Hayes: Jimmy, take this meal over to Mr. Driscoll.
Jimmy hands Jack two plates of slimy green substance covered in gray slop.
Driscoll: Oh, Flying Spaghetti...OOOGG! (He vomits all over the floor)
Jimmy: It's toad stroganoff covered in gallstone sauce. Mmm-mmm! Doesn't that sound good!!!!
Jack vomits again. Then Jimmy notices several pages of Jack's script piled on the table next to him. He grabs them and runs out, but Mr. Hayes catches him.
Hayes: Perhaps, first, you'd like to return Mr. Driscoll's script to him.
Jimmy sheepishly returns the script. Jack grabs it, and rips several pages.
Driscoll: Oh, Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Hayes: Here, hand it to me. I'll take it up top and tape it back together.
Driscoll hands him the papers. Hayes and Jimmy walk up to the deck. Jimmy is reading a copy of "Head of Cement".
Hayes: Jimmy, you need to get yourself an education. You don't wanna spend your life on the ship.
Jimmy: Naw, I'd rather spend it in a classroom with a goofy teacher who wears teddy bear ties, is five feet tall and wears gigantic glasses. Oh yeah, not to mention he'd lecture us for hours on what that photograph of Leonidas with that weird expression on his face was about. I'd much rather stay here.
Hayes: It's not that bad.
Jimmy: Besides, Mr. Hayes, I know how to read! See, this book is about people on a ship, just like us.
Hayes: That's about a sleezy guy who transports ivory. Not like what we're doing.
Jimmy gets up and kicks a nearby box, it breaks and ivory statues fall all over the ground.
Hayes: Well, those things belonged to the last owner of the ship, we even tried to get it back to him in Europe, along with the cocaine and the slaves, but, for some reason, they didn't let us leave the port and even confiscated everything they could find...so it's not like us at all.
Jimmy: Yeah, so it's not an adventure story, is it?
Cut to Ann and Bruce standing on the deck.
Denham: Okay you two, start yappin'!
Baxter: So what do you do, Miss Darrow? You must be a model or something.
Denham: Not that kind! Talk from the script!
Ann walks to the back of the ship, Bruce follows.
Denham: Hey! Where're you two goin'?
Ann: That's what the script says.
Ann walks to the back railing, gets over it and prepares to jump into the water. Bruce approaches from behind.
Baxter: Don't do it.
Ann: Stay back! Don't come any closer!
Baxter: Come on, just give me your hand. I'll pu...
Denham: HOLD IT! CUT! (Music stops) This is not Jack's script! Mr. Cameron!!!
Off Camera voice (James Cameron): Sorry, there was a mistake. Here's your script.
(A hand appears from off camera (wearing a modern digital wristwatch) and gives two pieces of paper to Ann, she then gives one to Baxter, they read the papers and throw them in the sea)
Ann: Ahem...I've never been on a ship before!
Baxter: I've never been on one with a woman before. Although I wish I had, heh heh
Ann: I guess you don't think much of women on ships!
Baxter: Let me tell you, I like 'em anywhere!
Denham: Bruce! That's not in the script!
Baxter: Er, I mean, Naw they're a nuisance.
Ann: Well, I'll try not to be, although I think you're an intolerant swine! Not to mention you're politically incorrect.
Denham: STICK TO THE SCRIPT!!!!!!
Suddenly, he sees Jimmy walking up to Mr. Hayes. He whispers something in his ear, then the two burst out laughing. Bruce passes Jack on the deck.
Baxter: So whaddya think of that, huh Driscoll? Dialogue's got some flow now, eh?
Driscoll: You and your wisecracks.
Baxter: Aw c'mon, I just beefed up the banter!
Driscoll: Try to avoid that. Just stick to the great script I wrote. There's nothing you can possibly add to it!!
Baxter: THAT'S BULLS***!!!!!
Cut to later on in the day. Ann has on a silver lingerie, and is skipping out to the front deck in front of the fading sun. Carl Denham is filming. Suddenly, she looks up and sees Jack Driscoll walking up to Carl to hand him the first part of the script. Her eyes meet his. They begin staring at one another and soon they are both locked in the stare. Carl looks back to see Jack standing there. He grabs the script. The two continue to stare at one another.
Denham (to Jack): Can you leave please? We're filming a scene.
Jack continues to stare at Ann, and she continues to stare back.
Denham: Hello? (He waves his hand in front of Jack's face)
There is no response.
Denham takes his handkerchief out of his pocket (which has a photo from a fitness magazine) and waves it in front of Jack's face. Jack suddenly starts following it. Carl drops it on the ground, and Jack's eyes follow it. Denham pounds him on the back, and he falls over.
Denham: We're trying to film a scene, Jack.
Jack gets up.
Driscoll: What happened? All I can remember is staring into these two limpid pools of blue...
Denham (Calmly): You're distracting Ann. Can you leave please? We're trying to film a scene...(furiously)for the zillionth time!
Driscoll: I couldn't move; I was frozen! It was like...like...
Driscoll: Wha...? Oh yeah, sorry. I'd better get downstairs and finish the script. (He turns to leave)
Cut to Baxter making his way back down to his cabin. He passes Jimmy on the way. He opens the door to his cabin to find his posters vandalized.
Baxter: What in...oh, Neptune!
On one poster, Baxter is shown with huge buck teeth and a hunched back. On another, he is shown with fangs, holding a panther. On the last one, he has a huge gap between his two front teeth, and a moustache.
