Contributions are most welcome, particularly from those who are quite familiar with the film(s).
- Paris Hilton as Ann Darrow
- Robin Williams as Jack Driscoll
- "Weird Al" Yankovic as Carl Denham
- Bill Murray as Captain Englehorn
- Will Smith as Mr. Hayes
- The same guy who did Gollum as King Kong and Lumpy
- And a bunch of bums from off the street as All the Other Characters
Fade to title.
Ominous music plays, then cut to a scene inside the New York City zoo. Monkeys are chattering and jumping all over each other. Suddenly, one farts in the other's face and the two begin fighting. The bums who are watching start guffawing loudly.
Begin playing "It's a Small World After All."
Peter Jackson's voice suddenly cuts in.
Peter Jackson: Oh no, not that. Anything but that.
"This Is The Life" by Weird Al begins playing.
Peter Jackson: Oh well, better than "Small World", I guess.
We see various scenes of poor people, unable to find jobs. Two boys are joining a filthy dog in eating out of a trash can. Then we see a scene of Depression-era New York city, partially obscured by thick smog. We see cars moving up and down a long suspension bridge. Suddenly, we hear skidding, and then before we know what's happening a traffic jam ensues, with cars sliding into buildings and piles on top of one another. Cut to a man standing high above the city on a beam. Suddenly, the cable holding the beam snaps.
Cut to two dirty loafers in the street fighting over something. A policeman breaks it up.
Policeman: What the heck is goin' on here?
Man #1: This guy stole my golden ticket!
Policeman: Golden ticket?
Man #1: Yeah! You know, the ones Willy Wonka's been sending out! I just got lucky enough to find one, and this dirty ******* has to come by and grab it!
Man #2: That was my ticket, and you know it!
Man #1: Oh no it wasn't! I found it! I bought the "Wonka's Barfmallow Disgust" bar! It's mine!
The two begin fighting again. Man #1 pokes Man #2 in the eyes, and Man #2 responds by grabbing Man#1's nose and hitting it and causing a "Beep Beep" sound. The policeman beats both of them on the head, then he takes the golden ticket.
Policeman: All right! Here's how we'll do this! Whichever of you can catch me first, gets the ticket!
He runs off. The two men look at each other, than take off after him. Cut to more scenes of workers standing high above the city on beams. Several barf, and watch as the vomit travels thousands of feet to the ground. Two fall off. Cut to a scene inside a vaudeville theater. We see people acting, doing all sorts of tricks. One actor gets her fake moustache on sideways. Suddenly Manny, the director, feels a sneeze welling up. Everyone stops and stares in horror.
Manny: Oh no, ah, no, ah, ahh, Ah, AAHH, AAAAAAHHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
He blows the actors clear across the stage. Scenery falls over on top of them, and the stage collapses into chaos. The crowd is keeling over with laughter.
Cut to a scene behind stage. The actors are all cleaning up the mess, and a bruised director is scene exiting the theater. He is sneezing grossly. Ann Darrow follows him.
Ann: Are you all right?
Director: Oh yeah, just a little sinusitis. It's—it's—IT's—ACHOOOOO!!!
He sneezes all over Ann. She wipes the snot off of her face.
Ann: Thanks a lot.
Director: Sorry, I couldn't stop it. Well, I've gotta get home. I'll see ya later.
Ann: Hey, have you had anything to eat lately?
Director: Yeah, I just ate a big "King Kong" sundae over at the local ice cream parlor.
Ann: You've got to eat something other than ice cream. Why don't we go out to a good restaurant tonight?
Director: You're right. Let's try Hooters!
The two walk off.
Cut to scene of Ann Darrow approaching the theater. Several actors, including the director, are standing in front of it as two men proceed to paint "Vacant" on the front.
Ann: Hey! What the ***** are you guys doing!?
Painter: What's it look like we're doing? There's just not enough funds anymore, so it's gotta close.
Ann: But I haven't gotten my last paycheck!
Painter: Tough. Go work at a burlesque theater then.
Ann takes a shotgun, shoots the man off the ladder.
Ann: Stupid ******.
Director: Sorry Ann, but you'll have to find work somewhere else. This place is just too crummy to live in anymore. The show's over! I'm leavin' Annie. Oh yeah, the ice cream parlor is closing down too. They've got one in Chicago, so I'm moving there.
Ann looks at him, annoyed.
Ann: You've got to eat something other than ice cream!
