Cut to scene of the wall around Isengard. Orcs are wandering along it. Camera flies over large pits where orcs are working. Show Gandalf standing on top of Isengard. A moth flies up to him and Gandalf grabs it with his hand, forming a cage. He holds his hand close to his mouth and accidentally inhales the moth. Another moth flies towards Gandalf. A bat swoops right in front of Gandalf and eats the moth.
Gandalf: Dang it!
Another moth comes and Gandalf whispers to it and lets it go. Camera flies down to the ground beside Isengard and into a pit. Show orcs making blades and helmets and pouring molten metal into moulds. Trees fall into the pits to be burned. Cut to an orc sticking a metal bar into a large lump of moving muck. It wipes the muck away to reveal a face. An uruk-hai rises out of the muck, roaring. It grabs the orc’s throat and strangles it. Saruman watches calmly as two other orcs hide behind his back.
Orc behind Saruman: I think I’ll quit my job.
Saruman: When oliphants come outta my butt. You’ll stay here.
The uruk-hai stands up slowly. It has a huge, muscular body. Saruman smiles evilly.
Cut to scene of large stone trolls. The hobbits and Aragorn are gathered around them. Frodo is lying on the ground.
Sam: Look, Mr. Frodo. It’s Mr. Bilbo’s trolls.
Sam strokes Frodo’s forehead.
Sam: He’s going cold!
Pippin: Is he going to die?
Aragorn: Better. He’ll soon become a Wraith like them.
Sam: No, Mr. Frodo. That’s a bad thing.
Frodo: Oh. ARRghhh...
Aragorn: Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?
Sam: Is that marijuana?
Aragorn: No! It’s a plant that might help slow the poisoning. Hurry!
Sam: I’ll need a flashlight.
Pippin takes out a small flashlight and throws it to Sam.
Sam and Aragorn walk off into the forest. Aragorn kneels down and looks at a small plant with white flowers. He takes out his knife and starts to cut it. A curved blade comes out from behind his and is held at his nose.
Arwen’s voice: What’s this? A ranger, caught off his guard?
Aragorn (defensively): I’m not off my guard! I’m still on my guard! I’ll tell you when I get off my guard! Which is never!
Aragorn stands up and pulls out his sword. He points it at Arwen’s nose.
Aragorn: Oh. It’s just you. Heh.
Cut to scene of Frodo lying on the ground. His eyes are red and puffy. Light shines on his face. He turns to one side and sees Arwen riding to him on a white horse. Light is shining out from behind her.
Arwen (in Elvish): I am Arwen. I have come to save you from a horribly painful and gruesome death, when you will slowly mutate into a wraithlike life form and descend to the 7th Circle of Hell, where you will be tortured every morning at 9:00 until 4:00, upon which you will you will be forced into a formal dinner environment, and surrounded by self-righteous defence lawyers and politicians.
Arwen (in Elvish): Hear my voice. Come back to the light.
Frodo: I can see the light! Grrggh. Ack. ARRRggg...
Frodo moans and the bright light fades away.
Merry: Who is she?
Arwen (kneeling down to Frodo): Frodo.
Sam: She’s an elf.
Arwen: He’s fading. He’s not going to last until dinner.
Aragorn licks a small bit of Kingsfoil in his hand and puts it on Frodo’s wound. Frodo gasps and groans.
Sam: Ewwww. Strider, that’s unhygienic – you could give him rabies.
Arwen: We must get him to my father.
Aragorn picks Frodo up.
Arwen: I’ve been looking for you for 23 years.
Aragorn: But we’ve only known each other for a month.
Merry: Where are you taking him?
Arwen: There are five Wraiths behind you. Where the other four are, I do not know.
Aragorn (in Elvish): Stay with the hobbits. I’ll send horses for you.
Arwen (in Elvish): I’m the faster rider. I’ll take him.
Aragorn: YOU’RE the faster rider?! You couldn’t outrun a slug with Alzheimer’s.