Baxter: Why that little...wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hey! (He grabs a comb and puts it above his upper lip) Great idea! I'm glad I thought of it!
Cut to Ann and Jack in Jack's cabin. Jack is showing Ann a play he's writing.
Driscoll: It's a comedy. A romantic comedy.
Ann: HA HA! This is hilarious!
Driscoll: And, furthermore, I'm writing it...for...YOU!
Ann: Now why would you do that?
Driscoll: Do what?
Ann: Why would you write it for me?
Driscoll: DUHH! It should be obvious!
Ann: Not to me, it isn't.
Driscoll: It's in the subtitles. I mean, it's in the subway. No, I mean it's...I say, what are you doin' down here?
Ann (Seductively): I was wondering...if you...could, by any chance...teach me long-range spitting.
Driscoll: Long-range spitting?
Ann: Yeah! Guys that know their spit totally turn me on! Why, any problem?
Driscoll: No...well, it's just that thought there were a hella lot more romantic things to do in a shi...
Ann grabs him and starts kissing him. The two start grabbing wildly and kissing mushily. They drop to the floor and start rolling around.
Cut to inside the galley. Preston and Denham are looking at the map when Mr. Hayes comes in.
Hayes: If someone told you the ship were headed for Singapore, Denham, what would you say?
Lumpy (coming out of the kitchen): I'd say they're full of ***** Mr. Hayes.
Denham: Hold it, is this going to be a rehash of the other night?
Lumpy: Naw. We've been through it already.
Cut to later that night. Hayes is in the wheel room.
Hayes: How much longer does that greedy b****** expect us to stay out here? Any time the Kraken could attack.
Englehorn: You've seen way too many action films.
We see high above the ship, and a giant shape is moving underneath it. Peter Jackson's voice suddenly cuts in.
Jackson: Jerry! WRONG SET!!!
Jerry Bruckheimer: Oops, sorry Pete.
The giant shape disappears. We see inside the wheel room. Suddenly, the telegraph operator recieves a message. Message: Carl, get the **** back here! You owe us about $10,000 for car damages, $20,000 for hospital bills, $5,000 for damages to parking meters, etc. GET THE ****** BACK HERE OR WE'LL SEND THE KRAKEN AFTER YOU!!!! Y'know, our fastest ship in the harbor! The operator takes the message to Captain Englehorn, who reads it and then curses obscenely. Carl walks up to the cabin and sees Hayes turning the ship around.
Denham: What the heck are you doin'?
Englehorn walks up.
Englehorn: Hey, you ain't speaking stupid anymore!
Denham: Of course not, you kicked me in the groin last time I did.
Englehorn: Did I?
(Flashback to the map scene)
Englehorn: Sir! That's the last time you'll speak like that!
(The camera pans to Driscoll's face, he makes an intrigued expression, but this time, the other sounds are not muffled)
Denham: OOOOOOOUUUUUUUCH! Make the pain stop! Make it sto...
(Back to the present)
Englehorn: Oh yeah! Good times. Out on the deck, Carl. We've got something to talk about.
Denham: What the heck is this about?
Englehorn: Did you know there's a warrant out for your arrest?
Denham: WHAT?? Is this about that silly traffic jam?
Englehorn: There are approximately five-thousand people suing you right now for damages to vehicles, parking meters, buildings and hospital bills.
Denham's jaw drops to the ground.
Denham: I've risked everything I have for this film! It can't be aborted!
Englehorn: No, Carl, you've risked everything I have. Did you know that they threatened to send the Kraken after us???
Denham: I believe they've seen way too many action films.
Englehorn: That's their fastest ship.
Denham: Oh no, not the KRAKEN! HELP!!!
Englehorn: At any rate, you've risked everything I have. We've been ordered to divert course to Ragu.
Denham: Wha...? What the heck? Why are we diverting toward a pasta sauce company??? Actually, I rather like the idea. I've always liked pasta.
Englehorn: I mean Rangoon.
Denham: Aw c'mon, Englehorn!! You've gotta gimme another chance!! Whaddya want? I'll give you $30,000 to keep goin' to Skull Island!
Englehorn: Yeah right. I don't believe you even have 3 cents to your name right now.
Englehorn leaves, and leaves Carl staring out at the horizon. Jack joins him on deck.
Denham: I'm finished.
Driscoll: How did you think this would end, Carl?
Denham: With me returning home with a boatload of cash, painting New York with "Denham's the Greatest" and becoming the king of the world! Then I'd throw away the bars, the cars and the wars and I'd make sweet love to...Oh forget it.
Jack rolls his eyes.
Cut to Hayes, in the cabin steering. The sky is becoming obscured by clouds. The compass starts to malfunction.
Hayes: Blast it, we've lost our navigation!
Englehorn: Check our navigation. Use the stars.
Hayes goes outside and comes back in.
Englehorn: All the stars are gone?
Hayes: There are no stars, Captain.
A fog begins rolling in. Hayes pounds the steering wheel, hits one of the spokes and nearly breaks his hand. He grabs it, starts jumping up and down and cursing obscenely.
Carl is standing out on deck holding the map. Suddenly, a strong wind blows it out of his hand. It flies through the air and lands in the ocean. We see the ship from behind, making its way toward a barely discernable landmass in the distance. Suddenly, we hear the music from Jaws and then a gigantic mouth appears around the map and it is gone.
Cut to Mr. Hayes, continuing to look ahead. All he can see is fog.