Director: Don't worry, I'll get a big slice of apple pie as soon as I get down there. I'm leavin' today, so you won't be seeing me again after this.
Ann starts bawling loudly and sobbing and wailing and blowing her nose on the director's coat. The director starts sneezing grossly again.
Director: Cut it out, Ann! You're giving me sinusitis again.
Ann: Sorry. Now what am I gonna do?
Director: Don't know, but I'd suggest you be a model, work at MacDonalds or, if you're really desperate, go work in Hollywood or something. Oh yeah, you'd better try out for that part. Now I've got a train to catch, so g'bye!
Director walks off, leaving Ann standing there. Suddenly, another director walks past. Ann recognizes him and runs after him.
Ann: I just heard about your newest play. I...
Director: Ann, I've told a thousand times to leave a message on my phone, or leave your stinkin' resume with my secretary. Or you could Facebook me.
Ann: Why should I do that when I can talk to you in person? And what the heck is Facebook??
Mr. T: Because I'm extremely busy, and that's what a smart girl would do, that's why. Besides, the last part is filled in. And I have no idea what Facebook is...look it up on Wikipedia.
Ann: What's that?
Director: Not a clue.
The two walk by a restaurant, and Ann looks in to see a plate of a disgusting-looking gray slop being dumped over some slimy noodles.
Mr T: I know times are tough, Ann. Why don't you use your looks? A girl like you doesn't have to starve, you know. (He hands her a piece of paper.) Here, take this over to the Hooters. I'm sure they'll have a good position as waitress for you.
Cut to a scene of Carl Denham sitting in a darkened room in front of a film screen, along with with his studio bosses. The screen is showing lion footage in Africa. A man walks past a tall, dark tree and a lion jumps out and throws him to the ground. It begins to rip him apart. Then the lion is skewered by natives and have its intestines devoured, then the natives proceed to cannibalize each other, until one of them has his head eaten by a velociraptor. Two of the men throw up, the screen goes blank and the lights come back on.
Investor: Is this it? Is this what we get for our $40,000 Denham? Another one of your disgusting, splatter-horror-"safari" pictures? You promised us romantic scenes, with Bruce Baxter and Madonna!!
Denham: C'mon fellas, you know the deal! We agreed to push Madonna's...I mean Maureen's...start date so she could get her teeth fixed! You know how bad her teeth are! She's got a dozen or so crowns, a dozen rotten molars, a dozen...
Investor: Yeah, yeah we know.
Denham: Anyway, Baxter and Maureen'll steam up the screen as soon as they get on!! We just got to get them on board the ship.
Boss #1: What ship?
Denham: The Titanic!
Boss #1: That ship sank over twenty years ago, you nitwit! Oh what a shame. It probably was bringing over a bunch of good filmmmakers, too!
Denham: You know what ship! The one we hired to get to the location!
Boss #1: What location?
Denham: Isla Nublar!!
Boss #1: A fictional island in a cheezy B-film that won't come out for more than sixty years.
Denham: SINGAPORE YOU NITWIT!!!!
Boss #1: You're shooting on the backlot, remember?
Denham: Aw c'mon you guys! We're not doin' that film anymore! I've recently come in posession of an old map. It depicts a spacious island, a primitive world that no man has ever seen! Except on Saturday morning TV...
Boss #1: Denham, it's not merely the location. It's the content of the films! They need more appeal! Maybe you could do some movies with apology to violence, apology to war, apology to drugs, apology to sex or...I dunno, apology to illegal car racing. Or black cop white cop action comedies or, like, romantic comedies. You know, the kind that will cause all the guys in the theater to sit forward and drool, with the topless girls and gratuitous pornography. You know, the audience came to see the "primitive form" of the native girls!
Carl Denham stares at him disgustedly, then vomits on the floor.
Denham: You brainless invertebrate! C'mon, people came to the films because they respected the filmmaker! Because they had class! Not cheap nudie shos like you, ya sicko!
The bosses look at each other.
Boss #1: Well, we've gotta make a decision. Leave the room, please, Denham.
Denham leaves, Boss #2 bangs his first on the table
Boss #2: OOOOUUUCH! F***! That hurts!
Boss #1:What do we do with him?
Boss #2:Let's slit his throat and feed him to the dogs.
Boss #1:We can't do that.
Boss #2:'Course we can. We say he's a communist. The government will probably give us a medal.
Boss #1:No. I mean, he's the only filmmaker we know that accepts to work in exchange for peanuts.
