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King Kong Spoof/3

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Contributions welcome by those familiar with the remake

Driscoll: C'mon everybody! Back across the log!

All the sailors rush back onto the log when Kong grabs it.

Driscoll: Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Kong begins shaking the log. The sailors grab on, but two fall off.

Fallen #1: Great. So much for my new shiiiiiiirt!

Fallen #2 (Charlie): Lumpy! Help me!

Lumpy: Hold on Charlie! Let me me this stone out of my boot.

Charlie lets go and falls.

Lumpy: NOOOOOOOO! (He shakes his boot off)

Kong continues shaking. Denham grabs his camera and starts filming.

Driscoll: HOW THE **** CAN YOU THINK OF FILMING AT A TIME LIKE THIS!!!!

Suddenly, Carl loses grip of his camera. It falls.

Denham: Oh, *@#*$&#@!!!

Kong finally picks up the log and throws it into the chasm.

Kong: RRRAAAAGGGRR! (Translation: Like flushing cockroaches down a toilet!)

Cut to Ann running down through the jungle. Suddenly she happens upon a strange, wild-looking man with a long beard, wearing nothing but a loincloth and eating berries.

Ann: Oh, excuse me...

Man: Good heavens, is that you Kelly?

Ann: Kelly???

Man: Yes! My old girlfriend! Oh, I see you're not her. Well, you look almost exactly like her! I'm Chuck Noland. I'm a FedEx worker who's been stranded on this ***** island for four years, with no one to talk to except this ******* volleyball!!!! (He holds up a volleyball with an orcish face painted on it and dry grass stuck in the top for hair)

Ann: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. My name's Ann Darrow.

Chuck: Nice to meet you. I mean, you're so hot and all...

Ann: How long did you say you were stranded here?

Chuck: Four years. Four years of eating fish rrraw and wrrrrigling, evading hungry dinosaurs and giant, angry gorillas!!

Ann: You're telling me.

Chuck: Well, I'd best be movin' on. There're Dragonskins in this area.

Ann: Dragonskins??

Chuck: Yup, big mutant lizards that eat everything they come across. Good luck!

Ann continues running. Suddenly she comes upon a large Dragonskin tearing large bites out of a giant apple pie.

Ann: Oh my...

She turns around and bumps right into another Dragonskin.

Dragonskin #2 (subtitles): 'Ello, Puppy!

Ann screams and runs for a large hollow log. The Dragonskin runs after her.

Dragonskin #2: Hey honey, whatcha runnin' for?

Ann craws into the log. The Dragonskin is right behind her. She goes deeper and deeper, and the Dragonskin starts tearing into the log. It is about to take a bite of her when suddenly something grabs it from behind.

Dragonskin #2: Oh, ******!!!

It gets dragged out, squealing like a pig. Then a crunch.

Dragonskin #2: Goodbye, cruel world.

Dragonskin #1 looks up and runs away. Suddenly a large centipede appears in front of Ann. It crawls toward her along the roof of the log and feels her face with its antennae.

Centipede: Well hello there, Beautiful! What's your name?

Ann: Get away from me, you sicko.

Suddenly another centipede appears on her shoulder.

Centipede #1: Get the ***** out of here, Bert! She's mine!

Centipede #2 (Bert): Oh no she's not! She's...OW!

Ann slaps it repeatedly and falls out the other end of the log. She feels herself all over to make sure there are no more centipedes. Suddenly, a horrible thought occurs to her.

Ann: Wait a minute. That big reptile couldn't have just dragged itself out. Something pulled it! And that something was obviously very big, or it wouldn't have been able to hold it! And whatever it was scared off the other lizard! And whatever it was is eating the first one! And whatever it was is probably going to eat me too!

Suddenly, she hears Dragonskin #2 behind her.

Dragonskin #2: Brilliant, Watson.

She turns around to see a giant, hideous V-rex standing over her, with the Dragonskin in its mouth.

Ann: Wait a minute. I thought T-rexes only had two fingers!

Dragonskin: It's a V-rex, you dimwit! Short for "Vastatosaurus rex", Latin for "Ravager lizard king"! The product of 65 million years of evolution! AAAAAUUUGGH! (The V-rex shakes it around and it dies)

Ann: EEEEEEEK!

She takes off running. The V-rex runs after her. She comes to a small chasm and runs alongside of it. The V-rex follows, trips over a rock and falls headfirst into the chasm, losing the head of the Dragonskin in the process. It gets back up and runs alongside her again. Suddenly she falls on a mudslide and flips and flops and slides all the way down. She comes out and runs to the edge of a small rocky outcropping. She turns over and sees the V-rex coming towards her. It stops, looks around.

