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Cut to scene of many uruk-hai having white hands pressed onto their faces.

Uruk-hai soldier (to an orc): Can I have a peace symbol or something instead?

Orc: PEACE?! Yeccht!

Uruk-hai soldier: Okay, what about the Linkin Park logo?

Orc: Quit complainin’ and drag yer slimy maggot-infested carcass to the armoury!

Cut to scene of Saruman talking to an army of uruk-hai.

Saruman: Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found! You do not know pain. You do not know fear. You will taste MAN FLESH!

The army roars.

Saruman: ...And if you behave, I’ll take you all to DAIRY QUEEN!

The army roars again. Saruman turns to Lurtz.

Saruman: One of the Halflings carries something of great value. Bring them to me alive – and unspoiled.

Lurtz: Yeah?

Saruman: Kill the others.

Lurtz: Yeah!

Cut to scene of the fellowship and several elves.

Celeborn: Never before have we clad strangers in the garb of our own people. May these cloaks help shield you from unfriendly eyes.

Sam: Your MOM has unfriendly eyes!

Celeborn: It wasn’t an insult...

Sam: Oh. Okay.

Cut to scene of Legolas loading a canoe with bags. Merry and Pippin are sitting in the canoe. Legolas picks a piece of bread out of a bag.

Legolas (taking a tiny bite out of the bread): Lembas – Elvish waybread. One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man.

Merry and Pippin look at Legolas and nod. Legolas walks away.

Merry: How many did you eat?

Pippin (burping): Four.

Merry: It’s great to be a hobbit!

Cut to scene of Aragorn and Celeborn walking through a treed area.

Celeborn: Every league you travel south, the danger will increase – like in video games. Mordor Orcs now hold the eastern shore of the Anduin. Nor will you find safety on the western bank. Strange creatures bearing the mark of the White Hand have been seen on our borders. Seldom do orcs journey in the open under the sun, yet these have done so.

Aragorn (grabbing Celeborn by the collar and shaking him): OHMYGOD! Whaddawedo?! WHAT DO WE DO??!!

Celeborn pushes Aragorn away and hands him a knife. Aragorn picks up the knife and looks closely at it with a psychotically insane look on his face.

Aragorn: Heeheehee.

Celeborn (in Elvish): You are being tracked.

(pause)

Celeborn: By river, you have the chance of outrunning the enemy to the Falls of Sauros.

Aragorn: Don’t you mean the Falls of Rauros?

Celeborn (with a gloomy look on his face): No. I mean the Falls of Sauros.

(long pause as they look at each other)

Celeborn: Oh – yeah, I do mean Falls of Rauros. Heh.

Cut to scene of the fellowship leaving Rivendell in canoes. Show Legolas.

Galadriel: My gift for you, Legolas, is a bow of the Galadhrim, worthy of the skill of our woodland kin.

Show Merry and Pippin looking at daggers.

Voice of Galadriel: These are the daggers of the Noldorin. They have already seen service in war. Do not fear, young Peregrin Took; you will find your courage.

Show Sam.

Galadriel: And for you, Samwise Gamgee, Elven rope made of hithlain.

Sam: Thank you, my lady.

Sam looks at Merry and Pippin.

Sam: Have you run out of those nice, shiny daggers?

Galadriel smiles and moves on.

Sam (under his breath): Sam, you steaming pile of rancid theropod crap, why do you have to say stuff like that...

Galadriel (looking at Gimli): And what gift would a dwarf ask of the elves?

Gimli: Nothing. Except to look upon the lady of the Galadhrim one last time, for she is more fair than all the jewels beneath the earth.

Galadriel smiles.

Gimli: Actually, there, uh... was uh... heh... uh um... a th... well, um... there was one thing.

Galadriel (as the scene fades to Aragorn and as she looks at Arwen’s jewel around Aragorn’s neck): I have nothing greater to give than the gift you already bear.

Galadriel (in Elvish): For her love, I fear the grace of Arwen Evenstar will diminish.

Aragorn (in Elvish): I would have her leave these shores, and be with her people. I would have her take the ship to Valinor.

Galadriel: That choice is yet before her. You have your own choice to make, Aragorn – to rise above the height of all your fathers since the days of Elendil, or to fall into darkness with all that is left of your kin.

Aragorn: Ungh. I think a need a hug.

Show Frodo.

Voice of Galadriel: Farewell, Frodo Baggins. I give you the light of Erendil, our most beloved star.

