amount of money he was earning on the show, Oscar soon bought houses, cars, prostitutes, and of course drugs. Illegal drugs, that is. He was already medicated for his schizophrenia (after his diagnosis, when he signed on for the show). Excess and Indulgence soon became Oscar’s life philosophy.

One night Oscar was holding a typical all night orgy, as usual. Sex, drugs, and alcohol all mixed together to form a dizzying concoction of depravity. As everyone arose the next morning from their puddles of vomit and cocaine, they found Oscar was still passed out. His heart was very faint and he didn’t look good at all. Finally someone called an ambulance and Oscar was rushed to the hospital and revived after his heart finally stopped. He had overdosed on the previous night’s near-lethal combination of drugs.

The few real friends Oscar had (the rest leeched off of him for money), checked him into rehab. It took a while but eventually Oscar turned his life around. He kicked his various drug habits, and eventually learned anger management techniques and became a completely different green monster. The problem was the Network didn’t want things to be different.

The Trouble Starts... Edit

The show’s producer specifically hired on Oscar because off his attitude and personality. Muppets were hard to find, and finding one that was an angry loudmouth jackass was even harder to find. Oscar was important to the show; he gave it an edge. If the show lost Oscar it would lose 90% of it’s audience, and the only people watching would be the freaks that watch that boring dung heap of a show, “Mr. Rogers”. PBS could do without another “Mr. Rogers”. The only reason it stayed on the air was due to Rogers’ various Mafia connections.

Oscar stayed on the show, but he had problems with his lines. He no longer agreed with their angry hate-filled nature. He would improvise nearly all his lines, due to his moral qualms. In one scene Big Bird asked Oscar, “How are you doing today Oscar?” Oscar responded with, “Oh not too well.” His line was supposed to be, “Back off you yellow fat ass freak before I’ll slit your throat!” A few episodes were released with Oscar’s improvised lines. Ratings plummeted. No one liked the new Oscar. They wanted the bad ass drunken bum, instead they got the green Muppet version of David Cassidy (or rather “Keith”, not the true crack addict behind the scenes).

Every time Oscar would “improvise” and Big Bird was in the scene, the blotted bird Muppet would scream profanities at Oscar and on occasion threaten his life. Here’s a transcript of one of these occasions which happened to be taped. The tape has been recently widely distributed on the Net (edited for content):

MR GROUCH: I just don’t think this line is appropriate for a children’s show. MR BIRD: I don’t f**king care what you think! If I want your god damn opinion I’ll rip it out of your f**king ass, because that’s what your ideas are you stupid f**king mother f**ker. They’re shit! Okay?

[MR BIRD proceeds to grab MR GROUCH by the head and shake furiously]

MR BIRD: Okay? You got that you hippie mother f**ker?! I don’t care what you think! I don’t care what you-

[The DIRECTOR has stepped in]

MR BIRD: Back off! Just back off! DIRECTOR: Calm down! MR BIRD: I’ll calm down when you back off and let go of me! DIRECTOR: Okay MR BIRD: Now why don’t you do your job and get this freak to do his lines.

[MR BIRD turns to MR GROUCH]

MR BIRD: You got that asshole?! DIRECTOR: Were all upset okay Big Bird, I’m sure we can get Oscar to do his lines. MR BIRD: Yeah and not just the script, he was better when he was doing lines, if you know what I mean. MR GROUCH: That was the old Oscar. MR BIRD: Did I tell you to speak?! No! So shut the f**k up! DIRECTOR: Okay Big Bird why don’t you take a breather in the break room.

[MR BIRD starts to walk off stage continuing to smoke his cigarette.]

MR BIRD: And get these f**king kids off the set!

Big Bird was often abusive to cast and crew, but the old Oscar could put him in his place. Now Big Bird took this opportunity to step all over the reformed grouch. Oscar could still put up with it although, and looking to Ghandi as his inspiration he non-violently resisted.

The large capitalist construct* known as PBS threatened to cancel the show. It was sweeps week and PBS and CBS were head to head in competition for sponsors. The show needed Oscar to stay alive, but how could they get the old Oscar back?

That Dreadful Day... Edit

Oscar seemed to be running late. Everyone waited for him, not knowing the horrible truth. Oscar checked into the Gun Shop at 8:26 AM. After the thorough background check, which found him to have killed less than 5 people in the past year, as well as not being a postal worker, he left the store with a rifle, handgun, ammunition, and plastic explosives at 8:27 AM.

Oscar sneaked onto the set and climbed into the tallest building on “Sesame Street”. Oscar set up his rifle, which took him quite a while, as the Muppet rods protruding from his arms got in the way. Finally he set his sites on Big Bird. Big Bird was busy yelling at a kid to the point of tears, after the child had asked him a question while he was busy smoking.

All Oscar could hear was Tom Brokaw in his head telling him to kill.

“Yes, Lord Brokaw,” Oscar responded and pulled the trigger. Blood, brain matter, and feathers splattered against the wall where Big Bird was standing. All that was left was a beak containing a still smoking cigarette. Immediately everyone scattered, and Oscar rushed down to get a hostage.

He was running down to get Elmo, when he passed the Count hiding in a corner. Oscar planned to take the Count as a hostage, but Brokaw broke in. Oscar pulled at his handgun and then pumped a few shots into the Count’s chest.

“1...2...3... shots to the chest!” Oscar counted off and then manically laughed. He then suddenly recalled the explosives. Oscar set up the explosives in another building on the set and then went searching for Elmo. After finding the red Jewish Monster Muppet, Oscar grabbed him by the neck with his arm, pointed the gun Elmo’s head and walked out backwards. By the time Oscar returned to the original building swat teams had arrived on the scene.

They went through standard procedure, and asked for a list of demands. Oscar had only one demand.

“I want each one of your officers to urinate in a jar and bring it to that building,” Oscar said as he pointed to the rigged building.

“You want each officer to urinate in jars and bring them to that building?” The negotiator asked, half-puzzled.

“No! I want them to urinate in one jar! I want them all to carry it together! Get it right or you’ll mopping up this freak’s brains!!” Oscar screamed. After some time, they finally agreed and carried the large jar to the building. As soon as they entered, Oscar hit the switch, and the building exploded.

The officer started to exclaim, “Holy sh-!” then Blam! Oscar sniped off the officer. As Oscar continued laughing along with the Tom Brokaw voice, a sniper on the opposite building pulled his trigger. Oscar fell to the ground and was instantly dead, but in that last second of his life, his last thought was, “You know, I think Germans really do like David Hasselhoff.”

Thus concluded this sad chapter in PBS history. If anything can be learned from this tragedy it’s... well actually I guess nothing can be learned from this tragedy. It’s just a pointless tale, which has hopefully wasted as much of your time as possible. You may now return to your pointless life.

--Shaolu 02:16, 1 Aug 2005 (UTC)

  • Yes, I know, PBS is sponsored by “Viewers Like You”, but if you’re reading this looking for accuracy then you must be either extremely stupid, or a High School administrator (some might say they’re interchangeable).

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