V-Rex: RRRAAAUUGH! BLLAAUG! (Translation: *****! I've lost her!)

It looks around again and gives up and walks away. Ann breathes heavily. Suddenly, she hears a low breathing beside her. She slowly turns her head and sees the head of another V-rex.

Ann: Oh, *****! Not another one!

The V-rex gives a deep, growly sinister chuckle, then rams its head against the outcropping. Suddenly it roars in pain.

V-Rex: OOOOOWWWW!!! CRAP THAT HURTS!

Ann falls off and grabs onto a vine. The V-rex is about to eat her when suddenly there's a loud noise from high above on a cliff.

Kong: AAAAAAAEEEEEEAAAUUUEEEEEAAAAAA!

Kong swings down on a vine. Suddenly the vine breaks. Kong slams into the other cliff. Ann's vine breaks and she falls onto the snout of the V-rex. Kong grabs another vine and swings into the V-rex's head. Ann flies off and is about to hit the cliff when Kong grabs her. The V-rex gets up off the ground and goes after Kong. Kong pokes it in the eyes.

V-rex: OOOOOOHHH!

The V-rex bites him on the shoulder and begins to twist. Kong bonks it on the head. He holds Ann in the other hand. Suddenly, the other V-rex appears out of the foliage, finishing its meal. It sees her and comes toward her.

Ann: EEEEEK! LOOK AROUND YOU BIG STUPIDHEAD! LOOOK! YOU BIG DUMB APE LOOK! HHEEELLP!

Kong looks around just as the V-rex is about to eat Ann. He grabs her up and out of reach. The V-rex bites his arm. Kong curses obscenely in gorilla-eze and kicks the V-rex in the stomach. The V-rex vomits all over him. Kong grabs the heads of the two V-rexes and bangs them together. Suddenly, a third V-rex emerges from the foliage and jumps on top of Kong. Kong swings his hand around and slaps them all across the face at the same time. One bites him on the arm. Kong circles his fist in the air and bonks it on the head. In the midst of the fight, all three are headed toward a large gorge. Kong bangs the young V-rex on the head repeatedly and then grabs a boulder and crashes it down on its head. The V-rex makes a goofy face and walks off in a daze, with little birdies flying around its head. Kong punches the other one and throws it down the hill. It falls over and into the gorge. Kong starts sliding and grabs the other V-rex's foot. He throws it over the cliff, but it grabs his foot with its mouth.

Kong: RRRRAAAAARRG! Nnng. (Translation: You son of a tweedy-twirping...Oh forget it.)

The V-rex falls down the cliff. Kong slips and falls over. Ann falls off Kong's shoulder and plummets down the gorge, where she is caught by a bunch of vines hanging from the cliff wall. Kong falls farther down, where he starts punching the first V-rex. Ann finds herself directly above the other V-rex. It opens its mouth.

Ann: Oh crap.

The V-rex snaps at her as it passes. Ann starts trying to swing away.

Ann: Swinging swinging, over the V-rex we go...AAAAAH!

The V-rex rips off a small portion of her dress. Kong looks up, hearing her scream, and jumps up the vines. He grabs the V-rex as it is about to eat Ann and pulls it down. The vines snap, as well as Ann's. She plummets down past the two fighting giants and finds herself caught just beside the other V-rex. It looks at her.

V-rex: GGRRRRRRGGLLL. NNNAAAARRRGGL!! (Translation: Let's swing, shall we?)

It begins swinging towards her. Ann sticks her tongue out and starts to swing sideways. As she passes she narrowly misses the V-rex's gaping mouth. It snaps at her.

V-rex: AAAAAARRRRGGG! (Translation: My tooth! It came out!)

Ann: Say, this is fun! "Evade the V-rex"!

The beast swings toward her again, and manages to rip off another part of her dress. Ann finally realizes the weight of the situation and starts swinging faster. The V-rex grabs her vine as it passes. The vines snap. Both of them plummet to the bottom of the gorge, into the swamp.

Ann: Gross. Now my clothes are dirty.

Suddenly she hears a crash behind her as the V-rex lands in the swamp. She gets splashed with more muck.

Ann: You big stupid...Uh oh.

She runs through the water as the V-rex starts struggling to get up.

Ann: I'm sure the rest of the crew are having a better time than I am!!

Suddenly the V-rex struggles to its feet. It moves forward. Ann turns around and sees it coming toward her.

V-rex: RRRAAAAAARRRGG! AAAAAAARRRRGGG! (Translation: And now it's time for a little Refried Ann!)