Hayes: I don't think we're gonna make it to Singapore, Captain. There are no stars!
Englehorn: Well duh! Don't you think I've noticed by now!
Hayes: Well what do we do?!
Englehorn: Use the radar, for heaven's sake! C'mon, ships don't have radars for nothing!
Hayes: What the heck is a radar?
Englehorn: Good question.
The ship continues into the fog. Englehorn relieves Hayes of the wheel.
Englehorn: Is it just me, or is the fog making a face at me?
Englehorn: Look ahead. See that dark shape? It looks...hold on, now it looks like a gigantic skull soaring high in the air.
Hayes: WE'VE FOUND SKULL ISLAND!
Suddenly, the helmsman shouts.
Helmsman: Fifteen fathoms! We have seabed!
Hayes: Not surprisingly. You should stop the ship!
Englehorn: Oh no, we're gonna get out of here Mr. Hayes!
Suddenly Jimmy, up in the crowsnest, shouts.
Jimmy: ROCKS! ROCKS DEAD AHEAD!
Englehorn: Rocks? Well I may die soon, but at least now I understand the Titanic references.
Suddenly a gigantic rock face materializes out of the gloom. Englehorn and Hayes faint at once. The bow of the ship smashes into the rocks. The cliff shakes, sending shock waves out into the ocean. Suddenly, a giant wave washes over the ship, waking up Hayes and Englehorn. Denham stares in horror.
Denham: We've just summoned...THE KRAKEN!
Denham: We just blasted a bunch of shockwaves everywhere! The Kraken will be here soon!
Driscoll: I believe you've seen way too many...
Denham: Yeah yeah, you can stop repeating that line now.
The ship begins to move away from the rocks. Hayes runs out on deck, screaming and waving his handgun.
Hayes: All hands on deck! All hands on deck! We're sinking, everybody! Abandon ship! ABANDON SHIP!!! Women and children first!! Any who violate this will be shot! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!
Everyone stares at him blankly.
Englehorn: We didnt...we didn't sink! WE ARE UNSINKABLE!
Denham: And besides, Miss Darrow's the only woman on the ship.
Hayes: Oh yeah.
(A big rock falls beside the ship, splashing water all over Englehorn)
Englehorn: *&$#^$^&*!!!! Drop anchor!
Englehorn: The ship's been damaged you idiot! We've gotta repair it! Now drop that blasted anchor!
The ship begins to tilt on its side.
Cut to Lumpy and Choy in the galley.
Lumpy: Chuck everything! Pots, pans, bowls, spoons, diamonds, rocks, dust, brooms, dustpans, carrots, peas, cabbages...Oh wait...don't chuck the potatoes. And keep the chips. Oh yeah, and the cake too. Don't dump that. And make sure the doughnuts stay dry. Oh, and keep the...
Choy: Need paper?
Cut to everyone sitting inside the captain's cabin.
Denham: C'mon everyone, get the equipment ready! We're goin' ashore!
Englehorn: What!? Are you nuts? No one's going ashore.
Denham: Oh yes we are! C'mon, get real! That's what I came here for!
Englehorn: We're still going to Rangoon.
Denham: If you try to go now, you'll end up at Davy Jones' Locker.
Englehorn: You mean Dead Man's Chest?
Denham: Ugh, don't remind me of that. Do I LOOK like a cheapskate? C'mon, this is going to be a GOOD film, not some cheezy Jerry Bruckheimer crap.
Englehorn: If you go, we're leaving without you. And those natives aren't exactly nice to strangers.
Denham: Ha! We'll be back before Andy...wait, I mean we'll be back before you repair the ship! C'mon fellas, let's go! Preston, get my camera! Herbert, get the flash bulbs! And Mike, grab those chloroform bottles! We're going ashore!
Cut to Denham's cast and crew sitting in one of the lifeboats, heading inland. They pass a rock that has a rude face on it. They pass another one that looks like Frankenstein's monster smiling. They pass yet another that looks like Dracula. And another which resembles the Gill-Man. And yet another...well, you get the picture. Ann screams loudly and faints. Jack catches her.
Denham: Quiet, will ya? You want the natives to hear us?
Driscoll: Why're you worried about the natives? I thought you said the girls were totally hot and walked around...
Denham: That's just a rumor! Sssh!
Driscoll: Wait...you mean that you dragged me into an island with aggressive natives?
Driscoll: You can't lie to a man about an island you dragged him too. It's not sport.
Denham: Shhh! Shut your ***** mouth, for pete's sake!!
The boat reaches a large tunnel carved into the rock. Denham gets out of the boat onto the rock.
Denham: Okay, now I want everyone quiet. We don't want to disturb the natives.
Baxter: I can't wait to see 'em.
Denham grabs him by the nose.
Denham: Listen Porcupine, that means you too, got it?!
Baxter groans and nods. Denham releases him.
Denham: Okay everyone, grab your stuff and let's get in there!
The men get out of the boat, carrying the supplies. Driscoll is carrying Ann over his shoulder. They venture slowly into the cave. Soon, they come out in front of an empty village.
Preston: Looks deserted.
Denham: Don't let appearances decieve you. Remember the story about...dang, I forgot it. Well anyway, be careful.
Suddenly, Ann wakes up and squeals.
Ann: WHERE THE HECK ARE WE??
Driscoll claps his hand over her mouth, but it's too late. A native girl appears in front of them.
Driscoll: Way to go Ann.
