Darkness.
Fade into title.
The camera flies over a snowy mountain range.
Voice of Gandalf: IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA PASS, THEN YOU’RE SADLY FREAKIN’ MISTAKEN!!
Voice of Frodo: GANDALF!
Voice of Gandalf: I am Agent 008 of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor!
(pause)
Voice of Gandalf: Go back to the Shadow. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn!
The camera zooms through a crevice in a mountain. Inside, Gandalf is facing the Balrog.
Gandalf: You shall not freakin’ pass!
The Balrog takes out its whip. Gandalf slams his staff down on the bridge. There is a flash of light. The bridge breaks in half and the Balrog falls into the chasm. Gandalf pants and turns around. The Balrog’s whip flies around and grabs Gandalf by the leg. Gandalf is pulled down. He hangs onto the ledge.
Frodo: GANDALF!
Gandalf: Fly, you totally ridiculous fools!
Gandalf falls into the chasm.
Frodo: GAAAANDAAAALF!
The camera zooms down into the chasm after Gandalf. Gandalf grabs his sword out of the air and grabs onto the Balrog’s horn. He stabs the Balrog in the chest.
Gandalf: HAHAAA!! PWNAGE! I’ve played enough Warcraft to know how to take on giant flaming demons!
Gandalf stabs the Balrog some more. It grabs Gandalf and shrieks at him. The Balrog hits a stone ledge and shakes violently. Gandalf falls off, but gets back on the Balrog.
Gandalf (looking down): Oh. Crap. Like, REALLY crap.
The Balrog and Gandalf fall into a gigantic cave full of water. They hit the water.
Cut quickly to Frodo waking up.
Frodo (screaming like a small girl): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! GANDALF!!!
Sam wakes up.
Sam: What is it, Mr. Frodo? Did the spider come back?
Frodo (panting): No... I smashed that spider...
(pause)
Frodo: It was nothing... just a dream.
Cut to scene of Frodo and Sam climbing down a cliff.
Sam: Can you see the bottom?
Frodo: OF YOUR MOM!!! Hehehehe.
Sam: Shut up. No, really.
Frodo: No – don’t look down or you might wet yourself, which would suck ‘cuz I’m right under you, so, yeah...
Show the rope tied to a rock, creaking. Sam slips and a small box falls out of his pocket.
Sam: AAH! Catch it, Mr. Frodo!
Frodo reaches out and grabs the box. He slips and falls into a large cardboard box labelled “PILLOWS”. Frodo looks out of the box.
Frodo: I think I’ve found the bottom!
Sam (coming to the bottom): Bogs and rope, and goodness knows what. It’s not natural. None of it.
Frodo: What’s in the box? Pot?
Sam: Heh, I wish. Just a bit of seasoning. I thought maybe if we were starving and one of us had to eat the other, it would improve the taste.
Frodo (smiling): Cannibalism?
Sam: You never know.
Frodo: Sam. My dear Sam.
Sam: Don’t call me that, I get creeped out.
Frodo opens the box.
Sam: It’s very special, that. It’s the best Clubhouse Steak Seasoning Salt in all the Shire.
Frodo: Yeah. Sure, special. I guess it is a little bit of home though.
Sam: Yeah!
Frodo walks over to the rope.
Frodo: We can’t leave this here for someone to follow us down.
Sam: Who’s gonna follow us down here, Mr. Frodo? Michael Jackson?
Frodo (eyes huge): WE MUST TAKE THIS ROPE DOWN.
Sam: How?? It’s a shame, really. Lady Galadriel gave me that. Real Elvish rope. Well there’s nothing for it, it’s one of my knots. Won’t come free in a hurry.
Sam pulls on the rope. It falls down and the end hits him in the eye.
Frodo: LOL!
Sam (rubbing his eye): What’d you just say?
Cut to scene of Frodo and Sam climbing through a rocky area. They come over a rise to see red skies over Mordor.
Sam: Mordor. The one place in Middle-earth with skyrocketing gas prices, ridiculous health care, and no civil rights. And it’s the one place we’re trying to get to.
Frodo: The whole world is like that.
Sam: Yeah, but Mordor is ruled by a violent and hellishly powerful tyrant.
Frodo: Yeah, the whole world is li...
Sam: Let’s face it, Mr. Frodo. We’re lost. I don’t think Gandalf meant for us to come this way.
Frodo: He didn’t mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam... but they did.
Sam: Heh, you mean like when he got owned in the face by the big fiery thing?
Frodo picks up a rock and hurls it at Sam. It hits his stomach and he crouches over, coughing. Frodo looks off into the distance at Mordor. He begins to breathe heavily and he sees the Eye of Sauron. Frodo vomits immediately.
Sam (still coughing): Mr. Frodo?
(pause)
Sam: It’s the Ring, isn’t it?
Frodo: It’s getting heavier. Bigger, faster. Working harder makes me stronger.
(long pause)
Sam: Wait, what?
Frodo takes a drink of water.
Frodo: What food have we got left?
Sam: Let me see. Oh yes, lovely. Doritos. And look! MORE Doritos.
Frodo: What? That’s it?
Sam: I got some dill pickle dip too.
Frodo: Sam, what the f***? I thought we had a ton of Lembas bread? You only brought Doritos and chip dip?
Sam: Yeah, but it’s Sweet Chili Heat!
Frodo: Fine. Pass me a bag.
Sam tosses Frodo a chip bag.
Sam: I don’t usually hold with foreign food. But this Elvish stuff – it’s not bad.
Frodo: The elves don’t make Doritos, dumb***.
Cut to scene of Frodo and Sam covered in blankets in the pouring rain. A skinny hand grasps the rock ledge above them. There is a raspy breathing noise. A long string of drool drips from where the creature’s face would be. It lands on Frodo. Frodo looks around.
Cut to scene of Frodo and Sam hiking through a foggy patch of rock.
Sam: This looks strangely familiar.
Frodo: It’s because we’ve been here before. We’re going in circles! This is nothing like what I saw on Google Middle-earth.
Sam: What is that horrendous, foul, fetid, rank, putrid, dire, ghastly, squalid, disgusting, horrid stink?
Frodo: Smells like your mom’s tomato soup.
Sam: I warrant there’s a nasty bog nearby.
Frodo: Not clever enough to think of a comeback?
(pause)
Sam: Uh...
Frodo stares at Sam.
Sam: Umm...
(long pause)
Sam: Can you smell it?
Frodo (sighing): Yes, I can smell it.
Frodo turns and looks at Sam.
Frodo: We’re not alone.
Sam: YOUR MOM!! Yeah!
(long pause)
Frodo: Sam, you’re stupid as hell, you know that?
Cut to scene of Frodo and Sam sleeping in a rocky ravine. There is a raspy breathing noise as the camera slowly zooms down the ravine towards them. Gollum comes into view, crawling down the rock.
Gollum: The thieves. The thieves. The horrendous, foul, fetid, rank, putrid, dire, ghastly, squalid, disgusting, horrid little thieves. Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us. My precious. Curse them, we hates them! It’s ours, it is, and we wants it!
Sam farts in his sleep. Gollum gasps and runs back up the rock a ways. He pauses for a moment and crawls back down.
Gollum: And we wants it!
Frodo and Sam leap up and grab Gollum by the hands. They pull him off the rock. Gollum pushes Frodo and Sam off him. Gollum sees the Ring hanging on Frodo’s neck.
Gollum: YUMMAY!
Frodo tries to keep Gollum off as Gollum grasps for the Ring. Sam drags Gollum away, but Gollum slaps Sam in the face.
Frodo (smiling): SHOT DOWN!
Frodo stops smiling as Gollum tries to get the Ring again. Sam pulls Gollum off of Frodo. Gollum gets behind Sam and starts choking him. They fall onto the ground. Frodo pulls Sting out and points it at Gollum.
Frodo: This is Sting. You’ve seen it before – haven’t you, Gollum?
Gollum stares at Frodo.
Frodo: Release him, or I’ll pwn your face.
Gollum lets Sam go and starts whining.
Cut to scene of Frodo and Sam walking through some mountains. Sam has tethered Gollum to the Elvish rope.
Gollum: It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty elves twisted it. Take it off us! We’ll give you money! MOOONEYY!!!
Sam: How much?
Frodo: SAM!
Sam: I mean – quiet, you!
Gollum does a strange dance.
Gollum: IT’S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!
Sam: It’s hopeless. Every orc in Mordor’s going to hear this racket. Let’s just tie him up and leave him.
Gollum: NOES! NOES! NOOOES!! That would kill us. Kill us!
Sam: Exactly!
Gollum writhes around on the ground and hums an unintelligible song.