Boss #2:Hmm...yes, you're right. But he keeps wanting to do stupid movies about social injustice, environmentalism and waffles. What do we do?
They think for a moment, with their hands on their chins. After a moment, Boss#1 grins
Boss #1: Haha! I know! I heard of this island in the Indian ocean...or was it Pacific? No matter. The Skill island, I think it's called. Yeah, that's the one on Denham's map. I heard that all girls there are totally hot and walk around undraped. If we sent him there, even if he wanted to do a movie about, uh...clouds, he would surely put some great hot scenes in it!
Boss #2: Then it's decided. We'll send him to the skill island.
Cut to Denham and his assistant Preston, in a cheap hotel room, thinking.
Denham: So they want to send me to this Skull Island in the Indian Ocean? Sounds like a good place to make a movie about men's endless struggle against the restless forces of nature...or waffles. I gotta tell Maureen we're leaving tonight.
Preston: Denham, Maureen ain't doing it. She pulled out.
Denham: What the ***** did she do that for?!! Didn't she know I've got a show to do?!
Preston: She decided she didn't want to go to this "Skull Island" place and took a job at Hooters.
Denham's eyes widen briefly, then suddenly he snaps back.
Denham: Well, heck with that. Blast it! Now I've got to find another girl!
Denham: I don't know! What the heck do you think I am, Einstein? ...Or maybe Newton? ...Or maybe that Julian guy from sixth grade. Man, was that guy smart!
(Pause, Denham looks up, his eyes glinting)
Denham: But we've got to find one, Preston. There are thousands of actresses out of work in this city. Somewhere out there is a woman born to play this role... a woman who will journey into the heart of the unknown... toward a fateful meeting that changes everything! ...including the fortune of a filmmaker like me!
Preston: Why not try Hooter's?
Denham: Great idea.
Carl Denham takes a taxi to the grungy section of town. He takes a walk along the sidewalk until he comes to the front of Hooters. He looks inside and sees a bunch of rather immodestly dressed waitresses inside. His eyes widen until they nearly pop out of his head, when he suddenly sees Ann's reflection in the window. Ann looks in the window, then spits on the sidewalk. She drops her paper and walks away. Carl follows her. She stops in front of a small fruit bin, where she grabs a rotten kumquat.
Owner of fruit stand: Hey! What the ****** you think you're doin'?
Ann: I'm starving and I can't get food.
Owner: You got something to pay for that? Rotten kumquats ain't cheap anymore.
Carl walks up and hands the man a dime.
Carl: Here's a dime, buddy. Now scram.
Owner: Scram yourself! It'd take twenty dimes to pay for this!
Carl pulls a big two-dollar bill out of his pocket.
Carl: Here's a two-dollar bill. They're extremely rare. Now scram!
Owner gawks at the two-dollar bill and starts walking. He doesn't look where he's going and runs right into a bin of rotten kumquats. They fall all over him and splatter him with nasty brown slime. Carl and Ann quickly make their getaway.
Cut to scene of Carl and Ann sitting in McDonalds. Ann is biting into a large "Kong-sized" burger and "Kong-sized fries".
Denham: So how you doing now?
Ann, her mouth filled: Weff, athide fwomf the Huffe Abounfs of caworief and ffat...
Denham: Swallow your food first.
Ann swallows, then continues.
Ann: As I was saying, aside from the huge amounts of calories and fat that I'm packing on, I'm doing fine!
Denham: Well, as I was saying, one of my actresses, Maureen, she's really hot, by the way, quit on me. My bosses don't like my latest picture, so they want me to go to some place in the Indian Ocean—Skull Island or something—to get a good romance film. Or at least that's what they think...heh...Heheheh! Hahah! HAHAHAHAH! MWHAHAHAH! MWH...!
Ann: Excuse me for interrupting, Mr. Denham, but I just want you to know that I'm not in the habit of accepting charity...or taking things that aren't mine...or working at bad restaurants, for that matter.
Denham: So what DO you do?
Ann: I used to work at the vaudeville theater over at the other edge of town. Then it got closed, and now I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Denham: Vaudeville huh? I used to work Vaudeville. If you don't kill them, they kill you! So you gotta keep a shotgun handy! HA HAHAHAHAHA
Ann: Pardon, but you want me in a romance film?