Ann: What're you talking about...MMPH!
Denham: Don't worry fellas, I'll handle this. (He walks forward and speaks slowly and loudly) HEY...THERE! YOU...JANE! ME...DENHAM!
Girl (In gibberish, but translated by subtitles): Why does every guy that comes to our island thinks we'll understand him if he talks stupid?
Denham: Hmm...it seems she is a retarded or something, she doesn't understand me. Time for plan B.
The girl just stares blankly at him. She has chicken feathers all over her. Denham pulls a Wonka Fudgemallow Delight bar out of his pocket.
Denham (waving chocolate): See this? It's called "chocolate". C'mere and take it.
Girl (subtitles): I don't take candy from strangers.
Denham Keeps waving
Girl (speaking slowly and loudly) (subtitles): I...DON'T...WANNA!
Denham: It's not poisonous! C'mon, go ahead and take it! (Through clenched teeth) C'mere, put out your hand and take it!
Girl (subtitles): F*** man! Are you a retard or something? Time for plan B.
The girl slaps his hand and the chocolate falls out. The wrapping comes undone and we see a golden ticket.
Denham: Yippee! I found it! One of Wonka's golden tickets! YAHOO! When we get back, boys, Ho-ho's on me! (Suddenly, a bunch of angry natives appear) Er, if we ever get back.
Suddenly, the natives all see the ticket on the ground and start yipping wildly and rushing and grabbing for it. Denham quickly picks it up and runs. The natives run after him. He hands it to Mike.
Denham: Here ya go, Mike! Enjoy your ho-ho's!
The natives grab Mike and take him over to a large rock. The chief appears, decked in a large chicken suit. He takes a big stick and whacks Mike on the back with it.
He drops the ticket, and the natives grab it. Suddenly the witch doctor (who is also dressed like a chicken) grabs Ann and slings her over his back.
Witch doctor (In a perfect english accented english): Ahh, a perfect offering for Kong! Boy, you'll love him. He's really big and hairy and smells really manly! Don't you worry, he'll...
Suddenly, there's a loud gunshot. The chief flops over, and Hayes and Englehorn appear.
Englehorn: Seen enough? If it weren't for that ticket they would've gone for you instead.
Denham: We can't leave it here!
Englehorn: Fine. Go ahead and stay here with it!
Denham scowls and follows Englehorn.
Cut to later that night. The crew is sitting in the cabin of the ship, and they're all ready to leave.
Denham: I can't believe we left that ticket behind. I just can't believe it. I went to so much trouble to get it and all...
Driscoll: Oh shut up! We're lucky we weren't killed! Why, poor Mike nearly got his back broken!
Mike: Actually, it felt pretty good...
Driscoll: Well anyway, that's nice and all. But I don't know what all that chicken stuff was about!
Preston: Maybe they worship a giant chicken.
Driscoll: Could be.
Cut to Ann in her cabin. She turns around to see the door open. A shadow appears outside her door.
Suddenly Jack hears a noise outside the cabin.
Driscoll: Wait here.
He runs outside and finds a man lying at the bottom of the stairs leading up to Ann's cabin. He is tarred and feathered. Jack runs up the stairs and finds Ann's cabin empty. He runs back down and bursts into the room.
Driscoll: We've gotta go back! They've taken Ann!
Driscoll: The natives! They took Ann!
Denham: Oh boy! Now we'll get some great shots! C'mon boys, we're goin' back after Ann!
Driscoll rolls his eyes as they run out onto the deck in the pouring rain.
Cut to Ann being hauled over the witch doctor's back as he pole vaults from rock to rock.
Ann: Wow. How'd you learn to do that?
Witch doctor: Back in my day, I was an Olympic gold medalist! But no time for chit chat now. We've gotta get you back in time for the ceremony!
Ann: How'd you learn english anyway?
Witch doctor: Well, my mom wanted me to be a native savage warrior like my father, and my his father before him. But I said: "NOOOO! You cannot force me to be that which I do not desire to!". So I got some money with my mom's third ex-husband (That would do anything to piss her off) and enrolled myself in some british witchcraft school, where I also learnt english.
Ann: Hold it. Are you talking about...?
Witch doctor: Yup, the same one that Harry fella goes to. Or went to. Or whatever.
They haul her through the village to the giant wall at the end. A bunch of natives are gathered at the top, and at the very top are a bunch of Polish musicians.
Ann: What the heck...?
Ann is dressed in a chicken suit, dragged to the top of the wall and tied to two large poles. Then she is slowly lowered on the bridge across a giant ravine with lava at the bottom. The music stops, and we see something moving in the foliage.
Ann: Oh my...
A gigantic shape flies from one tree branch to another. Suddenly, he slips and a giant gorilla falls flat on his face in front of Ann.
Witch doctor: Well, there's your bride!
Kong walks up to Ann, and tears her from the bridge. Suddenly, we hear gunshots in the distance. The natives quickly scatter. The men from the ship run up to the big door in the wall. Denham runs forward and looks through the bars in the window. Kong looks back at him, and sticks out his tongue. Then he turns around and starts shaking his rear. Carl throws a dart through the bars. It gets Kong right in the butt. He roars with pain and starts jumping around and runs off into the night.
Driscoll: What the heck was that?
Denham: You don't wanna know. But it was big, I'll give ya that.
Driscoll: So, was it like a giant robot or something?
Denham: I don't know! Heck, what do you think I am, an engineer?