Frodo: Maybe he does deserve to die. But now that I see him, I do pity him.
Gollum: We be nice to them if they be nice to us.
Gollum holds the rope.
Gollum: Take it off us!
Frodo and Sam stare at Gollum.
Gollum: We swears to do what you wants. We swears!
Frodo: There’s no promise you can make that I can trust.
Gollum: We swears to serve the master of the precious. We will swear on... on... the precious! KGHOULLLUM. KGHKHOLLUUMM.
Gollum coughs up a hairball.
Sam: Eww... that’s nasty dude.
Frodo: The Ring is treacherous. It will hold you to your word.
Gollum: Yes... on the precious. On the precious.
Sam (lunging forward): I don’t believe you!
Gollum leaps backwards onto a rock.
Sam (tugging at the rope): Get down, I tells you! Get down!
Gollum climbs back up onto the rock.
Sam (pulling Gollum off): Get down, I says! Get down!
Gollum climbs back up onto the rock.
Frodo: Sam!
Sam: He’s trying to trick us! He thinks I’m a fat stupid fool!
Frodo: But you are a...
Sam: If we let him go, he’ll throttle us in our sleep.
Frodo approaches Gollum.
Frodo: You know the way to Mordor?
Gollum: Yes...
Frodo: You’ve been there before?
Gollum: Yeah... nice place, it is.
Frodo takes the rope off Gollum.
Frodo: You will lead us to the Black Gate.
Gollum: Actually, it’s called the Black Gate of Mind-blowing Pain and Unavoidable Doom.
Sam stares into space with a concerned look on his face.
Cut to scene of Gollum running through a winding, rocky path.
Gollum: To the Gate, to the Gate! To the Gate, the master says. Yes! No. We won’t go back. Not there. Not to him. They can’t make us! Gollum! Gollum!
Gollum coughs up a hairball.
Sam: Next time he does that, I’m pushing him off a cliff.
Gollum: But we swore to serve the master of the precious. No! Ashes and dust and thirst there is, and pits, pits, pits, pits, pits, pits pits pits pits. And orcses, thousands of orcses. And always the Great Eye, watching, watching.
Gollum turns toward Sam and Frodo and blows a raspberry. He runs away.
Sam: Hey! Come back now! Come back! Come back, you ridiculous fool! Come back! COME BACK!!! There, what did I tell you?
Frodo: That you’d push him off a cliff next time he hacked up a hairball?
Sam: Yeah. But he’s run off, the old villain. So much for his promises.
Gollum appears behind a rock.
Gollum: This way, hobbits. Follow me.
Cut to scene of uruk-hai running though a ravine. Merry and Pippin are hanging onto the backs of two uruk-hai. Merry has a wound on his head and seems to be unconscious.
Pippin: Merry! Merry! Merry! Merry! Wake up! Merry! Hey Merry! Hey Merry! Merry! Merry! Merry! Merry! Hey Merry! Wake up Merry! Merry!
Uruk-hai 1: WILL YOU SHUT THE F*** UP?!!
Pippin: Go f*** yourself, ***hole!
Uruk-hai 1: F*** YOU!!
Uruk-hai 2: Now now, watch the language. There’s no reason we can’t get along.
Uruk-hai 1: F*** YOU!!
Uruk-hai 2: WHAT?!! SHUT THE F*** UP, B****!!
Uruk-hai 2 slices the uruk-hai 1’s head off.
Uruk-hai 2: Now everyone behave, or we’re turning this army around and going right back where we came from.
A leading uruk-hai halts the rest of the group. A small group of orcs walk out from behind a rock.
Grishnakh: You’re late. Our master grows impatient. He wants the Shire-rats, now!
Leader uruk-hai 1: I don’t take orders from orc-maggots. As far as I’m concerned, you can turn around, walk a few hundred miles, and tell Saruman to bite me.
Grishnakh gasps. Leader uruk-hai 2 nudges Leader uruk-hai 1.
Leader uruk-hai 1: Uh... Saruman will have his prize. We – will – deliver - them – b****. Grrr.
Leader uruk-hai 1 turns around and walks away. Grishnakh slobbers at Leader uruk-hai 2.
Cut to Merry and Pippin.
Pippin: Merry! Merry, wake up!
Pippin looks at a nearby uruk-hai drinking Gatorade.
Pippin: My friend is sick.
The uruk-hai turns to Pippin and growls.
Pippin: He needs Gatorade. Please!
Leader uruk-hai 1: Sick, is he? Give him some medicine, boys!
The uruk-hai pours thick purple Gatorade into Merry’s mouth.
Pippin: SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!! FIERCE GRAPE?! STOP IT! STOP IT!!
Merry chokes.
Leader uruk-hai 1: Can’t take his draught! AHAHAH!
Pippin: Leave him alone!
Leader uruk-hai 1: Why? You want some? Huh?
Pippin: No. NOOO!
Leader uruk-hai 1: Then keep your mouth SHUT.
Pippin: Merry.
Merry: Sup, Pip.
Pippin: You’re hurt. You’ve got a brutal gash on your head and you’ve just been forced to drink Fierce Grape Gatorade.
Merry: WHAT?
Merry vomits on the back of the uruk-hai that is carrying him.
Uruk-hai: ACKKH! Sick o’ this crap...
Merry: I’m fine. It was just an act.
Pippin: An act?
Merry: See? Fooled you too. Heheheh. Heheh.
Merry vomits again.
Merry (as the uruk-hai gives him to another uruk-hai): Don’t worry about me, Pippin.
Leader uruk-hai 2 sniffs the air.
Leader uruk-hai 1: What is it? What do you smell?
Leader uruk-hai 2: Your mom. I mean man flesh.
Leader uruk-hai 1 (looking around): They’ve picked up our trail.
Pippin (to himself): Aragorn...
Leader uruk-hai 1: Let’s move, suckas!
Pippin rips his leaf brooch off with his mouth and spits it on the ground. Several uruk-hai step on it. One uruk-hai trips and falls on it. The brooch sticks in his forehead.
Pippin: Ah crap.
Uruk-hai 1: AHHHH!!!! RRRGHGHGH!!! SONUVA...
Uruk-hai 2: Oh wow, that looks painful.
Uruk-hai 1: IT IS! IT IS!!!
Uruk-hai 2 yanks the brooch out and tosses it on the ground. Uruk-hai 1 shouts in pain and punches uruk-hai 2 in the face.
Cut to scene of Aragorn lying on a rocky surface with his eyes closed. He is snoring.
Legolas: ARAGORN!
Aragorn gets up and yawns.
Aragorn: What?
Legolas: Were you... sleeping?
Aragorn: Uh, yeah.
Legolas: You were supposed to be listening for footsteps.
Aragorn: Oh.
(pause)
Legolas: DO IT!
Aragorn looks startled. He puts his ear to the ground.
Aragorn: Their pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent. HURRY!
Legolas: Hurry? This is coming from a guy who fell asleep the first time he tried listening for footsteps.
Aragorn: What? I’m super tired.
Legolas: Come on, Gimli!
Gimli is walking slowly up a rocky slope, panting.
Gimli: Three days and nights pursuit. No food. No rest. No bathroom breaks. No Internet access. No cell phone reception. And no sign of our quarry, but what bare rock can tell.
Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli run along a rocky ridge for a while. They come to the ravine where the uruk-hai group was. Aragorn picks up Pippin’s brooch.
Aragorn: Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.
Legolas: They may yet be alive.
Aragorn: Less than a day ahead of us. Come.
Gimli falls off a short cliff and lands in front of Aragorn.
Gimli (groaning): SONUVABIT...
Aragorn: Y’know, if you really need a water break or somethin’, I guess we could stop for a couple minutes.
Gimli: No! No stopping! This is for the hobbits! The hobbits that probably have already been disembowelled and eaten by orcs!
(pause)
Gimli: Yeah, let’s take a break. Got any water?
Cut to Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas coming over a rise to see a large, rocky plain.
Aragorn: Rohan. Home of the Weasel-lords. There’s something strange at work here.
Legolas: Wait, what? Weasel-lords?
Aragorn: Is that what I said?
Gimli: Yeah.
Aragorn: I meant to say Horse-lords. Anyway, some evil gives speed to these creatures. Sets its will against us.
Legolas runs ahead of Gimli and Aragorn.
Aragorn: Legolas!
Gimli: Aragorn!
Aragorn: Gimli?
Legolas: Aragorn?
Gimli: Legolas!
Legolas: What?
Aragorn: What do your elf-eyes see?
Legolas: The uruks turn northeast. They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard! To Isengard! To Isengard! They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!
Aragorn: Jesus. Here he goes.
Cut to scene of Isengard. Saruman is in his tower, with his hand over the Palantir.