Denham: Romantic film? What roma...Oh yes! My romantic film. The one I want you to play in. So, I was saying, my romantic film is not about danger, suffering and death at all, still, it will have a teeny little bit of drama, so I need a good dramatic actress. And look at you! You're the saddest girl I've ever met! You'll make the whole audience weep. You'll break their bleedin' hearts! And then you'll stick your hand in their thorax, pull the hearts out! Step on them! Jump on them! burn them! Salt them! And eat the bloody pulp while singing creepy songs!
Ann makes a quizzical face.
Ann: Well that's where you're wrong, Mr. Denham. I'm supposed to make people laugh, that's what I do. Like Weird Al. I mean he's the best at making people laugh, but seriously it's all I can do. Thanks for the meal, but I think I'll just apply at some Burger King. Good luck with your picture.
Ann gets up and walks away from the table. Suddenly, she steps in a puddle of vegetable oil and slips. She flies into a customer who is carrying a tray of food. The customer flips over and the tray goes all over them both. Ann ends up with fries, pickles and tomatoes in her hair while the customer is covered with ketchup and mustard. Denham keels over.
Denham: You were sure right about making people laugh! I think I'll try a romantic comedy.
Ann, to customer: Sorry! I'm so sorry. Here, I'll help you clean up.
Customer: Don't bother. I was fed up with this cheap suit anyway.
The customer wipes the mustard off his face and gets up. Ann proceeds to head toward the door (still with pickles, tomatoes and fries in her hair). Denham starts after her.
Denham: You sure you don't wanna be in it?
Denham: Aw, c'mon! I'm offering you money. Adventure, fame, the thrill of a lifetime, and a long sea voyage. You want to read a script? Jack Driscoll's turning in a draft as we speak.
Ann: Jack Driscoll?
Denham: Yeah, he's my screenwriter. What about him? Wait, you know him?
Ann: No, not personally, but I've seen his plays. I think he's really hot...I mean...good writer. Yes, that was what I meant. I always wanted to make a movie with Jack Driscoll.
Denham: What a writer, huh? And let me tell you, Ann. Jack Driscoll does not want just anyone starring in this picture. He said to me, "Carl, somewhere out there is a woman born to play this role. Oh, and make sure she's really flamin' hot. Like Liv Tyler or Hannah Montana. No, scrap that. She's too ugly." And as soon as I saw you, I knew.
Ann: Knew what?
Denham: Have you been listening to what I just said?
Ann: Oh, what the heck. I've never been on a ship before!
Denham: I've never been on one with a...haha, never mind. Well, c'mon. We gotta get to the harbour. Taxi!
Denham runs out into the street in front of an approaching taxi. The taxi driver skids to a stop and crashes into the sidewalk. An large semitrailer hits the taxi and flips over. Several more cars crash into the semi. Soon, the entire road is a heap of confusion and chaos.
Denham: Come on, let's get out of here!
He grabs a two-seated bicycle that was leaning against a tree and leaves a note saying "Never leave your bicycle unlocked, sucker!" nailed to the tree.
The two quickly ride off toward the harbor. When they reach the harbor, they suddenly hear sirens in the distance.
Denham: Oh no.
Ann: Is this the moving picture ship? (Points to a large boat with the words "Moving Picture" on the front)
Denham: Wise guy—er, girl. No, it's this one over here!
They stop at the gangplank of the SS Venture. Preston sees Denham and runs up to him.
Preston: You sure got back in a hurry. What's with the bike?
Denham: Long story. Come on! The cops are after us. We've gotta get outta here!
Preston: The cops? What the...
Denham: Again, long story.
Preston: So much for the voyage.
Denham: Don't worry, Preston. I've had a lot of practice at this. I'm real good at slappin' the slappers. No, wait...it was "croppin' the croppers"...Oh, to hell with it. Anyway, Preston, as I was sayin'...Blast it! I've gotta go see the captain!
Denham walks up to Captain Englehorn, the captain of the ship.
Denham: Captain! We must set sail immediately! Raise the gangplank, kill ye landlubbers, swab the decks, YAARR!, up anchor, jibber de jib, walla walla, wuckamonga, wyoming and whatever the heck it is you do.
Englehorn [with quizzical expression]: What?
Denham: Don't ye understand what I be sayin' ye landlubber??
Englehorn: No, and Sorry, we're awaiting the manifest!.
Denham: Yarrr! We can't be waitin' here, ye redfaced crablicking...klunts!
Englehorn: Sir, if you don't mind me asking, why are speaking like that?
Denham: Are ye a landlubber or something of the manner? Yarrr! Me be speaking sailor language, matey.
Englehorn: Sir, sailors don't really speak like that.