Driscoll: Well...You ARE a filmmaker.
Denham: That was no special effect, my friend.
Englehorn: All right, well whatever it is it has Ann! So that means you've gotta go find her!
Denham: Sure, if we can all go as fast as that big thing can.
Englehorn: Some time he'll get tired and stop to rest. In front of a television with a bag of chips, of course. And then Ann will make her getaway. So you've gotta go find her. You have twenty-four hours. If you're not back by then, off we go and leave you here all alone with the giant chicken!
Denham: It wasn't a chicken...
Englehorn: Well whatever. Now get goin' before my crab-legs get cold!
Carl motions to his cameraman, Herbert.
Denham: Bring the tripod and all of the film.
Herb: You want the six-inch lense?
Denham: Bonehead! We can't film a giant—uh, animal with the six-inch! The wide-angle will do just fine.
Each man takes a A-K 47 and proceeds to step beyond the door towards the jungle. Hayes turns to Jimmy.
Hayes: Jimmy, you stay here.
Jimmy: Man, I never get to do ANYTHING fun.
Hayes: We'll be back before sunset tomorrow. I'm sure you'll have plenty to do between now and then.
Jimmy sits back and sulks. Then suddenly, as Hayes goes through the door, Jimmy sneaks in between Driscoll and Mike. The company (known as the Fellowship of Miss Darrow) proceed across the bridge and into the jungle, where they begin screaming loudly for Ann.
Ann, meanwhile, is being carried rapidly through the jungle in Kong's huge fist. She throws up several times all over Kong's hand. He finally pauses at a large cliff, where Ann sees a whole bunch of skulls and bones lying around, with chicken feathers tied to them. She throws up again. Kong starts shaking her around and roaring.
Ann: Stop shaking me around, you big dumb***!
Kong hangs her over the ravine by her foot.
Kong: NNnaarGGRREddgg?? [Trans: Care to repeat?]
Suddenly, he hears sailors shouting in the distance and takes off again.
The FOMD reaches the bone grounds, and sees all the skeletons with chicken feathers.
Lumpy: It's a bloody boneyard!
Choy: There no blood.
Lumpy: Wise guy. Look at 'em! They've been torn limb from limb! And feather from feather! Hmmm...you're right, though, Chucky. There's no blood. Meaning he didn't tear up poor Miss Darrow!
Choy: My name not Chucky, you sicko!
Choy: And besides, birds have blood too, so there should to be blood here...unless...
Choy: Unless that thing is...(creepy voice) a giant CHUPACABRA!
Lumpy rolls his eyes.
Driscoll: We can't stop. I think he was just here a minute ago! We gotta keep following him!
Preston: We ain't goin' no further, till we've had a breather!
Denham: Get a fire going! Wait a minute. Why does that sound so familiar?
Driscoll: Stop quoting LOTR and let's get going!
The party sets off again.
Cut to later on; the sun has just made it up. Kong drops Ann on a small rocky outcropping. She flops on the ground, trying to make him think she's dead. Kong flips her over with his finger. Then he flips her again.
Kong: NNNGGGG. (Translation: Blast it!)
Kong walks over to the edge and sits down.
Cut to the crew walking through the steamy jungle. There's a clearing up ahead, and something is moving in the clearing.
Hayes: What the ***** is that??
They see a monstrous triceratops.
Denham: Quiet fellas, I don't think he sees us.
The triceratops continues to move around, when it suddenly sees them. It roars and charges toward them.
Denham: Jimmy! Gimme one of those chloroform bottles! (Jimmy throws one to him.)
Hayes: Jimmy! What the ***** are you doin' here?
Denham: No time for that now! (He throws the bottle at the approaching dinosaur)
The bottle hits the triceratops in the face. It roars, then turns around and falls on the ground.
Driscoll: He's still movin'. (He shoots the beast in the leg)
The dinosaur roars and gets back up.
Denham: Dang it, Jack! Don't you know how to let sleeping dogs lie?!
A bunch of shots ring out, then the beast falls over again. Hayes shoots it in the eye. It roars, then lays still. They proceed past it cautionously.
Driscoll: Say, what kind of animal is this anyway?
Denham: Why, it's something from the dinosaur family, you uneducated buffoon! Dontcha know a triceratops when you see it!
Driscoll: Can't say. Never seen one before. Where did you see one anyways?
Denham: Sunday night movies...but that doesn't matter right now.
Preston: Yikes! Look out, it's moving!
The tail starts to move up and down. Carl motions to Herb.
Denham: Herb! Get the camera set up! We can't miss this!
Herb hurriedly sets up the tripod and places the camera on top of it. However, by the time Carl starts rolling the film it is too late, as the tail has stopped moving.
Denham: Oh ******!!
They continue. Soon, they happen upon a large canyon. Lumpy bends down to inspect a large footprint on the ground.
Lumpy: There's only one animal that could make a print that size.
Lumpy: Well, probably something along the lines of Bigfoot. Then again, maybe the Yeti. But of course, it could just be a prankster!
Denham: Yeah, a prankster who got stepped on and stuck to the bottom of the animal's foot.
Lumpy: Real funny.
Preston: I'm gettin' tired. Can't we please stop for a break?!
Driscoll: We can't stop! That thing'll have torn Ann to pieces by now. And nothing will make me give up from her! I shall not forget her sweet smile and stop searching for her sweet embrace without seeing her rotten, torn apart and fly-eaten carcass.
