Fade into title.
Voice of Galadriel: I can feel it in the air, the water, the... wait, that’s not the way to do it! Ah, let’s just skip this whole part about where the ring goes.
Voice of Elrond: You can’t do that!
Voice of Galadriel: Oh yes I can.
Fade into the Shire where Frodo is reading law books and sitting against a tree.
Frodo turns his head as he hears Gandalf humming “Row Row Row your Boat.”
Frodo leaps up and smiles. He runs to Gandalf, who is riding in his cart.
Frodo: You’re late.
Gandalf (looking up from the cart): A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to!
Gandalf: Actually, you’re right. I am late.
(even longer pause)
Frodo smiles and laughs and Gandalf joins in the laughing. Frodo jumps onto Gandalf.
Gandalf: ACK! My back! Just kidding.
Frodo: It’s wonderful to see you Gandalf!
Gandalf: I would never miss Bilbo’s birthday party!
Frodo: But you missed the last eight ones.
Gandalf: Oh. Yeah.
Cut to scene of Frodo and Gandalf riding on cart through the Shire.
Gandalf: So how is the old rascal?
Frodo: He’s gettin’ old.
Gandalf: Well duh! He’s one hundred and eleven years old! Ya gotta expect him to be a dried-up old prune by this time.
Show scene of little hobbit kids running after cart shouting about Gandalf. Show the hobbit kids sighing and stop chasing the cart. They scream with joy and delight when Gandalf’s cart releases a bunch of fireworks. Gandalf and Frodo laugh. The cart pulls into the Bag End parking lot.
Frodo (hopping off cart): I’m glad you’re here, Gandalf.
Gandalf: So am I, dear boy! So am I.
Gandalf walks in gate of Bag End, which reads: “No Admittance Except on Party Business or When Giving Away Sweet Pastries.” Gandalf knocks on door.
Voice of Bilbo from inside house: No thank you! I won’t have any more visitors or relatives!
Gandalf: I’m Gandalf, a very old friend, but I’ll just leave now.
Bilbo (opening the door): Gandalf?
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins.
Bilbo: Oh, Gandalf!
Gandalf and Bilbo hug.
Gandalf (looking at Bilbo): You haven’t aged a day! Ha ha! No, you’re older than dirt.
Bilbo: Come in! Come in! Would you like something to eat? I’ve got some “Gagrat’s Orc Rum,” if you want to drink something.
Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.
Gandalf turns and bumps into a chandelier. It falls to the floor and smashes. Gandalf turns again and whacks his head on the roof.
Gandalf: OH! (curses obscenely)
Bilbo: What’s that you say? Never mind, you’re tea’s almost ready! Do you want some of this old bread?
Gandalf looks at some maps on the table. Bilbo walks into the doorway and finds that Gandalf has disappeared.
Bilbo: I could get you some smelly old cheese if you’d li... Gandalf?
Gandalf appears behind Bilbo.
Gandalf: Just tea, thank you.
Bilbo: All right.
Bilbo (stuffing food into his mouth): You don’t want some food, do ye?
Gandalf: No, no.
Voices and knocking noises come from the door and Bilbo backs against the wall.
Bilbo: It’s the Sackville Bagginses. They’re gonna kill me for living this long! I’ve had enough of these pesky relatives hanging on the door! I want to see mountains again, mountains, Gandalf, and volcanoes, and then find somewhere noisy where I can finish my book.
Gandalf: I think you’ve played enough with that stupid book.
Bilbo: Not quite. I feel... old.
Gandalf: You are old.
Bilbo: Rub it in! I feel like bread stretched over too much butter... no, butter scraped over too much bread! Or is it... nah.
Switch to night scene of Gandalf and Bilbo smoking pipes. Bilbo blows a perfect sphere cloud of smoke and lets it float. Gandalf blows a smoke cloud shaped like a missile. It shoots toward the sphere and blows it up.
Bilbo: Gandalf, my friend... this will be a night to remember.
Quickly cut to scene of Gandalf blasting fireworks at the party. People dance and scream and laugh. Show scene of Rosie dancing. Show Sam at table looking at her and slowly looking back at his ale.
Frodo: Come on Sam! Go ask Rosie for a dance!
Sam (sighing): I think I’ll just have another ale.
Frodo: Oh no you don’t!