Saruman’s voice: The world is changing. Who now has the strength to stand against the armies of Isengard... and Mordor?
The camera zooms inside the Palantir to show the towers of Mordor.
Saruman: To stand against the might of Sauron and Saruman... and the union of the two towers? Together, my lord Sauron... we shall pwn... all... noobs.
Dark and dramatic music plays as the camera rises up to show the Eye of Sauron.
Cut to scene of uruk-hai and orcs chopping down trees at night. The trees are pushed into the pits surrounding Orthanc.
Saruman’s voice: The old world will burn in the fires of industry. The forests will fall.
A hippie dwarf is standing at the edge of one of the pits.
Hippie dwarf: These corporations, man! Look what they’re doin’!
An uruk-hai pushes the hippie dwarf into the pit.
Saruman’s voice: A new order will rise. We will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fists of the orc.
An orc pulls an uruk-hai out of a pool of muck. Another orc checks over a new uruk-hai.
Orc: Mmm... Saruman!
Saruman: What is it?
Orc: This one’s got, like, a zit or something.
Saruman (looking at the uruk-hai’s face): Really? Where?
Orc: Right there.
Saruman: Simply won’t do. Burn him.
Saruman leaves. The orc leads the uruk-hai over to a fire pit.
Orc: Sorry, bud.
The uruk-hai grabs the orc and tosses him in the fire.
Uruk-hai: Ahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHA!
Cut to Saruman standing on a wooden structure overlooking a pit.
Saruman: I want them armed and ready to march within two weeks.
Orc: But my lord, there are too many! They cannot all be armed in time, we don’t have the means.
Saruman: Build a dam, block the stream, work the furnaces night and day.
Orc: Can I have a raise then?
Saruman: ...Maybe.
Orc: But we don’t have enough fuel to feed the fires.
Saruman: The Forest of Fangorn lies on our doorstep. Burn it!
Orc: What about the hippies?
Saruman: Burn them too!
The orc looks startled.
Cut to Saruman sitting in his throne inside Orthanc. A man is standing before him.
Man: We will fight for you.
Saruman: Swear it.
The man pulls out a knife. He puts it on his hand.
Man: Rrgh...
The man takes the knife off his hand. He breathes heavily, then puts the knife back on his palm. He takes it off again, and turns around, breathing heavily and swinging his arms.
Saruman: What, do I have to do it for you?
Man: Naw. Naw, I can – I can do this.
The man puts the knife on his hand.
Man: How ‘bout I just swear on... my mother or something?
Saruman: BE A MAN!
Man (whimpering and swinging his arms again): Mmmmm... ooh...
The man quickly runs the knife over his hand. A drop of blood falls from it.
Man: I DID IT! I DID IT! We will... die for... Saruman...
The man passes out and falls onto the floor.
Cut to scene of an army of men in Isengard.
Saruman: The Weasel-men took your lands! They drove your people into the hills to scratch a living off rocks!
Man: MURDERERS!
Saruman: Whoa there, that’s a strong word. But anyhow, take back the lands they stole from you. Burn every village!
Saruman’s voice: We have only to remove those who oppose us. It will begin in Rohan.
Cut to scene of the armies of Isengard running through the plains of Rohan. The villagers begin running away.
Saruman: Too long have these peasants stood against you. But no more. And now for a word from our sponsor.
Man’s voice: For a limited time, you can buy the original Cinderella Collector’s Edition DVD for only $29.99, exclusively at Wal-Mart.
Saruman’s voice: For god’s sake. Get the hell out of here.
Man’s voice: But – you said – from your sponsor...
Saruman’s voice: You’re not our sponsor. Limbsaw Industrial Weaponry is our sponsor.
Man’s voice: Did you know that you can buy a limited edition replica of the Witch-King’s blade now at Wal-Mart for only...
Saruman’s voice: I said GET THE HELL OUT.
A woman in Rohan is loading bags onto a horse.
Woman: Eothain! Eothain! You take your sister. You’ll go faster with just two.
Freda: Papa says Eothain must not ride Garulf! He’s not cool enough for him.
Woman: Eothain is an Uber Cool Dude. He’s got a license to show it.
Eothain: Mum... I’m sorry, I lied about having the license.
Woman: Oh... um – I suppose we should pick another horse.
Eothain: I’m still cool! I’m real cool!
Woman: Okay, fine. You must ride to Edoras and raise the alarm. Do you understand?
Eothain: I don’t get it.
Woman: Ride to Edoras... and raise the alarm.
Eothain: What – what do you mean, raise the alarm?
Woman: Tell them that the orcs are coming.
Eothain: Tell who? What orcs?
Woman: Just shut up and get out.
Eothain and Freda ride away.
Cut to the uruk-hai burning and massacring the Rohan villages.
Saruman’s voice: Rohan, my lord... is ready to fall.
Cut to scene of a riverbank. It is dark and raining. There are many dead orcs, men, and horses. Eomer and a group of horsemen appear.
Eomer: Theodred. Find the king’s son!
The men search through the corpses.
Man: Korea will pay for this.
Eomer (kicking over a dead orc, who has the White Hand on its helmet): These orcs are not from... what, Korea?! What the f...
Man: My lord Eomer, over here! I found some Hubba Bubba! It was in this dead guy’s pocket! And I think the dead guy is Theodred! Want some gum?
Eomer runs over to the river’s edge and turns over the body of Theodred.
Eomer: Multiple stab wounds, an arrow to the braincase, several facial lacerations, internal hemorrhaging, crushed arm, broken nose.
Man: Want some gum?
Eomer: ...He’s alive.
Cut to Eomer and his men transporting Theodred to Rohan. They arrive at Edoras. Eowyn runs up the stairs and into the hall. Inside, she opens a bedroom door, where Theodred is lying on a bed.
Eowyn (happily): Theodred! Whassup man!
Eowyn runs over to Theodred and punches his shoulder. She sits on the bed, bouncing Theodred up and down.
Eomer: You DO know he’s almost dead, right?
Eowyn: What?! He owed me twenty bucks!!
Eowyn and Eomer walk out into the hall to speak to Theoden.
Eowyn: Your son is badly wounded, my lord.
Eomer: He was ambushed by orcs. The rest of his party was fried and eaten messily.
Eowyn: What?? Really?
Eomer (whispering to Eowyn): No, I’m just trying to make the story more interesting.
Eomer resumes talking to Theoden.
Eomer: If we don’t defend our country, Saruman will take it by force.
Wormtongue: That is a lie!
Eomer (pointing): YOU!
Wormtongue: Yes, it is me! Saruman has ever been our friend and ally.
Eowyn: He’s sending troops of bloodthirsty orcs into our land to massacre our people and burn our villages? But he’s our friend?
Wormtongue: That’s right!
Theoden (quietly): Grima... Grima...
Eomer: Orcs are roaming freely across our lands. Unchecked. Unchallenged. Killing at will, like some sick little kid playing Halo with too many cheat codes on. Orcs bearing the White Hand of Saruman.
Eomer drops a helmet onto the floor with the White Hand on it. The helmet rolls onto its top.
Eomer (moving the helmet with his foot to show the White Hand): Uh...
The helmet rolls onto its front. Eomer bends down and places it so the White Hand is visible.
Eomer: There we go.
(pause)
Wormtongue: Why do you lay these troubles on an already troubled mind? Can you not see – your uncle is wearied by your... malcontent. Your warmongering. Your... fat***edness.
Eomer (angered): Fat***edness?!
Eomer grabs Wormtongue and forces him against a wall.
Eomer: How long is it since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price, Grima?
Wormtongue: A great dental pla...
Eomer: When all the men are dead, you will take your share of the treasure?
Wormtongue looks at Eowyn. Eowyn looks at Wormtongue.
(long pause)
Eowyn: BOO!
Wormtongue shakes violently.
Eomer: Too long have you watched my sister. Too long have you haunted her steps, you disgusting little creep.
A group of men approach Eomer from behind and pull him away from Wormtongue.
Wormtongue: You see much, Eomer, son of Eomund, son of Eodude. Too much.
One of the men smacks Eomer in the stomach. Eomer vomits everywhere.
Wormtongue: Ew. Where was I?
Man: You were banishing Eomer.
Eomer: WHAT?!
Eomer vomits again.
Wormtongue: Um... you are banished forthwith from the kingdom of Rohan and all its domains under pain of death.
Eomer: You have no authority here. Your orders mean nothing.
Wormtongue: This order does not come from me. It comes from your mom.
Eomer: No. NOOOOO!!
Wormtongue (holding up a document): She signed it this morning.
Eomer: HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME, MOTHER!!!