Frodo: Cool. I can use this as a night-light.

Galadriel: May it be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out.

Cut to scene of the fellowship canoeing down a river.

Gimli: I have taken my worst wound at this parting, having looked my last upon that which is fairest. Henceforth, I will call nothing fair unless it be her gift to me.

Legolas: What was her gift?

Gimli: I asked her for a signed copy of “Stadium Arcadium.” She gave me the signed deluxe edition.

Cut to scene of the fellowship canoeing down more of the river. Show alternating scenes of the fellowship and the uruk-hai army running through a forest.

Cut to scene of the canoes on a beach at night. Boromir is peering out from behind a rock at a log that is floating on the river. Gollum is hanging onto the other side of the log and peeking over it. Aragorn walks up behind Boromir.

Aragorn: Gollum. He’s tracked us since Moria. I had hoped we would lose him on the river, but he’s too clever a waterman.

Pippin: What is he? A swimming Struthiomimus or something?

Boromir: And if he alerts the enemy of our whereabouts, it will make the crossing even more dangerous.

Pippin: Yeah, and if we came across a Mapusaurus, that would make the crossing even more dangerous.

Merry sighs puts his hand over his eyes.

Show Frodo and Sam.

Sam: Have some food, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: No, Sam.

Sam: You haven’t eaten anything all day! You’re not sleepin’, either. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.

(pause)

Sam: Mr. Frodo. Eat! Eat food!

Sam shoves a string of sausages in Frodo’s face.

Frodo: Ungh! Sam, stop it!

Sam forces a blueberry pie in Frodo’s mouth.

Frodo: MMMFPH! You can’t feed me, Sam. Not this time.

Sam (with a terribly worried look on his face): What in blazes is wrong with you, Mr. Frodo?!

Show Aragorn and Boromir.

Boromir: Minas Tirith is the safer road. You know that. From there we can regroup; strike out for Mordor from a place of strength.

Aragorn: There is no strength in Gondor that can avail us.

Boromir: But c’moooooooon! You trusted the elves!

Aragorn: We’re not going to Gondor, and that’s final!

Cut to scene of the fellowship canoeing down a river. Boromir has a childish pout on his face.

Aragorn: Frodo...

Frodo looks up.

Aragorn: The Argonath.

On each side of the river, there are two giant stone statues. One is a knight with his hand held out in front. The other is a statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger with a machine gun.

Aragorn: Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old. Well, king and governor.

The camera pans over one of the statues. Suddenly the camera hits the hand of the other statue and stops.

Cameraman: OW – for the love o’...

Cut to scene of the fellowship going onto shore. Boromir looks troubled.

Cut to scene of the fellowship camped on the shore.

Aragorn: We cross the lake at nightfall, hide the boats, hide the dope, and continue on foot.

Legolas: But we have no dope.

Aragorn: ‘Course not. Yeah... definitely not. Anyway, we’ll approach Mordor from the North.

Gimli: Oh, yes? Just a simple matter of finding our way through Emyn Muil, an impassable labyrinth of razor-sharp rocks. And after, that, it gets even better!

Pippin: Nooooo, really?

Gimli: Festering, stinking marshlands far as the eye can see, with zombie mutant Dromaeosaurs hiding behind every rotting, reeking slime-covered tree!

Aragorn: Yes, I chose that road myself. I just don’t want any more of this boring trudging through dull forests.

Legolas (to Aragorn): We should leave now.

Aragorn: No. Orcs patrol the eastern shore. We must wait for the cover of darkness.

Legolas: It is not the eastern shore that worries me. A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near.

Aragorn: A tumour’s been growing in your mind. There’s nothin’ wrong with this place.

Cut to scene of Merry carrying wood.

Merry: Hey, where did Frodo go?

Sam jumps up and panics.

Sam: HOLY f**king S**T! WHERE’S FRODO! GOD DA**IT F**K IT!

Pippin: Watch your language!

Sam (screaming and bawling): AAAUUHH!!! FRODO!! NOOOOOO!!!

Sam passes out and falls down.

Aragorn looks at Boromir’s shield leaning against a tree.

Cut to scene of Frodo walking through the forest. He is looking at old statues and stone building remnants.

Boromir (carrying wood): None of us should wander alone.

Frodo (jumping, nervously): Ah! Boromir! Heh – it’s you!

(pause)

Frodo (less nervously): You wouldn’t happen to have an extra pair of underpants I could use? I just wet m...