Preston: Just five minutes then? PLEASE? OH please please please please please please...
Driscoll: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! We'll take a five minute rest! Geez...
Denham: C'mon, Herb. I wanna see what's over here. (The two proceed down the canyon)
Baxter follows them. Suddenly, they come upon a large grove of trees, with a herd of gigantic brontosaurs feeding. Play the "Brachiosaur theme" from Jurassic Park.
Denham: Walk forward, Bruce.
Baxter: What the *******???
Denham: You're the blasted star of this picture! Now get the heck into character and move toward the animals!
Baxter: What the h*** of a kind of place is this?? Are you flippin' sure about this, Denham? Don't we have a stand-in for this type of thing? Those things might trample me!!
Denham walks up to him and grabs him by the nose.
Denham: Listen Porcupine, I need you in this blasted shot or people will think they're fake!!!
He releases Bruce.
Baxter: All right all right! Nobody's gonna think these are fake!
Bruce walks toward the brontosaurs. The one nearest him suddenly looks up in his direction and starts making funny noises.
Denham: Bruce, you idiot! You're making them nervous!
Baxter: I c-can't h-help it!
Denham: Stand real still.
We see the brontosaurs all starting to get agitated about something. Suddenly, several dark shapes pass in front of the camera. The brontosaurs all start to move rapidly. Baxter sees one coming toward him and runs away. Denham continues filming. Herbert looks at him with a sick expression, vomits, then runs.
Cut to the rest of the crew sitting farther up the canyon. Suddenly, small rocks start falling from the top of the canyon, and we hear the distant bellows of stampeding brontosaurs. Suddenly Jack sees Bruce running towards them.
Driscoll: Where's Carl?
Bruce: Carl? Oh, he's up there. Filming.
Driscoll: Dirty *****. He thinks of filming at a time like this!
He continues running. Jack looks toward the direction Bruce came from. Suddenly, he sees Herb running toward them, followed by Carl. Directly behind him is a gigantic brontosaur.
Driscoll: Holy Brontosaurus!
He begins running. Suddenly Carl trips over. Driscoll looks back and sees him. He runs back to help Carl up. Suddenly the giant legs of the brontosaurs are all around them.
Driscoll, running: You just HAD to get a picture, didn't you!
Denham: I couldn't miss (whoa) getting a good (yipe) shot, dang it! That's (eek) why I came here!
Driscoll: What good is that if you're (AAAIIII!) dead???!!
The whole crew is now being rounded up by the brontosaurus stampede. They're running pel-mel down the canyon, screaming their heads off. Two get trampled.
Trampled #1: You son of a...
Trampled #2: Watch it! This suit is brand-new!
They round a bend and come to a large cliff. Jimmy nearly gets knocked off. A brontosaurus goes crashing over the edge.
Brontosaurus (Subtitles): Geeerrronnimooooooooo!!!
They continue along the edge of the cliff. Two more sailors are thrown off.
Thrown Off #1: Hey! Hey! I've got a sensitive baaaaaaaaaaack!
Thrown Off #2: Wish I had a parachute.
Suddenly the cliff comes to an end and they come back into a canyon. Bruce hides behind a crag in the rock and then gets a bunch of saliva sprayed on him. He looks up to see a venatosaurus staring down at him.
Venatosaurus (subtitles): Hello!
Venatosaurus (subtitles): What? I want to be your friend! (It jumps out and chases him)
Baxter: Look out! Velociraptor attack! Velociraptor attack!
The venatosaurs dodge and weave in and out of the brontosaurus legs. One jumps up onto one of the sauropod's necks. It shakes him off. It goes crashing down and gets its head stomped on by a brontosaurus.
Venatosaurus (subtitles): You son of a—
The venatosaurs take out yet another two of the sailors.
Eaten #1: Hey! I just had this suit dry-cleaned! OOOOOWW
Eaten #2: Why does this remind me of some cheesy movie by Steven Spielberg?
Bruce runs ahead and he and Jimmy take out a rope and stretch it across the canyon. Then they run further ahead as the brontosaurs approach. Denham and Driscoll and the other sailors make it over, but then suddenly one of the brontosaurs trip over the rope. The others trip over him and soon the entire canyon is a heap of confusion and chaos.
Denham: Why does this bring back bad memories of New York?
The rest of the party make their way up the hill, with a pack of venatosaurs at their heels. Carl makes it up over a rock ledge, but Herb isn't so fortunate.
Herb: Carl, take the tripod!
Denham: C'mon Herb, I'm pullin' you up!
Herb: Don't worry about me Carl! I'll fend 'em off!
A venatosaur grabs Herb's heel. He kicks it off. Then he proceeds to employ a bunch of kung-fu stunts, whacking venatosaurs left and right. Carl looks on in amazement.
Denham: Wow, a regular Neo!
Herb: Keep going Carl! Go save Miss Darrow! C'mere you scaley-brained son of a...
The party rushes on up the hill to the top while Herb continues to fight off the venatosaurs. They eventually come to a swamp.
Baxter: Well, I can see we won't be goin' no further.
Driscoll: Oh yes we are! Haven't you ever thought of building a raft??
Baxter: You can if you want. I'm leavin'.
Driscoll: I always knew you weren't the action super-duper hero you are in those cheesy B-films. I just never thought you were a coward. Well, actually I did. But then again...