Denham: Whatever! We've gotta leave now! C'mon, I'll give you another thousand if we leave right now.
Englehorn: You still owe me for that Bud Light twelve-pack, Denham!
Denham: I lost that one. Besides, can't you see we have a VIP guest?
Englehorn's tongue flies out of his mouth, eyes pop out of his head.
Englehorn: WOW! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!! GAAAAAAAAAHh.....
Denham slaps him.
Englehorn: Sorry. What's your name, my dear?
Ann: Queen Anne Wilberforce Bjërk Squanto Diaz Jones Leonel Kucher Humbdgar Darrow IV. But you can just call me Ann Darrow.
Englehorn: Well, that's quite a name. So, are you ready for the voyage?
Ann: Sure, as long as Mr. Driscoll is on board!
Englehorn: Aren't you nervous?
Ann: Nervous? Naw. Why should I be?
Englehorn: Oh, I dunno. There might be a hurricane. *snicker* a bunch of cannibals...or even a hungry tyrannosaurus!
Preston: Perhaps even a giant gorilla! (The whole group starts laughing uproariously)
Preston helps Ann with her bags. Suddenly, he slips on the gangplank and the suitcase goes into the harbor.
Ann: Well, there goes my hair supplies.
Preston: ****. My glasses are broken. Oh well, let's get your dresses on board. At least we managed to save those.
Cut to a scene of Carl Denham walking the cabin. Jack Driscoll is sitting there.
Driscoll: Oh, Flying Spaghetti Monster! Geez, you scared me Carl!
Denham: Sorry. Are you coming?
Driscoll: I've got a play to be at. Sorry.
Denham: Come on, Jack, this'll be the best picture yet! It'll have action, drama, humor, art, action...
Driscoll: You already said that.
Denham: It's 'cause it'll have double action! Oh, and giant monkeys.
Driscoll: Giant monkeys?
Denham: Yeah, with big, giant tails, swinging on big, giant trees, and maybe a giant robot or two.
Driscoll: Giant robots!?
Denham: To fight the giant monkeys, you know how those things go.
Driscoll: How do you expect put a giant robot in the movie?
Denham: Do you think all those years at the Chicago SFX school were for naught?
Outside, through the window, sailors can be seen, preparing to make the boat go.
Driscoll: You never went to Chicago SFX School, Carl. in fact, I think there is no such a thing as a Chicago SFX school.
Denham: ...Yes, you're right...but I bet I can still do it.
Driscoll: Sorry Carl, but there is a rehearsal for which I am three hours late. Oh by the way, here. (He hands him a script)
Denham: Jack, this script is only FIFTEEN PAGES!!!!
Driscoll: That's fifteen good pages, Carl.
Denham: I'm supposed to be doing a feature length film, you idiot!! Come on!
Driscoll: You'll just have to work from that. Now I've gotta go, so see ya.
Denham paces around, until he suddenly gets an idea.
Denham: All right, what say we settle this up!
Driscoll: You mean you're actually going to pay me? I never would've thought it of you to volunteer cash!! I mean, you've used credit cards, debit cards, bank cards, film cards, cash cards...
Denham: I'm not gonna stiff a friend, you know.
Driscoll: Oh, that's a new one! Since when am I your friend? Because you need this script?
Denham: Of course!! I mean, I hired you to write this, so until you do, we're friends!!!!
Driscoll: All right, whatever.
Denham: Now what say we go for 200 grande?
Driscoll: Sounds great!
Denham gets out his checkbook and begins writing a check. He keeps glancing out the window to observe the crewmen untying the boat and beginning to cast off.
Denham: Let's see here. Oops, I accidentally wrote "200 grande". (He throws the check away.)
Driscoll: Come on Carl, I've gotta go! Hurry up!
Denham: Okay, okay, hold yer horses. Let's see. Oops, it's the twenty-second right?
Driscoll: C'mon, it's the twenty-ninth! Geez!
Denham: Oops. (He crumples up the check and throws it away.)
Driscoll: Look, just leave it. I've gotta get going.
Denham looks out the window to see the ship starting to move away from the wharf.
Denham: Okey-dokey, Jack. See ya.
Driscoll tears out of the cabin, and into the hallway where he meets Preston showing Bruce Baxter to his cabin. Bruce Baxter is loaded down with stuff. He has a large backpack with frying pans on the outside, golf clubs, golf shoes, golf balls, and khaki pants which are also loaded.