Suddenly Kong lands in back of Ann. The V-rex abruptly stops. Ann looks behind her, then back at the V-rex. Then she sticks her tongue out.

Ann: C'mon, come and get me!

The two titans stare at each other.

Kong: AAAAARRRRGGG! LLRRRRRRGGG! (Translation: This is MY gurl! MINE!)

V-rex: LLLLAAAAARRRLLLGG! (Translation: Oh no she's not! She's mine!)

Kong: NNNNNG. BBRRRRRGGGLL!! (Translation: If you want her, come and claim her!)

V-rex: AAAAALLLLGGG! (Translation: Why don't we settle this peaceably?)

Kong: AAAAAARRRRGGG! (Translation: Okay! How about a little "Kong fu" demonstration?)

V-rex: NNNEEEERRRGGG!! (Trans: I'm gonna show you some "Rex kwon do"! Ha ha!)

The monster reptile rushes forward. Kong beats his chest and rushes to meet him. He gives the V-rex a karate chop. The V-rex responds by kicking him in the stomach. Kong vomits all over him. Then he grabs the V-rex by the mouth and bites its tongue out.

V-rex: NNNGGG!!! (Trans: Thanks for removing that nasty canker sore!)

Kong: BLEECH! (He spits the tongue out)

The two start struggling violently. Kong jumps on the reptile's back and starts riding.

Kong: RRRRGGG! (Trans: Giddeyup, horsee!)

The V-rex bucks and throws him off. Kong falls facedown in the mud. He jumps back up and hurls himself at the V-rex. He grabs its jaws and starts trying to pull them apart. The V-rex closes them quickly. Kong punches it in the face and grabs its jaws again. He pulls one all the way down, then the other all the way back. There's a loud crack, and then the V-rex falls over. Kong plays with the jaws, and makes it like a puppet.

Kong (while working the jaws like a puppet): RRRAAAAALLLLGGG! RAAALLLGGG!!!

Suddenly he starts laughing. Then he stands up and beats his chest.

Kong: AAAARRG AARRRRGG AAAAARRRG! (Trans: Me Tarzan, King of Jungle! No wait, that be me Kong, King of Jungle! I mean, Kong of...Oh never mind.)

Ann runs over to him. He refuses to look at her. He starts to turn his head, then turns it away again. Finally, he takes off.

Ann: Wait! EEEP! (She runs after him and he picks her up and tosses her in the air. She lands back in the swamp.)

Ann: You big stupid...

Kong quickly picks her back up and throws her on his shoulder and hustles away.

Cut to Driscoll, Denham, Lumpy, Jimmy and the few left of the crew in the bottom of the log chasm. Jack slowly wakes up and sees several insect legs emerging from the wall. He grabs a bottle of chloroform, pops the top and throws it. The giant mutant insects are crawl back into their caves. Jack runs over to Denham, who is lying on the ground.

Driscoll: Carl! Carl you all right?

Denham: Ooooh, lemme alone. I gotta take a dump.

Driscoll: Do it away from here. (He runs over to Jimmy) Jimmy, you all right?

Jimmy: Sure I am. Despite the fact that that big stupid ancestor of my lawyer's mom just threw my father figure into this *****ing chasm and killed him, I'm doing great! OH DAADDDY! (He begins wailing and blowing his nose on Jack's shirt)

Driscoll: Why must it be my shirt???

We see Lumpy lying in the mud, holding the limp hand of his friend Charlie.

Lumpy: I swear if I ever get back to the top I'll kill that big ****ing ape! I'll kill him I'll kill him and I'll cut off his head and ram it up...

Suddenly the mud begins churning and some giant worm-like creatures (Carnictis) emerge.

Lumpy: Oh my word, those don't look right at all.

The worms' stomachs pop out of their mouths and begin nosing Charlie.

Lumpy: Hey, that's a cool trick! (He tries it and vomits) Hey you big stupid worms! GET OFF MY FRIEND! (He gives them several punches)

Now the bottle of chloroform has run out, and the insects start to come back out. Jack Driscoll gets up and so does Jimmy. Carl finally gets up and goes to look at his camera. It has hit a rock and blown into a zillion pieces with the film torn to shreds. Denham starts to bawl loudly. Driscoll grabs a machete and stands up to a giant cricket-like Weta Rex coming at him.

Driscoll: C'mere, you big son of a *****!!!!

Jimmy: Watch your language.

Driscoll: Sorry. C'mere you big son of a garden pest! C'mere!