Frodo grabs Sam by the arm and flings him over to Rosie. He starts dancing with her clumsily.
Cut to scene of Merry and Pippin at the back of Gandalf’s cart. Pippin jumps onto the pile of fireworks in the cart and starts rooting through them.
Merry: No, no, the big one! The big one!
Pippin grabs a rocket shaped like a weasel. Merry and Pippin run into a tent and light the fuse on the rocket.
Merry: You’re supposed to stick it in the ground!
Pippin: It is in the ground! Oops, no it isn’t.
Merry: You idiot!
Show scene of tent exploding and rocket lifting up the tent roof and ripping through it. The rocket explodes and a fiery weasel flies out of it. The weasel flies over the hobbits in the crowd and they scream and run. Tables tip over and people crouch down.
Frodo: Bilbo! Look out! There’s a weasel!
Bilbo: Weasel? Nonsense; there hasn’t been a weasel in this place since...
Frodo pushes Bilbo to the ground and the weasel flies overhead. The hobbits look up and see the weasel shrink and then explode. The hobbits cheer.
Pippin: That sucked.
Merry: Yeah, we better get a bigger one.
Gandalf picks up Merry and Pippin by the ears and they scream.
Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. I should have known.
Switch to scene of Merry and Pippin shovelling pig poo.
Hobbits: Speech! Speech!
Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses, and Proudfoots.
Hobbit in the crowd with his feet on a table: Proud feet!
Bilbo: And my dear Fatheads.
Hobbit in crowd with metal support rods on his shoulders to hold up his huge head: Fat heads!
Bilbo: As you should know, unless you’re a dimwit, today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday!
Hobbit in crowd (raising his hand): I’m a dimwit!
Bilbo: Obviously. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
Cut to crowd of hobbits looking at each other with puzzled looks.
Bilbo: And I don’t like more than half of you half as well as you deserve, and I like the other half of you much more than you deserve to be liked.
Hobbits look around, frowning.
Bilbo: I’m old now, and I should be gone. So here I go. Bye-bye. Tootle-oo. Adios. Au revoir. So long. See you in Hell.
Bilbo disappears. Show hobbits gasping and looking around. Show nothingness walk up the Bag End sidewalk. The door opens. Inside, Bilbo reappears and flips the Ring with his thumb. He walks into the living room and Gandalf is standing behind him.
Gandalf: I suppose you think that is terribly funny.
Bilbo (quickly looking at Gandalf): Yeah!
Gandalf: There are many magic rings in this world, and none of them should be used for fun.
Gandalf: You are leaving the Ring to Frodo, aren’t you?
Bilbo: Yes, it’s right on the mantelpiece. Wait... no, it’s here in my pocket. How stupid of me.
Bilbo: Then again, why shouldn’t I keep it?
Gandalf: You must leave it.
Bilbo: I found, it’s mine, it came to ME!
Gandalf: Well there’s no need to get angry.
Bilbo: Well, if I’m angry it’s your fault! It’s mine, my own... my precious.
Gandalf: It’s been called that before, but not by you.
Bilbo: Duh! You should know that!
Show room get dark and Gandalf grow tall.
Gandalf (in a menacing voice): BILBO FREDERICK BAGGINS! You will give that ring to Frodo or you won’t like what happens next!!
Bilbo: All right all right. But my middle name isn’t Frederick. It’s Clarence... I think.
Bilbo puts his coat on and grabs his walking stick. He makes for the door.
Gandalf: The Ring is still in your pocket.
Bilbo: Oh yes...
Bilbo takes the Ring out of his pocket and slowly tips his hand. Suspense music plays. The music stops and the Ring falls to the floor, rolls around, and falls into the furnace.
Bilbo (pulling the furnace cover off and picking the Ring out): Darn it!
Bilbo puts the Ring on the floor.
Bilbo: I just thought up an ending for my book.
Gandalf: And what is that?
Bilbo: “And he lived happily ever after... until he snuffed it.”
Gandalf: And I’m sure you will.
Bilbo: You really think I’ll live happily ever after?
Gandalf: No, I’m sure you’ll snuff it.
Bilbo (mumbling and going out the door): Stupid moron.
Show Gandalf kneeling down to the Ring and touching it. The Eye of Sauron flashes across the screen.
Gandalf recoils in horror.