Boromir: Sorry, nope. So much depends on you, Frodo. Frodo?

Frodo stares at Boromir.

Boromir: I know why you seek solitude. You suffer, I see it day by day. You sure you do not suffer needlessly?

Frodo (in a deep voice): “Suffering – you haven’t seen anything yet.”

Boromir: What??

Frodo: Nothin’. Just something from a movie.

Boromir: There are other ways, Frodo. Other paths we might take.

Frodo: I know what you would say. And it would seem like wisdom, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s a reeking, steaming pile of lice-infested crap.

Boromir: We’re all afraid, Frodo. But to let that fear drive us, to destroy what hope we have. Don’t you see that it is madness!

Frodo: There is no other way.

Boromir: I ask only for the strength to defend my own people! And twenty bucks while you’re at it! If you would but lend me the Ring.

Frodo: No.

Boromir: Why do your recoil? I am no thief!

Frodo: It’s not that, it’s just that you smell like rotting orc dung.

Boromir: What chance do you think you have? They will find you, they will take the ring, and you will beg for death before the end!

Frodo begins walking away.

Boromir: You FOOL!

Boromir jumps on Frodo.

Boromir: Give it to me! Give me the Ring!

Frodo: No. No. No. No. No no no no no. Yes. No. No no no no no no no no no no! You not have me nice ring!

Frodo puts the Ring on his finger and disappears.

Boromir: That’s odd. I could have sworn there was a hobbit here a moment ago.

Boromir falls over as Frodo kicks him.

Boromir: OW! Sweet mother of g...

Frodo: Kick ‘em while they’re up, kick ‘em while they’re down...

Boromir: I see your mind. You will take the Ring to Sauron! You will betray us! You go to your death and the death of us all! F**k you! F**k you! And all the Halflings!!

Boromir gets kicked again.

Frodo: Watch your language.

Boromir (in a less angry voice): Frodo?

Frodo: Ah yes, men are like televisions. Kick them and they start working properly again.

Boromir (in a scared voice): What – what have I done? Please, Frodo.

Cut to Frodo climbing a staircase. The air around him is grey and swirling.

Frodo: Man, this is like that place in World of Warcraft. Except creepier.

Boromir: FRODO! I’m sorry!!

Frodo hides behind a statue of a bird. He peers over its back. He sees the Eye of Sauron.

Sauron: Ush gekky goori uru bishga wubba!

Frodo: OH MA GAWD!!

Frodo pulls the Ring off his finger. He falls off a stone platform and lands on his crotch on a log.

Frodo: OOOH!

An unseen audience laughs uproariously.

Frodo: Geez. Lame crotch humour...

Aragorn: Frodo?

Frodo spins around. He jumps up and down repeatedly, screaming like a little girl.

Frodo: Oh! Hi Aragorn!

Aragorn: What’s the matter?

Frodo: It has taken Boromir.

Aragorn: Oh no!!!

(pause)

Aragorn: Uh – what has taken Boromir?

Frodo: What have we been trudging to Mordor for for months now?

Aragorn: Hot orcish babes?

Frodo: Think... think harder...

Aragorn: Beer?

Frodo: DA**IT, Aragorn! The Ring!

Aragorn: Oh yeah!

(pause)

Aragorn: What were we talking about again?

Frodo: The RING has TAKEN BOROMIR.

Aragorn (moving towards Frodo): Where is the Ring?

Frodo (running away): Stay away!

Aragorn: Frodo! I swore to protect you.

Frodo: Can you protect me from yourself?

Aragorn: As long as you don’t wear one of those cute lil’ pink hoodies. I’ll just wanna hug you over and over again!

Frodo: What is wrong with you...

Aragorn: Aw, I’m just kidding.

Frodo (looking at the Ring): Would you destroy it? I wanna go back to the Shire and buy Halo 3 tomorrow.

Aragorn (walking up to Frodo and closing Frodo’s hand around the Ring): I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor.

Frodo: I know... look after the others, especially Sam. He will not understand. He’s kinda retarded.

(pause)

Aragorn looks down at Sting.

Aragorn: Go, Frodo!

Frodo pulls out Sting. It is glowing yellow.

Frodo: What does that mean?

Aragorn: Chuck Norris.

Frodo: Oh – my – god.

Sting turns red.

Frodo: What does that mean?

Aragorn: Gym teachers.

Frodo: Oh – my – god.

Sting turns purple.

Frodo: What does that mean?