Arwen: Well YOU wouldn’t be able to ride on a horse well even if it had a fancy Elvish saddle and it was trained by the Valar themselves!
Aragorn: I’M faster!
Arwen: No, I am!
Frodo turns to Aragorn and vomits all over his shoulder.
Aragorn: YYYEECCH! Now THAT is unhygienic! YOU take him.
Arwen climbs on her horse.
Aragorn (wiping the puke off his arm): Ride hard. Don’t look back.
Arwen rides off into the forest with Frodo on her horse.
Sam (to Aragorn, shouting): What are you doing?! Those Wraiths are still out there!
Cut to scene of Arwen riding fast through a field. She enters a pine forest and looks to her side. The Nazgul are visible through the trees, riding on their horses. They ride closer to Arwen and begin chasing her. Arwen accidentally gets slashed on the face by a tree branch.
Arwen rides into a large clearing. The Nazgul ride quickly after her. Arwen rides through more forest and comes to a shallow river. She rides through the river and stops on the other side. She turns back to the Ringwraiths, which have stopped on the other side of the river.
Kamul: Give up the Halfling, She-Elf.
The last ringwraith rides up to the river.
Ringwraith: I’m gonna hurl!
The ringwraith vomits on his horse’s head.
Kamul: What’s that, motion sickness?
Arwen pulls out her blade.
Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!
The Ringwraiths scream and start riding across the river. Arwen begins saying an enchantment in Elvish. The water in the river quickly starts rising. All the Nazgul look upstream. A huge wave shaped like the heads of donkeys comes rushing down the river. It hits the Nazgul and wipes them downstream.
Ringwraith’s voice, echoing through the canyon: Oh crap, I get seasick too!
Arwen looks at Frodo, who is turning pale and is moaning. She lifts him off the horse and puts him on the ground.
Arwen: Looks like YOU need a diaper change! Oh, wait. It’s the other problem. No, no! Frodo, no! Don’t give in! Not now! Maybe later! But not right now!
Arwen’s mind (whispering): What grace is given me, let it pass to him. Let him be spared. Save him.
Fade into a faint picture of Elrond.
Elrond: Abbadabbadoo. Agoogabaggaboo. Deebagoogagoo. Afoobedoobaeegaboogeh.
Fade brightly into Frodo lying in a bed.
Frodo: Where am I?
Gandalf’s voice: Heaven. No, just kidding! You are in the house of Elrond. And it is 10:00 in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know. But all you probably care about right now is whether or not the coffee machine is still working.
Gandalf: Yes, I’m here.
Frodo: I know you are.
Gandalf: And you’re lucky to be here, too. A few more hours and you would have been beyond our aid. But you have some strength in you, my dear hobbit.
Frodo tries to push himself up in bed, but falls back down, panting.
Gandalf: Or maybe you were just lucky...
Frodo: What happened, Gandalf? Why didn’t you meet us?
Gandalf: Oh I’m sorry, Frodo.
Gandalf: I was delayed.
Cut to Saruman and Gandalf on top of Isengard.
Saruman: Will you embrace the power of the Ring, Gandalf...
Saruman uses his staff to throw Gandalf so that he has his heels on the edge of the tower and is about to fall. Saruman flings him back onto the tower.
Saruman: ...Or embrace your own destruction?!
Gandalf: Hmm, that’s sort of a rhetorical question, isn’t it? It’s obvious that I’ll do neither.
Gandalf jumps off the tower and lands on a big vulture.
Saruman (shouting): That may just be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made!
Gandalf (flying away on the vulture): Oh no, I’ve made much bigger ones! Like the time that I decided I would see what a bunch of lemon-flavoured Starbursts would taste like in coffee!
Show Gandalf flying on the vulture over a mountain range. Cut back to scene of Frodo and Gandalf in Rivendell. Gandalf has an odd look on his face.
Frodo: Gandalf? What is it?
Gandalf: Nothing, Frodo.
There is a loud scream from the doorway of the room.