Show Gandalf sitting in front of Bilbo’s fireplace and mumbling “precious.” Silhouette of Frodo comes in the door.
Frodo: Bilbo? Bil...
Frodo kneels down and picks up the Ring.
Frodo (walking up to Gandalf): He’s left, hasn’t he? He talked so long about leaving... I didn’t think he’d really do it.
Gandalf: And he’ll snuff it, too.
Frodo: That’s really nice, Gandalf. Been watching the Action channel lately?
Gandalf: No, my satellite dish broke on Thursday.
Gandalf: Yes. My satellite dish doesn’t work, Bilbo has left, and Bilbo will snuff it. But he’s left you Bag End... and the Ring.
Cut to scene of Gandalf riding a horse to Minas Tirith. He walks through a hallway and comes to a dusty study room.
Gandalf (sitting down and shuffling through papers): Precious. Precious. Ah... the year 3434. “It is precious to me...”
Cut to ringwraiths riding through the night. Show guard hobbit with lantern.
Guard hobbit: Who’s there?
Show ringwraith pull out sword and spamerize guard.
Cut to Frodo walking into Bag End. He walks in. Inside it is dark and drafty. Frodo slowly walks into the living room. A hand reaches out of the darkness and grabs Frodo. Frodo gasps and whirls around. Gandalf is standing behind him.
Gandalf: BOO! Is it secret? Is it safe?
Cut to Frodo rooting through a file cabinet and pulls out an envelope. He gives it to Gandalf, who throws it in the fire. The envelope burns up.
Frodo: Whoops. That was my Visa bill.
Gandalf (sighing): I want the Ring.
Frodo takes out another envelope and gives it to Gandalf. Gandalf throws it in the fire. The envelope burns up to reveal the Ring.
Gandalf: You told no one about the Ring, did you?
Frodo: Nope! Do I get a cookie?
Gandalf: I heard through the grape vine that the creature Gollum was tortured in Mordor. Orcs questioned him about the Ring. They squeezed three steaming words out of Gollum: Shire. Baggins.
Frodo: That’s two words.
Frodo: Shire... Baggins! But that will lead them to the Shire! And to Baggins...
Gandalf: Good job, Einstein.
Frodo: Oh my god! The Ring cannot stay in the Shire!
Gandalf: Yes, that’s quite obvious. You must take the Ring away from here. Take it to Bree. I will be there. But in the meantime, I have business to do.
Frodo: Number one or number two?
The bushes rustle outside the window.
Gandalf: Get down!
Frodo crouches onto the floor. Gandalf slowly walks up to the window and reaches his staff inside the bush and whacks.
Sam: OW! What the...
Gandalf pulls Sam out of the bush and throws him onto a table.
Gandalf: SAMWISE GAMGEE! How much did you hear!?
Sam: Nothin’ sir, except something about a Ring and a Gullom. No, Gollum. Yeah. But please don’t shred me or dice me or anythin’ nasty!
Gandalf looks at Frodo.
Gandalf: No, Sam. I have a better use for you. And Frodo, you can get off the floor now.
Cut to scene of Gandalf, Frodo, and Sam walking on a path with a horse.
Gandalf: Come on, Samwise! Hurry up, you slug!
Show Gandalf on horse in forest with Sam and Frodo.
Gandalf: I have business with someone, so I’m dumping you. Goodbye.
Frodo: Business with someone? Number one or number two?
Gandalf: What? HEY! That’s sick!
Gandalf rides off on his horse and leaves Sam and Frodo standing there.
Sam: We best get going, Mr. Frodo.
Cut to scene of Sam and Frodo walk through a field. Frodo keeps walking, but Sam stops. Frodo stops and looks behind him.
Sam: If I take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home I’ve ever been.
Sam walks up to Frodo.
Frodo: You know what Bilbo always says, Sam. If you sweep your step off your door... no, if you swept off step your... door... ahckk! I can’t remember what he said.
Cut to scene of Gandalf riding his horse up to Isengard.
Voice of Saruman: Gandalf the Grey rides to my tower to bug me or something...
Gandalf (bowing): Saruman.
Saruman: Is that not why you are here, Gandalf?
Gandalf: It’s even better than that!
Cut to scene of Gandalf and Saruman in Saruman’s study.
Gandalf: The Ring-bearer has gone to Bree, for I fear the Nazgul are looking for him.