Aragorn: It means that it’s having a hard time detecting whatever’s getting near.

Sting turns blue.

Frodo: Oh – my – god.

Aragorn: Run. RUN!

Frodo runs away. Aragorn walks to the front of the advancing army of uruk-hai.

Aragorn: LOL! Time for some UBER L33T PWNAGE!

Aragorn begins fighting the uruk-hai.

Cut to Sam wandering through the forest.

Sam: MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! MR. FRODO!! Mr. Frodo? MR. FRODO!!

Sam hears clanking swords.

Cut to Aragorn walking up onto a raised stone platform. He is being followed by uruk-hai. He kills a few more.

Lurtz: FIND THE HALFLING! Graaarrhh! FIND THE HALFLING! Grrrraaah! FIND THE HALFLING BEFORE MY VOICE GIVES OUT!

Uruk-hai: HEY! Lurtz is saying multi-syllable words!! WOOHOO!! The pills I gave him worked!

Aragorn (kicking an uruk-hai off the platform): THIS IS SPARTAAAA!!

Aragorn leaps off the stone platform.

Aragorn: VALHALLA!

He lands on his back. An uruk-hai runs up to him and gets stabbed through the stomach. Legolas and Gimli join the fight. Legolas jumps up in the air in slow motion. The camera revolves around him as he fires two arrows at once into an uruk-hai. Legolas lands on the ground.

Legolas: Aragorn, go!

Aragorn runs into the forest. Frodo is running away from the uruk-hai. Aragorn slices the legs off an uruk-hai.

Uruk-hai: AAAAHH!! My legs! How can I enjoy life now without my legs?! Ahhh!!

Aragorn slices the head off another uruk-hai. The body lands on the legless uruk-hai and its weapons slice off the legless uruk-hai’s arms.

Uruk-hai: AAAHHH!! My arms! How can I enjoy life now without my arms?! Ahhhh!!

Aragorn kills another uruk-hai. Its weapon flies and chops off the head of the limbless uruk-hai.

Uruk-hai: AAAHHH!!! MY HEAD!! How can I enjoy life now without my head?!! AAAHHH!!

Aragorn: You can’t. You’re dead now.

Uruk-hai: What?!! Says who?!

Aragorn (killing more uruk-hai): Says the person who first discovered that you can’t carry out life functions any more without your head.

Uruk-hai: Crap. All these rules!

Cut to Frodo hiding behind a tree. A few uruk-hai run past him. Behind a log, Merry and Pippin raise their heads.

Merry: Frodo!

Frodo looks at them.

Pippin: Hide here! Quick! We got s’mores!

Pippin stuffs his face rudely with s’mores.

Pippin: C’mon!

Frodo shakes his head.

Pippin: What’s he doing? I thought he loved s’mores.

Merry: He’s leaving.

Pippin (getting up): No!

Merry: Pippin! Get back here you walking piece o’ crap!

Merry gets up. Pippin and him see the uruk-hai coming.

Merry: Run, Frodo. Go!

Merry turns to look at the uruk-hai.

Merry: HEY! HEY YOU! Over here! We got s’mores! Lots of s’mores! We got s’mores up the wazoo!

Pippin: C’mon! This way!

Uruk-hai: S’MORES! ALRIGHT!!

The uruk-hai chase Merry and Pippin.

Pippin: Hey Merry! Guess what!

Merry: What??

Pippin: It’s working!

Merry: Hey yeah, it is working! Run!

Cut to Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli fighting the uruk-hai. Aragorn grabs an uruk-hai by the head and smashes it into a stone stature.

Uruk-hai: OWW!! Son of a...

Aragorn smashes the uruk-hai’s head against the statue again.

Uruk-hai: OWW!! Okay! Okay! I’ll stop trying to kill you!

Aragorn: Good.

The uruk-hai runs away.

Cut to Merry and Pippin. They both run onto a small bridge. Uruk-hai are behind and in front of them. An uruk-hai runs up in front of them and raises and axe. A tree falls over and crushes him.

Pippin: Thanks tree! You saved us!

Boromir (standing at the splintered stump of the tree): I pushed it down. I saved you!

Pippin: Oh c’mon, let the tree enjoy its moment of victory. You don’t have to take credit for every good thing that happens.

Boromir: But I did push it down! It was my idea!

Merry: Okay... believe what you want.

Boromir sighs.

Cut to Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli. A horn blows in the distance.

Legolas: The horn of Gondor!