Baxter: Hey, hey wake up! Heroes don't look like me. Not in the real world. Naw, in the real world they don't wear capes or fly or swing from building to building or wear skin-tight body suits! In the real world they've got bad teeth, a bald spot and a beer gut. Oh yeah, can't forget dandruff. I'm just an actor with an A-K 47 who's lost his motivation. Be seein' you. (He walks off)
Hayes: Anyone else? (Two more join him)
Denham: Cowards! Mama's boys! Simpletons! Buttheads! Dumb...
Hayes: That's enough, Mr. Denham. We can rescue Miss Darrow on our own.
Preston: We've lost most of our men! Even poor Herb...
Denham: Don't worry about Herb. Did you see the way he was dealin' with those guys?!
Driscoll: I can't imagine him doing that for a long time.
Denham: You underestimate him. Now, come to think of it, I remember seein' him wear a black belt once. Boy, what a guy! He even gave me this wonderful movie idea! It'll be about martial arts! It'll be about a guy who finds out he's living in a simulated reality and gets all these real cool martial art moves to fight an evil agent (played by Hugo Weaving)! No one ever did something like that before! When we get back to New York, we'll make this film and donate a big portion to his wife and kids! We'll tell them, "Your dad was a hero!" Besides, he didn't stay behind for nothing. He believed that there was some mystery left in this world, and we could all have a piece of it...for a measly five bucks.
Driscoll: Sounds great. Now we'd better be getting to work to build a raft, or we'll stay here forever!
The men split up and start to cut down trees. They drag the logs back to the edge of the swamp and begin to tie them together into two rafts. Then they begin to make their way across the swamp. They all have their guns ready, just in case something comes up. And something DOES come up. Suddenly, we hear the theme from Jaws, and then up ahead in the fog, a monstrous head is seen. It quickly submerges again. Everybody is tense, and creepy Alfred Hitchcock music plays. Suddenly, there are a bunch of tiny ripples in the water.
Lumpy: What the...
Suddenly, a bunch of monstrous little arachnides jump up on the boat.
Charlie: Little scorpions! Shoo! Go 'way!
The scorpions make for Denham's camera and film case. Denham shoots them to pieces with his A-K 47. Then he begins kicking the others off. More come on. They get shot to pieces. Soon they give up and leave. Suddenly, something strikes the side of the boat. Everyone looks to the side. Suddenly we hear the screeching violins from Psycho. Then we go way back in the swamp and see something swimming through the water. The Jaws them plays again. We back to the front raft. Suddenly, there's a big splash. Everyone looks around to see the other raft beind pushed up. We see a giant creature pushing against it.
Driscoll: Hey, this is fun! It's like bein' on a speedboat!
Suddenly the raft gets smashed to pieces, sending the sailors everywhere.
Driscoll: Okay, maybe not.
Preston: Gimme your hand, Jack!
Driscoll: I'm tryin'! My backpack is weighing me down! Say, what the heck is in here, lead??
He gets sucked underwater and floats to the bottom of the pond. He looks up and sees a gigantic serpent swimming around.
Driscoll: Oh, Flybing Sbagheddi Bodsder!
Cut to Charlie struggling in the water.
Charlie: I can't swim! I can't swim!
Lumpy: Charlie, you blithering idiot!!!
He jumps in and swims toward him.
Meanwhile, Jack is watching one of the submerged sailors making his way toward the surface.
Sailor (thinking): I wonder what's for dinner?
Suddenly the monster swims by and ingests him.
Sailor (inside stomach): Oh, I guess it's me!
Jack vomits, then starts swimming toward another sailor. He looks around again and sees the monster coming at him.
He swims through a narrow arch made of tree roots. The creature tries to eat him, but it gets the arch instead.
It lets go and swims away. Jack swims back up to the surface. He sees Charlie struggling in the water. Lumpy swims up to him and grabs him. Charlie starts choking and spews water all over him.
Lumpy: If you weren't my friend, I would've left you here! Well then again, I'd have to suffer with a guilty conscience...Oh what the heck!
Hayes is on the raft.
Hayes: Get the ***** to shore as fast as you **** can!
Preston is struggling in the water with Carl's camera.
Denham: Don't let go of the camera, Preston! I don't care if you drown, or get ripped apart, or get snagged, but save my ***** camera! Whoops! I meant, I don't care about the camera, I care about YOU!
Preston: YEAH RIGHT!
Suddenly, the giant monster emerges from the water and grabs a sailor. Then it flips backwards and hits its head on a tree.
The creature submerges and starts swimming toward the raft. Denham grabs a gun and begins shooting at it. The creature swims under the raft, and Denham shoots the raft.
Hayes: You idiot! You just shot through our raft!!
Suddenly, the creature busts the raft into pieces and everyone falls into the water.
Hayes: Not that it matters.
Jack swims out toward Preston, who is caught on a stick. He tries to free him. Suddenly, the giant monster comes swimming back. Denham starts shooting at it again.
Creature: Why you son of a ******!!!
It turns aside. The men struggle to shore. Denham falls onto the branches of a tree, then Preston comes wading in.
Denham: Ahh! My camera!
Preston: I don't suppose you care that I'VE been saved??
Denham: Nope. I mean, of course! I'm so happy! Where would I be without you??
Preston rolls his eyes. Denham starts fussing with the camera.
Denham: IT'S WORKING! OH YES LET'S THROW A PARTY! MY CAMERA'S WORKING EVERYBODY!!!! YAHOOOOOO!!!!
He starts jumping up and down. Then he looks around. Everyone is looking at him. A cricket chirps.