Saruman: Gone to brie? Wha... but... that’s a cheese.
Gandalf: The town Bree, you stupid butthole!
Saruman: Oh. They will only go to Bree. They will find him.
Gandalf: Geez, you’re a pessimist!
Saruman: It is true. The Great Eye sees all!
Gandalf: How do you know all this?
Saruman: I’m not stupid. Besides, I have seen it.
Cut to Gandalf and Saruman walking into the main Isengard room. There is a stone table with a cloth over it. There is a lump under the cloth. Saruman lifts the cloth off to reveal a nice big ham roast.
Gandalf: But a ham roast is a very dangerous thing! You will get fat and stupid if you eat it!
Saruman: Oops! Wrong altar!
Saruman walks over to another stone table and pulls the cloth off the top to reveal a Palantir.
Gandalf: But a Palantir is a very dangerous thing! You will get evil and corrupt if you use it!
Saruman: Well what am I going to do then? Use a tennis ball?
Gandalf flings the cloth back over the Palantir. The Eye of Sauron flashes across the screen.
Saruman: You do not think that one hobbit can overcome the might of Sauron, do you Gandalf?
Saruman: The Nazgul will find the Ring... and kill the one who carries it. We cannot overcome the forces of Mordor, Gandalf... we must join Sauron!
Gandalf: You suck a lot! I have a question: How come you suck so much!?
Saruman blasts his staff power at Gandalf. Gandalf flies over and hits the wall. Gandalf pulls out his staff and uses its power to throw Saruman into the air. Saruman falls back to the floor and blasts Gandalf. Gandalf spins around on the floor and flies up and up and up until he hits the roof. Quickly cut to Sam walking alone through a path in a field of tall corn. He stops and looks around.
Sam: Mr. Frodo?
Sam (gasping): Mr. Frodo!
Frodo appears in a turn in the path.
Sam: Frodo! Oh, I thought I’d lost you!
Frodo: You worry about me too much, Sam. What am I gonna do, snuff it?
Frodo (laughing): Don’t worry about me, Sam. We’re still in the Shire. What can happen to us here?
Merry and Pippin jump out of the corn and fall on top of Sam and Frodo.
Pippin (looking at Frodo): Frodo! Merry, it’s Frodo!
Merry (getting off Sam): Hello, Frodo!
Sam (pulling Pippin off of Frodo): Get off, ya lousy chunk of...
Dogs bark in field and Farmer Maggot shouts at the hobbits to get out of his field. Pippin has an armful of veggies. He runs away with Frodo and Merry and puts the veggies in Sam’s arms. Sam looks at the veggies and runs away, eating as much as his fat little hands can manage. The four hobbits run and run until Merry gets to a steep hill. He quickly stops and the rest of the hobbits crash into him, sending them all rolling down the hill. They stop at the bottom of the hill were there is a road. Pippin has his face stuck in a pile of horse dung.
Merry: Ohh, I think I’ve broken something... oh!
Merry pulls out a snapped carrot from his pocket.
Sam: Trust a Brandybuck and a Took...
Merry: Oh, suck it up, Sam. That was just a detour. A shortcut.
Sam: Shortcut to what!?
All the hobbits except Frodo start picking from a patch of mushrooms, stuffing their faces as fast as their fat little hands can manage. Frodo looks down the road.
The hobbits get off the road as a car drives past. They go back to picking mushrooms on the road.
Frodo (looking down the road): I think we should get off the road.
The other hobbits ignore him. Show the road shrink eerily in front of Frodo. Scary music plays.
Frodo: GET OFF THE ROAD! There’s freaky music playing!
The hobbits run into the forest. They hide in a hole under a tree root. Show a ringwraith walk up on a horse and get off. The ringwraith crouches down and puts its hands on the root. It sniffs and sneezes. Show centipedes, worms, and spiders crawling out of the dirt and climb over the hobbits. Scary music plays. Merry pulls out the bag of mushrooms and throws it into the bush. The Nazgul screeches and runs over into the bush. The hobbits make a break for it. Cut to night scene of hobbits running through the forest.
Merry: That thing was looking for something... Frodo?
The Nazgul jumps out from behind some bushes and chases the hobbits. They run under the Nazgul’s horse and try to escape. They hide under a bush as the ringwraith looks around.
Frodo: Sam and I need to get to Bree...
