Begin playing "I Can Tell We're Gonna Be The Most Retarded People on the Face of Earth, Aside from Your Brother-In-Law"

Show plates of maggot-infested food while we hear vomit sounds in the background.


Fade to Napoleon Dynamite standing in front of his house, his binders in his arms. He has a gigantic prom, thick cokebottle glasses and gigantic buck teeth. He opens one binder up, looks inside, then his eyes widen and he quickly closes the binder.

Suddenly we hear the bus approaching. Napoleon watches as it passes him, and then we hear the brakes squealing and then a loud crash, and then we see black smoke fill the air. Napoleon begins coughing.

The bus backs up and Napoleon climbs in through the crooked, smashed doors and sits down at the back with a morbidly obese kid who is messily eating a hot dog.

Kid: Whadd're you gonna do today, Napoleon?

Napoleon: Good grief, what the heck business is the heck that of the heck yours the heck!!! Whadever I feel like doin' GOSH!

Kid shrugs and goes back to messily scarfing his hot dog. Napoleon looks around, and takes a small Darth Vader action figure out of his binder. Fat Kid looks over, puzzled, and then belches, spraying half-chewed food all over Napoleon. Napoleon throws the figure out the window, and it hits the road and explodes in a giant ball of flame, forming a gigantic crater in the road. Everyone on the bus bursts out laughing.

Cut to inside Napoleon's classroom. He is drawing a picture of a man being messily devoured by a tyrannosaurus, and the tyrannosaurus is defecating. Suddenly he is called up to the front.

Napoleon: This week, the japs placed a bunch of friggin' explosives on the bottom of friggin' lake loch ness to try to blow Nessie out of the friggin' water, so they called on the local friggin' flatulent wizards to cast a protective friggin' spell over the friggin' lake to...

Teacher: Okay, that's enough.

Cut to inside the locker room. A bully named Randy is beating up on Napoleon. Suddenly, the locker falls over on Randy.

Cut to Napoleon walking up to the front desk. He is covered with bruises, scratches and burns.

Napoleon: Can I like use you guys' friggin' phone for a friggin' second?

Woman at desk: Is there anything wrong?

Napoleon: Yeah I feel like I'm gonna friggin' throw up, GOSH!

Woman hands him the phone. Napoleon dials up his home number.

Cut to Kip Dynamite standing in the kitchen. He has gigantic glass glasses that weigh down on his head, and his shoulders are two feet wide. He is shredding cheese over a gigantic plate of chips, and cheese is starting to fall on the floor and on the counter and all over the place. The phone rings, and he answers it.

Kip (in a high-pitched, squeaky voice): H-I-I-I!

Napoleon: Is grandma there?

Kip: Of course not! She's getting her hair done! I just saw her playing with matches and she got it burned off, so now she's looking...

Napoleon: Can you just go get her for me?? GOSH!!!

Kip: I'm really busy right now. I've gotta clean all this cheese off the floor. [He is standing in cheese up to his waist and cheese is in his hair]

Napoleon: Can you come get me?

Kip: Of course not, Napoleon! Whaddya think I am, your cheuffer??

Napoleon: GOSH! Can you do me a favor then?

Kip: Whaat?

Napoleon: Can you bring me my chapstick? My lips hurt real bad! And those aren't the only things...

Kip: Why dontcha just use the school nurse's? She's got like ten zillion sticks in her drawer! I can't believe you called me for chapstick...

Napoleon: I'm not gonna use the nurse's ya sicko! I just saw her giving it to her dog the other day.

Kip: See yuh. Bye.

Napoleon: GUH!! IDIOT!!!

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