The Weta Rex jumps at him and he whacks it in half. He licks the blade to see if the blood tastes good, and immediately spits it out.

Jimmy: Why the ***** did you do that for???

Driscoll: I'm testing new flavors for Willy Wonka.

Jimmy: LOOK OUT!

A giant crab-like creature (Arachno-claw) comes toward him. Jack whacks off one of its pinchers with his machete.

Driscoll: Fresh crab legs everybody!

Carl wipes his eyes and looks at the giant bugs with an evil look. Then he grabs his machete and starts hacking.

Denham: Look everybody! I'm Jason Voorhees without the mask!

Driscoll: Cute. Say, who the heck is Jason Voorhees anyway?

Denham: Why he's the main character from Friday the Thirteenth, you uncultured swine!!!

Driscoll: What the heck is Friday the Thirteenth?

Denham: I have no idea.

Denham starts hacking wildly at a giant mass of Weta Rexes. Several jump on Driscoll.

Driscoll: GET 'EM OFF!! GET THESE ****** THINGS OFF OF ME!

Jimmy grabs a dead crew member's A-K 47 and shoots at the monsters. They explode and fly into a million pieces. One is left on Jack's stomach. Jimmy shoots it. The bullet grazes Jack in the gastrointestinal region.

Driscoll: OOOWWW! OH *@#*$&#%@^*!!!!!!!

Jimmy: Sorry. Watch your language.

Lumpy takes his machete and starts hacking at the Carnictii that are attacking him. He slices the tip off of one of them.

Lumpy: OH MY WORD THAT SMELLS! (He plugs his nose while hacking at the monsters) C'mere you slimy ancestors of lawyers! Well, actually you're more like my brother-in-law. C'mon and taste my blade!

Suddenly one of them grabs his foot.

Lumpy: Why you stinking son of a tapeworm! Leggo! (He starts hacking at it)

Suddenly another one grabs his free arm.

Lumpy: HEY! That's my brand new wristwatch! (He starts hacking at it)

Another one sneaks up on him from behind and grabs his head and forces it back and engulfs it.

Lumpy, faintly: EEEEEWWW! GROOSSSS! THAT'S SICK! YOU'RE DISGUSTING!

One of the remaining crew members starts climbing up the canyon wall. Suddenly a giant claw reaches out and grabs him and pulls him into the hole. Another sailor gets caught by several Arachno-claws and tossed around.

Arachno-claw: Hey everybody, catch!

The three remaining men draw close together as more and more giant insects start coming out.

Driscoll: Enough is enough! I have had it with these dad-blasted insects in this dad-blasted pit!

Suddenly, we hear the sound of an M-16 firing.

Jimmy: YIPPEEE! IT'S CAPTAIN ENGLEHORN WE'RE SAVED!!!!

Suddenly Bruce Baxter swings down into the ravine on a vine.

Baxter: AAAAAAEEEEAAAAAEEEEEAAAUUUUU!!!!

Suddenly his vine breaks. He falls and lands on top of a the carnictis that had Lumpy's head. He lands in the muck.

Baxter: What is this place, a sewer??? Cool, giant worms!

He starts shooting at one (the one that has Lumpy's head). It squeals and suddenly the top comes off.

Lumpy: Thanks Baxter ole pal! I'll never forget this!!! How can I ever repay you??

Baxter: Well, when we get back you can buy me a beer!

Cut to Kong coming to the edge of a lake. He jumps in and swims across and dries himself on the rocks at the other side and sets Ann down briefly. Suddenly, she sees a ripple on the water. Then a giant tentacle comes out.

Ann: Uh oh, it's the Watcher!

Suddenly twenty tentacles lash out as the Watcher's head emerges (play the music from Fellowship of the Ring). It roars and grabs Ann. Kong jumps on its head and starts beating it savagely. It releases Ann and Kong grabs her. Kong bites off several tentacles. The Watcher throws him up the cliff and then starts grabbing at the rocks. Kong reaches the top of the cliff just as it collapses into the water on top of the Watcher.

Watcher: Oh crap.

Kong climbs up through a cave at the top, past numerous ape skeletons.

Ann: I didn't know my sister's mother-in-law had so many relatives here.

Kong hustles out onto the top of a cliff, facing the ocean. The sun is beginning to set. Kong puts Ann down and sits down and watches the sunset. Ann looks at him quizzically, then picks up several smooth rocks and starts juggling. Kong slowly turns to watch, when suddenly each of the eggs slips out of Ann's hands and hits her on the head where they break and deposit slimy yellow stuff all over her hair.

Ann: Oh crap. Those were eggs.