Preston: Good grief, ya think that we're gonna have giant putting greens where we're going??
Baxter: You never know!!
Driscoll: Hey! OUTTA MY WAY!!!
Baxter: Hey why dontcha give us a hand?
Driscoll: For pete's sake, I've gotta rehearsal!! Besides, I don't know why the heck you're taking golf supplies.
Baxter: Ships can be boring. I've got a portable putting green.
Driscoll: You're weird. Look, I've gotta go.
Baxter: Thanks for your help!!!
Driscoll flies out onto the deck, where he finds the ship has departed from the dock.
Driscoll: Oh, Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Denham joins him on deck.
Denham: I keep telling ya, Jack, there's no money in theater! Your plays are really lame anyway.
Driscoll: No Carl, it's not about the money. I love theater.
Denham: No you don't. If you really loved it, you would've jumped.
Driscoll runs, trying to jump. Denham jumps on him and pins his arms down.
Denham: Cap'n Englehorn! Yarrr! Ye go n' get a rope or sum'thing to tie this landlubber right up.
Englehorn comes with handcuffs, a gag, a pink fluffy rope and black latex
Englehorn: Sir, did I not stress enough that sailors do not speak like that?
Denham: Yeh, this'll get ye landlubber tied right up. Yarr. Now ye go and keep 'im like that 'till we're in deep waters eh, matey?
Englehorn sighs, grabs Driscoll and put him over his shoulders and leaves.
The police cars pull onto the wharf just as the ship is moving out to sea.
Policeman: No! No! Dang it Denham! You're gonna pay for that traffic jam you caused!
Denham puts his hands up to his ears and wiggles his fingers in a taunt, then turns around and starts shaking his big rear. The policeman throws a dart, and the dart gets him in the butt.
Denham: YYEEEEOOWWWW! (He starts jumping up and down and cursing obscenely)
All the policemen on the wharf start guffawing loudly. Carl pulls the dart from his butt and walks inside indignantly.
Cut to a scene of assistant cook Charlie (or Choy) showing Jack to his cage in the bottom of the ship. It's all wet and slime is dripping off the cieling.
Jack: So whaddya keep down here?
Charlie: Oh, all manner of things: hippo, lion, tiger, camel, velociraptor, jaguar, elephant, warthog, tyrannosaurus rex, brontosaurus...
Jack: Most of those are extinct.
Choy: Watch it! Camel have bad accident on floor. Had too much chocolate cake for dessert, toss his cookies all over place.
Jack: Stupid animal.
Suddenly he passes a cage holding a horribly ugly, disgusting, demonic-looking creature.
Driscoll: What the heck is that??
Choy: Oh, that the Sumatran Rat Monkey. Beware the bite! It can change you into zombie. *Bugs out his eyes, puts his hands in the air* LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! ZOMBIE HUNGRY! ZOMBIE EAT!
Driscoll slaps him across face.
Choy: Sorry. I get carried away with that.
Englehorn comes in.
Englehorn: My apologies in not being able to offer you a cabin, but Bruce got the best one. [Cut briefly to Bruce in a mold-infested, five-square-foot room] So what are you, Mr. Driscoll? A lion or a chimpanzee?
Driscoll: I don't know...but your mother's a hippo!
Englehorn: That wasn't an insult.
Englehorn: Anyway, here's your place. (He points Jack to the largest cage) Nice and cozy, even with a place to place your typewriter!
Driscoll: Thanks. I suppose those rats on the floor want to hear all about my script!
Englehorn takes a broom and shoos all the rats away.
Englehorn: Sorry about them. They gather here every night for their nightclub dances.
Driscoll sits down inside the cage and begins writing his script. Suddenly, a young man comes in and grabs Jack's pen on the floor. He runs out, but is caught by the ship's first mate, Mr Hayes (played by Will Smith).
Hayes: Perhaps you'd like to give Mr. Driscoll back his pen first, Jimmy.
Jimmy grins sheepishly and throws the pen. It hits one of the bars and squirts Jack with ink. Jack looks up, his face black.
Choy: Watch out for animal caccca on the floor. They do everywhere, you know.
Driscoll [picking up his foot with chicken crap all over the bottom]: Thanks for telling me now, you lousy moron.
Suddenly Jimmy trips over one of the crates. A bunch of bottles of chloroform spill out. Charlie looks at Englehorn with a terrified look in his face.
Englehorn: You diphead! I told you to lock those ***** things up!!!!
Choy: Sorry!! Lumpy said...