Sam (hysterically): FRODO! OH MY GOD! Bless you, you’re alive! I was really worried about you, Frodo! Oh my god oh my god oh my god! I thought that ‘cause you were stabbed by a Wraith blade, you were gonna kick the bucket! But there wasn’t any bucket to kick! I thought for sure you were gonna die a gruesome, horrible, terrible, painful, hideous, excruciating, ghastly, grisly death!
Frodo stares at Sam.
Frodo: Good to see you too, Sam.
Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond, you’re beginning to mend.
Elrond walks up behind Gandalf. His hands are covered in blood and he is wearing a belt with many sharp and horrid-looking medical instruments that are red and bloody. Frodo gulps.
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins.
Show the whole of Rivendell. There is a cloaked rider on a white horse riding slowly to Rivendell. Cut to Sam and Frodo walking through Rivendell. Frodo smiles as Merry and Pippin run to him and begin hugging him and laughing. Frodo looks over to a bench and smiles. Bilbo is sitting on it, writing his book.
Bilbo: Hello, Frodo, my lad!
Frodo: I was sure you had snuffed it by now!
Cut to scene of Frodo opening Bilbo’s book.
Frodo (looking through the pages): “There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale, by Bilbo Baggins.” This is wonderful.
Bilbo: I wanted to go on an adventure again, but it seems that age has finally caught up with me.
Frodo: Yep, you sure are old.
Show Frodo walking up to Sam, who is packing his backpack.
Sam: Now, what have I forgotten?
Frodo: Packed already?
Sam: No harm in being prepared.
Frodo: I thought you wanted to see the elves.
Sam: I do.
Frodo: More than anything.
Sam: I did. It’s just... we did what Gandalf wanted us to do, didn’t we? And I thought that the way you’re mending so fast, we’d be going home by now.
Frodo: You’re right, Sam. The Ring will be safe in Rivendell. I do want to go home.
Show Gandalf and Elrond watching down on the two hobbits from a higher room.
Elrond: The Ring cannot stay in Rivendell, Gandalf.
Gandalf: Frodo has endured enough, Elrond. Let him rest. Let him sit down with an iced cappuccino or something.
Elrond: Rivendell has run short of iced capp’ mix, Gandalf. And you tell me that Saruman has betrayed us? We do not have the power to fight both Mordor and Isengard! We have bigger things to worry about than iced cappuccino. Who will help us? Dwarves? They hide in their mountains seeking riches. They care nothing for the troubles of others.
Gandalf watches as Boromir, Legolas, and Gimli come through the gates of Rivendell.
Gandalf: It is in men that we must lay our hope.
Elrond: Men?! Men are weak. And they make weak coffee, too, therefore making horrible iced cappuccinos.
Gandalf: Will you shut up about the iced cappuccinos?!
Elrond: It is because of men the Ring survives. I was there, Gandalf. I was there, 65 million years ago... when the dinosaurs became ex... I mean, 3000 years ago...
Cut to scene of Elrond fighting in a battle in Mordor. Show Isildur cutting Sauron’s finger off. The finger lands next to Isildur. Isildur picks up the finger and takes the Ring off of it. He drops the Ring and keeps the finger, looking at it with great interest. Then the finger turns to ash and he turns his attention to the Ring.
Elrond’s voice: I was there, when Isildur took the Ring... the day that the strength of men failed.
Elrond walks up to Isildur.
Elrond: Hurry! Follow me!
Cut to scene of Elrond and Isildur in the Crack of Doom.
Elrond: Cast it into the fire!
Isildur (mutters): Bully.
Isildur looks at the Ring.
Elrond: Destroy it!
Isildur (with an evil look on his face): No.
Isildur turns and walks away.
Return to scene of Gandalf and Elrond.
Elrond: There is no strength left in the world of men.
Gandalf: Aragorn’s pretty good!
Elrond: Aragorn?! He’s a freak.