Wormtongue (pointing to Theoden): Just kidding, it was him.
Eomer: HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ME, MY KING!!!
The men take Eomer away.
Cut to alternating shots of Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas and the uruk-hai party running across the plains of Rohan.
Gimli: Keep breathing. That’s the key. Breathe. Omg. Zomfg.
Legolas: They’ve run as if their very ex-wives were behind them.
Cut to a night scene of the uruk-hai party stopping at a forest’s edge.
Orc: We’re not going no further... ‘til we’ve had a breather!
Leader uruk-hai: Get a fire going!
Numerous orcs head into the woods and start chopping wood off trees. Pippin crawls over to Merry.
Pippin: Merry! Merry!
Merry: I think we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin.
Pippin: You kiddin’ me? This is great! Being outdoors, getting some fresh air, goin’ on a little adventure...
As the orcs chop at the trees, a groaning noise comes from the forest.
Pippin: What’s making that noise?
Merry: It’s the trees.
Pippin: What?
Merry: It’s the trees.
Pippin: What?
Merry: It’s the trees.
Pippin: What?
Merry: You remember the old forest, on the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say there was something in the water that made the trees grow tall... and come alive.
Pippin: Alive?
Merry: Alive.
Pippin: Alive?
Merry: Trees that could whisper... talk to each other... even move.
Pippin: Like Transformers?
Merry: Uh... yeah, sure. Like Transformers.
Uruk-hai: I’m starvin’. We aint’ had nothing but stale, dry Cap’n Crunch for three stinkin’ days!
Orc: CHYEAH! Why can’t we have some meat?!
The orc looks at Merry and Pippin.
Orc: What ‘bout them? They’re fresh, juicy, organic, and free-run. Shade-grown. Low fat. Bird-friendly. Fair trade.
Leader uruk-hai: No. Stay, boy. Not for eating.
Grishnakh: What about their legs? They don’t need those.
Pippin: NOT MY BEAUTIFUL, SEXY LEGS!!
Grishnakh (moving forward): Ooh, they look tasty.
Leader uruk-hai: Get back, damn dirty orc! The prisoners go to Saruman, alive and unspoiled.
Grishnakh: Alive? Why alive? Do they give good sport?
Grishnakh slobbers everywhere.
Merry: WTF?
Leader uruk-hai: They have something. An Elvish weapon. The master wants it for the war.
Pippin (whispering to Merry): They think we have a nuke.
Merry: Shh. Not a nuke, the Ring. And as soon as they find out we don’t, we’re dead.
Orc (raising sword): Just a mouthful. A bit of the flank.
Leader uruk-hai slices off the orc’s head. It lands in Merry’s hands. The body of the orc falls to the ground.
Leader uruk-hai: Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!
The uruk-hai cheer. They begin singing and dancing with each other. Some of them crowd around the orc’s body and start eating it. They toss the organs onto Merry. An uruk-hai grabs the severed orc head from Merry and eats its brains.
Merry (as Pippin wipes the entrails off him): I was saving that!
Uruk-hai: Tough s***, midget-boy.
Merry: Pippin! Let’s go!
Merry and Pippin crawl away. Grishnakh steps on Pippin’s back.
Grishnakh: Go on. Call for help. Squeal. No one’s gonna save you now.
Merry takes a cell phone out of Grishnakh’s pocket. He dials a number as Grishnakh and Pippin stare at him.
Merry: Hello, police? Yeah, my friend’s getting death threats from this orc. Yeah. Oh, it’s not illegal for them to do that? Oh. Okay. Well, thanks anyway. Bye.
Merry ends the call and puts the cell phone back in Grishnakh’s pocket.
Merry (frowning): Hmm.
A spear flies through the air and pierces Grishnakh in the back, who screeches and falls onto the ground. A group of horsemen come out of the darkness and begin slaughtering orcs.
Merry: Pippin!
A horse rears up above Pippin. Pippin screams and the horse lands, seemingly on top of him.
Cut to Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli.
Legolas: A sickly green sun rises. Guts have been spilled this night.
Aragorn turns his head as he hears horses running. He runs behind a rock with Gimli and Legolas. As a large group of horsemen rides past, Aragorn moves out.
Aragorn: Hey guys! What news from the Mark?
The horsemen surround Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, and lower their spears.
Eomer: What business does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?
(pause)
Eomer: ANSWER ME! PUNK KIDS!
Gimli: Give me your name, horse-master, and I shall give you mine.
Eomer glares at Gimli, gets off his horse, and walks toward him.
Eomer: Do you know who you’re messin’ with, punk kid?!
Gimli: Do YOU know who YOU’RE messin’ with, Weasel-man?
Eomer: I would cut off your head, punk kid, if it stood but a little higher from the ground.
Legolas (furiously, readying an arrow and pointing it at Eomer): OOH! WHY, I OUGHTA...
Gimli: Well said.
Aragorn pushes Legolas’s bow down.
Aragorn: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Groin, I mean Gloin, and Legolas of the Woodland Realm. We are friends of Rohan, and of Theoden, your king.
Eomer: Theoden no longer recognizes friend from foe. Not even his own kin. Saruman has poisoned the mind of the king and claimed lordship over these lands.
Aragorn: HE CAN’T DO THAT!
Eomer: I KNOW, RIGHT!! My company are those loyal to Rohan. And for that, we are banished.
Aragorn: HE CAN’T DO THAT!
Eomer: I KNOW, RIGHT!! The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there, they say... as an old man hooded and cloaked. An everywhere, his spies slip past our nets.
Aragorn: HE CAN’T DO THAT!
Eomer: I KNOW, RIGHT!!
Aragorn: We are no spies. We track a party of uruk-hai westward across the plain. They have taken two of our friends captive. Totally sucks, man.
Eomer: The uruks are destroyed, we slaughtered them during the night.
Gimli: But there were two hobbits. Did you see two hobbits with them?
Aragorn: They would be small. Like, midgets.
Eomer: We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them.
Eomer points to a smoking pile on the horizon.
Gimli: Dead? YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
Legolas: I KNOW, RIGHT!!
Eomer: I am sorry.
Eomer whistles.
Eomer: Falafel! Arid!
Two horses come to Eomer.
Eomer: May these horses bear you to better fortune than their former masters. See ya.
Aragorn and Legolas inspect the horses.
Eomer: Look for your friends. But do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands. We ride north!
Eomer begins riding his horse in one direction, while the rest of his men ride the opposite way.
Eomer: North is this way, isn’t it?
Man: No. This way.
Eomer (embarrassed, riding back to his teammates): Oh, heh. Yeah. Sorry, just kinda... um...
Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli ride up to the pile of dead orcs. There is a severed uruk-hai head with a huge smile on its face impaled on a spear.
Gimli sifts through the orc carcasses and picks out a belt.
Gimli: It’s one of their wee belts. Which, I might add, would look hot on a chick elf.
Legolas: Yeah, it would.
Aragorn kicks an orc helmet angrily.
Aragorn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
Aragorn picks up an AK-47 and fires the entire clip into the air.
Aragorn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Aragorn picks up a burned uruk-hai body and punches it. He falls down on his knees.
Aragorn: DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
Gimli: We failed them.
Aragorn looks down at the ground. There is a large pool of slobber.
Aragorn: A hobbit lay here.
Aragorn examines a second pool of slobber.
Aragorn: And the other.
Cut to Pippin rolling out from under the rearing horse from the previous scene.
Aragorn: They crawled.
Pippin crawls along the ground.
Aragorn (picking up a rope): Their hands were bound... their bonds were cut...
Pippin rubs the ropes on his hands on an axe. He cuts his wrist.
Pippin: AHH!!
Pippin gets the ropes off and clutches his wrist. An orc runs up to him.
Orc: EEEMOOO!!
The orc gets his head chopped off and falls down on the ground. Merry and Pippin stand up and begin to run away.
Pippin: LET’S BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND!
Merry and Pippin run under a horse and dodge a few falling orcs.
Aragorn: They ran over here. They were followed.
Legolas: Creeeepy.
Grishnakh, crawling on the ground, grabs Merry by the belt.
Merry: HEY! I could get you busted for sexual harassment!
Merry takes off his belt and runs away with Pippin. Grishnakh crawls after them.
Aragorn: Tracks lead away from the battle...
Merry and Pippin run into the forest.
Aragorn: ...Into Fangorn Forest.
Gimli: Fangorn... what madness drove them in there?
Legolas (sarcastically): MAYBE a ravenous party of orcs and a rampaging group of horsemen on a killing spree!
The camera pans into Fangorn Forest and shows Merry and Pippin running through it at night. They run for a while and then get down on the ground.
Pippin (looking around): Did we lose him? I think we lost him.