Englehorn: I DON'T CARE WHAT LUMPY SAID! What're you trying to do, put the whole ship to sleep???
Choy: It wasn't me! I mean, it was me, but it wasn't my idea! It was...
Englehorn: Let me guess. The devil appeared and told you you could keep your soul if you did it?
Charlie: Yes! That exactly what happened!
Cut to scene of Denham, Preston, Englehorn and Lumpy the Cook sitting around a table. They are examining an old map.
Englehorn: So, this is the map for that Skull island nonsense you were talking about. How'd ya get it?
Denham: Well, it's the funniest story. We were just entering the Bering Strait, when suddenly we see this guy floating in the water. He's flailing his arms and everything, and I think he was being pursued by sharks. So we hauled him aboard and he hands us this soaked piece of paper...
(Flashback to that time)
Denham: Like, nice piece of paper, dumbass!
Man: It's a map.
Denham: Oh wow. Like a treasure map?
Man: No. It's a map to the...*creepy voice* the Skull Island!
Man: No, really, it's the nicest place you'll ever be. And it's for free!
(They both look at the camera and grin widely)
Man: So come now to the Skull Island you too, and have a good time with our exotic locales, our exotic women and our exotic scorpion tail pie. Call 555 - SKULL in the next five minutes for a special travel promotion.
(Back to the present)
Denham: And that's exactly how it went down.
Englehorn: No, it was not.
Denham: Yarr! Shut up, matey.
Englehorn: Sir! That's the last...
(The camera pans to Driscoll's face, he makes an intrigued expression)
Driscoll: There's something on the map. Is it a coffee stain?
Denham rolls his eyes as if he were dealing with and idiot.
Denham: That's Skull Island, you nitwit.
Englehorn: That's enough, gentlemen.
Preston: What's that thing stretching across the island?
Englehorn: It's a large wall. It was built by a high civilization, so high that the present natives don't remember it.
Denham: But why do you suppose they have it there?
Englehorn: I expect there's something on the other side of it. Probably something they fear.
Denham: Maybe their lawyer...
Lumpy: Your mom!
Carl growls at him.
Denham: Your mom eats wombats!!
Englehorn: That's ENOUGH, gentlemen!
Denham: Did you ever hear of Kong?
Lumpy: Yes. Something neither man nor animal. Something monstrous. Y'know, like you when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
Denham: What are you kiddin'? Monsters go in B-movies. Oh yeah, not to mention those lousy a**hole lawyers that are waiting back at New York. I'm not looking for Godzilla, I'm looking for something GOOD! Y'know, like a giant monkey, or a giant chimpanzee, or even a giant orangutan... something like that!
The men look at each other. Denham sighs.
Denham: Oh well, we'll figure it out when we get there. Come on, Preston, let's retire.
Preston: Retire? Already?
Denham: *Sarcastically* Yeah, we'll retire on Skull Island and hang out with those hot chics and eat scorpion tail pie all day.
Preston: YEEHAAW! I hated working for you, you lousy-paying a**hole boss!
Denham pokes him in the eyes.
Denham: You imbecile, I meant let's retire for the night. Y'know, to our beds.
Preston sighs and follows Denham.
Cut to scene of actor Bruce Baxter in his cabin. He is looking at his film posters.
Baxter: I'm so hot. I'm soooo hot. Man, I don't know what chic wouldn't wanna fall in love with me! Yeah baby!
Baxter proceeds to kiss himself in each of the posters.
Baxter, singing: I love me, I think I'm grand, when I'm with me, I kiss my hand!
Denham bursts in at the moment.
Denham: C'mon, Baxter! We begin shooting today!
Baxter: Oh yeah! Boy, Denham, you're lucky to have a guy like me in this picture. I mean, I'll betcha that chic you got on board last night came because she was in love with MEEEEEEE!
Denham: Actually, she came because of Jack Driscoll.
Baxter: WHAT? What the heck does he got?
Denham: Some character, perhaps? I mean, you're too much of a bidimensional character. You have no inner conflict whatsoever, in fact, you just here to provide arm power when we meet the real conflict of the plot. While Driscoll is divided by his love for theater and his love for money, trying to protect the woman he loves, while phisycally incapable of doing so. He is conflicted and realistic, while you are a by-product of cheesy action movies.
Cut to Ann in her cabin, getting dressed.