Cut to scene of Aragorn sitting next to a statue that is holding the Shards of Narsil. Boromir comes in and looks at a painting of Isildur and Sauron. Boromir looks at Aragorn.
Boromir: You are no elf.
Aragorn (in a high-pitched, mocking voice): Ooo! I’m an elf! Look at my pretty pointy elf ears! Look at my pretty little wand! Look at my pretty little jar of pixie magic! Oooo! Oooooooo! Look at...
Boromir (loudly): I get it. You’re not an elf. So you’re a man.
Aragorn (in a low, mocking voice; banging his fist on the armrest of his chair): Ooooh, I’m a man. I use tools to make fire. I kill mammoths. I eat mammoths. Buuuhh.
Boromir: But you can’t be a... dwarf?
Aragorn: I am a man. Men of the South are welcome here.
Boromir: Well then who the heck are you?!
Aragorn: I am a friend of Gandalf the Grey.
Boromir: Gandalf the G-R-A-Y, or Gandalf the G-R-E-Y?
Boromir: Which is it, the Canadian spelling or the American spelling?
Boromir picks up the hilt of Narsil.
Boromir: The Shards of Narsil. The blade that cut the Ring from Sauron’s hand.
Boromir runs his finger up the blade. He makes a small cut on the tip of his finger.
Boromir: OH MY GOD!! I’M DYING!
Boromir falls onto the floor, clutching his finger.
Boromir: IT’S GUSHING BLOOD!! AAAAACCKK!!!
Aragorn stares incredulously at Boromir.
Boromir stops screaming and then acts like nothing had happened.
Boromir: No more than a broken heirloom.
Boromir clumsily puts the blade back in the statue’s hands. It falls off and clangs on the ground. Boromir walks away.
Arwen walks in as Aragorn reverently puts the sword back on the statue.
Arwen: Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself.
Aragorn: The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness.
Cut to scene of Aragorn and Arwen standing on a narrow bridge over a stream.
Arwen (in Elvish): Do you remember when we first met?
Aragorn (in Elvish): Yeah. I was so hammered.
Arwen takes off the jewel around her neck and gives it to Aragorn.
Arwen: I choose a mortal life.
Aragorn: You cannot give me this.
Arwen: Oh yes I can.
Aragorn and Arwen start kissing really mushily and grasp each other. They kiss and kiss and gasp and fall off the bridge into the stream. There is splashing in the water as Aragorn tries to prevent himself from drowning. Cut to the Council of Elrond.
Elrond: Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer to the threat of Mordor. Bring forth the Ring, Frodo.
Frodo gets up from his chair and walks toward an altar. He places the Ring on it and returns to his chair.
Boromir: So it is true...
Boromir gets up from his chair and slowly walks to the Ring. He reaches out for it slowly.
Gandalf begins speaking the inscription around the Ring. The sky grows dark and everything begins to rumble. Boromir falls back into his seat and Gandalf stops speaking.
Elrond (frustrated): Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here in Imladris.
Gandalf (sarcastically): Well, excuse me!
Boromir: It is a gift... a gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this Ring? Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!
Aragorn: You can’t do that!
Boromir: And what would you know? You are just a sludgy, crappy, slippery, slimy, gooey ranger!
Legolas: This is no mere sludgy, crappy, slippery, slimy, gooey ranger! This is Aragorn II, son of Arathorn II, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn I, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad II, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arahad I, son of Araglas, son of Aragorn I, son of Aravir, son of Aranuir, son of Arahael, son of Aranarth, elder son of Arvedui, son of Araphant, son of Araval, son of Arveleg II, son of Arvegil, son of Argeleb II, son of Araphor, son of Arveleg I, son of Argeleb I, son of Malvegil, son of Celebrindor, son of Celepharn, son of Mallor, son of Beleg, son of Amlaith, son of Earendur, son of Elendur, son of Valandur, son of Tarondor, son of Tarcil, son of Arantar, son of Eldacar, son of Valandil, son of Isildur, son of Elendil, son of Abitch, son of Homo sapiens, son of Homo sapiens, son of Homo sapiens, son of a whole bunch of other Homos, son of Australopithecus afarensis, son of Australopithecus afarensis, son of Australopithecus afarensis, son of Australopithecus afarensis, son of a whole bunch of unknown mammals for millions of years, son of Dimetrodon, son of Dimetrodon, son of Dimetrodon, son of Dimetrodon, son of a special link between fish and reptiles, son of another fish-reptile link, son of a whole bunch of fish, and son of a whole lot of weird links between fish and bacteria.
