Horribowitchias is a planet round an unassuming little sun in the neighbourhood of the star Betelgeuse. You’ve guessed it, the planet is inhabited and the inhabitants are called Elephantians. These inhabitants may be the size of modern elephants or they may be very much bigger, even dinosaur size, our sources aren’t clear and readers can imagine them in different ways but one sad fact is clear, the Elephantinians don't always resist temptation to commit sexual transgressions. [1]
Now there was this aging carpenter called Jambogoran, [2] standing angrily on three of his legs. That took quite a bit of effort as Elephantians are extremely heavy and need all four legs to stand comfortably. With his fourth foot Jambogoran steadied a large plank of wood, wrapping many long tendrils that grew out of his leg round the wood and he held in his trunk a power saw that he used to cut the wood. Even longer tendrils growing out of his trunk held the power saw and felt sensitively for its controls. He tried to cut carefully as the wood of Horribowitchias is more brittle than our wood, more like coral.
“Will my fair wife, Apolason [3] try and make it with a much younger and more attractive Elephantian?” he asked himself. While he was considering this the power saw lurched out of control, the plank split and a piece of wood flew up hitting one of his eyes. The tendrils in his leg and in his trunk contracted into his skin due to the pain and the saw crashed to the ground. With three of his other eyes Jambogoran could clearly see fair young Apolason with his lodger, Trickobullas [4] and didn’t like what he saw at all.
The Elephantian God or perhaps the Goddess
There is clear influence from Terran signals the Horribowitchian equivalent of SETI picked up.
“You shouldn’t mock me you (Expletive deleted)!” Jambogoran exclaimed. He rubbed his sore eye and added, “The Great Father Elephant in the Sky doesn’t like insensitivity and neither does the Great Mother Elephant under the Ground.” According to the religious beliefs of the Elephantians the Great Father Elephant in the Sky pulls the sun through the sky in some ancient vehicle resembling the chariots of Earth. After sunset He meets His consort the Great Mother Elephant under the Ground. When they do the er procreative act together the Planet Horribowitchias shakes and it’s like earthquakes on our planet. Naturally we are bound to respect these religious beliefs.
“Sorry, we weren’t mocking you darling.” lady Apolason declared.
“We were crying with sorrow, not with joy.” Trickobullas added.
Intelligent Elephantians or even intelligent humans might have found that just a bit unconvincing but Jambogoran wasn’t the brightest carpenter on the planet. If he were intelligent would he have let an attractive young male lodger get near his wife at all?
“What’s all this about then?” Jambogoran demanded.
“You see I’ve been studying my astronomy diligently and I’ve discovered that Betelgeuse is about to go Supernova.” Trickobullas nodded his head very knowingly as he said this.
Jambogoran trembled in an Elephantian way with terror because the people aliens of the Planet Horribowitchias all knew that Betelgeuse can go supernova at any time. Incidentally the astronomers of Earth suspect that as well.
“Please tell me more!” Jambogoran begged.
“I’m not sure if I’m allowed to tell you.” Trickobullas replied and looked very sad as he shook his Elephantian head.
“The Great Father Elephant and the Great Mother Elephant may not want you to know.” lady Apolason wriggled the tendrils on her back seductively towards Trickobullas and raised her Elephantian head so her husband could not easily see this.
“You must tell me.” Jambogoran insisted desperately, Apolason withdrew her seductive tendrils right into her skin like cats’ claws to prevent her husband seeing what she’d been doing.
“I’ll have to consult my books first,” Trickobullas countered after waiting long enough to get Jambogoran really upset. He gave a few tendrils a seductive wriggle towards lady Apolason then retracted them so her husband didn't see it, finally Trickobullas lumbered off in his Elephantian way to check his books.
“I’ll go and help find what’s going to happen to us my darling.” lady Apolason informed Jambogoran.
“But won’t you stay and console me?” Jambogoran pleaded.
“But darling you need to know.”
Apolason put her trunk out and found Jambogoran’s reproductive organs we’d better not say what. After that Jambogoran felt decidedly better and Apolason lumbered off in a different direction from Trickobullas, she got back to Trickobullas later of course but Jambogoran didn’t see that. Apolason and Trickobullas discussed how to get together without Jambogoran knowing.
Much later Trickobullas and Apolason lumbered back and they wriggled the tendrils on their legs, which means the same thing as when humans are sniggering.
“I’ve found out what we must do.” Trickobullas asserted, “The Great Father Elephant in the Sky has ordered you to build three wooden shelters for yourself, for fair Apolason and for me.” Trickobullas started.
Jambogoran picked a rough piece of wood up in his trunk and scratched his head, he tried really hard to think.
“Wouldn’t digging shelters be safer?” he asked pensively.
Trickobullas and Apolason had no intention of waiting till shelters were dug before getting together.
“The Great Mother Elephant under the Ground absolutely refuses to let you disturb the ground by digging in this matter.” Apolason stated categorically.
“You absolutely must build three wooden shelters and trust the God and Goddess who are Elephants.” Trickobullas was equally categorical.
“Can’t I build one big shelter for Apolason and myself?” Jambogoran pleaded earnestly.
“No you can’t, there must be absolutely no carnal you know what going on between you and her during this great matter!” Again Trickobullas was categorical.
“Can’t I be just a little bit carnal with my wife?”
“No! During the great supernova event you can’t be carnal at all, the Great Father Elephant in the Sky says so.” Trickobullas pontificated.
“No, darling during the great supernova event you can’t be carnal at all, the Great Mother Elephant under the Ground says so.” lady Apolason added her voice to the pontification.
So Jambogoran went off sadly to get wood for the shelters. Trickobullas and Apolason discussed adultery what they would do together when Jambogoran was hiding in his shelter.