Kong turns back to the sunset, and Ann starts watching too.

Ann: Wow, isn't that beautiful!

Kong looks at her quizzically.

Ann: Yup, it's beautiful. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!! (She points to herself)

Kong yawns and turns back.

Ann: Why you...oh never mind.

Kong puts out his hand.

Ann: You haven't touched anything gross lately have you? Well aside from that big T-rex...I mean V-rex...Oh what the heck.

She steps into his hand and sits down. Kong starts tossing her.

Ann: HEY! HEY STOPPIT YOU BIG DUMB NOODLELOAF!

Kong starts to cry (in a gorilla way, which goes like this: BOOOOWWWAAAAHHAAAAAWBOOOAAA)

Ann: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. Please don't cry! PLEEEEEEAASSE

Kong sniffs and starts stroking her hair.

Ann: Careful for that yolk.

Kong (subtitles): You are mine. My own. My...prrreccioussssss!

Peter Jackson (offscreen): WRONG FILM, ANDY!!

Cut to the crew starting to climb out of the big chasm. Denham is talking about what it's like to drown.

Denham: Just as you go down... for the third and final time... as your head disappears beneath the waves... and your lungs fill with shark excrement... do you know what happens in those last precious seconds before you drown?

Baxter: Come on, dummy! Get up the ***** rope! Come on come on come on come on come oncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon

Denham, not paying attention: Your whole life passes before your eyes. And if you've lived life like a true American, you get to watch it all in color. And I don't mean crappy technicolor. I mean full digital color...On a 50" plasma wide screen...with subtitles...and special bonus features! And als...

Baxter: I don't know what the heck you're talking about!!! NOW COME ON BEFORE THOSE DADGUM INSECTS COME BACK!!!!! C'mon Driscoll, let's go!!!

Driscoll hurries over, his mouth full.

Baxter: What the crap have you been eating????

Driscoll: Iff wwuff iffing kwaffleff...

Baxter: WHAT???

Driscoll: (GULP) I said, I was eating crablegs!

Baxter: Got any more?

Driscoll: Sure, right over there. You gotta cut 'em off first, but they're great rrrraw and w-w-w-wrrrrigling!

Baxter: You're strange. I think I'll pass.

They climb up the rope and meet Captain Englehorn at the top.

Englehorn: Everybody all right?

Baxter: Well aside from a few broken bones and third-degree burns...

Englehorn: You look fine to me.

Baxter: That's what I was gonna say.

Englehorn: That's the thing about cockroaches. No matter how many times you flush 'em down the toilet, they always crawl back up the bowl.

Denham: Hey buddy? I'm outta the bowl. I'm dryin' off my wings and...WAIT A MINUTE!!! ARE YOU CALLING ME A COCKROACH????

Englehorn: Duh.

Denham: Well, your mom's a tarantula!!!!

Suddenly they look across and see Driscoll coming out across the ravine.

Englehorn: Driscoll!!! Where the heck are you goin'??

Driscoll: I'm gonna go get myself a little teensie-weensie!

Englehorn: WHA...?

Driscoll: We've gotta rescue Ann, you...

Englehorn: Are you kiddin'?? She's sure to have been torn to pieces by now! Why I'll bet her legs are lyin' on one side, her heart and intestines are over here and her...

Driscoll: Stop being so graphic!!

Englehorn: Well there's no point in your going after her anymore.

Driscoll: Oh yes there is! Look, just gimme one more chance okay!

Englehorn: All right, but hurry up. If you're not back by tomorrow morning we're leaving you here with the giant chicken!!

Driscoll: It's not a...oh never mind.

He runs off through the jungle. Soon he comes to a large cave. He climbs up through it and sees a large group of demonic-looking bats hanging from the cieling.

Driscoll: Boy, some of you could use some plastic surgery.

He continues climbing until he comes near the entrance. He accidentally knocks a boulder down and Kong wakes up. He sets Ann down to go investigate. Jack ducks behind a rock as Kong looks around and sniffs. Meanwhile Ann is lying on the cliff, when suddenly a large pteradactyl flies in and starts trying to grab her.

Ann: HELP!!! GET THIS BIG UGLY ***** BIRD OFF OF ME!!!!

Kong hears her screaming and comes running back. He sees the pteradactyl and rushes at it.

Pteradactyl: Your mom goes to college!

Kong: RRAAAAGGLL!!! (Translation: What the heck does that have to do with this??)

Kong grabs the pteradactyl, which drops Ann. Kong begins to beat the flying reptile savagely. It pecks at Kong. Kong punches its beak. While the two are struggling, Jack rushes in quietly, followed by a horde of bats.

