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Fortunately unfortunately/1Chandler Bang

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This work is featured fiction.

Capitalistic LoveEdit

Chandler Bang is a smart mouthed New Yorker in his thirties. Unfortunately, his father died before Chandler could apologize for calling the old man a "money-grubbing capitalist". Fortunately, he was the only heir of this "money-grubbing capitalist" 's $200,000,000,000-worth business, as the family lawyer had earlier suggested on the phone. Unfortunately, his newly acquired fortune was not as cathartic as he would have hoped. Fortunately, Erica Miller, the latest object of Chandler's affections, was none the wiser about the real worth of his so-called inheritance. Unfortunately, Erica called Chandler a "money-grubbing capitalist". Fortunately, her younger sister Judy was even more attractive than Erica herself. Unfortunately, Judy was married to Patrick Kaplan. Fortunately, Patrick Kaplan was secretly a supervillain in another universe and had just died when one of his inventions exploded. Unfortunately, the invention which exploded sent a shockwave which jiggled Chandler's universe, so that he dropped his sandwich in a sandbox. Fortunately the sandwich was unharmed, and the only sand that stuck to it he was able to brush off.

Radioactive SandwichEdit

Unfortunately, Chandler did not notice that the sandwich had become radioactive, and after eating it, got severe cancer throughout his body. Fortunately, the lawyer had found a way of getting Chandler the $200,000,000,000. Unfortunately, the cancer was spreading very rapidly and Chandler was about to die, and the only thing he could think of was how stupid his parents had been to name him after a character on an overrated TV sitcom. Forunately, the TV sitcom was simply overrated because it was seen as really really good, while it was really just really good. Unfortunately, the TV sitcom had no bearing whatsoever on how many seconds that Chandler Bang had left to live, except for the miserable and petty fact that this inconsequential realization of his little mind happened to slightly reduce the number of seconds remaining that he could have devoted to some other activity or thought that would in the long term prove to be more important and more memorable by society. Fortunately, Chandler Bang was able to afford a secret cure for his cancer for 199,999,999,999.98$, tax included. Unfortunately, that of course left him with only two dollars left, and he had used those last two dollars for his sandwich, so that he was now penniless. Fortunately, after realizing he actually only had 0.02$ and therefore was in debt by 1.98$, Chandler had a credit card to pay it off.

Getting OldEdit

Unfortunately, this confounding life that he had led recently was draining on him, and he had irreversibly aged noticeably due to the immense stress of the two hundred billion dollars and the radioactive sandwich, and now that even he was alive he could barely do much nor enjoy what remained of his life. Fortunately, Chandler found out about anti-aging products like Nivea and Olay. Unfortunately, Nivea and Olay don't really stop aging, so this discovery simply fed false information to Chandler, making him bask in nonexistent hope. Fortunately, Chandler's enthusiasm for the products inspired him to be stared, and paid, on a commercial with the original player of the character Chandler Bang was named after. Unfortunately, Chandler Bang (the one we're talking about) isn't quite so interested in being starred next to someone whom he had thought not too many contributions before was a really stupid name to be named after. Fortunately, a (Unusually) caring government official, allowed Chandler to changer his name to Brian Goldburn, which is a much cooler name than Chandler Bang, and the U.S. nuked France. Unfortunately, the nuclear fallout winds led to Brian and reinfected him with cancer. Fortunately, it turned out that the diagnosis was false.

Stranger and StrangerEdit

Unfortunately a rip in space time continuum threw Brian in WWII Germany and he is jew. Fortunately, as Brian Goldburn, he could pass as an Aryan. Unfortunately, the tear was caused by Patrick Kaplan's machine and so he had actually been sent to WWII also, and was Brian's roommate. Fortunately, Brian Goldburn managed to escape back into the time-world he was in earlier. Unfortunately, Patrick came too and so Brian lost Judy. Fortunately, this didn't really affect Brian as he didn't know who Judy was, and probably didn't really care. Unfortunately this story is getting kinda strange. Fortunately, this story's strangeness isn't a factor of its quality.

The Brink of DeathEdit

Unfortunately, Brian Goldburn/Chandler Bang realized that things couldn't keep going on the way they used to, and became a bit depressed. Fortunately, Brian was prescribed Zoloft, an anti depressant. Unfortunately he unknowingly bought Zolotf a very strong (ficticional) hallucinogenic drug. Fortunately, the hallucination it caused did fix his depression on a permanent basis, and it had no withdrawal symptoms. Unfortunately, the strong Zolotf still had suicidal side-effects and Brian decided to go jump down the volcano next door. Fortunately the volcano was a hallucination. Unfortunately the neighbors thought that he was just being crazy, trying to jump down the nothingness next door. Unfortunately, the nothingness was really the neighbors' chimney, and Brian was now sitting in their fireplace. Fortunately (and strangely) Brian didn't get seriously wounded (I blame wizards) and could walk dizzily towards the neighbors' kitchen. Unfortunately, Brian chose to try some rat poison for lunch. Fortunately it was eight PM and he won't have lunch at least for the next sixteen hours. Unfortunately, his neighbors beat him up for invading their property. Fortunately Hitler is dead. Unfortunately, Hitler's death sixty years ago meant nothing in this story, while the neighbors, after beating Chandler Bang up, decided to eat his cheeseburger-ratpoison concoction and so they got killed instead. Fortunately, the hospital was just around the corner so that Brian was able to survive the injuries. Unfortunately it was not a normal hospital, but a Stephen King-esque version of hell, where uncommon things happened all the time. Fortunately, it was uncommon for people in Brian's state to survive, and so he did. Unfortunately, the treatment was very expensive and Brian still didn't have any money to pay for it, especially since he'd left his credit card in WWII. Fortunately, Brian was now Canadian and was in Canada, so the costs were covered. Unfortunately Brian was now Canadian and was in Canada. Fortunately William Maxwell "Max" Aitken, 1st Baron Beaverbrook was Canadian, and decided to give Chandler the money he so desperately needed. Unfortunately, Chandler didn't know what he desperately needed the money for, and had a spaz attack which landed him in the funny farm. Fortunately, Bob Hope was doing a show, and They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha-Ha was playing on the radio, so everyone was too busy laughing to stop Brian from leaving, and he went to New Caledonia. Unfortunately, his plane went down somewhere near Fiji. Fortunately, due to the fact Brian was singing, fish came and rebuilt the plane, and Brian got back "To the "Funny Farm", where life is beautiful all the time", in time for his afternoon tea. Unfortunately, Brian was back in the funny farm, and his singing sounded so bad beside that of Bob Hope's voice, that they decided to stick him on electric shock therapy. Fortunately, the electro shock therapy cured Brian, he would never again have a spaz attack, and he was released from the farm; and he lived out the next ten years in peace, and got married, and had two cats, and twelve children, and bought a house, and a mercedes. Unfortunately, Brian had 12 children, which is really hard to have in 10 years, and which killed his wife. Fortunately, Brian's life had gone so miserably that he now believed that nothing could possibly be bad enough to even phase him now, so that he could survive anything. Unfortunately, Brian could not survive death.

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