Aragorn: Boromir!

The threesome runs toward the sound of the horn, killing uruk-hai along the way.

Cut to Boromir, Merry, and Pippin. Merry and Pippin both jump onto an uruk-hai and stab it repeatedly. It falls down on the ground.

Boromir: It’s dead already! Run!!

Merry and Pippin get up and run, throwing rocks at the uruk-hai chasing them.

Uruk-hai 1 (getting hit in the hand by a rock and stopping): OWWW!! Geez! It hit my knuckle!! RRGH!!

Uruk-hai 2: Aw man! I know how much that hurts. Me and Klur’gekz were playing Airsoft about a week ago, and he hit me in the knuckle. Hurt so much.

Lurtz walks up over a hill and looks at Boromir maliciously. Boromir continues to kill uruk-hai. Lurtz raises a bow and gets it ready to fire.

Merry: Boromir! B-big orc! Arrow! B-bow! There! Look! Out! Ahh! Aaahh!!

Lurtz fires an arrow. It hits Boromir in the chest. Boromir continues to fight as if nothing had happened.

Pippin: Woohoo! He’s still alive!

Lurtz snarls and fires another arrow into Boromir. Boromir still does not notice.

Merry: Uh, Boromir? You might wanna get those arrows out of your chest.

Boromir doesn’t hear Merry, and keeps killing uruk-hai.

Lurtz fires four more arrows into Boromir. Still, Boromir is unperturbed.

Lurtz kicks at the ground angrily. He shoots one, two, three arrows into Boromir. Boromir now is covered in arrows.

Pippin: BOROMIR!

Boromir looks down at the arrows.

Boromir: Oh for the love o’...

Boromir kneels down.

Merry: NOO!!

Boromir ties his shoelace, which is undone. He gets up and starts fighting again.

Lurtz: F**K!! GEEZ!

Pippin: YESSSS!!

An uruk-hai runs up to Boromir and kicks him in the groin. Boromir groans and falls to his knees.

Pippin: NOOOO!!

Boromir looks down at his horn, which is split in half.

Boromir: Aw man...

Merry and Pippin scream in anger. They run, but the uruk-hai catch them and carry them away. The army ignores Boromir, who is still kneeling on the ground. He is left to face Lurtz. Lurtz prepares another arrow.

Lurtz: My – pills – are...

Boromir stares at Lurtz.

Lurtz: Start – ing – to wear – off. Dang. Any last – words?

Boromir: Y-yeah.

(pause)

Boromir: YOUR MOM’S UGLY!

Lurtz: RRRRRGHH!!

Lurtz fires the arrow just as Aragorn leaps onto him. The arrow misses Boromir. Lurtz tosses Aragorn against a tree. Lurtz throws his shield at Aragorn, pinning him to the tree. Lurtz swings his sword at Aragorn’s head just as Aragorn pulls his head below the shield. Aragorn stabs his knife into Lurtz’s leg.

Lurtz: OW! OWW!! OWWW!!!

(pause)

Lurtz: I mean – ha! You think that’s gonna stop me? Ah ha ha!

Lurtz pulls the knife out of his leg. He licks it with an evil look on his face.

Lurtz (grimacing): Mmmhmm! Yum yum!

Lurtz throws the knife at Aragorn. Aragorn hits the knife with his sword. The two engage in swordfighting again. Aragorn chops off Lurtz’s right arm.

Lurtz: Ha! Think THAT’S going to stop me?

Aragorn pushes his sword right through Lurtz’s stomach.

Lurtz: ERRGH... think THAT’S going to... rghhh... stop me?

Aragorn: Yes. Yes I do.

Lurtz growls and pulls himself closer to Aragorn. Aragorn pulls his sword out of Lurtz and chops Lurtz’s head off.

Aragorn (panting): Wow. Well, that was fun.

Aragorn pulls a bottle of Gatorade out of his pocket and looks at the camera, as cheap ad music starts to play.

Aragorn: After a long day of orc-slaying, only a bottle of Gatorade keeps me going.

He takes a few large gulps of it.

Aragorn: How refreshing! And cheap too! I need to buy some more of those in Rohan. Or in any other town across the country, including one, next to you.

The music stops and he runs over to Boromir, who is laying on the ground.

Boromir: They took the little grabby punks!

Aragorn: Lay still.

Boromir: Frodo. Where is Frodo?

Aragorn: Frodo can kiss my a...

Boromir stares at Aragorn.