Merry (yelling): HEY! HEY!! ORC GUY! ARE YA STILL HERE?!
Pippin covers his face with his hands. Grishnakh spots the two hobbits.
Grishnakh: I’m gonna rip out your filthy little innards! Pound them with half a tablespoon of cayenne powder and a quarter of a teaspoon of pepper! Lay ‘em out on a lightly greased 9 by 12 pan, and broil them under low heat for half an hour, rotating every 5 minutes! Serve ‘em with a cool ranch or blue cheese dip!
Merry looks at Pippin, who is writing the recipe on a notepad.
Pippin: Wait – did he say OUR innards?
Merry: Yeah.
Pippin quickly puts the notepad in his pocket and runs away with Merry.
Grishnakh: Come here!
Merry and Pippin run around in fear.
Merry: Trees. Climb a tree.
Pippin: Why?
Merry: It’ll be fun.
Merry and Pippin climb up into a tree. Merry looks around.
Merry: He’s gone.
Grishnakh grabs Merry by the ankle and pulls him out of the tree. Merry kicks Grishnakh in the face. Grishnakh flies backwards and hits the tree violently.
Merry: Whoa, sweet!
Grishnakh leaps onto Merry as Merry struggles to get away.
Pippin: Merry!!
Two yellow eyes open on the tree that Pippin is hanging onto. Pippin glances at the tree, then back at Merry.
Pippin (eyes wide): Whoa. That was... trippy?
The tree opens its mouth and groans. Pippin looks at the tree again and gasps. He lets go and falls off, but the tree reaches out with a hand and catches him.
Grishnakh: Let’s put a maggot hole in your belly!
Merry: That’s GROSS!
Merry looks up with wide eyes at the tree, which is lifting its leg up over Grishnakh. Grishnakh pauses and looks behind him.
Grishnakh: Gawd, trees these days...
Treebeard steps on Grishnakh and crushes him. A huge amount of blood and flesh sprays out from under Treebeard’s foot, covering Merry.
Pippin: Wipe it off, Merry!
Treebeard picks up Merry and looks at the two hobbits in his hands.
(long pause, dramatic music)
Treebeard: Hi guys.
Pippin: It’s talking, Merry. The tree is talking.
Treebeard: Tree?! I am no tree. I am an ent.
Merry: A tree-cop. The fuzz of the forest!
Pippin: Don’t talk to it, Merry. Don’t encourage it!
Treebeard: Megatron, some call me. But mostly tiny pathetic noobs with eroded brain stems. Some people call me the space cowboy, and some people call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice. But Treebeard is my real name.
Pippin: And... whose side are you on?
Treebeard: The Soviets.
Merry: What?!
Treebeard: I kid, I kid. I am on nobody’s side, because nobody is on my side, little teenager. Nobody cares for the woods anymore.
Merry: We’re not teenagers! We’re hobbits!
Treebeard: Hobbit? Hmm... never heard of a hobbit before. Sounds like teenager mischief to me!
Treebeard tightens his grip on the hobbits.
Treebeard (angrily): They come with music. They come with booze. Shouting, drinking, snorting, swearing, dancing! Destroyers and usurpers! Curse them!
Merry: No! You don’t understand! We’re hobbits! Halflings! Shire-folk! Hairy midgets!
Treebeard: Maybe you are, and maybe you aren’t. The White Wizard will know.
Pippin: The White Wizard?
Merry: My grandpa.
Pippin: SWEET JESUS! NOOOO!!!
Merry: No wait... Saruman!
Pippin: Oh. That’s not as bad...
Treebeard drops Merry and Pippin onto the forest floor. They gaze up at what is seemingly Saruman.
Cut to scene of Gollum, Frodo, and Sam walking through a rocky passage. Gollum climbs up onto a rock.
Gollum: See? See? We’ve led you out. Hurry, hobbitses, hurry!
Frodo and Sam climb up to see a way out of the mountains.
Gollum: Now you owes us twenty bucks.
Frodo: That wasn’t part of the deal.
Gollum (disappointed): What?!
Cut to Sam stepping into a murky puddle.
Sam (screaming): AAAHH!! OHMIGOD!!
Frodo: What? What is it?!
Sam: It’s a bog! He’s led us into a swamp!
Frodo (nodding slowly): Yess... and?
Sam: A SWAMP!! A SWAMP I TELLS YOU!!!
Frodo (sighing): Yes. It is a swamp.
Gollum: A swamp, yes, yes. Come, master, we will take you on a creepy and kooky adventure for the whole family. Come, hobbits, come! We go quickly.
Cut to a long shot of the Dead Marshes.
Gollum: I found it. I did. The way through the marshes. Orcs don’t use it. Orcs don’t know it. They go around for miles and miles. Come quickly. Soft and quick as shadows we must be.
The camera zooms in to show a long, straight, paved road through the marsh. Along the side of the road is a booth that reads “Visitor Information”.
Cut to Frodo and Sam sitting down in the marsh.
Sam: I hate this place. It’s too quiet. Hasn’t been sight nor sound of a tourist for two days.
Gollum: No, no tourists to eat. No crunchable tourists. We are famished! Yes! Famished we are, precious!
Gollum sees something on the ground. He picks up a worm.
Worm: No! Don’t eat me! If you do, you’ll live with a terrible curse th...
Gollum pops the worm into his mouth and swallows it.
Frodo (tossing Gollum a Dorito): Here.
Gollum: What does it eats? Is it – tasty??
Gollum pops the Dorito in his mouth. He gags and coughs.
Gollum: It tries to burns us! Sweet Chili Heat?! We can’t eats spicy hobbit food! We must starve!!
Sam: Well, starve then. And good riddance.
Gollum: Oh, cruel hobbit. It does not care if we be hungry. It does not care if we should die!
Frodo: We should’ve saved the Sour Cream and Onion chips for now.
Gollum (crawling towards Frodo): Not like master... master cares. Master knows. Yes. Precious.
Frodo slowly clutches the Ring.
Gollum (reaching for the Ring): Once it takes hold of us... it never lets go.
Frodo (defensively): Don’t molest me!
Gollum (recoiling): What?! We does not try to... wh... what?!!
Cut to Frodo, Sam, and Gollum walking through the marshes. Sam sees dead, blackened birds and fish in the water.
Sam: There are dead things! Dead birds and fish in the water! Covered in oil!
Gollum: All dead. All rotten. Troutses and duckses and geeses. A great oil spill long ago.
Sam: And there are dead people too!
Gollum: A great battle between Esso and Greenpeace long ago. The Dead Marshes. Yes, yes. That is their name. This way. Don’t follow the lights.
Frodo: I CAN SEE THE LIGHT!
Gollum: DON’T follow the lights.
Frodo walks toward a lamp post.
Frodo: I CAN STILL SEE THE LIGHT!
Frodo walks straight into the lamp post.
Frodo (clutching his face): OWW! SONUVA...
Gollum: DON’T FOLLOW THE LIGHTS.
Sam stumbles into the water.
Gollum: Careful now! Or hobbits go down to join the dead ones and build little lamp posts of their own.
Frodo slowly strays away from the path. He approaches a dead body in the water.
Frodo: Zzzzzoommmmbies. Zzzzzzzzzzoooommmbies.
Frodo sways dizzily.
Sam: Frodo! Noooo! The zombies aren’t your friends! They want to eat your brain!
The dead body opens its eyes. Frodo falls forward into the water. Several corpselike ghosts swim towards Frodo underwater.
Ghost (singing): All we wanna do is eat your brains...
Gollum’s hand reaches into the water and pulls Frodo out.
Frodo (screaming): ZOMBIES!! ZOMBIES!!! GOLLUM!!
Gollum: Don’t f...
Frodo: ZOOOOMBIIIIES!
Gollum: Don’t...
Frodo: ZZZOOOOOOMMMBIIIESSS!
Gollum slaps Frodo across the face.
Gollum: Don’t follow the lights.
Frodo: Wh... what??
Gollum: STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHTS.
Frodo: It was a zombie, not a light.
Gollum (angrily): FINE! Stay away from the zombies! And the lights!
Cut to Frodo and Sam lying down in the marsh at night. Sam is sleeping, and Frodo is lovingly stroking the Ring.
Gollum: So bright...
Frodo quickly puts the Ring away.
Gollum: So beautiful... so sexy... our precious.
Frodo: What did you say?
Gollum: Master should be resting. Master needs to keep up his strength.
Frodo gets up.
Frodo: Who are you?
Gollum: You forgot who we are already? KHHHOOLLLUM. HHHKHHOLLUMM.
Gollum spits up a hairball.
Frodo: Gandalf told me you were one of the river-folk.
