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Back when the The Lord of the Rings was written, it was a time when people were very mean and nasty and used obscene, racist, ageist and sexist terms, amongst other things. This new, updated version of Lord of the Rings is an attempt to correct those wrongs. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not calling J.R.R. Tolkien a bad man; we are not calling anyone bad. We are saying that he was basically good, but he had some less-than-benevolent habits. I am certain that today he would realize his mistakes and would be more than willing to correct them, given his basically good tendencies. So without further delay, we present to you, the Politically Correct Lord of the Rings.
We will start with a description of some decent creatures called hobbits. Now hobbits are vertically challenged, meaning they are not as vertically enhanced as humans are. However, although they may be different, they are certainly not unequal to humans in any way. They speak, think, and act in very similar manner.
Now hobbits have a tendency to be rather size-enhanced, and they ingest edible substances in a manner which exceeds the average human, but we are not promoting discrimination against them because of this. They certainly have a right to ingest more food than the average human, as have they the right to be size-enhanced. Despite these factors, however, they are certainly very much more speed-enhanced, being able to vanish into heavily-wooded areas more speedily than the average human, especially when they hear the less-than-graceful individuals like you or I come along in a overly-audible way, making noises that are rather pachydermish in nature that they could detect at least 2,580 feet away. Now we are not denying individuals like you or I the right to be less-than-graceful, we are simply stating the rather unusual (but not "strange" or "weird") abilites of hobbits.
Now, there was one certain hobbit by the name of Baggins. His first name was Bilbo, but most folks knew him by the name Baggins. Now Baggins had a very unusual adventure, being taken out of the land of his birth (the Shire) and being exposed to new ideas and places. This certainly helped him to become more open-minded toward others, and to cut it short it also helped him to become more wealth-enhanced than his various relatives and acquaintences. But we won't go into that right now, because we have a much more length-enhanced story to relate to you.
Now on Mr. Baggin's adventure, he was separated from his more vertically-enhanced companions (who were still considered to be challenged in this area when compared to humans) in a large, open space which was light-impaired. In this large, open light-impaired space, he encountered a wetness-enhanced and rather viscous-skinned individual who was called by the name Gollum. Now Gollum was very kindness-impaired. This is certainly not an attempt to say that all creatures of his likeness (as a matter of fact, specially, he was quite alone) are this way, nor is it denying him the right to his various dispositions. Now Gollum had some rather unique habits (which are certainly not unequal to ours), which included catching creatures of the species Ichthyus and ingesting them without taking any measures to dispose of the illness-causing, misunderstood creatures which lived inside them. At any rate, Gollum was a unique, yet misunderstood being.
Now Bilbo discovered that Gollum (or Smeagol, as he was previously known as) possessed a rather unusual piece of gold, a ring. Now this ring had a very unique property which is worthy of recognition: when placed on one's finger, it gave that person the very special attribute of being visually diminished, meaning that no light was now reflecting off of him. Needless to say, this proved a very useful ability, and through it he was able to escape some less-than-tolerable conditions.
In a small amount, Bilbo Baggins managed to arrive back home very wealth-enhanced and a lot more open-minded than he had been previously. This is the story of what happened to his sibling's male pre-adult, Frodo.
Book One: The Brotherhood of the Golden, Circular ArtifactEdit
Chapter one: A party at least as much expected as the othersEdit
Now Bilbo Baggins was becoming very chronologically-enhanced. He had many years of knowledge and experience behind him, and was looking to the future with confidence and peace. Now this particular time at which this story is written is a very special time, as Mr. Baggins was approaching his one-hundred and eleventh celebration of the day of his birth. Needless to say, visually he did not seem to be this chronologically-enhanced, but he confirmed it, so he was having a celebration, and he invited all his various acquaintances, friends, well-wishers and distant relations to join him in this very joy-enhanced time.
Between all his acquaintances, there was one he particularly liked. I don't mean by that that that particular acquaintance is more likeability-enhanced than others, I am merely stating the fact that Bilbo enjoyed his company more than the others for personal reasons, which is a condemnable thing, since we are all equal and must be loved equally. Of course, Bilbo certainly did have a right to enjoy this particular acquaintance a little moreso than most others, but since all have a right to be treated equally...well, since I am somewhat mentally challenged myself I am unable to resolve this issue, which is perfectly fine since this issue certainly has a right to remain unsolved. But then...well, I fear I am speaking in a less-than-sensical manner and must get on with the story.