Boromir: Isildur’s heir?
Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor!
Aragorn (in Elvish): Sit down, Legolas.
Legolas sits back down in his chair.
Gandalf: Aragorn is right. We cannot use it.
Elrond: You have two choices. One: The Ring goes to Gondor and destroys good and covers the land in darkness, or two: the Ring gets destroyed. I am assuming that you all have picked two.
Dwarf in background: I picked one.
Elrond: Well, you hardly matter, do you?
Gimli: Well then what are we waiting for?
Gimli takes out his axe and brings it down on the ring. The Eye of Sauron flashes across the screen. Frodo shouts in pain. Gandalf looks at him. The Ring is not even scratched, but the axe’s pieces are scattered everywhere. Gimli is lying on the ground, shocked.
Elrond: The Ring cannot be destroyed by any weapon that we here possess, Gimli, son of Glóin, son of Goin, son of Croin, son of Sloin, son of Zoin, son of Groin...
Gimli: Hey! Groin was my grandfather, not my great-great-great-um... great... ah whatever.
Elrond: It must be dropped into the fires of Mount Doom. It must be taken deep into Mordor. One of you must do this.
Gimli: Pick me! Oh, pick me! Actually, I don’t really want to. Never mind.
Boromir: One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just orcs. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.
Legolas: Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed!
Gimli: And I suppose you think you’ll be the one to do it!
Boromir: And what if we fail? What then? What then, people?!
Gimli: I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf! Wait, if I’m dead, then I wouldn’t be able to see...
Everyone gets up out of their chairs and starts arguing. Frodo looks at the Ring. He sees fire appear in it.
Frodo: I will take it! I will take the Ring to Mordor!
Everyone looks at Frodo.
Frodo: Though I do not know the way.
Gandalf: I will help you bear this burden as long as it is yours to bear. And as long as I get 15% commission.
Aragorn: If by my life or death, I can protect you... I will. You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Boromir: You carry the fates of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the Council... then Gondor will see it done.
Sam jumps out from behind a bush.
Sam: Mr. Frodo’s not goin’ anywhere without me.
Elrond: God, you’re inseparable. Are you in love or something?
Merry and Pippin run out from behind two pillars.
Pippin: Wait! We’re coming too!
Merry: You’ll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!
Pippin: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of... mission. Quest. Hike-doodle. Trip. Walk. Raiding operation. Vacation. Trek. Voyage. Journey. Thing.
Merry: Guess that rules you out, Pip.
Pippin: Rules me out from what?
Elrond: So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!
Pippin: Right. Where are we going?
Merry: Pippin! I should send you home tied up in a sack!
Cut to scene of Frodo and Bilbo in a Rivendell bedroom.
Bilbo (unwrapping a sword from a cloth): This is for you, Frodo. It’s name is Sting. Here, take it.
Frodo (taking Sting): Wicked! It’s so light.
Bilbo: Yes, yes. Made by the elves. Its blade glows blue when orcs are near. And it’s times like that, my lad, when you have to be extra careful.
Frodo: Gee thanks Bilbo! I like shiny stuff.
Bilbo: Then you’ll really like this.
Bilbo takes out a shiny white shirt.
Bilbo: Mithril. As light as a feather, but as hard as dragon scales. Here, put it on.
Bilbo hands Mithril to Frodo. Frodo begins to unbutton his shirt. Bilbo sees the Ring hanging from Frodo’s neck.