Merry: All right! I like brie!
Frodo: The town Bree, you idiot.
Merry: Bucklebury Ferry. Follow me!
The hobbits run to a dock where a large car ferry is waiting. Merry, Pippin, and Sam jump on. The ferry blows its horn and begins to cross the river. Frodo runs and runs as the ringwraith chases him. Frodo jumps off the dock and over the water. He slams down on top of a car on the ferry and the Nazgul slides to a stop. It screeches and rides back to land, where four more of the Nazgul join it. A ferry manager walks up to the four hobbits. Frodo pulls out a ticket and gives it to the manager.
Manager: Four foot passengers. Where to?
Frodo: We’re going to Bree.
Cut to scene of the four hobbits with their rain hoods up and it is raining. They come to the wooden wall of Bree and knock. An old man opens a small hatch in the wall. He looks around and shuts the hatch. He then opens another hatch lower down.
Gatekeeper: Whaddaya want?
Frodo: Our business is our own.
Gatekeeper: Hobbits have to answer a few questions before entering.
Frodo: All right, but we haven’t much time.
Gatekeeper: What are your names?
Frodo: I’m Frodo Baggins.
Sam: I’m Samwise Gamgee.
Merry: He’s Peregrin Took.
Pippin: And he’s Meriadoc Brandybuck.
Gatekeeper: What is yer quest?
Frodo: We wish to stay at the inn.
Gatekeeper: What is your favourite colour?
Frodo: Uh... blue.
Merry: Chinese burgundy.
Gatekeeper: Why the heck do ye like Chinese burgundy?
Merry: Mind your own business.
Gatekeeper: I said why the heck do ye like Chinese burgundy?
Merry: Just ‘cause.
Gatekeeper: Okay... why the heck do ye want to stay at the inn?
Sam: Our business is our own, remember?
Gatekeeper: I said why the heck do ye want to stay at the inn?
Frodo: We’re here to meet a friend.
Gatekeeper: Who’s the friend?
Merry: Stop being so nosy.
Gatekeeper: I said WHO’S THE FRIEND?
Pippin: Uh, he’s called “Drumbag Biddlewheeze.”
Gatekeeper: Is he another hobbit?
Pippin: Yeah, he is.
Gatekeeper: What are ye meeting him for?
Sam: That’s private.
Gatekeeper: I asked you what are ye meeting him for?
Frodo: We can’t tell you that.
Gatekeeper: I’m going to have to ask you to leave...
The hobbits hear a Nazgul scream in the forest a ways away.
Frodo: You must let us in! We’re being chased!
A man walks up to the gatekeeper.
Man: What’re ya doin’!? Let them in, ya scurvy bag o’ lard!
The gatekeeper opens the door and lets the hobbits in. They walk through Bree and walk into “The Prancing Porcupine.” Inside, they walk to the front desk.
Manager: Whassup, hobbits? Ya want some wicked hobbit cribs? Or do ya just wanna dig the party? What’s yer name, eh?
Frodo: My name is Loretta, and these are my minions. We’re looking for Gandalf the Grey, could you tell him we’ve arrived?
Manager: Gandalf? Gandalf... OH YES Gandalf old dude, grey beard, pointy hat! Ain’t seen ‘im fer six months!
Show hobbits looking dismayed. The hobbits sit down at a table and have some ale. Merry comes to the table from the counter and sits down with a large mug full of ale.
Pippin: What’s that!?
Merry: This, my idiot friend, is a kilolitre.
Pippin: They come in kilolitres!? I’m getting one!
Sam: You’ve had a whole half already!
Sam looks at Frodo and gestures to a man sitting in the corner of the room with a hood casting a shadow over his face. He is smoking a pipe.
Sam: That man’s been nothing but looking at us for the last eight hours.
Frodo: But we’ve only been here fifteen minutes.
Sam: Geez, I’m bored.
The manager walks by carrying two mugs.
Frodo: Excuse me? Who’s that man over in the corner?
Manager: ‘E’s one o’ them rangers. Dangerous dudes, they are, wanderin’ the wild. Best watch out for ‘im.
Frodo hears Pippin talking about him to other people in the bar. Frodo runs over to Pippin.
Pippin: ...Frodo Baggins. He’s over there. He’s my third cousin eighteen times removed on my mother’s side. Or something like that.
