Narrator: Once, long ago, the land of Alagaesia was ruled by hapless little termites who couldn't...
Director: You moron! That's not the way it's supposed to go!
Narrator: Sorry, I forgot. *ahem* Once, the land of Alagaesia was ruled by ruined princes who rode on the backs of great...
Director: STOP MESSING IT UP!
Narrator: AHEM! The land of Alagaesia: for sale. Call 566-4111 for great rates. AAAAAARRRRGGG!
Director chases after him with a crowbar. Cut to scene of three elves riding through the dark woods on a dark night. Then cut to scene of the capital of Alagaesia, Urubaen.
Galbatorix: I suffer without my stone. Do not prolong my suffering.
Durza: Oh, I'm sorry poor little baby! Shall I go fetch it for you? YYAAAA! [Galbatorix grabs him by the hair]
Galbatorix: Yes, nincampoop! And if you fail, I'll dunk you in a vat of hot chocolate syrup!
Durza: MMMMM! Sounds great! AAAH!
Galbatorix: Sethir oil then! Now get your big fat *** out of here or I'll take away your iPhone!
Durza gasps, bows and runs out.
Cut to scene inside farmhouse.
Narrator (running and out of breath): Our *gasp* story begins on a dark, stormy night in the middle of nowhere!
A Mark Hamill lookalike is pulling on his clothes.
Narrator: Wait a minute, that's too much like Star Wars.
Director: Of course it is! But Paolini couldn't come up with anything better! He had to copy it from somewhere!
Now we see an Aragorn lookalike.
Director: Whoop, now we've got another plagiarism.
Show a combination of Aragorn and Mark Hamill.
Narrator: Yuck. Let's see...I guess we'll have to call him "Eragon".
Director: Lame, but better than just plain "Aragorn".
Narrator: No, I think Aragorn is better.
Director: Shut up, will you!
Eragon walks past his uncle and steps on a Cheeto. He looks around and sees his uncle was watching TV, and spilled a bowlfull of Cheetos on the ground. Eragon walks outside and steps in horse dung.
Eragon: Oh ****
Eragon runs into the woods with his double-barrel shotgun, whooping and yelling like a wild Indian. He scares all the deer out of the forest.
Eragon: Oh crap.
He sneaks up quietly to a deaf one that stayed behind.
Cut to scene of Arya and her two elf companions galloping through the woods. Suddenly, two shiny yellow things fly out of the trees and hit the ground. The two elfs look around and gallop after them.
Arya: Get back here, you greedy pigs! Oh well...
Suddenly Durza appears in front of her.
Durza: Good evening, Ma'am. My, you look lovely tonight! As always...say, let's go out for a date!
Arya: I'd rather go out with pig poo!
Durza bursts into a rage and cusses. The woods are set ablaze.
Arya: Watch your language. Words are powerful!
Durza: My, how observant! Now, hand over the stone.
Arya: What stone? Oh, you must mean this one. It's a petoski stone. I got it from...
Durza: The dragon egg, you dumb****!!!
Arya: Oh, you want the dragon egg. Well let's see...oops, I think we must've fried that one for breakfast.
Durza: But elves are vegetarian. HA! You can't fool me.
Arya reaches into the folds of her clothes and pulls out a purple stone. It hatches and Barney falls out. Barney starts dancing around. Durza points at him.
Durza: Brzlingir! No wait, it's "brightbinger"...oh never mind. FIRE!
Barney bursts into flame.
Arya: Why, you blackhearted dog!
She pulls out the blue stone.
Arya: Okay, you wanted it. [she picks it up as if to throw it]
Durza: No no, don't throw it! You don't want that little fella to die!
Arya: I'm not gonna throw it, you nincampoop! BLLAKSKSDKLLBSLSLS!!!!!!
The stone disappears in a beam of red light.
Durza: You just called the Enterprise, didn't you??
Arya: Good guess!
Durza: WHERE IS IT???
Arya: I guess it's wherever they took it!
Durza curses. Arya falls over unconcious.
Durza: My, words are powerful! [he hoists her up and teleports away]
Cut back to Eragon aiming at the deer. The ground is riddled with holes. Eragon fires again.
Eragon: That's the thirtieth dang shot!
He puts the last bullet into his gun and fires again. The bullet flies straight toward the deer, but suddenly explodes in a beam of red light.
Eragon: Dang you Kirk! KIIIIIRRRRK! [Suddenly he sees the stone] Hey, maybe you're not so bad after all. [he runs toward it and picks it up] Wow, I wonder where this came from! Let me guess. Several miles from here an elf woman called the Enterprise, who teleported it to me. Then she got captured by a Shade. Boy, I sure do have an imagination!
He carries the stone back down the mountain and into the shop of Baloney, the Butcher.
Baloney: Check out this hunk of meat! [He throws a pile of entrails and fat onto the counter] Perfect for you and that beggar uncle of yours!
Eragon: Hmph! Guess what? I've got something I can trade! Get me the pork chops.
Baloney: HAH! What've you got to trade anyway? Some Jackson Brown records?
Eragon: No, you moron. THIS! [Pulls out dragon egg]
Baloney: Wha...?? Where'd you get this?
Eragon: I saw an old lady carrying it and hit 'er with a stick and grabbed it before she could call the police!
Baloney: Why you disgusting, insolent, mean, nasty...
Eragon: No stupid, I found it up on the mountain!
Baloney: Let me guess...some really beautiful elf maiden called the Starship Enterprise and had it teleported to where you (klutz that you are) were wasting thirty shots trying to shoot a deer!
Eragon: My, you do have an imagination!
Baloney: Get it outta here. There's probably a Shade looking for it and I'll have no part of that!