Bilbo: My Ring.
Frodo looks at Bilbo and slowly starts to conceal the Ring in his shirt.
Bilbo: Can I just touch it? I want to hold it again. I want to taste it. I want to shove it down my gullet.
Bilbo leaps forward and for a split second his eyes turn red and blue and his teeth turn sharp.
Bilbo (growling): I WANT IT! GIMME IT NOW!
Frodo recoils in horror.
Bilbo: I’m sorry. Sometimes that happens to me, especially when I’m watching movies with Brad Pitt...
Cut to scene of the fellowship at the edge of Rivendell.
Elrond: You set out for the quest of Mount Doom. The Ring bearer blah blah blah blah blah... whatever. Go now.
Gandalf: Well said.
Merry: Elegantly put.
Boromir: With the eloquence of a master.
Gandalf: Frodo, lead the way.
Frodo walks to a doorway leading into the forest. The path splits.
Frodo: Mordor. Which way is it, Gandalf? Left or right?
Gandalf: Right. No wait! It’s left. I think... yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s left.
Frodo: If we walk thousands of miles to the wrong side of Middle-Earth, you can go back and destroy the Ring yourself, Gandalf.
Gandalf: No, I know it’s left!
Aragorn glances back at Arwen and then follows the fellowship out of Rivendell. Show the fellowship walking through fields and hills and valleys. Show the fellowship stopped at a rocky area on a hill. Sam is cooking sausages on the fire. Boromir, Merry, and Pippin are sword fighting.
Boromir (fighting with Pippin): Two, one, five. Good.
Aragorn: Move your feet.
Boromir: Two, one, five.
Merry: You look good, Pippin.
Pippin: Why thank you.
Gimli and Gandalf are talking.
Gimli: If anyone were to ask for my opinion, which I note they’re not, I’d say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin will give us a royal welcome.
Gandalf: No Gimli, I would not pass through Moria unless I had no other choice.
Gimli: What have you got against Balin?
Gandalf: The last time I saw him, he was dancing on a table in nothing but his birthday suit, holding two mugs of strong beer and singing “Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star.”
Legolas looks in the air a ways away and sees a strange cloud of black in the air. Show Boromir and Pippin fighting again. Boromir cuts Pippin’s hand.
Pippin kicks Boromir.
Pippin: Get him! Kill him!
Merry and Pippin jump on Boromir, who falls to the ground. The hobbits start tickling him.
Aragorn: Gentlemen, that’s enough.
Aragorn tries to lift Merry and Pippin off of Boromir. They grab his legs and Aragorn falls on his back.
Sam (looking at the cloud): What is that?
Gimli: Nothing. It’s just a wisp of cloud.
Legolas: A wisp of black cloud?
Gimli: Uh, yeah.
Legolas: Moving that fast?
Gimli: Well, it’s a fast cloud.
Legolas: Against the wind?
Gimli: Um... well... yeah.
Legolas: With wings?
Gimli: Hey, I’m not a rocket scientist, okay?! I can’t explain everything!
Legolas: Crebain from Dunland!
Pippin: Crabeye from Bunland?
Aragorn: Hurry! Take cover!
Legolas: No... these are no crows... HOLY CRAP! FLYING MONKEYS!!
The members of the fellowship all hide behind rocks and bushes. The “cloud” comes. It is a flock of flying monkeys. They circle the hill and fly away. The fellowship comes out from their hiding places.
Gandalf: Spies of Saruman. The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras.
Gimli: What we really need right now is a stealth plane.
Show the fellowship walking up a huge, snowy mountain. Frodo trips and falls. He rolls down the snowy slope and Aragorn catches him.
Aragorn: Don’t be a klutz! If you keep acting like this, we’ll never make it to Mount Doom.
Frodo feels around on his chest for the Ring. He looks up the slope and it is lying in the snow. Boromir picks it up.
Boromir: It is strange...
Frodo: What’s strange?
Frodo: What’s strange about it?