Frodo: You’re not supposed to tell anyone my real name!
Frodo grabs Pippin, who drops his ale. Frodo slips on the ale and lets go of Pippin. Frodo falls to the floor and the Ring flies out of his pocket. The ranger in the corner of the room sits up, and the Ring falls onto Frodo’s finger when he tries to catch it. Frodo disappears. Show Frodo’s view of the people around him as dark, wispy shapes. The crowd of people parts to reveal the Eye of Sauron.
Sauron: I SEE YOU... GIVE ME A HUG! HEHEH HEH HEEH!
Show Frodo pulling the ring off his finger. He reappears in the Prancing Porcupine. He sighs and the ranger grabs him and drags him to a bedroom upstairs.
Ranger: I suppose you think that is terribly funny.
Frodo: No way! That sucked worse than something that sucks a lot!
Ranger: Call me Strider. Are you frightened?
Frodo: Heck yes! I nearly crapped myself!
Ranger: Not nearly enough. I know what hunts you.
Frodo: So do I.
Ranger (now called Strider): Don’t talk back to me, young man!
Strider flips his hood back. The bedroom door smashes down and the other hobbits come in. Sam is holding his fists up, Pippin is holding a chair, and Merry is holding an AK-47.
Sam: Give Frodo back or I’ll dent your skull!
Frodo: Sam! I thought that I had a non-bloodthirsty best friend!
Cut to scene of the Nazgul riding to Bree. The gatekeeper opens the hatch. His eyes grow wide and the Ringwraiths bust down the wall, which flattens the gatekeeper like a bug on a windshield. Show the hobbits sleeping in Bree in a bedroom and the Nazgul walking in. They lift their swords and stab the beds. Frodo wakes up from his dream and hears screeching outside. Strider is sitting by the window, watching the Nazgul ride around.
Frodo: What are they?
Strider: They are the Nazgul. Ringwraiths. They were once men, each given rings of power... now they are neither living nor dead, and... neither living nor dead!? That can’t be right... can it? Hmm.
Cut to scene of Strider and the four hobbits walking through a snowy forest.
Sam (to Frodo): I just don’t trust this ranger guy. He’s big, he’s got a beard, and he doesn’t smell too dandy, either.
Strider glares at Sam.
Sam: Where’s he leadin’ us?
Strider: To Rivendell, Master Gamgee. To the house of Elrond.
Sam: Totally awesome! We’re going to see the elves!
Switch to scene of bushy area and the hobbits settling down for a meal. Strider turns around.
Strider: Gentlemen. We do not stop until nightfall.
Pippin: Well what about breakfast?
Strider: We’ve already had it.
Pippin: We’ve had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?
Strider stares incredulously at Pippin and starts walking again.
Merry: I don’t think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: Very funny.
Merry: No, really.
Pippin: What? What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? Uber-supper? Ultra-uber-super-supper? He knows about them, doesn’t he?
Merry: I wouldn’t count on it.
An apple thrown by Strider (now called Aragorn) flies out from behind a bush. Merry catches it and gives it to Pippin. Another apple flies out from behind the bush and hits Pippin in the head. Pippin’s eyes start rolling and he falls down on the ground.
Cut to scene of Aragorn (with Pippin on his shoulder, drooling down his back) and the hobbits walking through a muddy marsh. Merry slaps at a swarm of flies all over his face.
Merry: What do they eat when they can’t get hobbits?
Show a night scene in the marsh and Aragorn carrying a dead deer to a campfire where the hobbits are sitting.
Aragorn (singing): We’re gonna go huntin’, we’re gonna kill somethin’, I don’t care what it is, maybe a racoon, maybe a gopher, or maybe the neighbour’s kids!
Pippin (looking at the deer): Ewww...
Cut to scene of all the hobbits sleeping in the marsh. Aragorn is quietly singing in Elvish. Frodo wakes up.
Frodo: Who is she? This woman you sing of?
Aragorn: ‘Tis the lady of Lúthien. The Elf-maiden who gave her love to Beren, a mortal.
Frodo: Sounds like a real nutcase...
Aragorn (shouting): GET THE H#!! BACK TO SLEEP, FRODO!
Frodo (mumbling): What a git...
Cut to scene of Saruman with his hand above the Palantir.
Saruman: The power of Isengard is at your command, Sauron, Lord of the Earth.