Denham: You're just jealous because YOU don't have a camera TOO!
He starts cranking it. Meanwhile, a sailor makes his way toward shore. Suddenly, the Jaws them plays again, and the creature comes and grabs the man. He starts struggling, but the creature drags him back in.
Lumpy: Didja get that? Didja?
Denham: Man, he would have played a better part if he had only survived! Then I would've gotten more cash! MORE CASH! AAARRRGG!
Driscoll: Blast that Piranhadon!
Hayes: How do you know what its name is?
Driscoll: I looked up "Skull Island" on Google and I found this site that had all the bestiary. One of 'em was an aquatic serpent called "Piranhadon".
Hayes: Oookaaay...remember when we put you in a nice place with white padded walls, when you said you knew my address because you researched it in this..."Google"? You don't want that again, do you?
Denham: Boy, that was the best shot yet!!!
Hayes sees Jimmy panting against the tree.
Hayes: What the **** you doin' here??? I thought I told you to stay with the captain!
Jimmy: I couldn't stay! I wanted to go along and help rescue Miss Darrow!
Hayes: All right. But don't make me regret it.
Jimmy: Did ya see that? How could you regret that??
Hayes: Yeah, just don't do anything stupid later on.
Suddenly, Lumpy hears a sound from the foliage. He takes his A-K 47 and shoots it.
Driscoll: WHY YOU ***** ******!!!!! YOU'VE SHOT ANN! YOU BLOODTHIRSTY MONSTER! I'LL AVENGE MY LOST LOVE! YOU...
Lumpy: It's a bird, stupid. Look!
He walks forward into the foliage and drags out a large yellow bird.
Driscoll: Oh. Big Bird. How could you???
Lumpy: How was I supposed to know? For all I knew, it could have been another blasted velociraptor!
Driscoll: It's "venatosaur".
Lumpy: Lemme guess. You saw it on that Google site.
Driscoll: How'd you know?
Lumpy: Educated guess.
Hayes: We can't stay here. We've gotta press on!
Cut to Ann (finally) still lying still on the ground. Kong is sitting at the edge of the outcropping, eating from a bag of potato chips. He occasionally pauses to look around to see if Ann is moving. When he turns his head away, she starts slowly crawling away. She makes her way to a small tunnel in the rock just big enough for her to fit through. Then she crawls out on the other side.
Ann: YAAAAAYYY! I'M FREE I'M FREE
Suddenly Kong lands in front of her.
Ann: Oh, Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Kong looks at her savagely, then starts growling and roaring.
Kong: RAAAAAAHHR! AAARRRG! OOORRRG! LLLLLAAAAAAUUUG! BLLLLLAAAAG! (Translation: Now, now, love. I want to be close to you, so would you please, be close to me?)
Ann: Speak English, will you!!!
Kong: BLLLLLAAAG! ROOOAAAG! AAARRRGL! (Translation: She must be a retard or something. Time for plan B.)
He starts jumping around and then corners her on the edge of the precipice. Suddenly she gets an idea. She swings around and lands on her face in the dirt. Kong looks quizzical. Suddenly she gets up and starts tap-dancing. Kong looks on, then suddenly starts laughing.
Kong: OOOH OOOH OOOH OHH!!
Ann starts doing all sorts of funny tricks, which get Kong rolling around on the ground with laughter.
She leans on a branch. Kong doesn't want her to stop, so he knocks her over and starts laughing. Ann gets back up, only to be knocked over again. Finally she grabs his finger.
Ann: You gol-dang ******ing monkey-faced gorilla! That's all there **** is! There isn't any ******* more!
Kong stops laughing and looks infuriated. He starts jumping around again and knocking rocks off the cliff and trying to intimidate Ann.
Kong: RRRRAAAAAAAGL! AAAAAARRRRRGGG! OOOOOOGGGG! BLLAAAAAFGGG! (Translation: RRRRAAAAAAAGL! AAAAAARRRRRGGG! OOOOOOGGGG! BLLAAAAAFGGG!)
Suddenly, a giant rock falls down the hill and hits Kong on the head. He makes a goofy expression, then starts walking around like a zombie.
Ann: Watch out for the... (Kong falls off) cliff.
Ann grabs this opportunity and runs away down the hill.
Cut to the FOMD crossing a large log bridge. There's a cave on the other side.
Hayes: When I say run, Jimmy, I want you to run.
Jimmy: Gee, thanks man! I couldn't work out this rocket scientist-y logic by myself. No, really, I couldn't.
Hayes: And why not?
Jimmy: 'Cause I'm not a coward. I ain't gonna run! I mean, if I tried running across that log bridge, I might fall off!
Hayes: It's not about bein' brave, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Then what is it about?
Hayes is about so speak, when suddenly a bunch of bats fly out of the cave. Suddenly, there's a roar and then Kong appears. He rushes out and grabs Hayes.
Hayes, in reply to Jimmy's question: Survival.
He carefully aims his gun. Kong growls and looks at him.
Hayes: Go on, you guys. Get across the bridge. C'mon Jimmy, you gotta run!
Kong snarls. Hayes pulls the trigger. Nothing happens.
Hayes: Oh, *****! I'm out of bullets!
Kong spits and throws him. He hits the wall of the canyon and grabs the edge. Jimmy runs forward, but Jack grabs him.
Hayes: Fly, you fools! (He falls)
Jimmy: Gandalllf! I mean, Mr. Haaayes!