Boromir: It just is...
Boromir: It’s so small...
Frodo: Yeah? So?
Boromir: It’s so beautiful...
Frodo: Well you can’t have it.
Aragorn: Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo!
Boromir walks up to Frodo and gives him the Ring.
Boromir: Anytime you feel like giving it to me, don’t be afraid to.
Show Aragorn, who is clutching his sword on his belt.
Cut to scene of the flock of flying monkeys flying into an Isengard cavern. Saruman is standing inside.
Saruman: So, Gandalf, you try to lead them over Caradhras. And if that fails, where then will you go? Will you risk a more dangerous road?
Show scene of the fellowship trudging through very deep snow on a cliff on the mountain. There is a blizzard. Legolas is the only one on top of the snow. He walks lightly to the front of the group and looks out in the air. He hears a voice echoing in the mountains.
Legolas: There is a foul, stinking, horrid voice in the air!
Gandalf: It’s Saruman!
There is a loud cracking as boulders fall off the top of the mountain and hit the edge of the cliff, narrowly missing the fellowship.
Aragorn: He’s trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back!
Gandalf: No! I’m not gonna go back! I didn’t come all this way to have a grimy little ranger tell me to go back!
Gandalf stands up on top of the snow. He starts saying an enchantment. Show Saruman standing on top of Orthanc saying enchantments. Many dark clouds begin to crowd around the top of the mountain. Cut to scene of the fellowship on the mountain. A bolt of lightning hits the mountain. A shower of snow falls through the air.
Gimli: This is really bad!
Aragorn: Everyone! Turn you transceivers on!
The snow lands on top of the fellowship. There is a moment of silence, and then arms begin to break the surface of the snow. Everybody climbs out.
Boromir: We must get off the mountain! We shall make for the Gap of Rohan and then go to my city!
Aragorn: The Gap of Rohan leads us too close to Isengard! Saruman will fry us all and put us in boxes of cereal called “Crispy Crunch: now with extra hobbits!”
Gimli: We cannot pass over a mountain. Let us go under it. Let us go through the Mines of Moria.
Gandalf: No! I won’t endure another round of “Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star” from Balin!
Gimli: I’ll tell him to sing another song!
Gandalf: The guy can’t sing at all!
Gandalf: ...But there is not much choice. Frodo! You decide!
Frodo: Eh... um... does Moria have pinball machines?
Frodo: Pool tables?
Gimli: Oh yes! And the best darn pool players in Middle-Earth!
Frodo: Alright! Let’s go to Moria!
Gandalf: So be it...
Show the walls of Moria and the fellowship walking towards it. Gandalf comes to a bumpy part of the path.
Gandalf: Frodo! Help an old man.
Frodo helps Gandalf over the rocky path.
Gandalf: How is you shoulder?
Frodo: Better than it was.
Gandalf: And the Ring?
Frodo: It would have been better with some balsamic vinegar.
Frodo: I tried licking it. It tasted too plain. It tasted really metallic.
Gandalf: Why did you... oh, never mind.
The fellowship walks up to the gates of Moria. The inscription on the door starts glowing. There is a lake in front of the door. Frodo slips and his foot falls in. He pulls it out.
Merry: What does the door read?
Gandalf: It says: “Speak friend and enter.”
Merry: What’s that mean?
Gandalf: I’m not sure. The door needs a password of some kind.
Gandalf pauses to think.
Gandalf: Frog’s phone exile!
The door doesn’t open.
Merry: Why did you think that was the password?
Gandalf: That was just a guess. “Speak Friend And Enter... S-F-A-E... Spoiled Fungus with Aspartame Eggs!
The door stays shut.
Pippin: Silly Frogs with Allied Eagles!
Merry: Saruman has Fun with Awful Evil!
Boromir: Sluggish Foxes are Absolutely Excellent!
Legolas: Sago is Fun for Absolutely Everyone!
The door still doesn’t open.
Frodo: What’s the Elvish word for friend?