Gollum: Cold be heart and hand and bone, cold be travelers far from home.
Frodo: He said your life was a sad story.
Gollum: I’m’a buy you a drank!
Frodo: You were not so very different from a hobbit once. Were you... Sh**head.
Gollum: What did you call me?
Frodo: That was your name once... wasn’t it? A long time ago.
As the camera faces Gollum, the scene fades to a flashback. A young Smeagol is being bullied in a schoolyard.
Hobbit kid: Hey Sh**head!
Smeagol leaps forward and bites the kid’s finger off. The scene fades back to Gollum.
Gollum: Good times.
Frodo: Wait, no... Smeagol! That’s it!
Gollum (shocked): Wh... what did you call me?
Frodo: That was your real name once.
Gollum: My name... my name... S... Smeagol.
A Nazgul shriek echoes through the marshes. Sam wakes up.
Sam: Black Riders!
Gollum: Hide! Hide!
Frodo: You guys are so racist!
Frodo suddenly clutches his chest as the Nazgul screams again.
Frodo: AHH! ARGH!! Aw damn, these guys!
Sam (dragging Frodo under a large bush): Come on, Frodo. Come on!
Gollum: Quick! They will see us! They will see us! Steal our money! Burn our houses! Eat our children! Harass our women!
Sam: I thought they were dead.
Gollum: Dead? No, you cannot kill them.
Close shot of the Nazgul’s face. He sniffs and wipes his face with a tissue, and then puts it back in his pocket. The camera slowly zooms out. The Nazgul is driving a huge mech, stomping through the marsh.
Gollum: Wraiths! Wraiths on mechs!
The mech stumbles in a large pool of water and sinks down deep. It falls over forward. The Nazgul gets out, cursing.
Gollum: Wraiths! Wraiths on foot!
The Nazgul whistles. A fell beast lands next to it. The Nazgul mounts and flies into the air.
Gollum: Wraiths! Wraiths on wings!
Frodo begins to look faint as he clutches the Ring.
Gollum: They are calling for it. They are calling for the precious...
Sam pulls Frodo’s hand off the ring.
Sam: Mr. Frodo! It’s all right. You’ll get by with a little help from your friends.
The Nazgul circles overhead and then leaves.
Gollum: Hurry, hobbits. The Black Gate is very close.
Sam: And then we’re safe, Mr. Frodo.
Gollum (guffawing): Yeah.
Cut to Gimli inside Fangorn Forest. He wipes a small amount of black liquid off a leaf and licks it. He chokes violently.
Legolas: You all right?
Gimli (coughing): Orc blood!
Legolas: Why did you eat orc blood?
Gimli: It was on this leaf!
Legolas: Why did you lick orc blood off a leaf?
Gimli: I didn’t know what it was!
Legolas: Why did you lick an unknown black liquid off a leaf in a forest?
Gimli: I thought it might be orc blood!
Legolas: What if it wasn’t?
Gimli: It was!
Legolas: What if it was poison?
Gimli: I might be dead!
Legolas: So don’t you think you shouldn’t wander through a forest, licking black stuff off leaves?
Gimli: I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS!
Legolas: Don’t you think you should investigate a mysterious black fluid in some other way?
Gimli: I thought it might be orc blood! And it was! So I ate it!
Legolas: Why did you eat orc blood?
Gimli: I DUNNO!!
Aragorn (examining the ground): These are strange tracks.
Gimli: The air is so close in here!
Legolas: This forest is old. Very old. Full of memory... and... uh... trees.
Gimli stares at Legolas. A low groaning noise is heard throughout the forest. Gimli raises his axe.
Aragorn: Ah gawd... was that you, Gimli?
Legolas: The trees are speaking to each other.
Aragorn: Oh. Heh. Gimli! Lower your axe.
Legolas: They have feelings, my friend. The elves began it. Waking up the trees, teaching them to speak.
Gimli: Talking trees. Hmm. What do trees have to talk about, huh?
The camera turns toward a grouping of trees. A tree begins to groan, and subtitles appear on the screen.
Tree: How far would the dwarf fly if I punted him?
Legolas (in Elvish): Something’s out there.
Aragorn: Monkey ni?
Legolas: What?
Gimli: What?
Aragorn: Uh... monkey ni?
Legolas stares at Aragorn. Aragorn reaches into his pocket and pulls out a subtitle, which he places on the screen. It reads “What do you see?”
Aragorn: Monkey ni?
Legolas: Ohh. I see. Um, well, the White Wizard approaches.
Aragorn: Do not let him speak. He will call us mean names.
Aragorn reaches for his sword, Gimli tightens his grip on his axe, and Legolas readies an arrow. Tense music plays.
Aragorn: We must be quick.
The three of them turn around quickly. Nothing is there.
Aragorn: Um...
They turn around again. They see nothing.
Aragorn: Let’s wait a moment.
(pause)
Aragorn: Okay, go.
Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli turn around. There is a bright light shining from a figure in the forest. Gimli tosses an axe at it, which gets shattered. Legolas fires an arrow, which gets deflected. Aragorn’s sword glows orange and he drops it.
Figure: You are tracking the footsteps of two young hobbits.
Aragorn: Where are they? Did you eat them? You didn’t eat them, did you?
Figure: No. But they passed this way, the day before yesterday. They met someone they did not expect. Does that comfort you?
Gimli: It’s Chuck Norris!
Figure (laughing): I wish.
Aragorn: Who are you? Show yourself!
The white light fades to reveal a man in white robes with a toy Darth Vader helmet on.
Gimli: It’s Darth Vader!
Figure: That’s right!
(long pause)
Figure: Uh, no, just kidding...
The figure takes the helmet off. It is Gandalf.
Aragorn: It cannot be.
Gandalf: It is.
Aragorn: But it cannot be!
Gandalf: But it is!
Aragorn: But what if it isn’t?
Gandalf: It is!
Aragorn: WHOA! SWEET!
Legolas: Forgive me. I mistook you for Saruman.
Gandalf: I am Saruman.
Aragorn: No you’re not!
Gandalf: Let me finish! I am Saruman, or rather Saruman as he should have been.
Aragorn: You fell...
Gandalf: Through fire... and flames!
Gandalf whips out an electric guitar and begins playing “Through the Fire and Flames” by Dragonforce.
Cut to Gandalf fighting the Balrog on a mountain peak.
Gandalf’s voice: From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought with the Balrog of Morgoth.
Gandalf raises his sword, which is struck by lightning. He stabs the Balrog in the chest. The Balrog recoils, falls off the peak, and explodes.
Gandalf’s voice: Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.
Four attractive women wearing bikinis gather around Gandalf, grinning. Gandalf holds up his sword as lightning flashes behind him.
Aragorn’s voice: Is that really what happened?
Gandalf’s voice: Yeah...
Legolas’s voice: Gandalf, just tell it how it happened.
Gandalf’s voice: Fine...
The scene changes to Gandalf lying exhausted on the snow. The camera revolves into his eye and shows a strange cosmic pattern.
Gandalf’s voice: Darkness took me... and I strayed out of thought and time, like when I’m smoking pot. Stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the Earth.
The camera shows Gandalf on the snow again, renewed.
Gandalf’s voice: But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I’ve been sent back... until my task is done.
Cut back to the forest scene.
Aragorn: Gandalf.
Gandalf: Gandalf?
Aragorn: Yep!
Gandalf: Yes... that was what they used to call me. Gandalf the Grey. That was my name.
Gimli: Gandalf!
Gandalf: I am Gandalf the Destroyer of Worlds.
Aragorn: What?!
Gandalf (thinking): No! Uh...
(pause)
Gandalf: Gandalf the White! That’s it.
Legolas: I liked the other one better.
Gandalf: And I come back to you now... at the turn of the tide.
Cut to Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and Gandalf walking through Fangorn.
Gandalf: One stage of your journey is over, another begins. We must travel to Edoras with all speed.
Gimli: Edoras? That is no short distance!
A tourist-looking man jumps out from behind a tree.
Tourist (smiling): With West-Jet, there’s no distance too great!
A businessman walks out from behind a tree.
Man: You’ve just been laid off.
Tourist: WHAT? SON OF A B**CH!!
The two men walk away. Gimli looks stunned.
Aragorn: We hear of trouble in Rohan. It goes ill with the king.
Gandalf: Yes, and it will not be easily cured. The easiest way is with some very unaffordable antibiotics.
Gimli: Then we have run all this way for nothing? Are we to leave those poor hobbits here, in this horrid, dark, dank, tree-infested...
The trees around Gimli groan.
Gimli: Uh... I mean, charming, lovely, good-feng-shui-infested forest!
Gandalf: It was more than mere chance that brought Merry and Pippin to Fangorn.