Driscoll: Ann, I'm here!

Ann: Oh Jack, I just knew you'd come to rescue me you big hunk! I mean you're totally hot and...

Driscoll: Of course my dear! I would always...[Kong nearly steps on him] Ok enough of that. Let's go!

The bats swarm all over Kong, for some unknown reason, as Kong gives the pteradactyl a last punch and throws it into the ravine. Then Kong starts swatting the bats that are swarming all over him. Jack takes Ann over to the cliff.

Driscoll: Quick, get on the vine!!

Ann: WHAT?? But I'll fall!!

Driscoll: Okay, I'll grab it first. (He grabs it) Okay, now get on!

Ann hesitates but then grabs the vine. Jack pulls it over the edge, and they start going down. Meanwhile Kong is practicing his judo moves on all the bats.

Bats: Hold it hold it take it easy!! OOOWW!!

Jack and Ann are making their way slowly down the cliff face. Suddenly, the vine begins to go up.

Driscoll: Oh crap.

Ann: Now what?

Driscoll: We're going up! Kong's found us! Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster

Kong pulls the vine back upwards.

Kong: AAARRRRRGGGGG!! (Trans: You ain't going nowhere, flatfoot! Not with my girl!)

Suddenly Jack grabs the leg of a passing bat and he and Ann fly off with it.

Bat: Wha...hey! Leggo my leg! Good grief, it feels like I'm carrying a piano! Whaddya do, eat at McDonald's every night??

Kong starts throwing a big tantrum. He punches anything he can see. He starts hurling rocks over the edge. Suddenly a rock comes hurtling down the hill and hits him on the head. He makes a goofy face and once again falls over the edge. Meanwhile Jack lets go of the bat and he and Ann fall into the river.

Bat: PHEW! What a relief

Ann: AAAAHHHH!!!

Driscoll: What?

Ann: This water's too cold!

Driscoll: Oh for heaven's sake. C'mon, grab the vine! (He grabs a vine hanging by the water's edge, which breaks)

Driscoll: Oops.

Ann (sarcastically): My hero.

Driscoll: Okay, perhaps you can find a stronger one!

Ann: There's one!

Driscoll: Okay, one two three GRAB!

He grabs the vine and stops them from flowing further.

Driscoll: All right, now let's hurry before the ship leaves.

Ann: WHAT??? THE SHIP'S GONNA LEAVE WITHOUT US??? (She breaks down sobbing)

Driscoll: You know Denham.

They run through the jungle. Suddenly Ann can hear Kong coming behind. Soon they reach the edge of the forest where the giant wall is.

Ann: I think they've left.

Driscoll: Oh, FLYING ROTINI MONSTER!!

Ann: It's "flying spaghetti monster".

Driscoll: Oh yeah. I thought it was "flying ramen monster".

Ann: Perhaps it's "flying raviolli monster".

Driscoll: Maybe it's...Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster! You're making me hungry! Hey you bozos! Let down the bridge!

The crew is on the other side.

Denham: Hold on, don't cut the bridge yet.

Preston: Why the ***** not???

Denham: We're waiting for the giant ape, you moron!!

Preston: I can't believe how evil and greedy you are.

Denham: C'mon Preston! Everyone will benefit from this!

Preston: Like everyone benefited from going onto that island!

Denham: Oh shut up. This is different! For the price of an admission ticket they'll get to see the last of the Mohicans! I mean, last blank space on the map.

Preston: Until he gets loose...

Kong is throwing a fit as he approaches the gate.

Driscoll: CUT THE BRIDGE!

Preston: CUT THE BRIDGE! DO IT NOW, FOR THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER'S SAKE!

Denham: Hold it...hooooolld iiiiitttt...

Preston grabs the machete out of Carl's hand and slices the ropes. The bridge falls on Kong's head. Jack and Ann run across through the door. Kong crawls out making a goofy face, with little birdies flying around his head. He jumps across and punches through another part of the wall.

Englehorn: OKAY BOYS! THERE HE IS! GET 'IM!

Ann: What do you want to do with him??

Denham: We'll take him back to the Big Apple with us! I lost my camera, so nothing I got on film is worth a ***** anymore. But with this guy I can make more than...WHOA!

Kong hurls a large piece of the wall at him. Suddenly he steps into a large noose made of ropes. Englehorn hurls one of the chloroform bottles. It breaks on the ground and the chloroform begins to leak out.

Englehorn: Pull 'im down!

Denham: Aye boys! Pull 'im down! Weigh anchor! Jibber de jib and...OOOH!