The door slowly rumbles open. The fellowship enters.
Gimli (to Legolas): Soon, master elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the dwarves! Roaring fires, gallons of vodka, raw meat off the bone! You just have to hope you won’t get a tapeworm!
Gandalf lights up a cigarette.
Gandalf (puffing the cigarette): Oh yeah...
Boromir: That’s not enough light.
Gandalf (lighting up a cigar): If you say so.
Boromir: That’s still not enough light.
Gandalf (lighting up his staff): Alright...
Gimli: This is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!
Pippin: Why d’you suppose they call it a mine?
Gimli: Because it IS a mine, stupid little hobbit.
Boromir: This is no mine. It’s a mineral excavation site.
Gimli: No it isn’t! Didn’t you just hear me say it was a mine?!
Aragorn: It’s not a mine. It’s a tomb.
Boromir: Well, I wouldn’t say it would be so much of a tomb as rather a network of catacombs.
Scary music begins playing.
Gimli looks at his feet to find the skeleton of a dwarf.
Gimli: Oh... OH... OHHHHH!
Sam: What’s the matter?
Gimli: I stubbed my toe on this stupid skeleton of a... OH MY GOD! THEY’RE ALL DEAD!
Boromir: Well, they’re not as much dead as in a permanently unconscious state.
Legolas (pulling an arrow out of the head of a dwarf skeleton and examining it): Goblins!
The fellowship readies their weapons.
Boromir: We make for the gap of Rohan. We should never have come here.
Frodo looks at his feet and sees something moving.
Boromir: Now get out of here. GET OUT!
Frodo gets pulled to the floor by a tentacle. The tentacle pulls him out the door.
Frodo: AHH! Help!
Boromir: I don’t think it’s as much “Help!” as “Come to my aid, I require immediate assistance!”
Sam begins slashing at the tentacle with his sword.
Aragorn looks at Frodo.
Sam (trying to cut the tentacle): GET OFF HIM OR I’LL CRUSH YOUR SKULL, IMPLODE YOUR FACE, SHRED YOUR GUTS, AND MAKE CALAMARI OUT OF YOUR TENTACLES!!
The tentacle lets go of Frodo and goes back into the water.
Sam: There! I sure showed him a thing or two!
About eight tentacles burst out of the water. One of them grabs Frodo and lifts him into the air. Aragorn tries to cut some of the tentacles. The huge face of the Watcher rises out of the water.
Boromir cuts off a tentacle. Frodo comes falling down into Boromir’s arms.
Boromir: OOF! You’re fat!
Frodo knees Boromir in the stomach. Boromir barfs all over Frodo.
Gandalf: INTO THE MINES! FOR GOD’S SAKE!!
The Watcher lifts its head out of the water. Legolas shoots it. The Watcher climbs out of the water as the fellowship runs inside the doorway to the mines. The Watcher’s tentacles rips the ceiling apart and the entrance implodes. Everything is dark and quiet.
Gandalf: Oh, great phooey.
Gandalf lights up his staff.
Gandalf: We now have two choices. We either must face the long dark of Moria, or we can sit around and do nothing ‘til the slugs come home.
Legolas: I think the saying’s “’til the cows come home.”
Gandalf: Oh, bull. What would you know about cows?
Gandalf: Be on your guard. There are older, more foul things than orcs in the deep places of the world... dragons, basilisks, lawyers...
Frodo: Hey! Don’t make fun of lawyers. I’m gonna be one when I grow up.
Sam looks at Frodo with a worried look on his face.
Sam: Don’t worry, mister Frodo. I’ll save you from such a horrible fate.
Gandalf: Quietly now. It’s a four-day journey to the other side.
Merry: Four days?! I’ll have grown a beard by then!
Gandalf: Oh, there’s nothing wrong with beards. They’re very handy for setting on fire and frightening enemies. Crushing their fragile souls until only a bucket of nil is left, allowing their terrified bodies to be creamed.
Everyone stares at Gandalf.