This acquaintance, whose name is Gandalf, was a wise wizard, which made him terribly more wisdom-and-magical-knowledge-enhanced than any hobbit, and most humans. But, of course, he was not superior in any way, since he had many defects in key areas, for example, he had brain damage and was unable to speak in a non-cryptical way. Thus, when told by a hobbit, shortly after entering the shire, that he was late, he answered thusly:
"A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to," which means nothing, of course.
Now Gandalf was on his way into the Greenery-Enhanced region of the Shire, and was pulling with him a cartload of fireworks. Now fireworks are indeed a very appropriate way to celebrate a happy time, although some of the different (but not unequal) people may object to the sound-enhanced bangs and the rather unpleasant (but not evil)-scented smoke, but those people certainly have every right to express their views, and I will not deny them that right.
At any rate, whether or not there were hobbits that appreciated fireworks, Gandalf proceeded into the Shire with his wagonload. He finally brought his hoofed companion to a halt in front of Bag End. Now some have questioned the meaning of this name. Bilbo himself, while on his earlier adventure, said to a scale-covered, kindness-impaired theiving reptilian person, "I come from the end of a bag." However, the home certainly looked nothing like a bag or the end of one, so we shall simply call it "Baggend". So, Gandalf stopped in front of Baggend.
Now there was a sign by the gate which said "I am not denying your right to enter my dwelling place whenever you wish to, but my rights are to say that I do not wish for any relatives, close or distant, or well-wishers on my front porch!"
Inside Baggend, Gandalf and Bilbo conversed while they sat on a chair, built for sitting, unlike windows, that should not be sat at, and whose misuses have led to many unfortunate accidents. They watched Bilbo's garden.
"Your garden looks just as bright as everyone else's!" said Gandalf
"Yes," said Bilbo "Through community service I help my neighbours to become happy and fulfilled, and thus, become happy and fulfilled myself. But I think I need a holiday."
"You will keep with the plan, then?"
"I will. And I will also enjoy myself on Thursday, I plan a little joke."
"A joke? I hope, that by playing this joke you will not infringe upon others' rights or end up damaging their self-esteem?"
"Not at all, dear Gandalf," Bilbo replied. "I have no such intention. Indeed, I have much more respect for my acquaintences than that. I am just going to give them a mild shock."
"And you won't end up damaging their health and landing them in the hospital?
"Of course not! Being the most wealth-enhanced hobbit in this the Shire, I must certainly set an example for my fellow man. In fact, this shock will almost certainly benefit them, because what with going to the pub every night and consuming alchoholic beverages and becoming intoxicated, their minds are becoming sharpeness-impaired, and I do think that a good shock will return the sharpness to their otherwise very good minds."
"Well, if you are convicted that is the right thing to do, then by all means proceed!" Gandalf said, with an air of enthusiasm. "But make sure that nothing you do is in any way lacking in respect for their personal rights."
Carts rolled up and down the hill, bringing a fair amount of much needed goods bought at a just price, like food, provisions, food, commodities and food. But certainly not luxuries, as they are superfluous and money shouldn't be spent on superfluous things, since money is very important.
Soon the neighbours were fairly enthusiastic about the party, but not, in any way, more enthusiastic about this party than other ones, since parties were born equal and must be treated equally. Soon, postmen brought invitations for everyone, and they politely, and happily responded, politely, with various polite variations of "Thanks, I'll be there."
Also, the thing was not exactly a party per se (it's very important to call things by their names), but actually many varied entertainments into one. No entertainment was forgotten, since they all, in their special way, bring joy and fulfilment into everybody's life.
One morning, the hobbits became sleep-deprived to find that a rather size-enhanced field was now covered with ropes, tents and pavilions, all for the purpose of saying "A very joy-enhanced day of birth celebration to Mr. Bilbo Baggins!" A special entrance had been cut into the bank leading to the road, and full-figured steps and size-enhanced Caucasian gate had been constructed there.
