Note, this is shamelessly bland humor.
It is not a real guideline on baking pies.
If you use it as a guideline, then wow. Just wow.

How to bake a pie.


1. Pie crust.
Just because you're too lazy to make one yourself so you buy a store-bought one.

2. Canned cherries.
Or blueberries, whatever despicable little fruit your heart desires. Once bought.

3. An oven.
Of course fool, what ELSE do you bake a pie with?

4. A flattener-roller-thingy thingy.
Just in case you want to flatten and therefore permanently ruin your pie crust. If so, why do you need this thing? It kills the purpose of making a pie. Otherwise, keep it there for your own amusement.

5. A fork.
To poke those amusing little holes in the pie crust... Oh so you DON'T want the fork? Well fine by me, but the pie won't aerate, and therefore will swell and burn inside. Unless you want a dead pie, don't take the fork... Oh so you do want it. Well here you go then.

6. A CD
To play in the background. Or as a special secret pie filling ingredient.

Now, to actually BAKE the thing.

1. Find a pie tray somewhere in that perpetually grimy kitchen of yours that you failed to clean last Sunday, like you promised Shelley you would. Once you find it, take the dying ants off it and place your pie crust in it.

2. If you must, and you desire a flat pie, roll it over with the roller thingy thingy.

3. Now, place the canned pie filling you bought from a store and were too lazy to make yourself when there are perfectly good cherries on the table, inside the pie. Place the top pie crust on the pie.

4. Or before putting the top crust on, if you want to, smash the CD you had and put it in the filling. As a special death-inducing ingredient.

5. Place the pie in the oven, and let it cook for five minutes.

6. During these 5 minutes, listen to the CD if you didn't smash it, thereby wasting $14.99, and put it into the pie. If so, stare at the fork.

7. Realizing that being the dumb fool you are, you forgot to poke holes in the pie. Take the pie out of the oven, thereby scarring yourself, and poke holes in it. Put it back in the oven and let it cook until it starts to hiss steam and growl at you.

8. And now you're done! A pie has been born! From store-bought ingredients that you were too lazy to make yourself when you could have easily done it at home. Yes I am brining up your indolence again.

9. You may now eat the pie. And then choke on the CD shards that will rip apart your innards and cause you to have a hernia, or a hemorrhage. Or give it to the neighbor kid and watch him suffer as he tries to swallow the pie, eyes watering, face red, and a few shards protruding from his throat. And then his shocked mother comes outside, and faints in the realization that you have fed her son a bad pie.
This is what your pie can and will look like.

That is the end of "How to Bake a Pie".

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