Englehorn grabs him by the hair.

Englehorn: Sir, next time I hear you speak like that...it will not be pretty for you. (Denham groans and nods)

The sailors pull Kong down. He forcefully resists having his face in the chloroform. He breaks free of the ropes and starts knocking people around.

Denham: Boy, the things you see without a camera.

Englehorn pulls him by the nose.

Englehorn: Listen here you evil greedy white male, I'm gonna have your nose for supper if you don't scram! ALL RIGHT EVERYONE! FALL BACK TO THE INNER WALLS!! I mean, back to the ship!!

Denham: I wish I'd made that film. Too bad ole' Pete Jack...OWW!

Englehorn: GO!!

Ann: Wait a minute! It's me he wants!

Driscoll: You wanna go back?

Ann: No, but maybe I can calm him down.

Driscoll: Calm him down at the ship. Let's go!

Englehorn: Get her out of his sight!

Ann: LEGGO OF ME!

The crew quickly moves out of the village and back into the cave. Kong follows close behind. Two of the crew stay behind to shoot at him. Kong roars and bites the head off of one. He quicky spits it out.

Kong: BLLECCH! That's even worse than the tongue!

Peter Jackson's voice suddenly cuts in.

Jackson: Andy, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK IN CHARACTER!!!

Kong: Oh yeah. I mean, RRRAAAAAARRRRGGG!

The sailors pile into a lifeboat. Kong jumps out and wades in after them. Carl is waiting on the rock with a bottle of chloroform. He smashes it across Kong's face.

Kong: OOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!

He sniffs, rubs his eyes and starts to sway dazily. He looks at Ann as he falls forward into the water. Ann starts crying.

Kong: ArGRAauuugggh....(Trans: It's all right my dear...)

Denham: We're millionaires boys!!!! WHOOPPEEEEE!!! YAHOOOO! I'll share it with all of you! After taxes, that is. Then of course, in a few months his name'll be up in big colored lights on Broadway: Kong, Winner of the Greatest Academy Award for Best Acting!!

Preston: Whaddya mean "actor"? He's a gorilla!!!

Denham: Well, he's played by...oh never mind. He's a gorilla.

Baxter: Say, how're we gonna get this guy to the ship?

Denham: We'll build a raft, dummy!

Baxter: HOW???

Denham motions to him. He climbs out of the boat. Denham grabs him by the nose.

Denham: Listen Porcupine, you're gonna go collect wood! Or you won't be seein' your life in color!!!

Baxter: Nah, I'll see it with subtitles.

Denham pokes him in the eyes.

Baxter: OOH!

Denham: Shaddup and get to work!

Fade to black, then fade to a scene of the words "Kong: The Eighth Academy Award Winner" on the front of Broadway. People are pouring in by the thousands. One man looks at the sign.

Man: Wait a minute. Shouldn't it be "Kong: The Eighth Wonder of the World"?

Another man: No, that's already been taken so it's copyrighted. They did the closest thing, though.

Cut to inside the theatre, where Denham is smiling and being photographed.

Reporter #1: Is it true that it's a giant monkey?

Denham: Uh, no. We couldn't find any. But I think what we have will do.

Reporter #2: Did you know that Greenpeace is sueing you for being an evil bastard towards the motherly forces of nature?

Denham: Yes, and I have this to say: I hope Kong eat your heads out if I ever am forced to set it free...actually, scrap that, tell them they must have Oedipus Complex or something, since they love mother nature so much...scrap that too. Tell them they're pinko commies.

Cut to a smaller theatre where Driscoll is watching a play.

Actress #1: Yeah, he just left me. Jus' 'cause I was madly in love with this giant gorilla.

Actress #2: Man are like that, instead of telling you what they feel, they just say it was in the subway...or was it subversion?

Actress #1: Oh! I so wished he came back to me when I presented myself in a nearby theatre, with that lying bastard and that big audience! I swear, man are so...

Driscoll: Foolish.

Driscoll gets up and leaves. Cut to a theater full of people, Denham on the stage, with the curtains closed. The orchestra begins playing.

Denham: Welcome ladies and gentlemen! And kids too. Always welcome. I'm here to tell you a story...

Person in audience: You mean like a bedtime story?

Denham: Ahem...I'm hear to tell you a strange yet true story. It's about a trip we took to this great big island in the Indian Ocean. You know, way out there with all the Chinese trashes and all...

Person in audience: It's "junks"! Chinese junks!!

Denham: WILL YOU STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!!

Person in audience: Sorry.

Denham: Now, if I may be allowed to continue, we were all on this big tropical island with all these hot natives around us and a bunch of...