Ann: Oh boy, I get to meet Jack Driscoll today! Oh boy, what a hottie! Oh man ohmanohmanohman...Let's see...The thing I really like about your writing, Mr. Driscoll, is that it so accurately depicts the pharmaceutical companies...No, that's not right. Lemme think...Yes! I really admire the way you've grabbed the throat of the doctors in our country...No, that's not right either. I know! I really admire the way you've captured the voice of...Oh what the heck! I'm so in love with you, Mr. Driscoll! You're so hot! You're totally the sexiest guy I've ever met! I just can't believe...
Cut to Denham sitting in the dining room with several other crew and cast members.
Denham: Well, Ann should be up any minute.
Baxter: I still can't believe that she likes Jack Driscoll.
Denham: Oh get off it Bruce. C'mon, you're like the most stuck-up guy in the whole world!
Baxter: But look at me! I'm so hot! Who wouldn't fall in love with me?
Denham: A person with a half a brai...
Denham is interrupted when Ann enters the room.
Denham: Oh, Ann! So glad you're here. I'd like you to meet...Ann?
Ann walks over to Mike, the sound director.
Ann: It's okay, Mr. Denham. I know who this is. Thrilled to meet you. It's an honor to be a part of this. (she shakes his hand vigorously)
Ann: Actually, I'm quite familiar with your work.
Mike (very confused): Wha...Really?
Ann Darrow: Yes, and I really admire the way you've captured the voice of the common people.
Mike: Well, you twit, that's my job!
Ann Darrow: I'm sure you've heard this before, Mr. Driscoll, if you don't mind me saying, but, you don't look at all like your photograph. On the photograph you look very...good writer, but here you look like a really nerdy guy I've seen in one episode of Xena. Or wait a minute...maybe it was UHF. [Jack Driscoll looks over]
Mike: Sorry...that was Weird Al, not me.
Denham: Wait a minute, Ann...
Ann: He's so much...well, so much more mature, and yet so much younger. Oh, and so much HOTTER!
Jack begins to approach Ann from behind.
Denham: Stop right there, Ann.
Ann: You see. I was just afraid that you might be one of those self-obsessed, literary types.
Mike: My name's not...
Ann: You know, the tweepy twerb...oops, I meant tweerby tweep...whoops, I mean tweerpy tweeb...Shoot, forget it. Anyway, one of those real nerdy weirdos that I used to make the life miserable at school, with his head in a Paris Hilton novel and his head up his...
Jack slaps his book shut right behind her head. She doesn't hear.
Mike: Look behind you...
Ann: I must say, this is very strange. There's nothing behind me. If there was something behind me, I would have noticed, I mean, I'm so stupid that I can't notice when people are behind me, trying to get my attention and all tha...
Driscoll, very loudly: MISS DARROW!!!!!!!
She jumps and whirls around and accidentally knocks over Lumpy, who was carrying in a big pot of porridge a la walnuts. The two collapse in a heap, with porridge stuck to Ann's hair and all over Lumpy.
Lumpy: I take it you don't like my porridge a la walnuts.
Ann: Oh I'm so sorry, uh, whoever you are.
Lumpy: Lumpiferous Maximus Wilberforce Dixie III, but you can just call me Lumpy.
Ann: Um...right. Anyway, I'm so sorry, Lumpy. I'll help you clean up.
Denham: First, Ann, would you mind introducing yourself to Mr. Driscoll here?
Ann looks up. She gasps.
Ann: Oh my word, he is so...intelligent looking!
Denham: Oh well, I think he's heard enough already.
Driscoll: It was nice to meet you too, Miss Darrow.
Ann starts babbling like a cretin. Jack rolls his eyes and leaves to go downstairs.
Denham: Well, are we ready to begin shooting?
Baxter: Sure. Don't worry, Carl, one look at my face and she'll forget all about Jack Driscoll.
Denham rolls his eyes as he and Preston carry his camera outside.
Cut to Hayes, Jimmy and Driscoll in the hold of the ship. Driscoll is typing his screenplay.
Hayes (Looking at Jack's screenplay): Why is that character repeating "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." over and over?
Driscoll makes an extremely angry face to the camera, then he smiles and turns his head toward Hayes
Driscoll, to Hayes: Is he your son? (referring to Jimmy)
Hayes: Naw, I found him in one of these cages one night. Don't know where he came from, but he was wilder than any of the other animals we caught. He was jumpin' around in nothing but his birthday vest, squealin' like a monkey and singing "Did You Ever See a Lassy".
Driscoll: I should've guessed.
Jimmy looks insulted.