Gimli: Yes, it must have been the charming, lovely, good feng shui of the place!
Gandalf: Now you’re just laying it on thick. A great power has been sleeping here for many long years. The coming of Merry and Pippin will be like the falling of small stones that starts an avalanche in the mountains, devastating everything in its wake and bringing sorrow to the families of hundreds of unfortunate skiers.
Aragorn: In one thing you have not changed, dear friend.
Gandalf: Hmm?
Aragorn: You still speak in sick, disheartening riddles.
Gandalf smiles.
Gandalf: A thing is about to happen that has not happened since the Elder Days. The ents are going to wake up... and find that they are hungry for dwarf flesh.
Gimli (nervously): Hungry for dwarf flesh? Oh, that’s good.
Gandalf: So stop your fretting, master dwarf.
Gimli: Master Dwarf... I like that... it’s like, Master Chief, except cooler.
Gandalf: Merry and Pippin are quite safe. In fact, they are far safer than you are about to be.
Gimli: This new Gandalf’s a bigger pain in the a** than the old one.
Cut to Gandalf on a plain, whistling. A few moments later, a huge, hideous, slobbering, frog-like creature emerges from behind a hill and runs in the direction of Gandalf.
Aragorn: What the hell is that?
Gandalf: No idea.
A gunshot echoes across the plain, and the beast falls down, dead. A man dressed in hunting clothing walks out of the forest and begins to drag it away.
Man: YEEHAW! Hey Bud, check this feller I snagged!
Voice from inside the forest: Mighty fine, mighty fine!
Gandalf: Let me try this again.
Gandalf whistles again. A white horse runs toward him from behind a hill.
Gandalf: There we go.
Legolas: That is one of the Mearas. Unless my eyes are cheated by some spell or that shroom I ate earlier.
Gandalf: Shadowfax.
Shadowfax bites Gandalf’s hand.
Gandalf (clutching his hand): F**KING S**T!!
(long pause)
Gandalf (groaning): He is the lord of all horses... and has been my friend through many dangers. So I don’t know why he bit my hand like that.
Cut to Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli riding across the plains of Rohan.
Cut to Treebeard, with Merry and Pippin riding on his shoulder.
Treebeard (slowly and calmly): O rowan mine, I saw you shine, upon a summer’s day. Upon your head, how golden-red, the crown you bore aloft. Such a beautiful verse.
Merry yawns.
Merry: Is it much further?
Treebeard: Bru-ra-hroom. Don’t be an impatient little wuss. You might call it far, perhaps. My home lies deep in the forest, near the roots of the mountain. I told Gandalf I would keep you safe, so I’m keeping you at an orcish weaponry factory near my home.
Pippin: WHAT?!
Treebeard: Bru-ra-hroom. Someone carved “gullible” into that tree behind us.
Pippin looks behind him.
Treebeard: I believe you will enjoy this next one too. It’s one of my own compositions. Right – ahem. Crank dat soulja boy, now watch me. Oooh. Crank dat soulja boy. Soulja boy off in dis ohh, watch me crank it, watch me roll.
Treebeard looks on his shoulder. Merry and Pippin are both asleep.
Cut to night scene to Treebeard lowering the sleeping Merry and Pippin onto the forest floor.
Treebeard: Sleep, little Shirelings. Heed no nightly noise.
A tremendous roar echoes from a ways away in the forest, along with the screams of several people. The screaming stops abruptly.
Treebeard: Uhh... heh. Sleep ‘til morning light. I have business in the forest. There are many to call. Many that must come. Except my brother, he is not invited. He is an a**hole. The Shadow lies on Fangorn. The withering of all woods is drawing near.
Cut to Aragorn and Gandalf overlooking the plains of Rohan at night.
Gandalf: The veiling shadow that glowers in the east takes shape.
Aragorn: Yeah, it looks like a leafhopper riding a train.
Gandalf: That’s a cloud. Sauron will suffer no rival. From the summit of Barad-dur, his eye watches ceaselessly. But he is not so mighty yet that he is above fear. Doubt ever gnaws at him. The rumour has reached him. The heir of Numenor still lives.
Aragorn: And who’s that?
Gandalf sighs.
Aragorn: Well?
Gandalf (extremely irritated): Think.
(long pause)
Aragorn: Oh! It’s you.
Gandalf: Sauron fears you, Aragorn.
Aragorn: It’s me?
Gandalf (sighing): Yes. Sauron fears what you may become. And so he’ll strike hard and fast at the world of men. He will use his puppet Saruman to destroy Rohan. War is coming. Rohan must defend itself, and therein lies our first challenge, for Rohan is weak and ready to fall. The king’s mind is enslaved, it’s an old device of Saruman’s. The iPossess Nano. His hold over King Theoden is now very strong.
Aragorn (yawning): You sure talk a lot.
Gandalf: God dammit, Aragorn...
Gandalf smacks Aragorn in the face with his staff.
Gandalf: Sauron and Saruman are tightening the noose. But for all their cunning, we have one advantage. The Ring remains hidden. And that we should seek to destroy it has not yet entered their darkest dreams. And so the weapon of the enemy is moving towards Mordor in the hands of a hobbit. Each day brings it closer to the fires of Mount Doom. We must trust now in Frodo.
Aragorn: Easier said than done.
Gandalf: True dat. Everything depends upon speed and the secrecy of his quest. Do not regret your decision to leave him. Frodo must finish this task alone.
Aragorn: He’s not alone. Sam went with him.
Gandalf: Good lord. We’re all dead.
Aragorn: Yep...
Cut to Frodo, Sam, and Gollum climbing a rock face. They emerge over the top to view the Black Gate.
Gollum: The Black Gate of Mordor!
Sam (dancing): We’re here! Woohoo!
Gollum: Siddown! Shuddup!
Sam (crouching down): My old Gaffer would have a thing or two to say if he could see us now.
The shot fades into Sam’s imagination.
Gaffer: WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOIN’, YA RECKLESS PIECE O’ S**T!!!
The shot fades back into reality.
Gollum: Master says to show him the way into Mordor. So good Smeagol does, master says so.
Frodo: I did...
Cut to the orcs patrolling the top of the Black Gate.
Orc 1: So I was driving a Warthog, and I like, drove over this one guy and flipped through the air, like, five times...
Orc 2: And when did you find time to play Halo?
Orc 1: Hell, I played it for, like, 5 hours yesterday.
Orc 2: You’re SUPPOSED to be patrolling the gate ALL DAY.
Orc 1: Oh.
Orc 2: How did you even get hired for this position?
Cut back to Frodo, Sam, and Gollum.
Sam: That’s it, then. We can’t get past that.
An army of Haradrim marches toward the gate, chanting.
Haradrim: I don’t know, but I’ve been told...
A horn sounds from the top of the gate. Gollum clutches his head.
Gollum: Tylenol... we needs Tylenol...
On a curved walkway behind the gate, two trolls are placed on either side of a large pole attached to the gate. In front of the trolls are several orcs and Angelina Jolie in a bikini.
Orc (cracking a whip at Angelina Jolie): Start dancing, maggot!
Angelina Jolie begins dancing, clearly unhappy. The trolls lurch toward her, slobbering. The gate slowly opens.
Sam: Look! The gate. It’s opening!
Sam crawls on top of a rock on the edge of a steep hill.
Sam: I can see a way down!
Sam stands up and jumps off the rock.
Frodo: Sam, no!!
Frodo runs after Sam.
Gollum: Master!
Frodo stumbles down the slope clumsily. Two Haradrim walk away from the army, and towards Frodo and Sam.
Haradrim 1: I gotta take a leak.
Haradrim 2: Me too.
Haradrim 1: Well, don’t, like, take a leak right next to me.
Frodo reaches Sam, who is half-buried in gravel. Frodo struggles to free Sam, but cannot. As one of the Haradrim walks towards them, Frodo flips his cloak over himself and Sam. The Haradrim unzips his fly and begins taking a leak on Frodo and Sam.
Haradrim: OHHHH yeah.
Sam looks up in fear as the cloak gets soaked with urine. The Haradrim zips his fly up again and departs along with the other. Frodo takes the cloak off him and Sam.
Sam: That – was – humiliating.
Frodo: Could’ve been worse.
Sam: How?
Frodo: Uh...
(pause)
Frodo: Ummm... I’ll think of something.
Frodo gets ready to run towards the gate.
Frodo: I do not ask you to come with me, Sam.
Sam: I know, Mr. Frodo. I doubt even these Elvish cloaks will hide us from streams of piss in there.
Frodo (lurching forward): Now!
Gollum (pulling Frodo and Sam back): No! No! No, master! They catch you! THEY CATCH YOU!! Don’t take it to him!!