Aragorn: I – let Frodo go.

Boromir: Then you did what I could not.

Aragorn: Eww. You’re a creep.

Boromir: I tried to take the Ring from him.

Aragorn: The Ring is beyond our reach now.

Boromir: Forgive me. I did not see. I’ve failed you all. I deserved to be kicked in the crotch by that orc.

Aragorn: No, Boromir. You fought bravely. You kept your honour. You’re one helluva dude. And you may not have noticed, but you were also fighting with about 10 arrows in your chest.

Boromir: Oh – no. No I didn’t notice.

Aragorn tries to pull an arrow out of Boromir.

Boromir: Leave it. It’s over. The world of men will fall, and all will come to darkness, and my city to ruin.

Aragorn: I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you, I will not let the White City fall. It has some of the best freakin’ ale I’ve ever had. I do not want to see booze like that be consumed by the darkness. Our people will not fail.

Boromir: Our people... our people.

Legolas slowly walks up to Boromir and Aragorn.

Boromir: I would have followed you, my brother. My captain... my king.

Aragorn (proud of himself): Well. I dunno about THAT...

Boromir stops breathing.

Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor.

Gimli wanders up to Legolas. He stares at the ground.

Aragorn: They will look for his coming from the White Tower, but he will not return.

Cut to Frodo at the shore of the river. Sam is running through the forest toward him.

Sam: Frodo!

Frodo looks at the Ring in his hand.

Voice of Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Voice of Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times... but that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us... if that means braving all hardships to destroy the Ring, or summoning an army of mutant dinosaurs to do the dirty work for us.

Frodo (quietly): How do I summon an army of mutant dinosaurs...

(pause)

Frodo: Ah, screw it. I can do this on my own.

Frodo closes his hand around the Ring and puts it in his pocket. He hops in a canoe and pushes away from the shore. Sam runs out of the forest.

Sam: FRODO, NO! FRODO! MR. FRODO!!

Frodo: No, Sam.

Sam wades into the water.

Frodo: Go back, Sam! I’m going to Mordor alone!

Sam: Of course you are. And I’m comin’ with you!

Frodo: Look up “alone” in the dictionary!

Sam: I lost my dictionary in Bree! I think some guy with a carrot stole it!

Sam attempts to swim to Frodo.

Frodo: You can’t swim! SAM!

Sam disappears under the water. He looks into the distance. A dark shape is moving towards him. The “Jaws” theme plays. Frodo’s hand plunges into the water and pulls Sam into the canoe.

Sam (spluttering): I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise! “Don’t you leave him, Samwise Gamgee.” And I don’t mean to. I don’t mean to.

Frodo: Oh, Sam.

Frodo French-kisses Sam. Sam pushes him away.

Sam: WHOA lil’ boy! No need for that.

Cut to the body of Boromir in a canoe. The canoe flows downstream and falls off a waterfall.

Voice of Boromir: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Cut to Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn.

Legolas (pushing a canoe to the water’s edge): Hurry! Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore.

Legolas looks at Aragorn, who is calmly putting his armguards on.

Legolas: You mean not to follow them?

Aragorn: Frodo’s fate is no longer in our hands. What’s in our hands now are these delicious Chicken McNuggets!

Aragorn shoves a handful of Chicken McNuggets in his mouth.

Gimli: Then it has all been in vain. The Fellowship has failed...

Aragorn: Not if we hold true to each other. We will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment, noogies, death, more noogies, more torment, and that abysmal vodka that orcs manufacture. Not while we have strength left.

Aragorn walks up toward the forest.

Aragorn: To hell with all that can be spared.

Legolas: What?

Aragorn: Leave all that can be spared behind.

Aragorn puts his knife in its sheath.

Aragorn: We travel light. Let’s hunt some orc.

Gimli: FRIGGIN’ A!!

Gimli and Legolas run into the forest after Aragorn.

Cut to scene of Frodo and Sam walking up over a rocky ridge. They can see Mordor in the distance.

Frodo: Mordor... I hope the others find a safer road. Our path might have orcs.

Sam: Gee, y’think?

Frodo: Maybe.

Sam: Strider will look after the others.

Frodo: I don’t suppose we’ll ever see them again.

Sam: We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may.

Frodo: Sam...

(pause)

Frodo: I’m glad you’re with me.

Sam smiles. Peaceful music plays as Frodo and Sam descend into a valley.

(long pause)

Sam: I wish I brought my iPod.

Fade to credits.

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