Sauron’s voice: I want the ham.
Saruman: No. That’s my ham.
Sauron’ voice: Give me the ham or I shall smite you!
Saruman: Okay fine, I’ll have it couriered over.
Sauron’s voice: Build me an army worthy of Mordor.
Cut to scene of Saruman sitting in his study. Orcs come in.
Orc: What orders from Mordor, my lord? What does the eye command?
Saruman: We have a lot of stuff to do!
Cut to scene of orcs ripping down trees around Isengard.
Orc: The trees are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep.
Saruman: Aww, poor baby! Rip them all down, you miserable muttering moron!
Cut to scene of Aragorn walking up a hill. There is a tall round plateau with rocky ruins on top.
Aragorn: This was the great watchtower of Amon Sûl.
Merry: A real fixer-upper.
Aragorn: We shall rest here tonight.
Cut to scene of the hobbits and Aragorn in the watchtower. Aragorn opens a bundle of four swords. He gives them to the hobbits.
Aragorn: These are for you. Keep them close. I’m going to have a look around.
Frodo (looking at his sword): Cool...
Aragorn: Stay here.
Cut to scene of Frodo sleeping. He hears the other hobbit’s voices.
Pippin’s voice: My tomato’s burst.
Merry’s voice: Well duh, you stabbed it with your sword.
Sam’s voice: Could I have some bacon?
Pippin: Ultra-fat or mega-fat?
Merry’s voice: Want a tomato, Sam?
Frodo gets up and looks at the other hobbits. They have a fire going and are cooking food.
Frodo: What the devil are you doing?!
Merry: Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy ultra-fat and mega-fat bacon.
Sam: We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo (waving his cape through the fire to put it out): Put it out, you totally ridiculous idiotic fools! Put it out!!
Show scene of the watchtower from far away. There is a small light where the fire is. It goes out. The hobbits voices echo loudly from the watchtower.
Pippin’s voice: Oh, that’s nice! Ash on my tomatoes!
The Ringwraith’s screams start echoing all around. Show the hobbits look down from the tower. Five Ringwraiths ride through the mist on the ground. The hobbits pull out their swords.
Frodo (to the other hobbits): Go!
The hobbits run up stairs to the top of the tower. Scary music plays. The hobbits look all around them. The five Nazgul slowly walk up to where the hobbits are. They take out their swords and point them at the hobbits. Sam jumps forward and starts clanking swords with a Nazgul.
Sam: Back, you devils!
The Nazgul quickly shoves Sam aside and then pushes Merry and Pippin out of the way. They then start heading for Frodo. Frodo backs away and drops his sword. He falls on the ground. Sauron’s voice whispers to Frodo. Frodo takes out the Ring. The Nazgul all look at it and walk toward it. They raise their swords to stab Frodo. Frodo puts the Ring on and disappears. All the Ringwraiths turn white and wispy. The Witch-King reaches forward for the Ring. Frodo pulls it away and the Witch-King stabs him. Frodo screams in pain. Then Aragorn comes with a sword and a torch and begins fighting the Nazgul. Frodo pulls the Ring off and shouts in pain again.
Sam: Oh, mister Frodo!
Frodo: Sam! This is it! I’m dying, Sam! Eat my body! But please, if you ever make it back, recycle this for me!
Frodo hands Sam a Coke bottle.
Sam: I swear, I will!
Frodo: Actually, no, I’m not dying at the moment. But I think I need a Band-Aid!
Aragorn continues to fight the Nazgul. He scares off four of them and then throws his torch into the Witch-King’s face. The Witch-King screams and runs away, flaming.
Witch-King: Auugh! Hot damn! Hot damn! Oi! This’ll destroy my beautiful ivory complexion!
Aragorn runs to Frodo.
Sam: Help him, Strider!
Aragorn: He’s been stabbed by a Morgul blade. This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Elvish medicine and some Tylenol pain killers, maybe even morphine.
Cut to scene of Aragorn holding Frodo over his shoulder (Frodo is drooling down Aragorn’s back) and the other hobbits running behind.
Aragorn: Dang, I’ve probably got a ton of drool on my back by now.
Sam: We’re six days from Rivendell! He’ll never make it!
Aragorn: If he keeps salivating like this, you’re right.
Frodo (with his eyes closed): Gandalf! Blllruuugh.