Now, Bilbo had living with him his sibling's male child, whose name was Frodo Baggins. Now Frodo had been the poor victim of a very unfortunate accident. His male parent, Drogo Baggins and female parent, Primula Brandybuck, had gone boating on the Brandywine River (which flowed through the small municipal area of Hobbiton) after the sun had gone down, which meant that the moon was out. Now Drogo was quite full-figured and very weight-enhanced, and on top of this he had just ingested an extraordinary amount of food at his company picnic. Which was not exactly a good thing, because the boat, despite being well-built, was not durability-enhanced enough to hold him up, and on top of that it was being treated in a manner which was inconsiderate of its personal rights. To put it in the hardness-enhanced covering of such fruits as the pecan or the walnut (I would say in a nutshell but I find such an expression offensive to the aforementioned fruits), the two were plunged into the watery depths and immediately became non-viable.
So Frodo had become parent-less, and so his good parent's sibling Bilbo had kindly taken him in. Now Frodo's good acquaintence (and Bilbo's) was the gardener, Samwise Gamgee. Samwise was certainly not unequal to any of the other folk in the Shire, but he had some unique and rather frowned-upon habits. He dressed in wear-enhanced jeans (which were also newness-impaired), wore a size-enhanced cowboy hat and talked with a southern drawl. He was one of the laid-back country folk, who drove chronologically-enhanced and shine-impaired pickup trucks, were noise-accomplished and needless to say irritated the neighbors very much. He also went out and murdered the nondomestic animals who lived in the Chronologically-Enhanced Arborous Area (which was also very light and goodness-impaired) with his double-barrel shotgun, which had prompted several neighbors to contact the authorities. However, since everyone has equal rights the authorities decided to let him be.
Besides this, Sam was not a bad person; as a matter of fact, he was very kindness-enhanced, and like many other hobbits he shared an affection for things that grow, which was why he was gardener. However, he also pulled weeds, which is not a benevolent thing since weeds are equal to the other garden plants and have the right to stay there. However, by being there they were infringing upon the rights of the other plants to grow, therefore Sam had to remove them and transplant them somewhere else. But weeds have a habit of growing where they are not supposed to, so eventually Sam tired of transplanting them and decided to infringe upon their rights to live, piled them up and set flames to them. But since Sam is not evil, we will not condemn him for this, merely we will say that he must certainly correct his mistake and use the color-deprived remains to fertilize the ground.
Now Sam was the male child of a certain Mr. Gaffer, who lived in Number 3 of Bagshot Row, which was located slightly to the downside of (but was not unequal to) Baggend. Both male parent and male child were on very good terms with Bilbo and Frodo (with Sam being the gardener and all) and therefore Sam, despite being one of the laid-back country folk spoke highly of Mr. Bilbo.
But there were several of the rather kindness-impaired families in the Shire, and among them were the Sackville-Baginsses. Now they were not bad people, they were rather aware of their rights to be treated equally. Therefore, they saw no reason why Mr. Bilbo had more money than any other hobbit in the Shire, and therefore they wished to spread it around equally. However, stealing is never a good thing, but they did not wish to steal but were waiting for Bilbo to become life-deprived so that they could take his money and give it to the other hobbits. But it is a rather cruel thing what they wanted, so we shall not speak overly highly of them. However, it is their right to be treated equally, so we will not speak too lowly of them either.
So, the night of the party came, and needless to say every persun was in good, high spirits. Gandalf, the strangeness-enhanced yet quite friendly chronologically-accomplished man, was lighting off his fireworks. There were all kinds but as I am a persun who is rather impaired in the area of work ethic, I have no desire to go and look them up in the book and then correct each and every name to make sure they are unoffensive. I will just say that there was a great diversity which appealed to everyone at the party (especially the minorities). Like I have mentioned, Gandalf was a wisdom-enhanced persun of wizardry and so it should come as no surprise that he had indeed given this careful thought beforehand.
So anyway everyone was having a very enlightened time and becoming very happiness-accomplished. The food was quite delectable (for Bilbo had a reputation for his enhanced skills at cooking) and the fireworks managed not to offend too many of the guests (those that were offended, in respect for their neighbors who found them enjoyable, brought their iPods so they could listen to their favorite bands and not have to hear the noise-accomplished pops and explosions). However, it was inevitable that Bilbo would give a rather lengthy after-dinner speech, and because it was so length-enhanced it had a tendency to bore a majority of the guests. However, since they held Mr. Bilbo in much respect and had no intention of depriving him of his rights to bore them to a state of non-viability, they sat with much patience and listened.