Preston: YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!!!

Denham: ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT!! We were on this spooky island with all these strange, zombie-like natives and this giant gorilla and all these hungry carnivorous dinosaurs. This journey resulted in the death of twelve of our crew members.

Preston: More like eighteen, if you ask me.

Denham: I DIDN'T ASK YOU! NOW BE QUIET AND LET ME TELL THE STORY! Now, this great big gorilla came along and captured our beatiful actress, who isn't here today because she thought we weren't good enough for her!

Driscoll suddenly appears in audience.

Driscoll: You big ***** liar! She doesn't like the way you're treating that poor gorilla!

Denham: Oh just skip the rest of it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...KONG, the EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!!

Person in audience: That's copyrighted, remember?

The curtain lifts, and there behind it is...a giant rubber chicken. Denham smiles an embarassed smile.

Denham: Oops, wrong curtain.

The curtain behind it lifts (taking the chicken with it), and we see Kong standing on the stage, a top hat on his head and a cane in his hand. His feet are chained.

Denham: Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen. Those chains there are made of...

Preston: CHEAP PLASTIC!!! HA HAHAHAHAHA

Denham: I think he's drunk or something, folks. No, his chains are made of stainless copper! No, I mean they're made of hard iron! No, I mean...FORGET IT. They're made of adamantium!

The crowd looks at each other, confused.

Denham: He was a kind and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes back to you, a captive, who is going to put on a show that will make you laugh!! Okay fellas, bring it on!

Several actors rush onto stage, pushing scenery in front of them. Several are dressed in chicken suits, and four are Polish musicians. They begin playing the Chicken Dance, and the actors begin dancing around.

Cut to the back of the audience where Preston comes near Driscoll.

Preston: He was right you know.

Driscoll: About what?

Preston: That there was still some mystery left in this world, and we could all have a piece of it...for the price of an admission ticket.

Driscoll: That's the first thing you learn about Denham. He easily destroys all he loves. Like when he destroyed his teddy bear. *Laughs out loud* He cried for an entire month!

Cut to a scene inside a smaller theater. A rapper is rapping to cheesy hip-hop. A bunch of scantily-clad dancers (Ann included) are dancing behind him.

Ann [thought bubble]: Now why didn't I just take that job at Hooters...

Cut back to the scene inside the Broadway theater. The actors are dancing around Kong. Kong is dancing too. Suddenly the music stops.

Denham: And now, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Miss Ann Darrow, bravest girl I've ever met!

Driscoll: YEAH RIGHT, DENHAM! I SAW YOU PICK HER OFF THE STREET!!!

Denham: Ladies and gentlemen, please don't pay any attention to them. They're...

Preston: And we saw you take her in for a liposuction! HA HA!

Denham: He's stoned. Anyway, folks, now Ann is going to be sacrificed to Kong. Oh yeah, I forgot. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present the bravest man I know, who suceeded in capturing the big ape. I give you Mr. Bruce Baxter!!! (Bruce runs out on stage and grins widely)

Driscoll: WHAT??? HE DIDN'T CAPTURED HIM!! GEEZ!!! WHAT THE ***** IS WRONG WITH YOU??? HE WAS THE MOST COWARDLY SCOUNDREL IN THE PARTY!!!!!

Bruce sticks his tongue out.

The "natives" tie up a young blonde who seems almost identical to Ann, and Kong suddenly starts getting excited. But then when she faces him, her face resembles that of a hippo that had liposuction. Kong vomits on stage.

Denham: Just ignore that, the stage hands'll clean that up.

The reporters begin to take pictures. Kong is irritated by the flash bulbs. He starts roaring. The crowd grows uneasy, while Bruce Baxter quickly runs off stage.

Driscoll: So much for "bravest man you ever met", DENHAM!

Kong starts roaring and struggling to get out of his chains.

Denham: Let him roar, it makes a totally awesome and sweet picture! Y'know, like those old cheezy Godzilla films where...

Reporters: GODZILLA? What the heck are you...Uh oh.

Kong suddenly snaps out. The placebo girl starts screaming (which sounds like a stuck pig). Kong plucks her and tosses her aside.

Denham: Hey! They'll sue me for that!

Kong leaps into the audience, which has grown wild with terror. People rush to and fro, screaming and trying to get out and falling out of the balcony. Kong sees Jack in the balcony and leaps up to get at him.

Driscoll: C'mon, you big lice-infested...uh oh.

He quickly runs outside. Kong breaks through the outside of the theater as thousands of terrified people go scurrying out.

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