Frodo: But I thought he wanted it.
Gollum: HE DOES!!
Frodo: Then I should give it right to him, like a proper gentleman. Oh... oh yeah. Never mind.
Gollum: He wants the precious. Always, he is looking for it. And the precious is wanting to go back to him. But we mustn’t let him have it. He will use it for foolish things, like buying cheap plastic crap at Wal-Mart.
Frodo attempts to run to the gate once more.
Gollum: NO! There’s another way. More secret! A dark way, full of peril and unaffordable housing.
Sam: Why haven’t you spoken of this before?!
Gollum: Because master did not ask.
Sam: So you’ll answer anything that anyone asks you? Okay, what day is it?
Gollum: Saturday!
Sam: My god... it makes sense... alright smart guy, what’s the answer to life, the universe, and everything?
Gollum: 42!
Sam: He’s up to something!
Frodo: Are you saying there’s another way into Mordor?
The Black Gate closes.
Gollum: No, we were just kidding.
Frodo and Sam stare in disbelief at Gollum.
Gollum: Yes, yes. There’s a path, and some stairs. And then... a road through a magical pixie forest.
Frodo: He’s led us this far, Sam.
Sam: Mr. Frodo, no.
Frodo: He’s been true to his word.
Gollum looks happily at Frodo.
Sam: No...
Frodo: Lead the way, Smeagol.
Sam (screaming): NOOOOOOO!!
Orc on gate (loudly): What the f**k was that??
Frodo: Sam...
Sam: What?
Frodo: Remember when I said I was glad you’re with me? I’m having second thoughts.
Sam: No, no! I’ll be good! I promise!
Frodo: Thank you.
Cut to Merry waking up in Fangorn Forest in the morning. He looks around and sees Pippin drinking water from a basin. Merry gets up and walks around.
Merry: Hello?
Pippin: Hello!
Merry: Treebeard?
Pippin: I’m Pippin.
Merry: Where’s he gone?
Pippin: I had the loveliest dream last night. There was this really hot girl, right in front of me...
Merry: Okay, I really don’t need to hear about that.
Pippin: Well, after that, I smoked a whole barrel full of pipe weed! I’d give anything for a whiff of Old Toby.
A groan echoes through the forest.
Merry: Did you hear that?
Merry hears another groan.
Merry: There it is again! Something’s not right here. Not right at all.
Pippin gets up and groans deeply.
Merry: You just said something... Treeish.
Pippin: No I didn’t. I was just farting.
Pippin groans again.
(pause)
Merry: You’re cooler.
Pippin: Who?
Merry: You!
Pippin: That what?
Merry: Than me!
Pippin: I’ve always been cooler than you!
Merry: Pippin. Everyone knows I’m the cool one. You’re the pathetic one.
Pippin: Please, Merry. You’re what? Cool enough to talk to an old guy? At the most? Whereas me, I’m cool enough to sunbathe on a Porsche.
Pippin groans again.
Pippin (happily): A Lamborghini!!
Merry (astonished): Sunbathe on a Lamborghini?!
Pippin shrugs.
Merry: You did something.
Pippin puts the water basin down. Merry grabs a pitcher full of water and begins to drink.
Pippin: Merry, don’t! Don’t drink it! Merry!
Pippin chases Merry.
Pippin: No! Treebeard said that you shouldn’t have any!
Merry: I want some!
Pippin: He said it could well be moonshine, or cyanide, or something!
Merry and Pippin stumble into the roots of a tree.
Pippin: Give it back! Merry!
The roots of the tree grab Merry and Pippin.
Pippin: What’s happening?!
Merry: AHH! It’s got my leg!
Pippin: We’ll have to saw it off!
Merry: The root or my leg?
Pippin: Your leg, duh!
The roots of the tree engulf Merry and Pippin.
Pippin: Help!
Treebeard walks into the clearing.
Treebeard: You s**t-disturbing sonuva...
Treebeard pulls his fist back and punches the tree. The tree does not move.
Treebeard: You should not be waking. Eat dirt.
The roots release Merry and Pippin.
Pippin: Man, I thought I was gonna end up like that guy in that movie!
Merry: What movie?
Pippin: That... guy, in the... movie.
Treebeard: Come, the forest is waking up. It isn’t safe.
Cut to Treebeard carrying Merry and Pippin through the forest.
Treebeard: The trees have grown rebellious and disrespectful toward their elders. Anger festers in their hearts. Black are their thoughts. Strong is their hate. They will eat you if they can.
Pippin: Yeah, yeah. Dangerous trees. Heard it all before.
Treebeard: There are too few of us now. Too few of us ents left to manage them.
Pippin: Why are there so few of you when you’ve lived so long? Are there little snot-nosed ent kids?
Treebeard: Bru-ra-hroom. There have been no entings for a terrible long count of years.
Merry: Why is that?
Treebeard: We lost the entwives.
Pippin: Oh, I’m sorry. It just didn’t work out?
Treebeard: Yes, and now we cannot find them! I don’t suppose you’ve seen entwives in the Shire?
Merry: Can’t say that I have. You, Pip?
Pippin: What do they look like?
Treebeard: They look like trees.
Pippin: Well...
Cut to Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf riding across the plains of Rohan. They come over a rise and see Edoras.
Gandalf: Edoras and the Golden Grocery Store of Save-On-Foods. And some hall called Meduseld. There dwells Theoden, king of Rohan... whose mind is overthrown. Saruman’s hold over King Theoden is now very strong.
Cut to the inside of Meduseld. Eowyn is kneeling next to Theoden.
Eowyn: My lord, your son... he is dead. We nursed him back to good health, but then Eomer dropped a chainsaw on his face. My lord? Uncle? Theoden? Dude? Hey, listen to me. Will you not go to him?
Theoden stares blankly at Eowyn.
Eowyn: Will you do nothing?
Cut back to Gandalf.
Gandalf: Be careful what you say. Do not look for happy, old grandmothers willing to bake you a pie here.
Cut to Eowyn, weeping over the body of Theodred. Wormtongue slowly walks into the room.
Wormtongue: Oh, he must have died sometime when Eomer’s chainsaw came crashing down and mutilated his face.
Eowyn: Shut... up.
Wormtongue: What a tragedy for the king to lose his only son and heir. I understand his passing is hard to accept, especially now that your brother has deserted you.
Wormtongue puts his hand on Eowyn’s shoulder.
Eowyn (standing up quickly): Leave me alone, you f**ked-up s**t-sniffing a**hole sonuvab**ch!!
Wormtongue gasps.
Wormtongue: Very... poetic. But you are alone. Who knows what you’ve spoken to the darkness... in the bitter watches of the night... when all your life seems to shrink. The walls of your bowels closing in about you.
Eowyn: Wait, what?
Wormtongue: A hutch to trammel some wild thing in.
Eowyn: Are you hopped up on something?
Wormtongue: So fair... so cold... like a morning of pale spring still clinging to winter’s chill.
(long pause)
Eowyn: Your words are pig s**t.
Eowyn quickly leaves the room.
Wormtongue: W... was it something I said?
Eowyn walks out of the hall and gazes over the plains. She sees Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf riding towards Edoras. A small bird lands on a flagpole near Eowyn. It craps on the flag of Rohan and lights it on fire. The bird chirps excitedly and flies away.
Eowyn: You sonuva...
The four riders enter Edoras. They ride slowly through the town, with sullen villagers looking at them. Aragorn looks up at Eowyn.
Aragorn: Hey Legolas, check out that chick.
Legolas: Hmmm... a 6 or 7, maybe.
Aragorn looks at Legolas, offended. Gimli looks around at the townspeople.
Gimli: You’ll find more cheer in a graveyard.
Gimli looks down the hill at the Edoras graveyard. There is a group of zombies, singing and dancing happily.
Cut to Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli walking up the steps to Meduseld. Hama and a group of soldiers emerge from the front doors.
Gandalf: Hey! How’s it goin’, man.
Hama: I cannot allow you before Theoden King so armed, Gandalf Greyhame – by order of Grima Wormtongue.
Gandalf nods to Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas. The three of them give the Rohan soldiers their axes, arrows, swords, and knives. Aragorn pulls a shotgun and a pistol out of his pants and gives it away. Legolas reaches into the back of his pants and pulls out a huge mace. Gimli takes a small missile out of his boot and hands it over. Gandalf smiles.
Hama: Your staff.
Gandalf: Hmm? Oh... you would not part an old man from his walking stick.
Gandalf’s staff tip suddenly opens up and four long, sharp blades rise out of it.
Gandalf (lying): Pffff. I didn’t know it could do that.
Hama: Fine. But no funny business!