Jambogoran got extremely beautiful wood, like the most exquisite corals to mark this very special event but that wasn’t good enough. Trickobullas was categorical that the main wood he needed for his own shelter must be bright yellow to represent the The Great Father Elephant in the Sky and Apolason was equally categorical that there must be purple splashes in it to honour the Great Mother Elephant under the Ground. So Jambogoran used beautiful wood to make shelters for Apolason and Trickobullas, he sprayed chemicals onto the wood to bring out the colour and to make the wood suppler and less brittle. Then sadly Jambogoran went away again to get glaring yellow wood and vivid purple wood for his own shelter. Neither Apolason nor Trickobullas let poor Jambogoran see that they were sniggering.
After many eventful days and nights the shelters were ready, Jambogoran provisioned them with food and drink, then all three went into their respective shelters. Jambogoran stayed inside his shelter quaking with terror while Apolason and Trickobullas crept quietly out of their shelters to make love we’d better not say what. At this point there was yet another complication. As you are probably aware when a very young wife is married to an aging husband there is frequently more than one young man or young alien who is sure that the lady will like him better than her husband. In this case the other young alien was called Abollasopiom. [5] Well Abollasopiom noticed that the lady’s husband wasn’t around and decided to try his luck.
Trickobullas and the fair Lady Apolason had spent a very pleasant time together when the intruder, Abollasopiom lifted up his trunk and knocked on a window whatever aliens have in place of windows. The lady Apolason told Abollasopiom to **** off suggested that Abollasopiom should stop intruding. Unfortunately Abollasopiom had waited so long for a chance to get to Apolason without her husband being around and he wouldn’t leave so easily. Trickobullas and Apolason were getting just a bit impatient with the intruder as neither of the two wanted to turn it into a threesome. Finally lady Apolason got up ponderously and told Trickobullas she’d teach that meddlesome alien a very good lesson.
“I’ll do just a little bit with you provided you go away at once afterwards!” lady Apolason shouted at the window.
“Very well my lady, just a little bit.” The suitor Abollasopiom replied eagerly while he thought to himself, “A little bit now and more perhaps later.”
The lady Apolason lumbered ponderously over and stuck her enormous rear out of the window. Abollasopiom raised his trunk, started to feel his lady and expanded his nostrils as he enjoyed the perfume that came from the Lady’s reproductive organs. Let me assure readers that’s a completely normal part of Elephantian sexual foreplay. The tendrils on Abollasopiom’s trunk wriggled with excitement as he inhaled the, we’ve already said what that was and we needn’t repeat it. Then something unexpected happened. How can I explain it? Let’s just say like humans aliens have to excrete from time to time.
By the time Abollasopiom had cleaned the mess out of his trunk and out of his nostrils he was sure the fair lady Apolason would never really like him sexually. And by the time Abollasopiom had cleaned the mess out of his trunk and out of his nostrils he was sure he no longer found Apolason in any way attractive either. There was just one thing Abollasopiom still wanted and that was revenge. Unfortunately before Abollasopiom had time to calm down he grabbed the chemical sprayer that Jambogoran used.
“Darling please come out and let me (we’d better delete what he asked the lady to do).” Abollasopiom cajoled as if he really wanted more!
“Does he really want me to do that again?”the lady Apolason questioned.
“He looks like a glutton for punishment.” her lover replied while both vibrated all their tendrils vigorously and Abollasopiom noticed they were shaking with laughter. Abollasopiom kept the fury out of his voice and begged, “Darling I’ll give you anything if you just come out again.”
“I’ll deal with him this time.” Trickobullas sneered and he stuck his rear out of the alien window. A moment later Trickobullas howled with pain and removed his rear very fast as the chemical spray struck him, the whole area shook while Trickobullas raced out with Elephantian haste and the lady Apolason raced out with her beloved. At this point something new happened, the astute reader may remember that when the ground shakes Elephantians believe that’s due to the mystical union between the God and Goddess who are both Elephants. Jambogoran perceived that the ground was shaking, heard that there was howling and believed everything was to do with the great supernova event.
“Darling, oh my darling lady Apolason are you alright?” Jambogoran entreated with the utmost earnestness as he rushed out of his shelter. Abollasopiom didn’t work out how to turn the chemical sprayer off till after Jambogoran was also howling and rubbing his sore flanks that had been fairly liberally sprayed. Cruel lady Apolason and Trickobullas cared nothing for the sad husband’s plight, instead they ran through the streets telling everyone that Jambogoran was crazy. They both stated deceitfully that Jambogoran had got the silly idea that the supernova was about to happen. Elephantians looked at the two beautiful shelters and Elephantians looked at the shelter with glaring yellow and vivid purple. Clearly none of the shelters was in any way reasonable or right to protect against a supernova event. There was nothing the carpenter could do so he had to endure the pain from his sore flank and had to endure Elephantians in the whole community thinking he was crazy as well.
So that’s the end of the story of how an alien carpenter was cuckolded and considered crazy also. May the God and Goddess who are both Elephants bless and keep everyone of our readers, assuming that the Godly elephants exist.
Footnotes
- ↑ "Do you think you can rewrite, The Miller's Tale by Geoffrey Chaucer but with the characters aliens?" the leader of an offline creative writing group suggested. If anyone would like to compare this text to the original, here’s an online translation of The Miller's Tale into modern English. The first section I wrote is fairly original as I was exploring alien limbs, trunks and how aliens use tools. I beg to apologize that some parts of this story are in extremely bad taste. None of that is my fault, it’s the way Chaucer wrote it and Chaucer is one of the most respected poets in the English language.
- ↑ In the Miller’s Tale he’s John.
- ↑ In the Miller’s Tale she’s Alison.
- ↑ In the Miller’s Tale he’s Nicholas.
- ↑ In the Miller’s Tale he’s Absalom.